female sexual motivation

Chapter 19 Responsibility (1)
Fulfill responsibility without guilt

I'm glad Charles doesn't come to my bedroom as much as he used to.He comes twice a week now, and whenever I hear his footsteps outside the door, I lie down, close my eyes, spread my legs, and think about England.

— Mrs. Alice Hillington (1857-1940)

In 1950, humorists James Thurber and E. B. White wrote: "The hunger is one man's business, not the second man's business . . . but sexual hunger is another man's. The 'other' One person' is the source of all trouble." I'm afraid we can't agree with the first part of this sentence, (does everyone in your family cook their own meals?), but the second part does make sense.When two people have different sexual needs, conflicts and conflicts are very likely to arise.

Of course, this paradox can be resolved—at least temporarily.Usually, the person who wants to have sex persuades or forces the other person to agree.In fact, women are often overwhelmed by their partners' stalking and agree to their sexual demands:
My husband always complains that we don't have enough sex, so I just let him.This is married life.

—Heterosexual female, 31 years old

Obedience is also the easiest and fastest way to solve problems:

Instead of listening to him complaining and nagging about how much he wants, it's better to satisfy his desire.

—Heterosexual female, 29 years old

He always bugs me, so to make him shut up, I agreed.I have slept with this man one night before.Once, a group of us stayed over at a friend's house after a party.Everyone was a little drunk at the time.He started groping me and I turned him down because I needed to get up early the next day and there were other friends sleeping in the room.But he kept pestering me, saying it wasn't too late, there was still enough time to sleep, and it wouldn't disturb anyone, etc.In the end I agreed, and I thought that if I didn't agree, he would probably grind for another hour. If I agreed to him, then it would take only 10 minutes to make love, and then I could sleep peacefully.

—Straight Plus Other, 19

The second case of sexual conflict is when the person who does not want to have sex successfully refuses the partner's sexual request.They turn a blind eye to their partner's "ambiguous signals", or convince their partner that now is not the time, or simply tell their partner "no" or "later", etc.Whether you can successfully say no will of course depend on how firm you are, or how decisive you are when you say "no".Many women find themselves unable to directly refuse a partner's intense sexual advances:
That was my first time having sex.I have a feeling of being forced, because the love should have sex in due course.But I didn't want to do that, and I didn't know how to refuse, so I had to break up.

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

He was my first love, older than me.We've been together for a while, and I know he wants me to take the initiative in this regard.I also know in my heart that I should take the initiative, but I don't know why I don't want to, and I can't think of any good reason to refuse.At the same time I was afraid of appearing inexperienced or "prude"...it took me 8 years with him (and bad sex!) to figure it out.

—Heterosexual female, 31 years old

A third possibility, and the subject of this chapter, is that the partner who does not want sex recognizes the partner's desire and willingly fulfills it.

What are the motivations and consequences of having unwanted sex?In this chapter, we'll delve into these questions and talk about the causes of libido incompatibility, which is what leads women to have unwanted sex.

libido incongruity

Sexual differences between two people may be because one partner is afraid of pregnancy, or does not like the proposed style of intercourse, or thinks it is too early.In heterosexual couples, it is often the male who expects sex earlier.One study found that compared to college boys, college girls expect more time to spend together before having sex (about twice as much time as boys).

In long-term partnerships, when two people's sexual desires are not coordinated, they often quarrel over whether to do it or not.Couples with perfectly synchronized sexual desires are very rare.One woman interviewed explained it this way:
I am married.In marriage, the sexual needs and habits of husband and wife are different.Often one party is in high spirits and the other is not.Now it's just us having a regular couple life because I know he wants it and I'm not that interested.

—Heterosexual female, 27 years old

Some women lack libido most of the time:

I'm a bit frigid.So sometimes I push myself to have sex even though I never really enjoyed it.

— Bisexual woman, 27

Clinicians may recommend that you find a partner who is "sexually compatible" with you.If both people are willing to have sex every few months, their sexual needs are matched, and tension is unlikely to arise over it.In fact, asexuality -- that is, frigidity -- is only diagnosed when it triggers depressive feelings.If one partner is always more sexually active than the other, then conflicts, compromises, etc. are likely to arise.

When in love, lovers will mistakenly think that two people are a match made in heaven.At this stage, lovers who fall in love and can't extricate themselves don't think about food and drink, they only think about their beloved in their hearts, their desire for each other is extremely strong, and they will be very excited about mingling with each other.The result is that "real" sexuality is overshadowed by an unstoppable desire.After a few weeks or months, it is best for people to enter a calmer "love" period, paying more attention to each other's communication and investment.After all, being in a relationship for months or even years won't help solve many of life's problems, let alone survival.

At the beginning of the relationship, the two were "crazy about sex", and they were a natural match, but after a long time, the two found that they were not "in tune" with each other, which was a blow.By this time, it was too late—the two already had feelings for each other:

I've only been in a relationship with one person (namely my current boyfriend of several years).After the hot period, I sometimes feel "in no mood" to do it, but he does.I feel that I have the responsibility to give him the greatest happiness, so I will try my best to satisfy him even if I don't want to.

—Heterosexual female, 20 years old

In a sense, some people are addicted to the hot period.They expect the freshness and excitement of the early days of love to never fade, which is of course unrealistic.As the spark of love fades, so will their desire for sex.This leads to another kind of dissonance.

man and woman

It is generally believed that women's libido is always lower than men's in heterosexual love.The truth is not so absolute.Many couples seek therapy because the woman has a high sex drive or the woman wants to sleep with other people.However, most men feel that their sexual desire is not satisfied, and most women feel that they lack sexual desire.

The results of many studies have consistently shown that men's sexual desire is indeed stronger than women's, whether they are college students, middle-aged people or old people aged eight or ninety.In addition, whether married or in a relationship, men always feel that they don't have enough sex.A survey of 90 U.S. men and 1410 U.S. women found that 1749 percent of women aged 32 to 18 felt they had lacked sex drive in the past year, compared with 29 percent of men in the same age group. %.Although this figure is higher than the clinical cases of hyposexuality among women in the United States, it points to the fact that sexual desire is the problem women complain about the most.

Why do men have a higher sex drive than women?There are several explanations for this problem.The most common explanation is that men have too much androgen and other hormones.Furthermore, when it comes to sexuality, men and women play different roles.Conventional wisdom holds that men, not women, should take the initiative.Therefore, it is possible that women themselves have desires, but due to the influence of traditional concepts, they are unwilling to express themselves or actively ask for sex.In contrast, the traditional image of men is that of a hungry wolf waiting to pounce on its prey.This may be a sexual motivation for some men.In other words, some men may act sexually aroused on purpose because they think that's what real men should be.

Boys are generally accepted to have sex from puberty, but girls are always warned about the dangerous consequences of sex.This is consistent with the theory of evolution.The most prominent feature of female sexual strategy is selection, that is, choosing superior mates and choosing the best mating time.The anthropologist Donna Simmons believes that hypersexuality can cause women to lose their ability to discriminate, which can lead to inappropriate sex, choosing an inappropriate partner, or breaking up an affair.On the other hand, the strong sexual desire of men is in line with the natural selection of the survival of the fittest in the theory of evolution.This helps the male sow the seeds for the next generation, since a male's reproductive success has historically depended on how many fertile females he has been exposed to.

Additionally, differences in the anatomy of male and female genitalia can lead to differences in libido.The erection of the penis when men are sexually aroused is an obvious physiological signal that prompts them to desire immediate intercourse.This happens even without awareness.For example, nocturnal penile erections often occur during out-of-phase sleep, that is, the sleep period of rapid eye movement. At this time, people's brain waves appear to desynchronize fast waves and enter dreams.Rubbing against clothing and showering can cause an erection—an inadvertent erection.But this inadvertent erection can create desire in a person who would otherwise have no desire.In contrast, women's genitals rarely send out direct and strong signals when they are sexually aroused.Therefore, the signals of sexual arousal do not make women want to have sex as frequently or as strongly as men.

For men, sexual topics, erotic images, or sexual fantasies can cause penile erections.Many studies have found that women have less sexual fantasies than men, but there are also different situations.The frequency of male sexual fantasies is 1 to 5 times a day.The frequency of female sexual fantasies ranges from 3 times per day to less than 1 time per month.Interestingly, when hypersexual men took testosterone-controlling drugs, they reported a decrease in the frequency of their sexual fantasies.It can be deduced from this that too much testosterone may be the reason why men think about sex frequently.Because sexual fantasies and thoughts about sex can stimulate sexual desire, and because women's sexual fantasies are lower than men's, women's sexual desires appear to be less intense than men's.

spoil the fun
Some couples start out with sexual incompatibility, while others are in tune until something bad happens.Please see the real experience of a woman interviewed:

I talked to my ex-boyfriend for three years, and then our sex life became more and more flat because I was not sexually interested.Sometimes, he was very dissatisfied with this, and even affected the relationship between us.I had to pretend to be interested in sex in order to please him.Because I feel that I have not fulfilled my responsibilities as a girlfriend.

—Heterosexual female, 21 years old

There are many factors that can cause frigidity in women. Some are temporary, such as being exhausted from work or childcare, and some are contextual, such as fear of being heard or seen by others and preventing you from concentrating on having sex.There are also long-term factors that jeopardize a relationship, such as hormonal changes, pregnancy, medication, and deteriorating health.There are also some emotional factors, such as not loving each other deeply, getting tired of sex, quarreling, etc.Let's look first at the biological reasons.

Sex hormones are mainly divided into three categories: progesterone, estrogen (mainly estradiol, estriol, estrogen, etc.), androgen (testosterone is the most important androgen).Progesterone plays a very important role in pregnancy because it is responsible for "building" the fertilized egg in the uterus.Scientific research has not found a strong link between progesterone and a woman's libido, but too much progesterone can lead to premenstrual syndrome, a common sex killer.

Estrogen and testosterone are crucial to a woman's sexual interest.In addition to protecting a woman's bones and heart (and possibly helping her to preserve her memory), estrogen is also responsible for lubricating the vagina when a woman is aroused.At the same time, estrogen can also promote female body plumpness.Sexual intercourse and stimulation of erogenous zones such as the nipples and clitoris can be painful without the effects of estrogen.

Testosterone, generally considered the "male hormone," is actually responsible for stimulating women's libido.In women, testosterone is also secreted by the ovaries, like estrogen and progesterone, and a small amount is also secreted by the adrenal glands.According to medical laboratories, the "normal" amount of testosterone produced by women between the ages of 18 and 46 is 1.3 to 6.8 picograms (trillionths of a gram) per milliliter.Apparently, women have very little testosterone, because as men hit puberty, their testes can produce anywhere from 300 to 1000 picograms per milliliter per day.

Around the age of 20, the testosterone in a woman's body begins to slowly decrease.When women enter menopause, that is, when they are around 45 years old or in their 50s, testosterone begins to decrease sharply, and the hormone secreted by the ovaries also decreases sharply.From the age of 20 to 50, the testosterone in a woman's body generally decreases by 50%.If a woman has had a hysterectomy that removes both ovaries, her testosterone production will drop dramatically, no matter how old she is.One woman interviewed said this affects libido:

32 years, like not once (consensual sex).I think this happens only to old couples.The hysterectomy made me lose my libido.Sometimes I have sex solely for my husband.Not having libido was crushing, but afterwards I felt extremely depressed because I was not liberated at all.But again, I feel guilty if I don't have sex because I don't want to disappoint my husband.

—Heterosexual female, 52 years old

There is no doubt that women need a certain amount of testosterone to have a normal libido.Testosterone deficiency can lead to problems such as irregular menstruation and frigidity.If a woman doesn't have enough testosterone, she won't be able to get pleasure from nipple and clitoral stimulation, and the people or objects that used to make her arousal won't work anymore.

So how much testosterone is enough?Unfortunately, no one knows the answer.The relationship between testosterone production and female libido is complex.While the above mentions "normal" levels of testosterone in women, the reality is that it varies from person to person.For example, two 35-year-old women who produce the same amount of testosterone may have a normal libido while the other complains of frigidity.This may be because the latter produced more testosterone during puberty, and now the testosterone in the body has dropped significantly.What is even more troublesome is that many women complain of low libido although their testosterone secretion is normal, and there are also women who have extremely low testosterone secretion but their libido is extraordinarily strong!Sandra Raylam, a sex researcher, sex therapist, and author of several books on women's sex, suggested that if a woman finds that her libido has decreased, she should go to the hospital to test the level of dehydroepiandrosterone (DHEA) in her blood and testosterone levels.If blood levels of both hormones are low, she recommends taking testosterone supplements.

(End of this chapter)