Your Majesty, Please Don't Kill Me Again!

Chapter 31

- August 08, 2023

“You’re crazy.” (1)

“I’m sane.”

“How can I trust you?”

“I’m not saying you have to believe me right now.”

Whenever these topics are brought up, our conversations always flowed similarly. Everything boils down to distrust, and it’s as if a door closes, shutting off the communication.  I can’t just leave things as they are right now, even if I have things I want to keep hidden from him. 

I bit my lip and took Tori's hand on my shoulder. Even Tori, who he loved and trusted so much, had been abandoned.

His trust may not be important to survival.

“Even if you don’t believe me… you still can have me. There are such relationships in the world.”

I needed Rupert to see me as someone useful. I can just become someone who he needs, so he can’t throw me or his promise away. 

“I…”

Rupert slowly opened his mouth and looked at Tori, who was standing behind me.

“I'm not interested.”

He’s lying.

I remembered he would do anything heinous to remain in power. He’s not the type of person who would be happy with how things are right now. 

“I’ll be useful.”

Rupert’s well-groomed forehead forms a childish crease when he hears my words, as if it was a promise. 

“I’m already overwhelmed with what I already have.”

“You don’t have to cherish me.”

“No… I cherish what’s mine.”

He spoke with a certain amount of firmness. I thought he was rejecting me right away, so I opened my mouth to say something, but he cut me off.

“I can cherish you.”

Rupert smiled in a way that didn't make sense. 

Through the window, a small amount of light shone behind him.

I suddenly realized that he wasn't speaking like a girl anymore. He stopped trying to hide it, and his true voice rang out loud and clear.

“So prove to me your worth.”

This is a test set by the goblin of the old forest. 

There’s no other choice.

Since I’m lost in the middle of this forest, I had no choice but to grab ahold of it. 

“...ter..”

“...”

“Older sister…”

Lehan’s voice suddenly interrupted my thoughts.

When I found him with his face in front of mine, with a worried expression, I couldn’t help but burst out laughing. It seems like he kept calling me. I gently ran my fingers through Lehan's hair.

“Yes?”

“Is there a problem?”

“No, there isn’t.”

“I’ve heard that Princess Lapertte is very picky… is she giving you a hard time?”

I shook my head to clear his worries. He made a face as if he didn't believe  I was being honest with him, then sat down next to me.

“Go back to Bellua if it’s hard… Mother will be happy.”

“I’m not going back yet.”

“Why? I don’t understand why you entered the palace in the first place.”

“That…”

I was ashamed, so I didn't say anything.

[Prove it to me]

I think of Rupert's cold voice. Even if I told him firmly that I could prove my usefulness to him, I wasn’t sure how to do so. Worth is relative. The only things I have of significance are my name and bloodline, but I can’t use either right now. 

One could argue that using me is the same as using House Bellua, but my father is not someone who will move House Bellua for my sake. He won’t be shaken, and never even used Bellua for his own sake. Even if I told him Rupert’s true identity to convince him, he wouldn’t have done anything. He’s as stiff as a stone, he stood by his beliefs to the point of foolishness. He won’t change for anyone.

My father is aware of the Empress’s bloodline. Even though he knew she came from humble origins, he never acted upon that knowledge. He watched as the purity of the Imperial Family’s bloodline was tainted. He wasn’t on Arnulf’s side either. He raised suspicions for his neutrality, by neither holding the hand of the Empress nor the Queen.

He never took sides even in the end.

Why did he continue to keep his neutrality toward the Imperial Family during those chaotic times? 

My head throbs when I can't figure out the answer. My heart pounds and I take a deep breath. 

“Are you really okay?”

Hearing Lehan’s voice helped improve my mood. Out of habit, I always went to see Lehan when things didn’t go as planned.  Even though he was younger than me, he always acted so maturely. Even though I couldn't tell him my worries, it still was comforting and made me feel better.

My little brother was worried that I was always making a sour face, so I opened my arms wide. Even though we hugged a lot when we were young, he hesitated for a long time before giving in reluctantly. 

Whoa. 

Of course, I was nervous when he was reluctant to give me a hug for such a long time because he’s a grown-up already. I was feeling sad, so I gave him a tighter hug. His head flinched and shook. 

“Lehan.”

“...Yes?”

“Will Father listen to me if I tell him to escape to Dunanbard?”

“No…”

The answer came instantaneously and without any doubt. It was an answer that showed how well Lehan understood Father, and I smiled with a sigh.

“What if we all die if we don't?”

“... Have you sinned against the princess that badly?”

Lehan was worried and asked. 

Why is this kid already assuming that I made such a terrible mistake?

I grunted and pinched my brother’s cheek, who said he didn’t trust me at all. 

“No. I didn't make any mistakes!”

“Thank god.”

“Still… if I told you to, will you leave?”

Lehan was momentarily silent when I asked cautiously. His troubled face blended into the hazy dust that was sparkling in the sunset. Lehan, who was only thirteen, looked more like a soldier than I thought he would. Even though he’s so young, the way he walks, talks, and looks remind me more of someone who lived in a barren battlefield than the fields of Bellua where we used to play. If it’s the same as before, he won’t be summoned to fight until I turn eighteen, which is good, but it’s not pleasant to think about war when I think about my younger brother. 

“No…”

Lehan shook his head firmly, as if he had decided on his answer after much deliberation. 

Yes. I thought so. 

I agree with what Lehan’s decision. 

“If my sister has done something wrong, we’ll also accept the punishment for it. Father is someone who won’t run away.”

There was a hint of pride mixed in his voice, and I found it funny. Like father, like son. The similarities were uncanny between Lehan and Father. They had similar auras. Both were broken, but their wills won’t bend, and they will never give their responsibilities to someone else.

Despite his obedience, Lehan is a child that is willing to accept scoldings if he did something out of bounds. He won’t run away from his mistakes. He was always getting into trouble, yet never lied or put the blame on his friends. 

Lehan is very much someone with the temperament of House Bellua, so if his good nature is from his blood, then it’s the same one that Father has as well. 

Without being told to, he’ll give you a hug on his own. With all that damned sense of duty. 

No matter what House Bellua did to provoke Rupert’s wrath, Bellua won’t even try to avoid it. House Bellua will endure, and accept all of the punishment. 

It was amazing. 

How many lives are at stake because of my father?

Isn’t that selfish?

That unyielding belief was so irresponsible that even I, who had listened to him my whole life, felt like rebelling.

I started tearing up, and looked at Lehan. 

“Will you also do it?”

“Huh?”

“Lehan, if House Bellua is destroyed because of you, won’t you leave? Would you admit you were wrong and accept responsibility for it?

Lehan’s straight forehead wrinkled, either because he didn’t understand my question or because my angry expression baffled him.

I didn’t move while I waited for his answer. 

The cadets at the military academy are put into groups based on their grade level and rank, and the facilities they can use are decided on the same basis.  Lehan was still in a lower grade, so he didn’t even have his own room. Outsiders, including their families, aren’t allowed in the dorms. 

But right now, I’m lying on Lehan’s bed. It had a smell of dry wood that matched well with Lehan, but I also thought he looked better at handling paperwork than swords. Lehan was a talented person who was praised for his brain and swordsmanship, but he also was a kind person. I never imagined he would become a soldier who was praised for the amount of people he killed. 

Lehan had taken the examination to enter the Military Academy and then went to the Capital without telling anyone. He had kept it a secret, even from our parents. I don’t know why he went to the Military Academy, just like he doesn’t know why I went to the Imperial Palace.  We don’t know each other’s motivations. Maybe our childhood was a prelude to what was to come. At the end of the day, I couldn't even figure out why he left our father and rebelled against him. (2)

If I was given a chance to change things again, I don’t want to repeat being indifferent to the events around me, but Rupert’s harsh criticisms made me very depressed. 

To prove my use to him, isn’t that the same thing as saying that if I didn’t have any worth, he’ll kill me?

When I shrugged my shoulders, Lehan replied quickly, as if he interpreted my reply took too long. 

“Yes. I think I will.”

“Even if everyone will die, even if your wife and children will die if you don’t run away?”

“... Why are you suddenly making the question more difficult?”

My younger brother made a small whimpering sound. I gave him a smile, flopped over, and buried my face in his pillow. The pillow is white on the outside, but obviously, when I opened my eyes it turns black.  When I closed my eyes, I couldn't see anything because the dark waves carried me away.

I tried to picture the worried look on Lehan's face. He might have a habit of putting one hand over his squinted eyes. It's easy for me to picture Lehan's face with my eyes closed. 

After Lehan and my father were taken away, I would go into the room where my younger brother grew up and think of Lehan. I was angry that I struggled to remember their faces, as my memories of them kept becoming hazier and hazier.

It was such a dark memory. 

—-

(1) E/n:From the previous chapter, Rupert had asked if he wanted her to, would Lari be willing to marry the old, perverted Count Gonzarova? She had agreed to it, and Rupert is shocked. The nuance is that in the Vellnelni society, women have no power and is basically owned by their husbands. He's basically asking is she willing to sell herself to be a sex slave to this gross old count if he ordered her to, and is really grossed out by how easily she accepts. To Lari, if things were that easy, that would be great, but of course Rupert didn't have any intention of selling her. He does understand the extent of her desperation now though. 

(2) E/n: House Bellua, especially this generation's Count Bellua is known for their unyielding neutrality. Lari thinks it's unusual that for generations, the sons never enrolled in the military academy to become soldiers for the Imperial Family, yet Lehan did in both timelines. She assumes he did so out of rebellion against their father, and Lehan must have his reasons for joining the academy…