female sexual motivation
Chapter 27 Love Trading
Chapter 27 Love Trading (3)
Women also dedicate their lives to men for things other than money, and one woman needs the help of a handyman:
I had a boyfriend who was a handyman and he worked for me for free and I paid him back with my body.Then I came to my senses and felt like I had so little self-esteem, so I fired him and started doing chores myself.Now I am proud of myself, and I can finally stand upright and be a man.
—Heterosexual female, 44 years old
Of course, cold money is the bait:
An ex-boyfriend of mine who was very rich offered me $20 on the condition that I give him oral sex when he learned I was in a tight spot.This is the simplest transaction, he helps me, I help him.We've always had a good relationship, a transactional relationship that went on for several years.Whenever I'm short of money, he'll show up.Now it's a running joke between us.
—Heterosexual female, 24 years old
The above examples illustrate that the line between prostitution and gift giving is not so clear.A scholar once said: "Giving gifts or paying for sex is not equal to prostitution, because gifts or money are also given during courtship or in marriage." The famous biologist Nancy Polly pointed out, "Prostitution and courtship are A continuous process, the vast majority of men need to pay time or material costs in the process of seeking a mate."
Most important, however, is the joy a gift brings to a woman. "Gifts are less important than affection", women generally do not use the actual price to judge the weight of a gift, but instead pay more attention to the affection represented by the gift - to prove that the other party cares about themselves, and hope that the love will last forever, not just a moment of secret love.So the person who gives the gift is more precious than the gift given.There are also some men and women who never give gifts to each other, what they exchange is physical pleasure, such as friends with benefits.
Friends with benefits, courtship calls, hook ups
Traditionally, friendship is an emotion that arises from a two-way (or reciprocal) relationship in which friends trust each other, are loyal to each other, and respect each other.But modern society has added a sexual element to friendship, especially on college campuses and among young urbanites.The study found that about 60 percent of American college students had a friend with benefits, and about 36 percent of college students had a "friend with benefits."In fact, when women want to have fun, they tend to turn to friends (63%) rather than strangers (37%).
Women interviewed in our survey also talked about friends with benefits.A woman once said that when she was separated from her boyfriend when she was in college, she found a friend with benefits, "Life is too short, and four years of college youth should not be wasted." Another woman said:
I like him...but I don't think we can last long and he's not my Prince Charming.But I want to find a sexual partner, I don't want to keep waiting for that Prince Charming, maybe Prince Charming will never show up.
—Heterosexual female, 21 years old
We mentioned earlier that romantic love should have intimacy, passion, and commitment.There can be some intimacy in the relationship between friends with benefits, some passion, but very little commitment.However, the relationship between friends with benefits is different from a one-night stand. Friends with benefits generally respect and like each other, and the relationship is relatively stable and long-term.More women (3%) than men (18%) hope that their friends with benefits will develop into a romantic relationship, but 80% do not have this hope.
It is called "B··ty Call" (B··ty Call), which is lighter than the feelings of the gun friends, and more casual than the sex of the gun friends. Jamie Foxx's 1995 film, "Blame With Condoms."Why is it called a "call for pleasure"?This is because this type of courtship is generally sent through phone calls, emails, text messages, and instant messages. "Happy calls" are usually made to friends who have already had an affair, maybe an ex, or someone who is in love.A survey found that women had 1997 possible reasons for accepting a "love call", with "he just wanted to blow off steam" being the second biggest reason.
But there are exceptions. Some people expect two people to have real feelings:
The relationship between us is "fucking". Two people don't talk about feelings but sex... This is the secret between the two of us... He doesn't want to fall in love with me, he just wants to have sex with me.I knew he was having sex with other women at the same time, but I obeyed him because I hoped that one day he would actually fall in love with me.
—Heterosexual female, 23 years old
So what motivates women to have sex?The main reason seems to be mutual fulfillment of biological needs.Sexual pleasure is the main reason women have sex, and sleeping with a friend is more reassuring and safer.Many women talk about the smooth, straightforward, and unburdened relationship between friends with benefits, but a normal romantic relationship can be described as constant and chaotic. Whether it is strong or light, it is always tangled and melancholy.Some women, especially those who are focused on their studies and careers, find being in a relationship exhausting, time-consuming and energy-consuming.At this time, friends with benefits appear. When you have physical needs, you can ask friends with benefits to solve them. When you are lonely, you can also call friends with benefits to snuggle. It is as happy and sweet as love, but without the heavy burden of love.
The vast majority of women do not believe that a friendship with benefits can completely replace a normal romantic relationship.Some people just ride a donkey to find a horse, which is just a way to relieve boredom during the blank period of love.Some people don't know what kind of love they want, so friends with benefits become a test field.Some people think that friends with benefits are a supplement to a normal sex life.
But not all friends with benefits are so peaceful.According to some women, the disadvantages of a girlfriend with benefits relationship include the following: falling in love with a girlfriend with benefits (65%), breaking up a friendship (35%), feeling depressed (24%), and harming the body, such as contracting an infectious disease.Interestingly most women (73%) never really talk about their ground rules and ultimate expectations for the relationship.Among the women who talked about the basic principles and ultimate expectations, 11% said that the two parties reached an agreement, only talking about sex, not about relationships and life, and only a small number of people (4%) said that they "made three chapters" and got the other party's love. agreed.
So far, only one study has examined the evolution of friendships with benefits. The study involved 65 women and 60 men, all college students.The results of the study found that 36% of the friends with benefits still maintained friendships in the end, but no longer had a sexual relationship, 28% of the friends with benefits continued for a long time, 26% of the friends with benefits stopped contacting at all, and 10% of the friends with benefits developed into found true lovers - they are a happy few people, but the original purpose of sex is not love.
have been trading for so many years
The transactions between lovers are very cryptic and often tacit. The story of an interviewed woman can explain this well:
My boyfriend bought me a sedan a few years ago.I wasn't in the mood for sex, but he was, so whenever he wanted it, I gave it to him... This lasted at least a few weeks.
—Heterosexual female, 22 years old
There's an adage that says, "time equals money," and wasting someone else's time is wasting someone else's life:
I don't particularly like him, he often drives 5 hours to see me; he's a hard drive all the way, which makes me feel guilty that I don't like him as much as I thought, but since he's come all the way, I can't bear to refuse.
—Heterosexual female, 24 years old
In these cases, there is no obvious transaction, and women's motivation for sex is not instinctive sexual desire, but to repay the other party's contribution, whether material or time.
The following woman interviewed used sex in exchange for her partner's support:
People in love sometimes have to do things to please the other party, because when the other party is in a good mood, they usually respond to their requests.For example, if it's time to clean the house, or if the house needs repairs, give him a little treat so he'll be sure to help you.
—Heterosexual female, 25 years old
Some women made this transactional relationship very explicit:
If I wanted something, and there was a possibility of his objection, I had to please him in bed.
—Heterosexual female, 31 years old
Sex is the weight of my bargaining with him.
—Heterosexual female, 27 years old
Sometimes I try to please him in bed, just to make him listen to me and let me decide small things like where to eat.
—Heterosexual female, 25 years old
In a hunter-gatherer society, women like men who are good at hunting. For food, women are willing to become wives or mistresses.For example, the Sirionos of Bolivia:
Food is the best bait to attract a lover, and men often use prey to attract potential wives.The reason for the failure of sex hunting is often not because the woman is unwilling to accept the man's prey, but often because the man's wife refuses to share her own food with others, and of course she is most unwilling to share her own food with other women.
It is the custom of the Sirionos that the lover should always offer meat to the mistress, otherwise the mistress will refuse to sleep with him.However, the man’s prey is in charge of the wife. Once the wife discovers that the husband’s prey is missing arms and legs, she may suspect that the husband is raising a woman outside. The wife’s reaction can be imagined, jealous, angry, and do everything possible to keep her husband.In this endless erotic battle, the male finds a way to hide from his wife by going to his mistress after hunting and then returning home.
Among the Sirionos, good hunters always attract women, but poor hunters are spurned by women.There is a very typical example.It is said that a man was not good at hunting, he was looked down upon by others, and even suffered from "hunting anxiety", and his wife ran away with other men.Anthropologist Holmberg sympathized with him, gave him meat, and taught him to hunt with a shotgun.Before long, the man gained a high social prestige, not only had a wife, but also found several lovers.He regained his confidence and was no longer the coward who was bullied.
This kind of sex trafficking is common in traditional societies.For example, among the Hadza people living in Tanzania, if a man "is not able to hunt large game, then he may not find a wife or it is difficult to keep a wife."Similar situations exist among the Meheraku in Brazil, the Saranawa in eastern Peru, and the Yanomano in Venezuela.Men also know what women like very well, so they often use prey to attract women, and even seduce other people's wives.A Yanomano man once told the anthropologist Raymond Hymes about one of his rivals: "He was not a man at all (because he could hardly hunt). Sooner or later she would leave him and come to With me, because he can't hunt and I can hunt." From an evolutionary standpoint, it's a win-win deal.
Such overt sex trafficking is less common, or more veiled, in modern Western society.However, sex economics continues into marriage and affects women's sexual motivations in marriage. The sex transaction between husband and wife may not involve money, but a different way.One woman who came to counseling remarked that she had been sexually apathetic, but she would meet her husband's needs in return for mowing the lawn and taking out the trash—two chores she couldn't stand!
A husband's ability to generate wealth can affect his wife's sexual interest.A woman interviewed said that her husband's work performance is a barometer of the couple's sex life:
My husband got a promotion and a bigger paycheck, which indicated that our sex life was about to enter a new phase.This is a kind of reward for him, but he is indeed sexier after making a lot of money.It's not just because of the money, it's because of his success, in the eyes of everyone, he is a successful person.
—Heterosexual female, 48 years old
The love of wealth will also make women throw themselves into the arms of others.There are many reasons for a woman to cheat, such as her husband's infidelity, her husband's frigidity, her husband's verbal or physical abuse, etc. However, according to the research of the Bath Laboratory, a major reason for a woman's cheating is that her husband is unemployed.In this case, if a woman cheats, her purpose is generally to find an alternative spouse, to find a man who can support the family to rely on.
There is another form of sex trafficking in marriage - women's refusal to have sex.Compared with economically independent women, housewives without financial income are less likely to refuse to have sex with their husbands.Economically independent women put more emphasis on themselves in their sex life, they will take the initiative when they need it, and never force themselves when they don't need it.
Sex trafficking exists in every culture in different forms and guises.In the mate market, the value of women is rising, which is all due to men's sexual psychology-like different women, strong sexual desire, easy to be passionate, immersed in endless sexual fantasies, easily influenced by visual stimuli wait.As the sweet pastry that men compete with each other, women have the right to exchange their bodies for various benefits, including food, gifts, special treatment, grades, promotions, film and television roles, etc.Among all kinds of transactions, we cannot clearly distinguish which is serious courtship, which is seduction, and which is prostitution.However, women's attitudes towards prostitutes and suitors are completely different. Prostitutes value money, while women who are courted value gifts.
(End of this chapter)
Women also dedicate their lives to men for things other than money, and one woman needs the help of a handyman:
I had a boyfriend who was a handyman and he worked for me for free and I paid him back with my body.Then I came to my senses and felt like I had so little self-esteem, so I fired him and started doing chores myself.Now I am proud of myself, and I can finally stand upright and be a man.
—Heterosexual female, 44 years old
Of course, cold money is the bait:
An ex-boyfriend of mine who was very rich offered me $20 on the condition that I give him oral sex when he learned I was in a tight spot.This is the simplest transaction, he helps me, I help him.We've always had a good relationship, a transactional relationship that went on for several years.Whenever I'm short of money, he'll show up.Now it's a running joke between us.
—Heterosexual female, 24 years old
The above examples illustrate that the line between prostitution and gift giving is not so clear.A scholar once said: "Giving gifts or paying for sex is not equal to prostitution, because gifts or money are also given during courtship or in marriage." The famous biologist Nancy Polly pointed out, "Prostitution and courtship are A continuous process, the vast majority of men need to pay time or material costs in the process of seeking a mate."
Most important, however, is the joy a gift brings to a woman. "Gifts are less important than affection", women generally do not use the actual price to judge the weight of a gift, but instead pay more attention to the affection represented by the gift - to prove that the other party cares about themselves, and hope that the love will last forever, not just a moment of secret love.So the person who gives the gift is more precious than the gift given.There are also some men and women who never give gifts to each other, what they exchange is physical pleasure, such as friends with benefits.
Friends with benefits, courtship calls, hook ups
Traditionally, friendship is an emotion that arises from a two-way (or reciprocal) relationship in which friends trust each other, are loyal to each other, and respect each other.But modern society has added a sexual element to friendship, especially on college campuses and among young urbanites.The study found that about 60 percent of American college students had a friend with benefits, and about 36 percent of college students had a "friend with benefits."In fact, when women want to have fun, they tend to turn to friends (63%) rather than strangers (37%).
Women interviewed in our survey also talked about friends with benefits.A woman once said that when she was separated from her boyfriend when she was in college, she found a friend with benefits, "Life is too short, and four years of college youth should not be wasted." Another woman said:
I like him...but I don't think we can last long and he's not my Prince Charming.But I want to find a sexual partner, I don't want to keep waiting for that Prince Charming, maybe Prince Charming will never show up.
—Heterosexual female, 21 years old
We mentioned earlier that romantic love should have intimacy, passion, and commitment.There can be some intimacy in the relationship between friends with benefits, some passion, but very little commitment.However, the relationship between friends with benefits is different from a one-night stand. Friends with benefits generally respect and like each other, and the relationship is relatively stable and long-term.More women (3%) than men (18%) hope that their friends with benefits will develop into a romantic relationship, but 80% do not have this hope.
It is called "B··ty Call" (B··ty Call), which is lighter than the feelings of the gun friends, and more casual than the sex of the gun friends. Jamie Foxx's 1995 film, "Blame With Condoms."Why is it called a "call for pleasure"?This is because this type of courtship is generally sent through phone calls, emails, text messages, and instant messages. "Happy calls" are usually made to friends who have already had an affair, maybe an ex, or someone who is in love.A survey found that women had 1997 possible reasons for accepting a "love call", with "he just wanted to blow off steam" being the second biggest reason.
But there are exceptions. Some people expect two people to have real feelings:
The relationship between us is "fucking". Two people don't talk about feelings but sex... This is the secret between the two of us... He doesn't want to fall in love with me, he just wants to have sex with me.I knew he was having sex with other women at the same time, but I obeyed him because I hoped that one day he would actually fall in love with me.
—Heterosexual female, 23 years old
So what motivates women to have sex?The main reason seems to be mutual fulfillment of biological needs.Sexual pleasure is the main reason women have sex, and sleeping with a friend is more reassuring and safer.Many women talk about the smooth, straightforward, and unburdened relationship between friends with benefits, but a normal romantic relationship can be described as constant and chaotic. Whether it is strong or light, it is always tangled and melancholy.Some women, especially those who are focused on their studies and careers, find being in a relationship exhausting, time-consuming and energy-consuming.At this time, friends with benefits appear. When you have physical needs, you can ask friends with benefits to solve them. When you are lonely, you can also call friends with benefits to snuggle. It is as happy and sweet as love, but without the heavy burden of love.
The vast majority of women do not believe that a friendship with benefits can completely replace a normal romantic relationship.Some people just ride a donkey to find a horse, which is just a way to relieve boredom during the blank period of love.Some people don't know what kind of love they want, so friends with benefits become a test field.Some people think that friends with benefits are a supplement to a normal sex life.
But not all friends with benefits are so peaceful.According to some women, the disadvantages of a girlfriend with benefits relationship include the following: falling in love with a girlfriend with benefits (65%), breaking up a friendship (35%), feeling depressed (24%), and harming the body, such as contracting an infectious disease.Interestingly most women (73%) never really talk about their ground rules and ultimate expectations for the relationship.Among the women who talked about the basic principles and ultimate expectations, 11% said that the two parties reached an agreement, only talking about sex, not about relationships and life, and only a small number of people (4%) said that they "made three chapters" and got the other party's love. agreed.
So far, only one study has examined the evolution of friendships with benefits. The study involved 65 women and 60 men, all college students.The results of the study found that 36% of the friends with benefits still maintained friendships in the end, but no longer had a sexual relationship, 28% of the friends with benefits continued for a long time, 26% of the friends with benefits stopped contacting at all, and 10% of the friends with benefits developed into found true lovers - they are a happy few people, but the original purpose of sex is not love.
have been trading for so many years
The transactions between lovers are very cryptic and often tacit. The story of an interviewed woman can explain this well:
My boyfriend bought me a sedan a few years ago.I wasn't in the mood for sex, but he was, so whenever he wanted it, I gave it to him... This lasted at least a few weeks.
—Heterosexual female, 22 years old
There's an adage that says, "time equals money," and wasting someone else's time is wasting someone else's life:
I don't particularly like him, he often drives 5 hours to see me; he's a hard drive all the way, which makes me feel guilty that I don't like him as much as I thought, but since he's come all the way, I can't bear to refuse.
—Heterosexual female, 24 years old
In these cases, there is no obvious transaction, and women's motivation for sex is not instinctive sexual desire, but to repay the other party's contribution, whether material or time.
The following woman interviewed used sex in exchange for her partner's support:
People in love sometimes have to do things to please the other party, because when the other party is in a good mood, they usually respond to their requests.For example, if it's time to clean the house, or if the house needs repairs, give him a little treat so he'll be sure to help you.
—Heterosexual female, 25 years old
Some women made this transactional relationship very explicit:
If I wanted something, and there was a possibility of his objection, I had to please him in bed.
—Heterosexual female, 31 years old
Sex is the weight of my bargaining with him.
—Heterosexual female, 27 years old
Sometimes I try to please him in bed, just to make him listen to me and let me decide small things like where to eat.
—Heterosexual female, 25 years old
In a hunter-gatherer society, women like men who are good at hunting. For food, women are willing to become wives or mistresses.For example, the Sirionos of Bolivia:
Food is the best bait to attract a lover, and men often use prey to attract potential wives.The reason for the failure of sex hunting is often not because the woman is unwilling to accept the man's prey, but often because the man's wife refuses to share her own food with others, and of course she is most unwilling to share her own food with other women.
It is the custom of the Sirionos that the lover should always offer meat to the mistress, otherwise the mistress will refuse to sleep with him.However, the man’s prey is in charge of the wife. Once the wife discovers that the husband’s prey is missing arms and legs, she may suspect that the husband is raising a woman outside. The wife’s reaction can be imagined, jealous, angry, and do everything possible to keep her husband.In this endless erotic battle, the male finds a way to hide from his wife by going to his mistress after hunting and then returning home.
Among the Sirionos, good hunters always attract women, but poor hunters are spurned by women.There is a very typical example.It is said that a man was not good at hunting, he was looked down upon by others, and even suffered from "hunting anxiety", and his wife ran away with other men.Anthropologist Holmberg sympathized with him, gave him meat, and taught him to hunt with a shotgun.Before long, the man gained a high social prestige, not only had a wife, but also found several lovers.He regained his confidence and was no longer the coward who was bullied.
This kind of sex trafficking is common in traditional societies.For example, among the Hadza people living in Tanzania, if a man "is not able to hunt large game, then he may not find a wife or it is difficult to keep a wife."Similar situations exist among the Meheraku in Brazil, the Saranawa in eastern Peru, and the Yanomano in Venezuela.Men also know what women like very well, so they often use prey to attract women, and even seduce other people's wives.A Yanomano man once told the anthropologist Raymond Hymes about one of his rivals: "He was not a man at all (because he could hardly hunt). Sooner or later she would leave him and come to With me, because he can't hunt and I can hunt." From an evolutionary standpoint, it's a win-win deal.
Such overt sex trafficking is less common, or more veiled, in modern Western society.However, sex economics continues into marriage and affects women's sexual motivations in marriage. The sex transaction between husband and wife may not involve money, but a different way.One woman who came to counseling remarked that she had been sexually apathetic, but she would meet her husband's needs in return for mowing the lawn and taking out the trash—two chores she couldn't stand!
A husband's ability to generate wealth can affect his wife's sexual interest.A woman interviewed said that her husband's work performance is a barometer of the couple's sex life:
My husband got a promotion and a bigger paycheck, which indicated that our sex life was about to enter a new phase.This is a kind of reward for him, but he is indeed sexier after making a lot of money.It's not just because of the money, it's because of his success, in the eyes of everyone, he is a successful person.
—Heterosexual female, 48 years old
The love of wealth will also make women throw themselves into the arms of others.There are many reasons for a woman to cheat, such as her husband's infidelity, her husband's frigidity, her husband's verbal or physical abuse, etc. However, according to the research of the Bath Laboratory, a major reason for a woman's cheating is that her husband is unemployed.In this case, if a woman cheats, her purpose is generally to find an alternative spouse, to find a man who can support the family to rely on.
There is another form of sex trafficking in marriage - women's refusal to have sex.Compared with economically independent women, housewives without financial income are less likely to refuse to have sex with their husbands.Economically independent women put more emphasis on themselves in their sex life, they will take the initiative when they need it, and never force themselves when they don't need it.
Sex trafficking exists in every culture in different forms and guises.In the mate market, the value of women is rising, which is all due to men's sexual psychology-like different women, strong sexual desire, easy to be passionate, immersed in endless sexual fantasies, easily influenced by visual stimuli wait.As the sweet pastry that men compete with each other, women have the right to exchange their bodies for various benefits, including food, gifts, special treatment, grades, promotions, film and television roles, etc.Among all kinds of transactions, we cannot clearly distinguish which is serious courtship, which is seduction, and which is prostitution.However, women's attitudes towards prostitutes and suitors are completely different. Prostitutes value money, while women who are courted value gifts.
(End of this chapter)
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