Natural beauty, inspirational nature

Chapter 32 Freedom and Solitude

So we rushed from city S to city N without stopping.

Sister Xiaowei is still so warm, kind and easy-going. In my eyes, she is an angel descending to the mortal world. Every time no matter who has an accident in our family, she takes care of each of us properly. Thanks to her last time With careful care, I can recover faster and better.

Knowing that my aunt was going to be treated for an operation this time, she took it very seriously and helped us settle down at her home to rest that night.

Sister Xiaowei was born in a nursing college, and her brother-in-law is also a military academy graduate.Back then, my aunt introduced her to a friend's son in private, who was the brother-in-law's parents.

Because my brother-in-law is born with squinted eyes, although the eyes can't be said to be particularly small or ugly, but with a chubby figure that is less than 1.70, the whole person looks strong and simple, anyway, it is completely "handsome". No side.

In my impression, my sister was very beautiful when she was young, with an oval face, fair skin, slightly upturned crescent-shaped eyebrows, and a petite figure. She was 1.60 in a red velvet dress and white stiletto heels. Wearing a headband inlaid with white pearls, she looks like an elegant princess.

But when the petite and lovely princess met the strong and honest uncle, the princess shed tears.

Because I heard from my mother that Sister Xiaowei had a childhood sweetheart and an unforgettable first love. The other party was a very handsome young man. There was strong opposition from my aunt.The aunt forced him to break up, and it didn't take long before she introduced the elder brother-in-law to her sister.

At the beginning, my sister looked down on her brother-in-law 1 times, and she always missed her ex. After getting along, she slowly discovered the advantages of her brother-in-law. The brother-in-law is very manly, responsible for everything, and will carefully remember every detail of her sister. Hobbies, caring for my sister's basic necessities of life.

After they got married, the brother-in-law was promoted from the company commander to the head of the regiment because of his diligence, steadfastness, hard work, and integrity as an official.

When he was the company commander, his house was bought in Qidong County. At that time, my sister often took care of the children alone at home, and my brother-in-law stayed in the army all year round and did not go home.

It is said that behind a great man there must be a good woman who works hard for the family, especially behind a soldier there must be a great military wife.

Later, the brother-in-law was transferred to N city, and the elder sister was transferred to work in the affiliated hospital of N city together. The small life of their family of three was considered complete.

The success of a marriage is really inseparable from the support and blessings of my parents. My aunt’s education method is very different from that of my mother. She has the final say on everything, and the children must listen to her. If they don’t listen, they will be beaten or scolded. The kind who can say anything ugly.

I have always been very resistant to my aunt's tough methods. In my aunt's native family, as the eldest sister, she leads and takes care of the brothers and sisters below, so everyone must listen to her.

After she got married and had children, she naturally let her arrange the schoolwork and marriage affairs of her two youngest daughters, no matter how big or small.Especially my aunt's character, she is very terrific when she speaks cruel words, the kind that can make people angry and pay for their lives.But he managed my two aunts submissively.

My mother often said that she has a knife mouth and a tofu heart, but in my opinion, a person with a knife mouth actually has a knife heart to some extent, and her mouth and hands are really ruthless.

What impressed me the most was that in my first year of high school, because of the great changes in my family, I had a shadow in my heart, I was suspended from school at home, and my emotions often fluctuated.So my aunt and uncle suspected that I was mentally abnormal, and at one point wanted to help me find a doctor from the Third Hospital to prescribe psychiatric drugs for me.

But my mother sent me to the hospital for a professional psychological test, and the doctor said that I was only having a mental disorder in adolescence and not mentally ill.

Then they all expressed skepticism about the diagnosis made by the doctor.That night, after going to the hospital in the city for an examination, my mother took me to her house for the night. In the room, I heard my aunt say to my mother in the living room: "She won't go to school, and she won't take medicine. If you are sick, you will take medicine, and if you don’t take medicine, you will be sent to the hospital and locked up in shackles to see if she takes it or not!"

It literally bleeds my heart to hear my loved ones being so brazenly humiliated and stimulated.

I wiped my tears and wrote them a tear-jerking letter that night, but I can’t remember exactly what I wrote.I just remember that the general content is to express that I have no mental illness, my mind is clear, my thinking is clear, and I still have dreams for the future in my heart.I also pointed out in the letter that as the elders of my family, they did not give me the care and comfort that my relatives should have. They also lost the objective rationality that elders should have in analyzing the disease. When my granddaughter was fragile and helpless and needed encouragement and support the most, they You shouldn't have insulted me so harshly.

I was very afraid that my aunt would reprimand and humiliate me even more after reading my accusations and accusations against her, so I left secretly by myself before dawn the next day.

But I didn’t expect my mother to tell me afterwards that after my aunt and the others read my letter, they even said a comment to my mother that still makes me laugh and cry when I think about it: Oh, my granddaughter, this literary talent is really amazing.The writing is as sharp as Mr. Lu Xun!
How can I compare with Mr. Lu Xun?This is probably the first time I have heard my aunt's compliments to me behind the scenes since I was a child. Her comments on everyone are as sharp as bayonets and make people shudder.

The reason why I feared and hated my aunt since I was a child is because she is arbitrary, sometimes too domineering and aggressive, which hurts people's self-esteem, so many people still don't hold back even after receiving financial help from her family. Say hello to her.

Everyone's personality and temper are developed since childhood, but sometimes they don't realize it.

My grandfather and grandmother have four children. When it comes to children's education, they always put the most emphasis on the cultivation of their eldest daughter.They put all their money and energy into supporting my aunt's schooling and education. They devoted a lot of effort and energy to her, but they had no spare time to pay attention to and support the other three children.

My aunt is the most precious daughter of my grandmother. Because she was small and weak, my grandmother was not willing to let her do any physical work. The two younger sisters below her were my second aunt and my mother.

So much so that after my second aunt got married as an adult and had a child, she often went to family gatherings, because this incident made my aunt unhappy. She always felt that her grandmother favored her aunt back then, which led to the three sisters now, only one of whom did not go to school. Life is the hardest.

My mother said that my second aunt had a lively and cheerful personality, but she was a little lazy when she was a child. She always thought of ways to cut corners when she worked, and she didn't like to study.

My mother and her two older sisters are different. They have been diligent since they were young, and they like to take the lead in all the dirty and hard work, sharing it for the two older sisters and younger brothers.

She loves to study very much. Even if her family does not support her to go to high school or college, she has tried her best to raise tuition fees for herself. At a young age, she went to the village and city alone to interview with the leaders above and fight for herself. Continuing study places.

Later, my aunt was admitted to a university and became an accountant after graduation. My mother was also admitted to a self-study university and became an English teacher.Only my second aunt became a peasant woman who lived on the harvest of the fields.

My mother is the most well-behaved, sensible and caring daughter who doesn't let grandma worry about her.So much so that after a hundred years of my grandfather, the children of the four families will take care of my grandma in different periods of time. My grandma is most willing to stay at my house, and likes to live with me and my mother the most.

Every time when the time is up, she is very reluctant to change the other two daughters to take care of her. She hates the bad mouth of the eldest daughter and the carelessness and emotionality of the second daughter. Her old man loves and cares like an "old child", and makes her happy in my house all day long.

But when it comes to the management and control of children’s marriages, you have to admit that my aunt’s final management results are still very enviable to others. At least my two older sisters chose husbands with reliable and stable jobs in their marriages. It is the most stable and practical life, and none of them has become a tragedy of marriage.

My eldest sister and second sister, under the arrangement of my aunt, one married the descendant of a dignitary and the other married a doctor of the people. The appearance is also very ordinary.

But my two older sisters are just like my great aunt. They are happily married, have no worries about food and clothing, have both children, and are safe and sound.My mother was very envious, and often said to me: "If only you had your two aunts who were obedient, it would be great. Blame me for being too soft-hearted, and being too laissez-faire with you."

But I have a completely different concept and view on this in my heart.

I have always been grateful to my mother for the freedom and democracy of my education. Many times she just made suggestions but never interfered with my final choice.

My aunt used sticks to educate obedient children, and then let them live a smooth, prosperous and safe life in the eyes of their parents.

And my mother raised children who are independent, strong and brave, and have their own opinions.

There are two kinds of children who defend their homeland at home and expand their life territory outside. The two kinds of lives have their own joys and sorrows, and each has their own pride and regrets.

And the impermanent life I experienced in the first half of my life is a special experience that they could not experience in their ordinary life.

Without special experience, there will be no special perception and acquisition.Any gift of life has already been secretly priced.No one can get the gift of fate casually without paying.You get what you give up.

I feel like the protagonist "July" in Baby Anne's story, I have a soul that is free and unrestrained, longs for the distance, and longs for the colorful life, but in my heart, there is a demure and watery soul, longing for the ordinary and the small. Fortunately, "Ansheng".

Fate has arranged for me the role of July. I have fought a lot, worked hard, and changed a lot, just to "unchanged" in my heart and become the An Sheng I want to be in my heart.Qiyue and Ansheng are like two sides of life. They seem to be contradictory, but they are actually unified.

After the divorce, I chose to respect my heart. I couldn’t find the right person in my heart. I would rather be moldy with pride than just find someone to walk into the siege of marriage. Simply put, I chose freedom , I have to bear the loneliness of carrying everything alone and no one to share it for me.

Before the new year 2019, my mother began to undergo eye surgery at the NT Hospital.

Because the doctor did not give her general anesthesia before the operation, but only performed local anesthesia on her eyes, so her eye nerves were not "dormant" and she was still in a state of very sensitive perception. This kind of sharp and piercing pain must be difficult for anyone to resist.

My mother usually suffers from extreme pain, but at this time, she couldn't bear it at all and wanted to jump up and run away from the operating table. Her head twisted unconsciously, resisting to avoid the doctor's knife.

She told the doctor how she really felt, but the doctor didn't stop the operation. The surgeon mistakenly thought my mother was hypocritical, saying that other patients underwent this kind of operation with local anesthesia, and no one had ever moved around like my mother.

They forcibly restrained my mother, and both the doctor and the patient were very awkward and finished the operation.As can be imagined, the operation was not very successful, but the doctor said it was hard to say for the time being. The specific effect of the operation could only be seen after the patient lay down on the bed for a month and the vitreous body was firmly attached to the eye tissue.

So my mother cooperated with the postoperative treatment and spent a month lying in the hospital.My mother is very cheerful and talkative. In the hospital, following her elderly, I also met many patients with similar symptoms to my mother.

This kind of vitreous loss + cataract disease that occurs frequently in the elderly, the postoperative recovery method is extremely unbearable, that is, you have to lie on the occipital for a long time, with your body pressed against your heart, and your buttocks up. Some people may say that this is not a trivial matter. One thing, I liked to sleep on my stomach when I was a child. It is true that you may feel that it doesn’t matter if you sleep on your stomach for an hour or two, but 24 hours a day, let you try to sleep on your stomach non-stop?

And when you lie on your stomach, you must keep your head down and not lie obliquely, otherwise it will be invalid.Just thinking about it, normal people feel that it is as painful as "purgatory" in the world.Many elderly people can't bear it. They often return to normal sleeping position, lying down or sleeping on their side when their children or spouses are not paying attention. This means that the surgery is done for nothing. If the vitreous body is not restored successfully, the surgery needs to be done again. , very troublesome.

My mother is very self-conscious. We have no one in charge of her. She supervises herself. During that time, I was responsible for taking care of her, taking care of her eating and drinking, getting breakfast every day, cooking vegetables, helping her massage, bathing, and dressing. .

I was thinking that if I was still working during that time and didn't quit my job, I wouldn't have time to take care of my mother, and all the responsibility would fall on my stepfather or my second aunt.

I am still glad that I can be by my mother's side in person, because since I was a child, every time I was sick and hospitalized, it was my mother who worked tirelessly to stay by my side, protecting me and taking care of everything about me.Now that my mother is getting older, I am duty-bound.

However, there were times when I was too tired to sit still. The hospital bed was very small, and two people lay side by side on a small bed.During the day when the doctor does not make ward rounds, I can choose to curl up next to my mother and sleep for a while.

Sleeping next to my mother, hugging her feet, what I think in my heart is: my dear mother, I love you, I hope you can stay healthy and stay with Feifei for a few more years.

When I was resting at night, my mother was lying on her stomach, and I set up a small bed next to her. This kind of small bed is a unique foldable steel frame bed in hospitals.After unfolding, it is a bit like a stretcher. When you sleep on it, you can't stretch your arms and legs. You can only lie flat or turn over slightly to your side.

So after a month, I even suspected that staying in bed might be more uncomfortable than going to jail.The difficulty of being an only child + a single dog is that no one will come to take your place, and no other companion will come to greet you and bear the responsibility of supporting your parents for you.You can only bear all the hardships by yourself.

It’s actually okay to carry it alone, just gritted your teeth and passed.It's just that the reactions of the patients around you often make you dumbfounded, because they will come to ask you when they are idle and bored: How old are you?Are you married and have kids?Why didn't you see your husband come to see your mother?Are you struggling alone?

At this time, I have to lie to them in embarrassment. I'm only thirty, and I'm talking.

They would say again: Thirty is not too young, hurry up, if you don’t look for it, all the good ones will be snatched away.

Then blah blah.
I've gotten tired of hearing clichés, but every time I listen to them, I still feel uncomfortable, wishing that the speaker would disappear quickly, or I would dig a hole and escape.

Life is hard enough, if possible, who would like to be alone.But fate is a rare thing, if you really don't want it, it will immediately jump into your bowl.

(End of this chapter)