White Christmas

The next time I opened my eyes I was staring right up at a fading blue sky. I was horribly cold, and my whole body was in pain. Beside me I heard someone panting heavily. Struggling to get air. I tried to sit up but only manage to painfully flex my abs.

The sharp jolt of hot agony made me yelp. I stopped moving instantly just trying to focus on breathing. To my left side someone started moving around and before long Jessica was hovering over my face.

She was bloody and beaten. A nasty bruise crawled its way up her cheek and across her temple on the right side. Her hair was pushed back and tangled with dirt and water. Her hand touched my forehead ever so softly. It was hot against my cold skin. Enough to send an uncomfortable pain through my skull.

"How are you feeling?"

"Like... Hell... Everything hurts..."

She nodded and pushed herself up onto her knees. Her arms shook wildly as she made the move. She did all she could to hide the fact that it hurt, but I heard the gasp she made.

"We are lucky to be alive. I think the river washed us downstream a good bit before I got my bearings."

"How are... You doing?"

I had to pause mid-sentence to breath. Every breath was a labor, and no matter how much I breathed it didn't seem to be enough.

"I'm fine."

"Don't lie... That crash... Was horrific..."

She gave a tired look to the ground.

"I'm hurting all over. I'm not as bad as you though. You didn't have your seat belt on silly."

"I didn't... Have time... Lots going on..."

She smiled a little weakly and giggled a bit. Just a small little chirp of a laugh.

"Yeah bullets flying and all that. It was rough. I hardly think we are out of the woods though."

She glanced around the tall trees. Pines mostly with a few deciduous trees sprinkled here and there.

"Literally and figuratively. They are going to be hunting us aren't they?"

I nodded slowly. The information didn't bother me in the slightest. Fearing death all the time was starting to get old, and after coming that close it didn't seem too scary. Jessica however looked shook.

"Don't worry... What survived... The crash?"

"Your bag made it, and so did your rifle. You had both on the whole time. Your hand gun managed to stay in your pants too. The clothes you were wearing got drenched though so I had to put some dryer ones on you from your bag... I had to borrow some too..."

Glancing over her I did notice she was wearing one of my black sweaters. It was too big for her and the sleeves covered her hands. She had a pair of my black jeans on too with one of my belts tightened near as far as it could go trying to keep them up.

I reached up towards her asking for help sitting up. My abs screamed in protest. It occurred to me that the steering wheel may have slammed into my gut when we crashed. Once I was sitting fully up the pain went back to a dull throb.

"Hand me my handgun."

She did so. It was dry now. I checked the clip. Empty from the blind fire I did back at the house. I put another clip in from my bag and reloaded the empty one.

"Will it work if it gets wet?"

I nodded.

"Too my knowledge the primer and powder in the bullet don't need air to work. If none got in the bullet I don't see why they wouldn't. Then again, I am no expert. Rifle next please."

She handed it off. My lungs were starting to get their strength back now. I could finish sentences, but my chest still felt like someone took a hammer to it. I checked the clip then replaced the three shots I had used back at the house.

"They are hunting us you said?"

"I did."

"Do we... Have a chance? Like, can we make it out of this?"

I nodded and tried to stand myself up. I made the mistake of pushing off with my right arm. Pain splintered through my bones like they were on fire. Pushing up the sleeve of the gray sweat Jessica had put me in I saw the reason why.

I had been shot when I was driving. I half way didn't believe I got shot for some reason. The final moments of that chase felt like a dream in all honesty. I saw white wrappings from my upper arm to my shoulder.

"Two gunshot wounds. Thankfully they were clean. One through your shoulder, and the other in your upper arm. That shoulder is going to need real work, but I did what I could about the bleeding."

Testing my range of motion in my right arm I found that I didn't have much. I could move it a bit, but every movement hurt. Fully extending my arm was impossible which meant bad news for me driving stick.

I sighed to myself and pushed off with my left. Jessica helped steady me and watched me closely as I took a few steps. Everything was sore and tight.

"It all hurts like a bitch."

"That's what happens in a car crash dummy."

I shrugged and slipped my Colt into my waist band.

"I wouldn't know. That was my first crash."

"For real?"

"Yeah, first one. Guess that was a hell of a first one."

I bent over painfully taking the rifle and slinging it over my left shoulder. I attempted to take the bag too, but Jessica scooped it up first.

"You can't have this on that right shoulder. I'll take it. So how are we going to do this?"

I pointed towards the river a few yards away.

"I don't know the area too well. It's been a long time since I've been up here, but if I remember right that river flows from the North to the South. We keep going down river like we have been and we should hit close to the interstate."

I started walking. My legs were both stiff as boards so for a little while I walked like a pirate with two peg legs. They started to untense and loosen up as we traveled beside the river.

"Do we have a plan? Anything other than find the interstate?"

Jessica had kept right next to me. Her arm wrapped around my right almost protectively. She wouldn't let me reach or move it to much because of the hole in my shoulder.

"I've got money. This kind of work made me paranoid so I kept a small checking account for emergency money in case I was stranded or on the run with no cash. I've got the card for it on me. I can get us some clothes and maybe a place to stay if we get to a town. Needless to say, we can't stay in the town we just left. Did any of our phones make it?"

She perked up suddenly and pulled my bag over shuffling stuff around before producing my phone.

"It got soaked with you but I found it in the pants you were wearing. I don't know if it still works."

I took it and turned it on. It was water resistant so the dip didn't seem to affect it. However, I had no signal in the woods.

"What about yours?"

"Lost it in the river."

I nodded and slipped mine away in my pocket.

"You ok? I know all this must be crazy to you."

She nodded.

"Totally insane. I still can't believe you and Johnny got mixed up in all this."

"Sometimes it's hard for me to believe it too. This doesn't seem real sometimes."

She looked up at me worried then to the ground.

"Jack, you killed people back at the house..."

"Yeah... Yeah I did..."

"On the phone when you left town. You said that you were a killer. You've done it more than just back at the house, right?"

There was no use in lying to her. I wanted to so bad, but what could would it do? I had to start taking responsibility for my actions at some point.

"I have. First time was in Chicago earlier this month. Second time was in Tony's garage when the thugs showed up. The last was at the house."

"But they wanted to kill you first right? You've only done it in self-defense, right?"

"Yeah, but what does it matter? I'm still a killer... I'm a monster."

"You may have done some bad things, but I don't think it's fair to call you a monster. You don't want to kill... Right?"

The thought tore my stomach up again. The vivid image of the blood spray from the guy back at my grandfather's house. The massive hole in his skull. It made me sick. I hated myself for it even if it was to save myself and Jessica.

"I hate it. I hate that I've done it and it never gets easy. I've never wanted to do it."

"Monsters are people like the guy gunning for you. What's his name?"

"Ricky."

"Ricky is a monster. Targeting your friends and family. Sending hit squads. That's a monster."

"Jess..."

I shook my head and stopped trying to give my legs a bit of a rest. She stayed with her arm wrapped around mine.

"Jess I think that's really splitting hairs. I've still killed. People have died because of me. That makes me a monster."

She shook her head adamantly. Her face was firm and she wouldn't budge.

"All you've done is protect yourself and your friends. Someone is trying to kill me right now too. Would you kill to protect me?"

"Yes, in a heartbeat."

"That doesn't make you a monster. You want to protect and that's natural. Even if your shitty decisions ended us up here. You're trying your damn hardest to fix it now."

"Jess..."

"No, you told me once that you are who you are. Unless you want to be a monster you won't be one. You've done bad things sure, but you can change this. You can turn it around. You can be what you want to be. You don't have to be a monster."

I didn't know how to respond. It was out of nowhere, and despite all the trauma Jessica had endured she was still so strong. She wasn't going to let it get her down like I was.

"When you told me that I thought you were so much stronger than me. You knew who you were and you were strong enough to stick to that. I feel like in all this you've lost who you were. You made some dumb mistakes, but you can't let that define you. Where is that Jack I use to know? The one who wouldn't compromise who he was?"

I felt like a child getting scolded. Of course, it was easy to just call myself a monster and be done with it. That's just how I am now, and I can't change it. It was the easy way out. If I just thought that way I wouldn't have to face myself. I could just hide behind a wall of self-pity. I wouldn't have to change.

"Why are you still trying to salvage me? You and Johnny both keep trying to see the good in me. I am a criminal now Jessica!"

"But that isn't you. You got into a bad situation and made some bad mistakes. That doesn't mean the mistakes are you. I've known you for too long to think that. The Jack I know is the one I looked up too. That driven kid who could drive like hell. I still remember him and I know you do too. I couldn't just forget even if I wanted too."

I was silent for a while. I was so far from who I started this as. So far from it I might as well have not even been named Jack Walker anymore. Even so Johnny, and Jessica kept seeing something good in there even when I refused to believe it. It was frustrating, and inspiring at the same time. Terrifying and encouraging. I was so afraid to let them down if I did turn out to be a horrible person now, but at the same time I wanted to be better because they saw better in me.

I tried to hug Jess. When I moved my right arm her fingers wove together with mine tightly holding the arm in place.

"Don't move it. The more you move that shoulder the worse till get."

"But.. How can I hug you?"

She smiled slyly to herself and leaned in.

"Kiss me instead."

I hesitated again. Even after she had done so much for me. Dragged me out of a freezing river, changed my wet clothes while I was out, dressed my gunshot wounds. Even after all that I hesitated on the kiss. My breath got caught in my throat as I tried to push myself to do it.

"Those eyes, I've always loved them. So pretty."

"I used to get made fun of for them..."

"I would never, but I will make fun of you if you don't kiss me now."

I sucked in a breath quick then did it. I leaned in and kissed her. The same feeling from the first time over took me. The static electric feeling through my brain and body. For a moment the pain seemed to numb over. We didn't stay that way for long. When it broke she smiled again wider with an unmistakable mischievous air.

"Let's move. If I die here that will be the last one of those I'll get, and I kind of want more."

Rather speechless I just nodded and kept walking with her. I felt so dumb for being bad at the whole romance thing. I was good at flirting and talking a big game until something happens. While I was kicking myself for not being the romantic I wished I was something crossed me.

She changed my clothes when I was out. My underwear felt dry now so she must have changed them too.

My eyes went wide focused on the ground in front of me as a viciously hot blush over took my cheeks. I stumbled over a root while distracted. Jess caught me and righted me looking up puzzled.

"You ok? Do we need a break? You are looking really red."

"Uh.. NO! No. No I'm fine."

"...If you say so..."

In the time that we paused I heard something. I wasn't really sure that I had actually heard it however. My ears might have just been playing tricks, but I swore I heard a metallic click. I glanced around now highly aware of my surroundings.

Over the gurgle of the river I heard another sound. An odd shuffling sound like something moving through the snowy ground.

"Jess we need to move."

I started to go pulling her along with me when I saw it. Back the way we came someone was pressed against a tree with the barrel of a gun pointed right at us. Covered in snow and low to the ground they blended in too well.

I dove to the side taking her down with me behind a dirt mound. She yelped when we crashed to the ground, and it was followed by a gun firing off at the place we had just been standing.

We scrambled up to a sitting position breathing rapidly. She was clearly hyperventilating, but I was surprisingly cool even to myself. The rifle was out of the question now. I needed both hands for it. Thankfully this guy was close enough for the Colt to be effective.

I handed off the rifle too Jessica and she looked at me like I was insane.

"You don't have to shoot it. Just hold it because I can't use it. Don't peek out and leave this to me. Got it?"

She nodded quickly panicked. I pulled the Colt from my waist band and peeked around the dirt mound. Another shot cracked across the distance between us. Dirt blew up in a plum next to my face. When he fired the shot I bolted from my spot sprinting away from the river for the thicker forest line.

When I dove behind a trio of trees another bullet fired, but this time it was off by a bit. A chunk of bark splintered off a tree a yard or so to my right. I hoped that meant he lost my location.

I held my gun tight in my left hand. Thankfully I was left handed, but shooting with one hand was unreliable at best since I had next to no training for stuff like this. I put my forehead against the tree and just listened. I needed him to come to me. From my vantage I could see if he made a move for me or Jessica.

I move on him and he can pick me off. Stay calm and watch the situation

After a moment my ears tuned into the world around me. So silent after the ear shattering shots. Even the wind seemed to quiet sensing the tension. All I could hear was my own heartbeat and the babbling river.

Seconds ticked by at a maddeningly slow speed. Each tick of the second hand extended for hours. I kept my breath held for these small eternities as the stretched on. Total focus, and total body control.

It felt oddly like when I was behind the wheel. I could hear and feel everything. My adrenaline had every sense dialed up to eleven. I didn't know if it was just a survival instinct keeping this going, or if I was just getting good at this stuff. Hopefully it was the first one.

My ears perked up as a snap echoed out. The sound hit my ears with the force of a gunshot even though it was barely audible. My eyes shot wide peeking between the tightly bunched set of trees. He was moving.

Head and upper body poking forward as he inched out trying to spot me. Like a switch flipped in me my body snapped out from the trees to the left and I took a reaction shot. The man jerked back as a bullet slammed into his chest.

He struggled to get back to his feet, but I was in a full sprint down the slope towards him. I slid to a stop slamming right into him on the ground. He lost his grip on the rifle after that. Hands wildly grabbed at my face and throat trying to keep me from fighting him. When the barrel of my gun was nestled between his jaw and throat he fought with all his body weight trying to kick me off.

All of the sudden the silence of the moment was filled with breathless screams and guttural groans as we fought against each other. It was to the death no mistaking it. If I lost he would kill me and that forced me to fight to kill him. No words could stop what happened next.

He batted the gun away until finally he got a solid punch into my wounded shoulder. I dropped the gun as my body convulsed with pain. He started laying into me throwing punches into my ribs and face. Or struggled had brought us right up to the river's edge and with my gun out of sight I only had one option.

I grabbed him by the throat, and palmed his forehead with my left hand. All my weight drove into his throat pushing his head under the water. Just before he went under His eyes shot wide. Bright green, and full of fear. Genuine fear for his life. This wasn't like the other times I killed. It was too personal. Ice struck right through my heart as his head went under.

I held him there as he flailed against me. His fist struck into my hurt shoulder over and over, but my life was on the line. I went numb to the pain. I had to protect myself and Jessica. I kept telling myself that over in my head.

I have to protect Jessica. I must protect Jessica. If I don't kill you you'll kill me and Jessica I have to do this!

The justification didn't make it easy at all. I just kept catching glimpses of his eyes under the water as he thrashed for his life.

After a few moments the fighting got weaker. The hits came softer and softer until they stopped. His arms went limp. His body stopped moving and his chest stopped rising and falling under me.

I rolled off him horrified at what I had done, but only for a moment. Survival instinct kicked in. I scowered the ground for my gun, and found it half buried in snow from our fight. I tucked it away and ran to Jessica. She was still sitting in her spot petrified. When I rounded the dirt mound her eyes lit up with relief. I scooped her up and took the rifle off her as I went.

We ran. I pulled her along painfully by my right hand, and my left kept the Colt at attention ready for another target. We didn't stop. Our breathing got ragged and came in sharp wheezes. My legs burned for a break. My arm shot pain through my whole body, but we didn't stop.

Words couldn't describe the feeling I got when I saw the interstate through the tree line. Somewhere between happiness, and what I imagine taking ecstasy feels like.

We broke the tree line, and I stopped on a dime. Jessica staggered as she tried to stop as suddenly as I had. With my left arm I launched the Colt as hard as I could into the trees, and then the 308.

With my last bit of energy I staggered about half way across the clearing before the interstate. Cars raced up and down despite the snowy conditions. I knew Ricky wasn't stupid enough to gun us down out here in front of God and everybody.

I collapsed on my ass in the cold and wet snow. I didn't care I just wanted to rest. Jess did the same leaning her head against my shoulder.I ran my hand over her head a few times in a vain attempt to comfort her.

"On our way Fox! Do not move before we get there!"

I clicked the phone off. Snow drifted down softly from the dimming gray sky. A slow flurry had set in, and was refreshing the snow with new powder. Save for me telling Adalwolf to come get us Jessica and I didn't say a word. She just sat with her head against me, and I just sat half propping myself up on her.

We faced the forest watching it with unblinking eyes. It had become the sight of another unspeakable horror committed by Jack Walker. Another murder, what is it to someone who just keeps murdering? At this point it seemed like another one was right around the corner.

I tried so hard to keep myself from thinking that way. I knew I'd lose myself to it and never be able to pull out if I kept it up. I'd be a monster just like I said I was. After Jessica's pep talk I knew I didn't want to be that.

Still after watching the life drain from that man. Self-defense or not, I murdered him in the most personal way possible. I watched the life drain from him bit by bit. I was already a monster. It was too late for me to go back. What I had done wouldn't change just because I became a better person.

"It was self-defense right Jessica?"

She perked up looking at me with her head tilted slightly in a questioning manner.

"I had to do it... Right?"

My voice broke on the last word. I choked up and tears stung my eyes. They burned against my cold cheeks as the rolled down. I held my breath trying weakly to keep the sobs in but they broke their way through. It was a pitiful gasping sound followed by choked sobs.

"Jack please..."

She put a hand on my head and pulled me to her chest. I felt like a child. I wanted to curl up under a warm blanket and cry. So much death and carnage in my wake. All because I wanted to run. All because I loved the thrill of driving. I could have been a God damn race car driver instead.

She said soft words trying to console me, but all I could do was break down as my world fell apart around me. She was still there. For whatever reason I didn't know. Her and Johnny. Hell, even Adal was still sticking his neck out for God knows why.

I held onto her like she might disappear any moment. She was so warm, and gentle. A small thought about my ex crossed my mind. Sara was never very emotionally close. If I pulled this with her she would have left the room. Hell, Sara would have sold me to the police no doubt. I laughed to myself under the sobs. It was an odd combination of hysterical crying and psychotic laughter.

I was so far from my ex. The panic attacks she used to give me were a joke to me now. The funniest one I had thought of in a long time. Her new guy seemed like a whipped little bitch compared to the shit I had seen and done.

The emotional roller-coaster finally pulled to a stop, and I started to get control of myself again. I got that clear-headed feeling you get after a good cry. A moment of calm clarity in the nonstop insanity I had dealt with.

Jessica didn't let go of me when I stopped crying, and I appreciated that more than she would ever know. We held each other like that till a car came screeching to a stop behind us. We both glanced back to see the three-oh-two standing at the top of the slop on the shoulder of the road.

Johnny and Adal both were sprinting for us engulfed in their panic. Nate stood by the car scanning the wood line for threats. Everyone seemed perfectly in character, and that was funny to me. Adal the drug lord worrying over me and checking my wounds with care comparable to a mother. Johnny having a total melt down over me getting shot and flipping my car. Nate being the body guard he was paid to be.

That was my new normal. I didn't like that it was, but it turned out that way. I did want it to change. I wanted to change. I didn't want to be a monster anymore, but something had to be dealt with before I could do that. That something was Ricky. He had a target on his back now, and I was gunning for it.