White Christmas

I sat in the front seat holding Jessica in my lap. The Mustang wasn't equipped to deal with five passengers so someone had to sit in someone's lap. Given the circumstances we figured this was the best option.

Not even an hour in Jess was already fast asleep. Her head rested softly on my chest right above my heart. Every breath I took was as slow and even as I could make it to keep from moving too much. After her ordeal she deserved some rest.

Nate was driving and kept the car as smooth as possible. Adal was right behind me, and Johnny next to him. We all stayed silent. After the first bit of excitement with finding myself and Jess we all shut up. We didn't have much to say. Johnny and Adal both gazed out the window wordlessly while Nate kept his focus on the road.

I just looked at Jess. All I could think about was the horrible shit I put her through. All the therapy she would need for this. The nightmares and fear she would feel. A brush with death like that sticks with you. At least it did for me.

I brushed a stray strand from her bangs away from her cheek wondering briefly if she would be ok with me fawning over her the way I was. I kept looking at her like I found the meaning of life. My head couldn't wrap around the idea that she could still have a thing for me after all that happened. She still saw good in me after witnessing me kill two people.

I hoped to God she didn't see the last one. That was the most horrific experience. Watching me slowly drown that poor guy. Self-defense or not that whole situation was fucked. Hell, at this point my whole life was FUBAR, and the longer I went on the worse it got.

She breathed softly against my chest. I could feel the warmth brush across me every time her chest fell. She looked peaceful, and cute. I never thought I'd be with her that way. She was always just my best friend. Now I had kissed her, nearly died with her multiple times, and now held her in my lap.

Even with all the ways Sara fucked me up I felt that hold totally gone with Jess around. I wanted to marry her right then and there. I never wanted to leave her side. I would have killed to keep her near, and I was beginning to think I might have too.

"Do you guys know where Ricky is yet?"

Nate and Adal were both silent for a while. I spoke quiet to keep from disturbing Jess, but I knew they heard me.

"Why?"

Adal answered behind me.

"I want him dead. You give me a new gun, and I'll do it myself."

"What happened to not being a killer?"

I resigned now to my fate. To protect Jessica, my family, Johnny, and myself I would be a monster one more time. I'd put a round in Ricky's head and hit the road. I didn't know were I'd go, but I was going. I could change after that. I could be me again and follow my dreams, whatever they may turn out to be, after Ricky died.

"One more. One more run, and one more kill. What do you say hound?"

I glanced back at him. He closed his eyes taking a deep breath and nodding.

"Yeah I'm with you Fox. Let's kill this asshole."

Adal glanced between us wide eyed and worried. Nate even gave us a shifty glance chewing his lip a bit unsure.

"That is insane! You two need to quit while your ahead. You don't want to be like me I know you don't."

I looked back at Johnny. He and I mirrored a rueful smile. Pain in the expression, and a weary shadow in our eyes.

"It takes a monster to get a monster like Ricky. I'm willing to be that one more time if it means we can be free of this."

Johnny leaned his head against the window of the car nodding to himself.

"I'm on board. So, done with this shit... I kept thinking how cool it was to be a drug runner. All the money, and the guns, and the cool cars. It took me a while, but I realized we aren't the good guys. I'm tired of being the bad guy."

Adal leaned back in the seat groaning. He pinched the bridge of his nose staying silent for a moment.

"You mean to tell me..."

He paused sitting up again glancing between the two of us.

"That you want to kill Ricky? You want to put a bullet in this man?"

I nodded. Johnny nodded. Adal sighed again and sat back crossing his arms.

"We've been through a lot. People have been hurt, and killed because of us. Our parents are worried sick right now. Jessica nearly died, and Tony did die. That's because of us. We do this, and we can make up for what we have done. We die trying then I guess death was the atonement we needed. Do you feel the same Johnny?"

Solemnly he nodded still watching the world fly by out the window.

"You kids are going to be the death of me. Both stuck in the same delusion that killing Ricky will make things right."

Silence fell over the car again. I looked back at Jessica cuddled into my chest. I felt the weight of what I had to lose now. My parents, Johnny, and Jessica. I dropped my head lazily against the seat looking up at the roof.

"Folie a deux..."

I said softly to the silence.

"Hmm?"

Adal answered back questioningly.

"Folie a deux is a shared delusion or psychosis. When two or more people experience the same delusion together"

"I didn't know that."

I nodded to myself and swallowed hard trying to fix my sandpaper throat.

"I think that word is accurate to Johnny and me. At least it used to be. Before Chicago. I think since that day he and I have been clear as day on what we are."

"Monsters."

Johnny finished the thought for me when I left it hanging in the air.

"If we have to be monsters to take out a monster then so be it. We can change tomorrow, but right now I've got people to protect."

I leaned back down putting a soft peck on Jessica's forehead. It tasted like sweat, and dirt. I felt bad for pulling her across the states then running her through the woods like I had. She deserved better than me, but if she was set on me then I would be better for her.

"One more run. I can work it so you get a shot at Ricky for one more run. This gets done and we all get out."

Johnny perked up turning to Adal.

"you're leaving this too?"

"Yes, I'm tired of it. I don't know if it was you boys or if the job finally got to me, but after all of this I don't feel like I'm cut out for it. I inherited this from my father, and I thought it was what I wanted. Guess I shared the same delusion you boys did."