female sexual motivation

Chapter 17
From defending your spouse to moving on
Don't you think I'm going to live a life of jealousy,
As a result, suspicions are growing day by day?
No, I just had a suspicion and I wanted to solve it right away.

— Othello, William Shakespeare
Sexual rivalry cannot be separated from rival enemies, and the word "enemy" is derived from Latin for "those who compete with each other using the same river".In the Roman Empire, rivers were the most important production and living resources. They were not only important channels for communication and trade with the outside world, but also important sources for irrigation, hygiene and basic survival.Similarly, women achieve a series of physical, psychological and evolutionary goals through sex, and in the process, it is inevitable that they will compete with other rivals for the same spouse.

Rivalry can make women sexually active, but sometimes self-defense and jealousy—provocative jealousy—can also drive women to seek sex, as we explore in this chapter.One woman interviewed said:
I had a sexual partner (not a boyfriend) and we were together for over half a year.Once, I was drinking with my sex partner and his best friend, and later my sex partner fell asleep.At this time, his best friend began to "seduce" me.I decided to sleep with him because I wanted to let my sex partner know that I had a suitor.

—Heterosexual female, 19 years old

Where does jealousy come from
The psychology of sexual jealousy has puzzled social scientists for decades.For a long time, the traditional view has been that jealousy is an immature emotion, a defect in personality, and a manifestation of low self-esteem.In the early 20s, the famous anthropologist Margaret Mead argued that jealousy is nothing more than a wounded self-esteem, "Envy is not a measure of love, but rather reveals a lover's insecurities . . . A negative, pathetic emotion that stems from inner insecurities and inferiority complexes.” Other scientists agree with her that jealousy arises primarily from wounded self-esteem, fear of losing a partner, or fear of others encroaching on “yourself.” the property of".Those who support this view generally agree that jealousy is a product of culture and therefore varies from culture to culture.

Evolutionary psychologists take a different view, arguing that sexual jealousy is an instinctive response.According to them, jealousy arises only when love is threatened.Threats are everywhere in a romantic relationship between a man and a woman.For example, a spouse-stealer falls in love with your partner or tries to take your partner away; your partner reveals signs of infidelity or wants to break up; So in love again.When the relationship is faced with the above threats, jealousy can sound the alarm for the people in love, be alert to the threats that appear, and finally take action to eliminate the threats.

Generally speaking, the more insecure people are, the more dependent they are on their partners, the more crisis their relationship has, and the stronger their jealousy.Several of the women interviewed wrote that they slept with other people because of jealousy, and admitted that their own low self-esteem played a role in it:
At that time, I had just lost my relationship, and my mood was very low. I felt that I had been abandoned, and my self-esteem was hit.About a week later, I went on a blind date and had sex with her.I told my ex-girlfriend that I had a new relationship.I just wanted her to feel jealous, otherwise I wouldn't have had sex with that guy.

- gay woman, 21

I am embarrassed to talk about this topic, let alone proud of it.But in the past, whenever I was in pain because of a broken relationship, I would always find someone else to have sex with, but I was always thinking about my ex-boyfriend.Thinking to myself, "What would he think if he saw me like this? Would he be jealous? Would he want to come back to me?" This thought is sad and shows that I still have deep feelings for him .

—Heterosexual female, 19 years old

Across cultures, there are both similarities and differences in what causes jealousy and how people respond.In a survey, the researchers interviewed more than 7 college students from seven countries: the United States, Ireland, Mexico, Hungary, the Netherlands, the Soviet Union, and the former Yugoslavia.The researchers asked them how they viewed a series of ambiguous behaviors between their sexual partners and others: flirting, kissing, dancing, cuddling, lovemaking, sexual fantasies.Some behaviors, such as flirting, kissing, and making love, can arouse intense feelings of jealousy.Other behaviors, such as dancing, hugging, and sexual fantasies, tend to evoke less intense jealousy.This is true in all cultures.

But there are also some very interesting differences between cultures.For example, Americans don't care too much about their partners hugging other people, while this may make Hungarians very angry.The ex-Yugoslavs were the least tolerant of their partners flirting, but less concerned about their partners kissing or having sexual fantasies.The Dutch obviously don't mind their partners kissing, hugging, dancing, etc. with others, but they do care if their partners are having sexual fantasies.The Soviets were the least tolerant of their partners dancing with other people than people of other countries.

Cross-cultural research has found that infidelity is most likely to be perceived as threatening in certain circumstances: 1. if marriage is necessary for companionship, status, or survival; 2. if it is difficult to find a sexual partner outside of marriage; 3. if property 4. If having children is the top priority.The situation of two tribes described by psychologist Elaine Hatfield illustrates this point well.For the Amsalik Eskimos in Greenland, all the necessities of food, clothing, housing and transportation are obtained by the labor of hands.They are completely self-sufficient, partners help each other, and especially need a strong partner to live together.Amsalik Eskimos are also known to be jealous, which is not surprising, as rivals can threaten one's own existence.The Tuda tribe in India implements a communal economy, and there is no private property. Tribal members divide labor, and sex between men and women is also very casual.The people of the Tuda tribe consider marriage a luxury rather than a necessity, and the most common form of marriage is "brothers and wives", that is, once a woman marries, she will become the wife of all her husband's brothers.

A survey of 25000 people of all nationalities in the United States found that most people behave similarly when they are jealous.They always think that their partner will be unfaithful, and suffer psychologically because of it, so they start looking for evidence-eavesdropping on their partner's phone, stalking their partner, secretly searching through their partner's personal belongings to see if they can find Suspicious business cards or phone numbers, etc.

These jealous couples can sometimes be a little irrational, but it turns out to be an instinctive reaction too.Consider the following example:
On Christmas Eve, a man from across the street saw his neighbor's window lights twinkling at the same time as his own Christmas tree.He was immediately convinced that his wife was having an affair with a neighbor.He went home and questioned his wife, but she called him "crazy thinking", which was simply pathological.

There is no doubt that the man's behavior is indeed a little irrational: the Christmas tree lights do not flash in sync.But he was right to be skeptical!His wife was indeed having a hot fight with someone else, and this person was none other than his neighbor.Some psychologists believe that jealousy reflects emotional intelligence, and emotional intelligence will play a role when there is a real or possible crisis in the relationship.Not only the imminent crisis, but also the latent crisis can make people jealous, such as discovering that their partner is unwilling to have sex with them.

Because acts of infidelity and betrayal are so secretive, people can only tell by clues.So, like a fire alarm that goes off when there is no fire, jealous people can commit what psychologist Paul Ekman calls "Othello's error."Ekman retells the story of Othello and Desdemona in Shakespeare's plays in his book "The Analysis of Emotions".When Othello forced Desdemona to confess her adultery, Desdemona said that Cassio could prove her innocence, but Cassio was the adulterer Othello suspected, and Othello told Tess Dimona He has killed Cassio.Desdemona collapsed completely after hearing the news, and Othello naturally thought that her crying was because her lover was killed.Ekman believes: "Othello's mistake is not that he didn't understand Desdemona's mood. He knew her pain and fear. His mistake was that he thought that there was only one reason for her emotions. He thought that her pain was because her lover was killed, and that she Fear is because he betrayed her husband. He killed Desdemona without thinking about it. In fact, he should think about other reasons: the reason for her pain and fear is because she is clearly jealous but she is jealous strong husband, and there was nothing she could do about it."

The most extreme response is to brutally abuse or kill one's partner—as opposed to revenge against a rival (which we discussed in a previous chapter).Most of those who abused or killed their partners out of jealousy were men.Data from women's help centers show that two-thirds of women who seek help are because of a violent blow from a jealous partner.In fact, male jealousy is the leading cause of wife abuse and murder worldwide.

When jealousy occurs, everyone behaves differently.Some people will pretend that nothing happened, some people will try to find out the root of the problem and try to restore the relationship, and some people will try to eliminate the third party in a more subtle way.Many interviewed women have mentioned that they try to eliminate the third party through sex:
My ex boyfriend keeps talking to a girl and I hate her so much.I jumped at the chance to have sex with my ex-boyfriend.I knew he was going to tell the girl about it, so I was happy.

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

My ex-boyfriend cheated on me, but knowing about it I slept with him again, and I think I did it partly to make that third person jealous.

—Heterosexual female, 20 years old

Chastity under violence
Another manifestation of jealousy is an attempt to control the other person's behavior.Throughout the ages, men have always controlled women's behavior.In the Middle Ages, aristocratic men used chastity belts to bind their wives to ensure their chastity.Many countries now practice what is known as female circumcision, or female genital mutilation.According to estimates by relevant experts, about 8000 million to 1.2 million women receive different degrees of genital resection every year during childhood or adolescence.The practice of female circumcision is still practiced in 29 countries, mostly in Africa but also in Indonesia and some countries in the Middle East.Female genital mutilation is mainly related to Islamic traditions. Although female circumcision is not mentioned in the Quran, later Islamic scriptures often emphasize female circumcision and give it a sacred religious meaning.

There are three main types of female genitalectomy.The simplest one is called "Sunah" (Sunah is Arabic, meaning custom or usual way), which means removing the foreskin of the clitoris.The second is called "clitorisectomy", which involves removing part or all of the clitoris and part or all of the labia minora.The more extreme one is the "pubic lock method" (the most popular in Sudan), which is to seal the genitals to prohibit sexual intercourse: not only the clitoris and labia minora are completely removed, but also part of the labia majora is removed, and the sides of the vulva are used The locusts are pierced together or sewn together with gut, leaving only a small gap for urine and menstrual blood to flow out.When a girl is married and ready to have sex, the vulva is cut open and usually sewn up again immediately after intercourse.

In cultures where female circumcision is prevalent, women with uncut clitoris are considered dirty and pose health risks to men with whom they have sex.However, the fundamental purpose of this custom is to reduce women's sexual desire and suppress women's sexual behavior, especially premarital and extramarital sex.Removal of the clitoris reduces a woman's sexual pleasure, while the cleavage method makes it impossible for a woman to have sexual intercourse, and even any touching becomes unbearable.In areas where circumcision is practiced, uncircumcised girls cannot be married off.

At present, there is still a lot of controversy about the consequences of female circumcision, especially the genital incision method can lead to a series of serious consequences, such as abnormal urination, dysmenorrhea, painful sexual intercourse, dystocia and infertility.Whether lighter female circumcision will affect a woman's orgasm is still uncertain, because circumcision is generally performed when women have no sexual experience.Some researchers believe that removing the clitoral hood or clitoral glands does not necessarily make a woman unable to orgasm.But the pubic lock method will definitely leave women unable to orgasm or even sexual arousal, because the surgery destroys nerves.Recently, scientists have attempted to surgically repair damaged nerves, which has been shown to hold promise for enhancing sexual pleasure in women.The United States banned female circumcision in 1996 and made it illegal.In recent years, the governments of some African countries have also banned or severely restricted the practice of female circumcision, but with little success.

It's hard to imagine women actively provoking red-eyed demons, given the range of brutality that can be triggered by intense jealousy, but they do.

make each other jealous

As the saying goes, "What you don't want to do is exactly what other sisters want." Cheating is something most people dare to think about but dare not do.If your partner gets sexual satisfaction from you, he's less likely to go out and find someone (unless he's a natural swinger).

—Heterosexual female, 28 years old

In love and war, all is fair.The best explanation for this is the jealousy between lovers.In fact, far more women than men intentionally make their partners jealous—31 percent to 17 percent, one study found—and women use a variety of tricks, though most of them are sexual.

The most common way for women to make each other jealous is to casually mention how other men tease her, or touch her with their bodies on purpose, or ask for her phone number, etc.Another trick is to flirt with other men in front of your partner.Some people like to talk about their exes with their partners.Whenever this happens, men (and women) tend to struggle to keep their emotions in check.People hide their jealousy, are afraid of revealing their true feelings, and don't want others to know their inner insecurities.But the bottom of my heart was already surging.

Men will fight and even kill because of jealousy, so why would women risk their lives to provoke their partners?This may be related to the status of women in relationships.Generally speaking, most lovers' investment in each other's feelings is balanced.But many couples—about 39 percent, according to one study—are unbalanced in their emotional commitment to each other.When men care more about women, only 26% of women will deliberately make each other jealous.On the contrary, when women care more about men, 50% of women will deliberately make each other jealous.

(End of this chapter)