endless roses

Chapter 151 A Cold Heart

Something is not quite right lately, I seem to be in a state of dissociation.

A few days ago, I just felt strange, looking around with a novel and incomprehensible attitude, but these days, I suddenly don’t know how to live.All things, yes, all things, can't be touched, they are outside of me, it's amazing that everyone is in the same space.Lost some things, useless objects, can be understood as "discarding", useless jewelry, clothing, books, words; Lost", emotions, memories, dreams and other temporarily unexpected.

I feel that speaking out is a bit like exporting negative emotions, so I just keep silent.How should I put it, it's not sad or angry emotions, it's like a suspended state of mind, submerged by a huge void.I went for a walk in the early morning, saw the morning light, saw the dusk, the subway station under construction, the people who occasionally passed by on the street, and the cars going away, suddenly it was amazing how they spent every day.Maybe the answer is work, commuting, taking a walk in the evening, eating at noon, reading in your free time, communicating with people, or even doing nothing is a good answer.

night, June 9
A couple of emotional moments.One day I said a lot, but I didn't save it, so I didn't want to talk for a long time; in the morning, I tried my best to recall the dream, which was beautiful, but it took a lot of effort to recall and record it, because when it comes to "memory" is It is a very energy-consuming process, often accompanied by physical pain and swelling of the head, and then, when I woke up for the last time, I found that I was deceived. I wrote down the most beautiful and magnificent parts in the notebook in my dream. My father was driving a motorcycle, and I was writing in the back seat, but the handwriting was very neat, so the rare, infinitely beautiful, and ultimate dream was lost; it was beautiful enough, but I forgot it, and it was completely wiped out ;I can't laugh or cry, it's not, it's just cold; if I'm in a bad mood recently, it should be a bit bad to say it, I don't want to convey this, but I can't restrain the urge to express it after a long time.

Having said that, what are you doing every day when you are busy or leisurely?Since it’s killing time, is there a big difference in what to do? Anyway, time keeps slipping away. Every day is getting older and closer to the end. Even the highlight moments of life and wonderful experiences are just a very short moment, and everything returns after it happens. Boring, maybe even that in itself.If killing itself is a very happy process, I, just referring to me, have not yet understood where happiness lies.Not only happy, but also temporarily unable to experience any grief, such as the death of a loved one mentioned earlier.I'm probably not normal, it used to be okay to have a guy I've been involved with so and so finally freed, bless him, congratulate her, away from the pain and boredom of the world.Longer ago, I should have been sad, and I was losing my foothold. I used to be a person with rich emotions.Now, I probably don’t feel it. Birth, old age, sickness and death are the normal state of life. It’s not necessary, or I can’t make a fuss. If it’s on me, I’m not even willing to treat it. On the guy whose heart is close to me, if it’s really needed, I will provide help, as much as I can Help, need emotional comfort is okay, need money is okay, I would be willing to work and pay the bills for someone, and I am willing to sit in front of the hospital bed to be the so-called "companion", just because someone will feel at ease, even though I don't think so. This works.

Close to senseless.

I'm really, really cold-blooded, shame on me for being cold-blooded.

Frustration is still there, and it often occurs when you find yourself hard to be happy or angry, which means it's not that bad.

Haven't lost the ability to be depressed and sad, not bad.

April 9, bis
(End of this chapter)