endless roses

Chapter 152 Between Pragmatism and Retreat

I guess, everything exists for the sake of happiness.Happiness is something I already have, more, less, or no more is acceptable.I seem to have no reason to continue living, no reason to die, every day from now on, happy or sad, will fall into the category of meaningless and unexamined, I am dying of pain, I am dying of boredom, hurry up, Hurry up, where, where there is a direction waiting, I think there is only a purpose, or a reason, there is a reason that can make me temporarily forget all meaningless things.

Sometime
I don't really want to know the answer to questions like "the meaning of life", and I don't have any expectations for the ending. What I want to know is the reason for my life. It's so sad that I don't even know it but keep breathing, There is no answer but a look of looking, this is procrastination, procrastination, I procrastinate and spend another day.

Sometime
"Life," he said, is an empty word.Yes, but the details of its implementation are also very unfamiliar.

Regarding meaning, if you say, so what if you know it, haha, not so good, I don’t know.Will travel the world more confidently and boldly.

Sometime
I saw the title of Huxiu’s tweet today, but I didn’t click on it.I thought about it for a while, "how to work and live better".

The purpose of work and life itself is not to be happy.If it is, or have fun as Cyan said, why not just do the happy part, because there are many "bad" things happening in the world every day.As a last resort?breadwinner?lost?Looking for thrills?Misfortunes inflicted by oneself or others?Enslaved?Wealthy or depressed, poor and unlucky, lonely and unlucky, what I want to express is that there seems to be little difference between them.If it's not for happiness, just enjoy this long passing time of being alive, everyone seems to be quite involved.

To put it another way, do they work and live for occasional pleasure, mostly boredom and peace and avoidance of thinking... I'm just thinking about it.

Sometime
I am not pragmatic.

Even, I feel that I am not being humble.I have no expectations for the distance or tomorrow.Maybe existence was a mistake.

Sometime
Some people are disgusted with reality, dissatisfied with the current torture, boredom, suffering, etc., and pin their hopes on another beautiful world.Or heaven, or tomorrow, or emotion or intoxication, he still has hope.Am I a pessimistic person? Not necessarily, I am neither pessimistic nor optimistic, just indifferent.

Sometime
In the afternoon, I saw several portraits of Pissarro.The content of the painting is mainly about family members, Pissarroha who knows how to love. I don’t know what he is like in real life, but there are concerns in the painting. "Jenna is Nine Years Old" is the father’s longing for his daughter. The look of the daughter who came back looking at her father, he painted his wife, from young to middle-aged, and many years later, the children painted their mothers, all of which moved my heart, those emotions called "love" and "missing" have them What a happy thing.Half a month ago, a big friend told me that he missed his parents very much after not being home for two years.

"What would you do if you went back?"

"Spend time with your family."

This answer strikes me as weird.One is that it is difficult to go back, but it is not difficult if you really want to, and the other is "accompanying", which is difficult to understand. Maybe I have always longed for this thing. At the same time, the time spent together will always pass. Regardless of the time span, it will end and the separation is the result.Spend more time with you, and in the future, this company will also sink in your memory.I always avoid all situations that may cause loss, and I would rather not get it.By the way, back to Pissarro, there is another question. Although he left so many beautiful moments in his paintings, it cannot be denied that they are full of love and nostalgia, but what does he do when he is not painting? , work hard, talk to the kids, talk to the wife, cook, eat, walk, think about poverty and improving life, and then, pretty much every day until you leave?What does it mean to improve life? Maybe, children can eat what they want when they are hungry, travel, and get well soon when they are sick, so that they can read, play, buy property and clothes, continue to draw, fall asleep at night and wake up in the morning To repeat, is this the whole of life? There may be a few things missing, but it is still strange. Is this how life is lived? If so, it seems not difficult, I can do it.There is also about love and happiness, is there in the process of being with you, and then you feel comfortable, even if you have nothing to do most of the time, who you care about after parting and then immersed in happiness because of missing itself, because you are worried about whose safety Immersed in worry about the situation and situation, if it can generate emotions, it doesn't seem to be difficult.I'm working very hard, trying to pick up these instinctive things.There are also Chagall's paintings. When he was a poor painter, his girlfriend Bella came to visit with flowers and delicious food. His soul flew up happily, and he kissed his lover with full happiness. I I watched it for a long time.

Happiness, the joy of being immersed in love, must be very wonderful, the soul is flying, and then kissing without thinking, what is it like, it fascinates me.

Oh oh, I remembered what I was going to say this afternoon, chatting.

It was not a dream in my youth. It was earlier than that. When I was very young, there were two careers I most yearned for. One was a scientist and the other was a war reporter.The initial impression of a scientist is a person holding a Molotov cocktail, wearing goggles to study mysterious substances, and wearing a white coat. From this perspective, the corresponding person should be a chemist. Although I have always admired it, I feel far away after all; as a war reporter, I watch animations. The era of playing Mattel in movies was also the era of Aibajia Forum, bored watching military channels and documentaries, and being forced to recite ancient Chinese texts. At the age of five or six, one day there was a TV report on a certain turbulent place in foreign countries, and the reporter would go with the soldiers Crawling behind the trench, the bullets fell in front of him, and the sand and dust splashed wildly. He closed his eyes tightly but continued to explain. I could feel the fear and perseverance in it.A seed planted by a very small person, war is dirty and ugly, reporting on entertainment, finance, and looking for small social problems is also very boring, but somehow the combination of the two makes this career almost more A layer of "sacred" means.This is not a job that belongs to material productivity. Spirituality is just like that. There are still many great careers worthy of respect, but it is indeed the only one I yearn for later.Dangerous enough, charming enough, women’s words are probably just material in the general environment, a carrier of playthings and tragedies, female war reporters should not be very good, I don’t know what will happen, so I don’t really want to practice this ideal , it is impossible to apply to go to a turbulent place in another country to start training, you must have the ability first.Because of this obsession, I love Martha far more than Hemingway.Forget about chemists, I'm a stupid girl who either doesn't do anything useful in this business or makes something bad by accident, well, I didn't want to think about it many years ago.

July 9, morning

(End of this chapter)