female sexual motivation

Chapter 18
Women's strategies to make each other jealous have three functions.First, let the other party realize their own charm.When other men covet their women, men will feel that they have a good vision.Second, you can test how much the other party values ​​you.For example, if you see your partner sitting in someone else's arms and making gestures and still remain indifferent, then this man may not care about his partner at all.The degree of jealousy can reflect whether the other party loves you deeply.Perhaps the most important role is the third one - to make the other party feel more deeply.This is true for men. Whenever they find that their woman is very popular with other men, they will cherish her more and more.Jealous men will be more obsessed with their partners, and believe that they are the lucky ones who have found treasures, so they will double their relationship.

take extreme measures
In order to show their attractiveness to each other, some women even have sex with strangers.Several women interviewed talked about this more extreme strategy.But most of the time, this strategy is either counterproductive or less effective:
I fell in love with a girl and I was wishful thinking.To make her jealous, I had sex with a guy...but she didn't do anything about it.

— Bisexual female, 27 years old

When I was 20, my boyfriend of two years was hanging out with another girl, and we broke up.Then I had an affair with a guy from his college fraternity who was also his best friend.I told myself that I was doing this to hurt my ex-boyfriend.But in reality, I wanted to make him jealous and want him to come back to me.It backfired, not only did he not want to come back to me, but all his fraternity friends started to hate me, including the one I had sex with (double standard).

—Heterosexual female, 28 years old

One interviewee described a time when she tried and failed miserably to make someone jealous:
My boyfriend and I just broke up, and to make him jealous, I slept with one of his friends at a party.I was drunk, in a terrible mood, and his friends were attractive to me.But I regret it so much afterwards, and my ex was devastated too.I did something I shouldn't have done that night, and my relationship with my ex has completely changed since then.We are still in touch now but he has completely lost his trust in me and I wish nothing had happened that night.

—Heterosexual female, 22 years old

Sometimes I just wanted to make the other person jealous, but it backfired, and I lost the other person forever:

At that time I was not satisfied with him, so I hope to use my brain to make him treat me well.As a result, he immediately proposed to break up. I think it is better not to play tricks casually in the future.

—Heterosexual female, 23 years old

This strategy of having sex with others usually backfires because sexual fidelity is generally expected in long-term relationships.According to the Bath Laboratory of Evolutionary Psychology, women rated "sexual fidelity" as the second most important requirement for a long-term mate, after "honesty".Men who didn't care about their women having sex with other people in the past have failed to reproduce.The ancestors of modern people valued sexual fidelity, only cared about women who were loyal to themselves (or forced them to be loyal), and never tolerated women who were promiscuous.Most women are very clear about this, so they pay attention to style issues, and it is often the style of talking about rivals between women and women.This strategy of getting involved with others is extreme and can completely destroy an otherwise fragile relationship.

There are exceptions, however, and this strategy occasionally works wonders:
I want to make him jealous so that he can be obedient.So I had a relationship with someone who was exactly my taste anyway.It worked, at least for me.

—Heterosexual female, 25 years old

Flirting can be a good way to make the other party realize your charm and love yourself twice, but when a woman gets the other party's attention by going to bed, she often suffers failure.

defend spouse
My mother told me that I had to please my husband or I would be replaced by another woman.

—Heterosexual female, 37 years old

I think if two people don't have sex for a long time, then there is a risk of a breakup or a partner cheating.So in the few relationships that have lasted for a long time, many times I have sex with my partner out of this mentality.

—Heterosexual female, 33 years old

Spouse defense refers to a range of strategies aimed at retaining a spouse, ranging from vigilance to violence.Sex can be regarded as a method of defending one's spouse.Women said they had sex because they didn't want to make their partners flirt or reduce their partners' desire to have sex with other people.A woman interviewed said that she was very worried that a third party would appear:
I used to have a boyfriend who felt he was "in love" with an online guy he hadn't even seen a picture of.When chatting online, the netizen said what he liked to hear, which made him think about it and immerse himself in his fantasy.Back then, I was always dressed sexy, and I was competing with an invisible person.It's just a game to her, but my boyfriend is serious.I always feel like he's comparing me to his "fantasy", so I try to be the best I can be.

—Heterosexual female, 41 years old

The act of defending a spouse is not limited to Western culture.The Muriya people live in the Bastar region of central India. Muriya women are very worried that their husbands will fool around outside in the early stages of marriage: "Wives don't want their husbands to go to social places (like men's and women's dormitories, so that young people can bury them. First of all, every night carnival)...and always ask for some fun before the husband goes out, hoping that the husband will not be easily moved by others."

This strategy helps women achieve two goals.First, to achieve sexual fidelity by allowing short-term or long-term partners to obtain sexual satisfaction.As one interviewed woman put it:

Recently I noticed that my husband is surfing the internet a lot on dating sites.Our little one was just born and there was a lot of chaos inside and outside the house.We haven't had sex for almost 9+ months. (We couldn't have sex for a long time because of the difficult labor.) I asked him why he was browsing dating sites, and we had an argument about it.He said he was bored.I felt like I was responsible for this, so I slept with him and hoped he wouldn't be fooling around.

—Heterosexual female, 27 years old

Second, it allows women to talk about their happy sex lives within their social circles, sending a clear signal to potential spouse-stealers.

Mate defensive behavior has been documented in several species of animals, including insects and mammals.Generally speaking, it is the male who takes care of the mate.For example, male water spiders will spend hours lying on their mates' backs even when they are not mating, this is to prevent other water spiders from taking their mates.Unlike insects and other mammals, human pair bonds can last years, decades, or even a lifetime.Therefore, both men and women face the problem of how to "hold on" to their spouses.

As an advanced social animal, we humans are always facing the threat of our partner being stolen, and we are also facing the danger of our partner "moving on".One of the Bath lab findings echoes our own, namely that women often use sex to defend their love, whether in a couple or in a relationship.In order to please their partners, women will always satisfy each other's sexual requirements, and show "sexy" charm in every gesture, hoping that their partners will not turn their minds to others.They do what they like in sex and try to hold their partners down as much as possible.Sometimes this strategy does work:

My husband likes me to take the initiative in sex, he wants to be with me now, and he doesn't stare at other women like he used to.

—Heterosexual female, 30 years old

I want to have sex with my boyfriend before breaking up. (I was a virgin at the time and had been in a relationship with my boyfriend for about half a year, but I didn't want to be in a relationship with one person all the time.) So I decided to have sex with him after the breakup...we did have a relationship after the breakup...but this But it acts as the glue of love.Does it sound scary?I feel that people who have sex after breaking up are a bit too frivolous... But the strange thing is that we naturally cannot leave each other, and he is more attentive to me, takes the initiative to do what should be done, and has a strong desire to protect me.Maybe subconsciously, I don't want to break up at all.No matter what, our love is saved.

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

But there are times when this strategy fails:
I thought I had found the man of my dreams.Thinking that if I dedicate myself to him, he must only be thinking of me.In fact, I am not the only woman who throws himself into his arms.Such a man is not worth fighting for.

—Heterosexual female, 37 years old

I was 17 years old at the time, young and ignorant, thinking that sex can keep people around me.Eventually my boyfriend and I broke up, I was very angry and I learned from it.

—Heterosexual female, 40 years old

Sometimes, having sex with other people will make the partner change his mind, please see the following story:
My husband was having an affair and his girlfriend called to tell me about their affair.I started to lose weight for him and went to the gym every day to work out.I ended up meeting a handsome and masculine construction worker and started dating him, hoping it would bring my husband back.It worked, but we've been on and off for 30 years.It's sad, I know.

—Heterosexual female, 50 years old

In order to defend their spouses, some women will join in the "three-person sex". Generally speaking, it is a combination of two women and one man.Consider the experiences of the two interviewed women below:

My boyfriend... keeps saying he wants to have a threesome with me and another girl and I keep saying no.I don't want this matter to affect the relationship between us.One time, just bumped into this girl at a party and the two of us started kissing each other like crazy, right in front of my boyfriend.Later I had a room alone with this girl and had sex.

—Heterosexual female, 22 years old

The guy I'm with right now likes to play partner swapping, I don't like the lifestyle, but I love him enough to do anything for him.We used to go to wife swap clubs where we had sex with other people and he was so excited about it.I'll just pretend he's my master, and I'll obey whatever he asks, and that way, time will be easier.I would never do such a thing myself.He kept telling me to invite my best friend over for a threesome, and while I was outwardly compliant, I was terrified.I don't want to see her the next morning and pretend nothing happened.

—Heterosexual female, 32 years old

Of course, people will have threesome sex for different motives, such as seeking excitement or pure experience, which we will discuss in detail in Chapter 7.But for some women, multiplayer sex, wife swapping or polygamy (falling in love with multiple people at the same time) games are mainly to cater to their partners and hope to keep their partners.

Women make love in defense of their mates because failure to do so can lead to disastrous results.A woman who does not defend her mate may lose her mate's support, both material and moral.If the partner is cheating, then the woman is at risk of contracting an STD, and a partner who messes outside can easily contract an STD, and then most likely pass the disease on to the woman.If a woman is "dumped," she can be embarrassed, humiliated and her reputation damaged.Although sex is not a panacea, it can at least partially prevent a partner from cheating or defend love.

Empathy
In the eyes of many, adultery is immoral, and sexual infidelity can be extremely damaging to an individual and to the relationship between two people.A single act of infidelity can cause a huge trauma to the partner's heart, and the partner will feel jealous, sad, frustrated, angry, ashamed, etc. because of this.Sexual infidelity is also one of the main causes of domestic violence, and sometimes it can even be a motive for killing.A study of 89 cultures by anthropologist Laura Betzger found that sexual infidelity was the second leading cause of marriage breakdown, behind infertility.

For all the downsides of sexual infidelity, cheating on women isn't without its benefits.It might seem strange to talk about the "benefits" of "sexual infidelity," but bear with me for a moment.First, having sex with other people yields important information about one's own worth in the courtship "market."This is critical because it can help the cheating person decide whether or not to continue the current relationship.If your lover is very attractive, tell him or her that he or she is very attractive too.

As one interviewed woman put it:
I feel as if he has started a new life and found someone he likes.Then I can't fall behind, lest I hurt myself.It's not just about getting in sync with him (let's be fair to each other), it's about finding some inner security.If he doesn't like me, or gets tired of me, then I need to prove my charm elsewhere.

—Heterosexual female, 19 years old

At the same time, a lover can also soothe your wounded heart and accompany you through the most difficult adjustment period:

I was so disturbed by my lover suggesting that we had reached the end, so I started seducing other people, that if I was dumped, at least one person would be there for me.

— Bisexual female, 20 years old

It is impossible for a lover to be by your side forever, but at least it can give you emotional support and reduce the pain of losing your lover.

Sometimes, a lover becomes the love of a lifetime.This can be seen in the motivations of women who cheat.One study found that 79 percent of women who cheated ended up falling in love with or developing feelings for their lover.The experience of men is just the opposite, only 1/3 of men have ever had a real affection for their lover.Another study found that most men have affairs just for thrills.Women love the truth for another reason: The vast majority of women who cheat have very unhappy marriages.But men are different, cheating men can also enjoy a happy family life!Only 34% of cheating women think their marriage is happy or very happy, while 56% of men who have extramarital affairs think their marriage is happy or very happy.

In fact, in Western countries, about 1/3 of women will have an extramarital affair in their lifetime.Behind extramarital affairs is also hidden the theory of evolution: let women understand their own sexual charm, enhance self-confidence, obtain spiritual comfort, enter new relationships and even find the love of their lives.

Bath Lab has done research on women's motivations for cheating.One woman said she felt less pain about breaking up with her husband after having a lover.Another woman described how she learned from an affair that she could have found a more suitable partner.Another woman said she got married at a young age, and after having an affair, it became clear to her that there was absolutely no need for her to marry a partner she didn't want.

Finally, the sexual satisfaction gained from extramarital affairs can give women the confidence to end an unhappy relationship bravely.When sex isn't working, partners often blame themselves.But in fact, the root of the problem may be that two people have different sexual desires, and sex becomes a duty rather than a pleasure.In the next chapter, we will explore this issue.

(End of this chapter)