female sexual motivation

Chapter 24 A Woman's Curiosity (3)
For women, there is no necessary causal link between sexual experience and sexual satisfaction.In the short term, women with rich sexual experience are more willing to pursue sexual satisfaction.But for women who have a stable relationship, rich sexual experience is not necessarily a good thing.To give an example, a woman meets her Prince Charming, who is almost impeccable, smart, kind, and loyal, and the two are inseparable, with the same hobbies and life goals, but this "almost perfect husband" In bed it was very poor, and there was no hope of any improvement.So what should we do at this time?Therefore, too much premarital sexual experience is not necessarily a good thing, it is better not to know anything.If you have never drunk French champagne, then you must feel that California sparkling wine is enough to be intoxicating.But, based on the feedback from the women we interviewed, we can be sure that sex is almost non-negotiable.

Whether premarital sexual experience is good or bad for women cannot be generalized, and it has something to do with each person's personality.If a woman chooses to "preserve her body like a jade before marriage", and after marriage, she also has the mentality of marrying a chicken and following the chicken, marrying a dog and following the dog, then there is nothing wrong with it.If she fantasizes about having sex with another man every night and ends up having an affair, she might as well try a few more things before marriage:
When I was 15 years old, I gave my first night to my fiancé. We had been in love for two years at that time. I would like to marry him, but I really wanted to experience the feeling of having sex with other men. I couldn’t help it. There is a relationship.Although the two of us live in peace now, I feel guilty about this every day, but it is inevitable to encounter setbacks of one kind or another in the relationship. For me, this is an opportunity to grow.

—Heterosexual female, 18 years old

If a woman feels she should "shop around," she could be in trouble if she ends up with someone who can't give her the perfect sex she remembers.While vacationing in Greece, remember having crazy sex with Fabio on the beach.Nowadays, the child is waiting to be fed, the housework is piled up, and both of them are exhausted from work. How can it be possible to repeat such hot sex at this time.If you are always obsessed with the good memories of the past, you will definitely be disappointed with the dull sex life now, and even feel that you are asking for perfection.But if you can understand the past rationally, knowing that passionate lovers are just passing by, then the memory of the past will not interfere with the current sex life.

Add some "freshness" to your sex life

Almost every month, Maston's lab receives inquiries from members of the media asking why a new herb or a new food or a new way of having sex can lead to orgasms beyond imagination.The explanation for most of the problems can be attributed to one point, that is, freshness.A routine sex life is boring—always at the same time, always in the same position, always in the same place.You should try some new tricks in your sex life, such as giving the other party oral sex after eating strong mints (people kept calling to ask this question in 2008), to add some color and touch to the dull life, and to ignite the long-lost love again. passion.

Some interviewed women talked about having sex with different people because they wanted to make their sex life more interesting:
I'm not exclusive, I like having sex with different people because everyone is different in bed.

—Heterosexual female, 28 years old

Both my girlfriend and I like SM very much, she has more experience than me.Whenever we hear about a new trick, we try it out, hoping to learn from it and gain experience.

— Bisexual woman, 21

For some women, adding "freshness" to their sex life means adding a third person to their sex life:

In order to find something fresh, my girlfriend and I decided to invite my ex-girlfriend to play a three-person game with us. My ex-girlfriend and I have become friends, and there will be no jealousy between the two of them.

— Pansexual female, 33 years old

We've been together for nine years, and the passion we had at the beginning is gone.So after discussing it with my husband, I decided to open our hearts and accept others into our two-person world.We were hoping to spice up our relationship as a couple by experimenting with polygamy, and we did find the warmth we once had, and now we are polygamous.

——Polygamous female, 30 years old

Sometimes women look to others for sexual fulfillment when their partner cannot satisfy themselves:
I have always had a high libido and I have my own set when it comes to sex.But my husband isn't that passionate about sex, and when we do, he makes quick fixes every time and doesn't care how I feel.Over the past few years I've had many sex partners for different reasons, one was a co-worker, a few were married men, and threesomes (one man and two women).There was also a younger man who worked at my children's middle school.Also, I met one online and we had a longer relationship, but only physical.I have some feelings for these people, but certainly not "love".I'm out looking for guys purely to have fun, enjoy sex, and express myself.This dangerous relationship excites me.

—Heterosexual female, 39 years old

Long ago, researchers studied the sexual behavior of mice.Put a horny female mouse in the male mouse's cage and find that the male mouse will mate with the female mouse with passion. He will continue to climb on the female mouse's back until he is exhausted. He is so tired that he has to rest. , "Come on a cigarette and get some sleep".But if the female mouse is changed, the male mouse will become energetic and repeat the madness just now.In fact, every time a new female was introduced, the male rats would perk up and engage in frenzied mating again.Each female mouse will make it horny until she is dying of exhaustion.Scientists believe that dopamine is released in the brains of male rats when they see new females, and that dopamine activates reward receptors in the brain, making the male rats more aggressive.It's interesting that this phenomenon is called the "Coolidge effect," and it comes from a story about President Calvin Coolidge, which goes like this: While visiting a farm in a small American town, the president and his wife visited separately.The farmer proudly showed Mrs Coolidge a rooster, which he said "could not stop mating with the hen, day after day without getting tired". "Please tell the President this," Mrs. Coolidge said.When the president learned of the behavior of the rooster, he asked if the rooster was with the same hen every time. "Oh, no," said the farmer. "Please tell Mrs. Coolidge the news," the president replied.

Do Humans Have the Coolidge Effect?Is it because of the Coolidge effect that people empathize or fear marriage?As we mentioned in Chapter 3 of this book, humans, like mice, secrete dopamine in the brain during intimate behaviors.Dopamine is the initiator of the "happiness mechanism", which has long been considered to be related to behaviors such as alcoholism and gambling.Scientists believe dopamine is involved in sex addiction.To test the Coolidge effect, researchers required participants to have sex with different people, but most universities would not allow such an indecent experiment.The best the researchers could do was give participants erotic stimuli and record their responses to different erotic stimuli.Participants were both male and female.Researchers showed participants, for example, ten intimate images of couples or ten intimate images of the same couple.The researchers recorded how sexually aroused the participants were each time they saw a pornographic image.Which set of images is more exciting to compare at the end, images of a couple or different couples.The results of the experiment showed that the women responded similarly both physically and psychologically to the two sets of images - even though they were shown intimate images of 21 couples.But men reacted very differently.The group of paintings of different couples is more exciting for men.Scientists call this "habituation," which refers to a person becoming less and less sensitive to stimuli, including sexual stimuli, over and over again.

The experiment showed that men are more likely than women to get bored with the same sexual partner.Note, however, that images were used in the experiments, not real people.So this does not mean that men will decide to have intimacy with other people at will.Human brains are far more complex than rat brains, so when a man decides to spend time with a woman, it's definitely not as simple as a dopamine-fueled urge.

There is no doubt that there are huge individual differences in women's desire for men.Whether a woman can be faithful depends on many factors.If a woman has a strong sexual desire and her partner cannot satisfy her, she is more likely to cheat.If a woman is often seduced by others, she may be tempted to have an affair.If a woman feels lost in the relationship between two people, she may also fall into an extramarital affair.In addition, living conditions are also a factor.For example, a woman who is just beginning to explore the mysteries of sex or who has just ended a 20-year marriage may prefer to enjoy freedom rather than spend time alone.But conversely, a woman who has been through multiple relationships may be more willing to settle down with a loving partner.

Bold and unrestrained

A woman's personality also determines whether she will pursue multiple sexual partners.In a survey involving 52 participants in 16288 countries (North America, South America, Western Europe, Eastern Europe, Southern Europe, Middle East, Africa, Oceania, South Asia, Southeast Asia, East Asia), psychologist David Schmidt found that people with multiple Sex partner women generally have two personality traits: outgoing and impulsive.Extroverts are lively and cheerful, have a wide range of friends, and are good at sociability.Impulsiveness mostly refers to reckless actions without considering the consequences, particularly strong emotions, and weak rational control.The survey found that the more extroverted and impulsive women are, the more they love to pursue novel sex.

Similarly, a survey of 107 married couples by the Bath Evolutionary Psychology Laboratory found that impulsive people were more likely to be unfaithful, but narcissistic people were more likely to empathize, and narcissists were more likely to be self-absorbed , Exaggerated, arrogant, very indifferent or indifferent to the suffering of others.Maston's lab conducted a survey of 18 women between the ages of 47 and 121 and found that perfectionists are more likely to cheat or pursue exciting and new sex.Perfectionists have unrealistic expectations of themselves and others: Perfectionists strive for perfection in everything, and thus are very hard on themselves and others.The survey found that the more women pursue perfection, the more sexual partners they have, and the easier it is to cheat.Perfectionists have exorbitant or unattainable requirements for their sexual partners in bed, and the result is always frustrated and dissatisfied, and they will eventually choose others to meet their sexual needs.

In our paper on human sexual motivation, we showed that more male college students than female college students had sex because of "the opportunity" or wanting to have different experiences.David Schmidt's cross-cultural research also came to similar conclusions.In 52 countries, the researchers asked participants, "How many sexual partners do you think would be ideal in the future...?" The questions ranged in time from a month to a lifetime.It was found that no matter what region they came from, and no matter how the time period changed, men always expected more sexual partners than women.For example, on average, 25% of men expect to have more than one sexual partner in the next month.The highest proportion is in South America, at 1%, and the lowest is in East Asia, at 35%.When asked how many sexual partners they expect to have in the next month, women's responses show huge regional differences.The highest proportion of expecting multiple sexual partners is about 18% among Eastern European women, and the lowest proportion is about 7% among East Asian women.

For the women cited in this chapter who do not value virginity, sex is not an act of necessity but an opportunity to explore sex, have fun, and try new tricks.They emphasize the pleasure of sex—the pleasure in oneself.

The Female Chauvinist Pig, written by American journalist Ariel Levy, sparked widespread discussion.She writes about today's women wearing make-up, taking pole-dancing classes during lunch breaks, and attending cake parties where the audience guesses about the breast sizes of women who dance on stage.Levy said that they are not feminists advocating women's sexual freedom. On the contrary, these women who use themselves or other women as sexual toys prove the freedom society gives women.Levy called for a new wave of feminism, hoping that women would boldly explore the mysteries of sex—the primordial drive.The stories of women shared with you in this chapter represent exactly this new wave of sexual liberation.

(End of this chapter)