female sexual motivation

Chapter 11 The so-called love (2)
Scientists once conducted a large-scale "mate selection preference" questionnaire, with a total of 10047 participants from six continents and five major islands, involving 37 cultures.The results of the survey show that, despite coming from different cultural backgrounds, people all regard "compatibility in love and happiness" as the first, second, or third most important criterion for choosing a spouse.Therefore, "being in love with each other and being happy with each other" is a necessary condition for lasting love.Social psychologist Robert Levine and his colleagues launched a questionnaire about love and marriage. The respondents were college students from 11 countries. Will the person you love marry?" Students from the United States, Brazil, Australia, Japan, the United Kingdom and other countries believe that they must marry the person they love.But most students in less wealthy countries such as the Philippines, Thailand, Pakistan, and India say it is acceptable to marry someone they don't love.Apparently, in countries where marriage is governed by parents or religion, and people are generally poor, sometimes for practical reasons people marry people they don't want to love.What's more, psychologists have found that no matter where they are, whether it's China, Indonesia, Micronesia, Palau, Turkey, Russia, Japan, or the United States, men and women have similar understandings of love.Since the understanding of love is basically the same, do men and women behave similarly when they fall in love or lose love?Girls who are just in love and giggling will have a crush on boys who they seldom meet or never meet, and women are always on the sentimental and indecisive side.In addition, relevant research has proved that men are more likely to "fall in love at first sight", which may be the result of long-term human evolution.Generally speaking, men are more likely to be fooled by appearance, while women need various signals such as smell and personality to burst out the spark of love.In Argentina, Zimbabwe and other countries, men like women with thin waists and fat hips, because such women are generally healthy and fertile.All in all, women need a long time to judge whether the other party is the ideal partner they are looking for, while men are more reckless, and it is easy to "fall in love at first sight".

In addition, men seem to be less likely to flirt with others.The traditional view is that men always love the new and dislike the old, and tend to empathize with others, while women are always devoted in love and are easily hurt.However, a follow-up survey of 1972 couples of college students from 1974 to 231 came to the opposite conclusion and strongly refuted this prejudice.According to the results of the survey, women are more likely to propose a breakup, and they can foresee a breakup very early.Therefore, after breaking up, the woman generally thinks that the relationship is dying slowly, while the man usually thinks that the relationship ends suddenly, which is simply a "bolt from the blue".In addition, when recalling past relationships, women cited more conflicts or problems than men.

The facts also show that breaking up is more harmful to men.Of course, this needs to be analyzed on a case-by-case basis, but generally speaking, men are more lonely and depressed.It is believed that this is determined by the different economic and social status of men and women.Although the survey was conducted in the 20s, the social roles of men and women have not changed, and women still depend on men for wealth and social status.In this sense, women need to think twice and carefully consider many factors when choosing a mate, so it is unlikely that they will fall in love with each other all at once.Men, as owners of wealth and social status, have no such concerns.In other words, men are qualified to "love at first sight" and to love only for love.Shelley Taylor, a social psychologist at the University of California, Los Angeles, coined the term "the caring instinct."According to this concept, women generally take the initiative to care for others or seek care from others in order to relieve stress. This may be because women look weaker and easily arouse the compassion of others, or it may be because women are better at interpersonal relationships.Therefore, when falling in love, women are more likely than men to find emotional support.

love and sex

Love can last forever, it can make people smile by turns, it can cause grief by others, and it can temporarily change brain chemicals.But, as rock singer Tina Turner sang, what has sex to do with love?According to our research, it can be said that sex and love are inseparable.When asked why they had a relationship, female respondents answered "I want him to know how much I love him," or "I found out I'm in love," two of the top ten reasons for all responses.They go to great lengths to describe how they use sex to gain love.Sometimes, they get the love and commitment they want:
I lost my virginity because I needed love.My family was living in a small town at the time, and my mother was very cold to me, and she made a mess of her own life.During my freshman year of high school, I fell in love with a guy, and we had a relationship soon after.I've never kissed a guy before.As a result, in just one month, I went from my first kiss to my first night.He made me feel wanted and special and he said he loved me... luckily our love lasted four years.

—Heterosexual female, 25 years old

Sometimes, women do not get the love they desire, and everything is just an illusion of being loved:
I was very naive back then, hopelessly infatuated with my then-boyfriend.But deep down I knew that he didn't care about me that much, but I didn't want to admit it, so I tried every means to convince myself that it wasn't like that, he must care about me.After our intimate behavior, I was a little carried away with joy, and a little bit proud, because in my heart, sex is equal to love, and if he can have sex with me, it "proves" that he loves me... At that time, I really was Think so.

—Heterosexual female, 25 years old

The very first time I entered a full-time job, I met an incredibly sexy man.I was a mother at the time... thought there would never be love again, but I fell in love with (colleague)... He was much more sophisticated than me and gave me a few big sex lessons.Then we started to practice it ourselves. At that time, we thought that listening to him would make him fall in love with me.He gave me blowjobs, stripteases, phone sex games.I was so young and honestly thought I would make him fall in love with me by doing this, but he didn't.But I still can't remember it.

—Heterosexual female, 46 years old

Sometimes, not only did they not get love, even the illusion became a luxury:
I fell in love with him, and with all my love, I hope to impress him one day.He clearly rejected me, saying that he was no longer interested in me, and only wanted to be friends with me, but I didn't give up, and had sex with him at least five times. Later, he said that friends should not have sexual relations, and refused to continue. Had sex with me... this relationship experience was very painful from start to finish.

—Heterosexual female, 28 years old

Many of the women interviewed said that they had sex not to get love, but to express love:
Sex is love in action.There are many kinds of love, and different loves need to be expressed with different actions.When I desire someone's body or mind or body, I think I choose to express my desire in terms of sex.

—Heterosexual female, 25 years old

Plus, for many people, sex and love are inseparable:
Hmmm...is there any other reason to have a relationship besides love?real.It seems to me that the love of hearts necessarily leads to the union of bodies.

—Heterosexual female, 35 years old

Sex is because of love, since ancient times.In fact, the connection between sex and love was expressed when humans first invented writing. In the 20s, a small clay tablet was unearthed in what is now Iraq.A love poem written 80 years ago is inscribed on the clay tablet, historians say.This is by far the oldest love poem in the world.In the poem, the priestess boldly reveals her lust to the king:
Bridegroom, my love,
You are so handsome, my sweetheart.

You make me shudder and tremble;

Bridegroom, tonight belongs to you and me.

Such a blatant confession of the priestess obviously did not scare the king away, for she wrote later:

Bridegroom, you indulged in me.

Tell my mother, and she'll prepare you food and wine.

Tell my father and he'll have nice presents for you.

Although most women admit that sex and love are inseparable, there are also individual cases:

When I first started, I thought sex was love, it was commitment.That's how I feel about people next to my pillow.But now I don't think so anymore.

—Heterosexual female, 28 years old

Studies have found that some women are comfortable with sex without love.They are generally cheerful and curious, for example, they like to try new things, love to travel abroad, and so on.

It is true that women can accept sex without love, but more women than men think that sex cannot be without love.Researchers at Maston's Sexual Psychophysiology Laboratory interviewed more than 700 college students, about half of whom were European and half Asian.The researchers asked them if they agreed with the idea that "sex without love is okay."It turns out that, whether European or Asian, men accept loveless sex far more than women.Psychologist David Schmidt came to similar conclusions in a large survey involving 56 countries.

A survey conducted by the Bath Evolutionary Psychology Laboratory also found differences in the sexual conceptions of men and women.100 men and 100 women participated in the survey respectively. The researchers asked them to think of 5 acquaintances who were in love or had been in love, and then listed 5 behaviors of young lovers to express their love.There are strikingly interesting differences between men and women: only 8% of women list sexual activity, compared with 32% of men.This shows that in men's minds, sex and love are closely related in at least one aspect.When it comes to love, men first think of sex.In short, women see love as a prerequisite for sex, while men see sex as a prerequisite for love.

more sexual

Just as many women want to have sex to express or receive love, there are also many women who want to use sex to enhance their relationship with each other.They said, "Longing for intimacy," "Looking for a deeper connection," "Feeling inseparable from him," "Boosting in sex," "Wanting to blend in," and so on.In fact, these answers all express the same meaning: hope to obtain or enhance each other's love through sex.Our survey results once again subvert the traditional view that whether it is male or female college students, they hope to enhance each other's feelings through sex.

Some women hope to get closer to each other during sex, so as to save a precarious love:

Because it's a long-distance relationship, maybe everything is doomed to be in vain, but I don't want to give up.We seized the few opportunities to meet and mingle together.I hope this brings us closer together and a stronger conviction to keep going.But in the end, the bamboo basket fetched water in vain.

- gay woman, 18

Other interviewed women also described similar experiences.They had all tried in vain to keep their lover's heart in bed.In fact, such efforts often have the opposite effect.During intimacy, one or both parties realize how far apart the hearts (or bodies) have become from each other, and the joy of intimacy has evaporated like a cloud.

Of course, if two people are already deeply in love, then sex will play a role in fueling love:

Sex creates a special intimacy between two people that you don't get anywhere except in sex.So I am willing to throw myself in bed and surround him with my tenderness.

—Heterosexual female, 25 years old

I feel like I've grown to love her and I want to share anything with her, whether it's my story or our experiences together.We get along very well and harmoniously... I can't help but want to establish a kind of tacit understanding with her physically.

- gay woman, 20

When many women describe their sexual experience, they often confuse "sex because of love" and "sex makes love stronger":
I hope we can communicate wholeheartedly, and hope that after the lingering, we can get closer to each other.I guess it's the subtle difference between intercourse and lovemaking.When I'm in love with someone, I try to find ways to get close to them, and sex is one of them.

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

I cannot accept sex without love.In my opinion, being in love is an irresistible desire to be united with one another.Merging means not only the union of body, but also the union of mind and spirit.Sex is just what allows two people to achieve a seamless blend.

—Heterosexual female, 23 years old

In fact, the feeling of being in love is almost the same as falling in love. People's mood becomes softer and they feel at ease.I no longer suppress loneliness, but instead have a kind of accompanying pleasure, feeling that I am another wing of an angel with broken wings:

Loving with all your heart is when you want to be one with another person—I am in you, and you are in me, so gluey that it is impossible to separate.

- gay woman, 43

The women interviewed repeatedly talked about being "one," "connected," or feeling "whole."In fact, Aristophanes explained love in this way in Plato's Symposium.This great dialogue tells such a story.Humans originally had four legs, four arms, and a head with two faces.Their speed of action is astonishing, and their strength is strong enough to challenge the power of God.So they conspired to overthrow Zeus and the other gods.When Zeus knew this, he swung a knife and cut the human being in half.Apollo, the god of light, turned the human face around, pulled the cut skin to where the human belly is now, and tied a knot after sewing it up, so human beings have a belly button.Since then, human beings have been running around, exhausting their lives to find their other half:
Those who were split in two missed their other half so much that they came running together and put their arms around each other's necks, refusing to separate.They don't want to eat or do anything because they don't want to leave their significant other.Over time, they began to die of starvation and exhaustion... Each was only half a human being, like a flounder split in two, and each was always looking for the other half to unite with.

It turns out that human beings have been searching for their other half for thousands of years.

Sex can also heal the cracks in a relationship.For example, some interviewed women talked about "good sex".Whatever the reason, an altercation is bound to hurt feelings.So women often hope to use their bodies to warm each other's hearts:

At that time, our relationship encountered a great crisis.He decided that I no longer loved him.Although we talked for hours, it always felt like there was a distance between us and we were not as close as we used to be.So I want to have his body again, so that we can regain the lost tenderness.

—Heterosexual female, 19 years old

Also, sex is even more beautiful when there are strong feelings:
My boyfriend made me feel for the first time how wonderful sex with love is, and the passion makes us feel like ducks in water in sex, and the body and mind are in harmony.Strong love makes sex more passionate and lingering, and extremely pleasant sex makes us love each other more deeply.When they truly love each other, they both long to have intercourse with each other, hope to push the love to the peak, and hope to merge into one.

—Heterosexual female, 22 years old

According to a survey conducted by Maston's laboratory, there are four behaviors or signals that can arouse a woman's desire.The first three actions or signals all relate to sexual attraction and arousal.The first is clear pornographic signals, including watching or reading pornographic stories, "flirting" with a lover, or feeling horny, such as getting wet.The second is status, including seeing or chatting with famous and powerful people.Again, "ambiguous" signals, including dancing close to the body, having a special dinner, laughing together, etc.Finally, there is emotion, which can ignite the desire of the body, so that women can finally deliver to the body.

Even if women are reserved and passive or indifferent to external stimuli, they can still get pleasure from sex, because sex is accompanied by cuddling, tenderness, and tacit understanding.One interviewed woman said:

Since I'm asexual, I don't have much sexual desire.But I can get spiritual pleasure from sex.

(End of this chapter)