female sexual motivation

Chapter 10 The so-called love (1)
Thousands of private words, without words, two hearts know

When we first met, you and I were so passionate.As the gears of time pass by quietly, the passion will inevitably fade away, but the old love is still lingering. The two people who love each other have been in love with each other and know each other for a long time in their lives.

——Nisa, a Kun woman from Botswana, Africa

"How beautiful love is." There are parental love, brotherly love, friend love, man-woman love, etc. in the world, but only the love between men and women is the most unpredictable, the most haunting, and the most unforgettable.Perhaps because of this, the world is staged every day in the world, there are endless love stories, endless.There has been love and infatuation in the world since ancient times, and how many love stories have become classics that have been passed down from generation to generation.There are many bizarre and tortuous love stories in Greek mythology.For example, Daphnis and Heloa, they are orphans without father and mother. They were childhood sweethearts. Although they went through ups and downs, they never left them and finally achieved a good result.Another example is King Odysseus and his wife Penelope. In the face of separation, difficulties, and temptations, the two of them remained steadfast and finally reunited again.The Hindu goddess Sati set fire to herself because her husband Shiva was insulted by her family.Her name later became synonymous with the custom of "widow self-immolation," in which wives die together on a funeral pyre in order to show their loyalty after the death of their husbands.The love story between the two Maori lovers Heinemoa and Tutanakai is world-famous. In order to find his lover, Heinemoa jumped into the rough sea and swam vigorously.Emperor Ai of the Western Han Dynasty couldn't bear to disturb Dong Xian when he got up early, so he "broke his sleeves and stood up".President Lincoln of the United States lived in loneliness and sorrow all his life because of the untimely death of his first love Anne.Another American president, John Adams, was much luckier in comparison. During the difficult years of the War of Independence, he and his wife sent letters to comfort each other's hearts and support each other.Love is the eternal theme of human beings. Just think about how many love movies and love songs there are. (I can count endlessly in my lifetime.) The power of love is great, and it can even surpass everything.Therefore, throughout the ages, the powerful have regarded it as a threat and always tried to suppress it.

Psychologists say that a life nourished by love is happier and more fulfilling.On the contrary, if love is deprived, life will be a tragedy, just like the tragic characters in Shakespeare's works: Romeo and Juliet both die in love; Cleopatra commits suicide with a poisonous snake; The lover, drowned after being driven mad.

Being frivolous for love, this tells the journey of how many women's minds.According to the survey, love is the No. 12 reason why women are willing to commit themselves to each other.Why does love have such great power, making people cry, laugh, heartbreak, and enchanted?Why Are Brain Scientists Calling Love A Poison That Makes You Lose Your Mind?So is it possible to control a person's emotions by changing the chemicals in the human brain the same way they change the brain chemicals in other animals?Can skin-to-skin contact make women feel more affectionate?This chapter explores the great power of love and how and why it can affect women's sexuality.

What is love

The famous psychologist Robert Steinberg proposed the love triangle theory, which believes that love consists of three basic elements: intimacy, passion and commitment.Intimacy refers to the warm experience that can be aroused in a love relationship. Two people agree with each other and share their hearts. They hope to give and receive love, hope to enter each other's hearts, and communicate intimately.A woman interviewed talked about the deep affection between herself and her husband:

I think sex is one expression of love, but by no means the only expression.In bed, I express my love and trust to my lover and give him my best.It's because I love him.I use my body to satisfy my lover (physical, psychological, emotional needs) and let him know that we love each other.I can kiss or caress other people, but I only share my body with my lover.

—Heterosexual female, 29 years old

The second element Passion refers to strong emotion and lust.Elaine Hatfield, a famous psychologist at the University of Hawaii, has been engaged in the research of "passionate love" for many years.She defines passionate love as "the intense desire to be united with another human being."Professor Hatfield believes that "lovesickness" exists in cultures all over the world.People in some areas believe that lovesickness has specific pathological symptoms.For example, Professor Hatfield pointed out that South Indian Tamils ​​believed that lovesickness can cause dizziness, trance, mania, delusions and other symptoms.

When the lovesickness is answered, the strong love desire is satisfied, and the mood changes from extreme pain to ecstasy:

To be honest, I never thought that sex is about satisfying desires. In my opinion, sex has a deeper meaning.I was lucky to meet such a good man.In the past, we were separated from each other and suffered from lovesickness. From the bottom of our hearts, we realized the importance of each other and the true meaning of love, so we cherish the present even more.I looked into his eyes in the midst of lingering sentimentality... the feeling is indescribable... as if love has been sublimated and reached the highest level.

—Heterosexual female, 38 years old

A woman interviewed said that she was immersed in sweet love and could even bear her boyfriend's sloppy:
For my 20th birthday, my boyfriend took me to an amazing seafood restaurant and we couldn't have had a better time.He treats me like his princess.At this time, he is in love, and I am also in love.The romantic and sweet atmosphere of the restaurant has spread to his messy apartment.I lie down on the bed with him.That lingering moment was the most memorable.

—Heterosexual female, 20 years old

The third element, commitment, refers to the decision and expectation of love, which is divided into short-term and long-term.The short-term is to identify the other party and make sure that you like the other party.The long-term is to decide to stay with each other forever and live and die together.According to many interviewed women, commitment is the most important ingredient in love.Some people even use their bodies as bargaining chips to tie each other's hearts:
I hope he can stay with me with all his heart, so I gave him the first time.We were both virgins at the age of 16.That time I forced myself to do it because I wanted to prove to him how much I love him and to give him what no one else could.

—Heterosexual female, 25 years old

Why did you have a relationship with your ex-husband in the first place?At that time, I was an ignorant and ignorant girl, only 16 years old.At that time, I wanted to be together and not separate.I thought sex would buy lasting love, ignorantly confused sex and love, but couldn't see it at the time.Even thought that the more sex, the deeper the love.I am a fool.

—Heterosexual female, 41 years old

Some researchers believe that the combination of the above three elements determines the "concentration" of love.When two people are in sync in terms of intimacy, passion, and commitment, they are a great match.

Steinberg pointed out that the three elements of intimacy, passion, and commitment can form seven different "love types".The first is an empty love, full of commitment and devoid of intimacy and passion.These are probably the silent couples you see facing each other in restaurants.Their love is out of a sense of duty or out of choice.The second is stupid love, with passion and commitment but no intimacy.Love blows in like a whirlwind, but the flames blaze and turn to ashes in an instant, when one or both partners sadly discover that there is nothing between them but the physical urge.The third type is liking love, only intimacy, without passion and commitment, such as friendship.Opposite this is the fourth type, which has only intimacy and passion without commitment, which Steinberg calls romantic love.The fifth type is obsessive love, only passion, without intimacy and commitment.The sixth type is companionate love, only intimacy and commitment, lack of passion.Most old couples are companionate love. As time goes by and they become more and more familiar with each other, the initial burning passion gradually fades away.

The final type that Steinberg proposes is known as the perfect love, which is the perfect combination of intimacy, passion, and commitment.The long love journey cannot be smooth all the way, and it is impossible to be "perfect" all the time.Many times, intimacy, passion, and commitment ebb and flow with time and circumstances.Therefore, couples may experience various types of love on the road of love.

love is poison

People believe that the true meaning of love flows in the pen of the poet, in the singing of the singer, or in the murmur of the lover.I'm afraid to everyone's disappointment, the true meaning of love will appear under the various instruments of scientists.Scientists are trying to biologically explain all kinds of love -- from infatuation to perfection.The first to try this was the contemporary neuroscientist Nils Berhammer and his colleagues.They placed electrodes on the participants' scalps and used a machine called an electroencephalograph (EEG) to trace brain waves.During the process, the participants imagined the beautiful scene of a private tryst with their lover in an empty room, an enviable scene.Half of the participants were in a relationship at the time, and the remaining half were not.It turned out that the EEGs of the two groups of participants were quite different.Participants who were in love had very complex EEGs and more active brain regions.The experiment report wrote: "Participants in love dragged a heavy emotional 'burden' into the biological laboratory, just like a snail carrying a heavy shell." According to the experimental results, the scientists finally concluded that love is like "Insanity".

A decade later, in 2003, two neuroscientists at University College London, Andreas Bartels and Semir Zeki, set out to decipher the "falling in love" brain.They took 17 young people who were "really, deeply, madly in love" and gave them brain MRIs, which are good at capturing changes in blood flow in various parts of the brain.Active brain nerve cells consume oxygen, and hemoglobin in blood red blood cells transports oxygen from peripheral capillaries to the brain.So blood flow in the brain is closely related to how active the brain is.

During the brain scans of the young men, the researchers showed them photos of their romantic partners and close friends.It was found that when seeing a photo of a lover, the area in charge of happiness and satisfaction in the brain is extremely active, while the area in charge of feelings of sadness, fear, anxiety, etc. is very inhibited.In fact, the changes in the brain at this time are very similar to taking stimulants such as cocaine.The feeling of being in love suppresses the areas of the brain that control rational thought, so people in love are often "out of their minds."Or as the researchers put it, when people decide to love each other, there is no need to judge each other rationally.

Michael Leibowinds, a psychiatrist at the New York Institute of Psychiatry, has also noted the link between "love and poison," comparing passionate love to amphetamines, both of which produce euphoria that, over time, " Dependence" and "addiction". Once lacking this kind of emotion or substance, people will become panicky or attack others crazily.In fact, when lovers are in a state of intoxication, the brain will secrete a series of chemicals, such as dopamine, adrenaline, and especially anilinopropionic acid (PEA for short, similar to amphetamine).Unfortunately, this "natural stimulant" secreted by the brain does not last long.Therefore, Leiberwinds said that "love addicts" have to break up and fall in love again and again, enjoying the feeling of "flying on the clouds" when falling in love again and again.

love, maddening
Love makes people ecstatic, excited, and satisfied, but once you are separated from your lover, you will have a feeling of "not seeing each other in a day, like three autumns", and you will start to feel anxious, depressed, and disappointed.Every minute of separation is a painful longing, as if suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder.

In the 20s, Donatella Morasi, a psychiatrist at the University of Pisa in Italy, and colleagues suggested that people who are in love and those with OCD may have something in common: a lack of serotonin in the brain.Serotonin insufficiency has long been linked to depression and anxiety disorders such as OCD, and antidepressants like Prozac work primarily to improve mental conditions by increasing the body's serotonin.

To test this hypothesis, the research team brought in three groups of participants.The participants in the first group were in love for more than half a year, but had no sexual relationship, and spent at least four hours a day with their lover.The second group consisted of OCD patients who received no treatment.The third group is "ordinary people", that is, neither in love nor suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder.The researchers conducted blood tests on them to detect serotonin in the blood.It was found that the participants in the third group had normal levels of serotonin in their blood, which was to be expected.In contrast, serotonin levels were much lower in OCD patients.But the most startling thing was that people who were in love had serotonin levels 40 percent lower than the "average person."

A year later, the researchers found the first group of participants again.Sure enough, the passion at that time has long since dissipated, and the secretion of serotonin has returned to normal levels.Fortunately, the passion will disappear one day, otherwise the serotonin will always be insufficient.

Helen Fischer, an anthropologist at Rutgers University in the United States, has performed brain MRI tests on countless lovers.She thinks that being in love—or, as she calls it, "desire"—is akin to obsessive-compulsive disorder.In the budding stage of "desire", if you take antidepressants such as Prozac to control the level of serotonin in the body, then the burning emotion may be "cured" or suppressed.But, she added, if lust develops into romantic love, it can erupt like a volcano and get out of hand, which cannot be controlled by drugs such as Prozac.

forever like first love

Regardless of whether love is a heart-to-heart connection, a burning passion, or various chemical reactions in the brain, at least one thing is certain-the true love in the world is eternal, and there is love everywhere in the world.Even in a polygamous society there can be steadfast love.For example, New York State established a utopian community in the 19th century - "Oneida Community".Residents of the Oneida community believe that romantic love is actually a disguise for sexual desire. They practice "complex marriage", reject exclusive love, and resist single-mindedness. ".Likewise, early Mormonism did not approve of and tried to destroy dedicated love.Therefore, no matter in the Oneida community or the Mormon community, lovers who are more in love than gold can only hide their love secretly from the eyes of the elders.

In other polygamous societies where marriages are arranged, romantic love is not considered outrageous, but lovers are often separated violently.In many Arab societies, the first wife is usually appointed by the elders, but the second wife is optional.In Taita, southeastern Kenya, local women are willing to be second or third wives.The first marriage is generally ordered by the parents, and the matchmaker said that the subsequent marriages are the product of true love.Therefore, men generally favor their second or third wives.

Love is everywhere in the world.This is evidenced by random surveys across countries.Social psychologist Susan Spielcher and colleagues interviewed 1667 men and women from Russia, Japan, and the United States, asking them if they were currently in a relationship.As a result, most respondents said they were in love: 73% of Russian women and 61% of men; 63% of Japanese women and 41% of men; 63% of American women and 53% of men.You may have noticed that there is a huge difference between men and women, but let's not talk about that now.Through studying the cultures of other countries, it is found that the language to describe love is very vast, such as rhetoric of vows of eternal love, sweet and greasy love songs, bitterness of parting or lovesickness, etc.

(End of this chapter)