female sexual motivation

Chapter 28 Self-expansion (1)
Body, Love, Power, Obedience

Sex and creativity are often seen as subversive by dictators, because sex and creation tell us that we have sovereignty over our bodies (and voices), and that is the most revolutionary idea.

— Erica Wing (b. 1942)

"Self-esteem" is a psychological term that refers to self-affirmation and self-approval.People with self-esteem affirm their own value, affirm their own advantages, do not bow to others, do not allow others to discriminate, feel proud, have a sense of accomplishment, and respect themselves.Self-esteem starts from shame. People with self-esteem and self-love have strong action ability, such as being able to complete work tasks under certain pressure; people with self-esteem and self-love have mature psychology, such as being able to face failure bravely; Active contraception, self-examination of breasts, timely adjustment of anxiety and depression.

Women's self-esteem and women's sexual desire, sexual experience, and sexual charm complement each other.Confident women are sexy.Sweet love enhances a woman's self-confidence.There is a strong link between sex and self-esteem.For example, studies have found that men's self-esteem takes a hit when they temporarily have difficulty getting an erection.This can be explained from the perspective of evolution: since ancient times, it has been difficult for men who lack sexual ability to reproduce successfully.On the contrary, there is nothing a man can be more proud of than having a beautiful woman.In women, too, love and self-esteem are inextricably linked.However, this instinctive connection has been distorted in modern society.

The standard of beauty varies from place to place, for example, some places like plump women, some places like slender women, but in general, beauty has no borders, and the standards of beautiful women include fair skin, plump lips, large and clear eyes, and beautiful curves , graceful gait, well-proportioned body, thin waist and fat hips, all of which represent strong fertility.The study found that, unlike men, a woman's figure, including her waist, hips, and thighs, affects her overall sexual attractiveness.Perhaps because a woman's figure represents fertility or not, men have evolved to be more inclined to choose women with beautiful figures. Unfortunately, men seem to overemphasize or value women's appearance.In a way, women are often treated as sex objects in the same way men are treated as cash cows.

Sex can have a positive psychological effect, that is, to enhance self-confidence.One woman interviewed talked about having a perfect sex that turned her on for days:

I felt alone and lonely, so I had sex with a close friend.He is very kind, takes care of me in every possible way, and is always responsive, and it makes me feel better to have him with me for a night.It was a wonderful night.In the days that followed, I felt radiant, more confident, and more feminine.

—Heterosexual female, 39 years old

Women sometimes have sex to save their self-esteem:
I've been in relationships with 6 guys so far, but with 5 of them it's all because I want my ego back, I feel like they're out of reach, so I want them.I generally don't attract handsome, employed, intellectually normal people, only old, ugly, and neurotic people like me.

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

Sex can trigger all the good emotions in women-feeling high under the action of oxytocin; affirming one's own value as a human being; having the courage to strive for a better partner;

Women are the ones who please themselves
When I'm not very confident, like when I think I'm too fat and unattractive, if someone thinks I'm beautiful and "needs" me, then I will definitely be very happy.

—Heterosexual female, 23 years old

It may be due to the influence of secular views that women are very concerned about their body, and the degree of satisfaction with their body directly determines whether they have self-confidence:
I finally lost weight and I felt so light and sexy.I met my best male friend and he was stunned by me, so I acted more aggressive, enthusiastic, and proactive than usual and let him know that the next stop at the bar was going to be my apartment.

—Heterosexual female, 22 years old

However, women's views on their own body are often subjective and lack objective understanding.While their level of satisfaction with their body will be influenced to some extent by actual circumstances—such as weight and shape—it is largely influenced by personal opinions and preferences.In North America, 55% of married and single women are dissatisfied with their body. The main reason is that they pursue a graceful body too much or have too high demands on themselves. It does not mean that their body is really not good. good.

Women of almost all ages care about their bodies.The researchers conducted a nationwide survey of 15 women aged 74 to 3, and found that 55% of women expressed dissatisfaction with their bodies.Girls are mainly because they read too many beauty magazines, and they always compare themselves with models. Women over 55 worry about their bodies mainly because of health concerns, not because they want to compete with the "America's Next Top Model" winner.How women view their bodies is also influenced by culture, and in Western countries where the media is overwhelming, women's dissatisfaction is higher.The study found that even within the United States, women of different cultural backgrounds have different levels of satisfaction with their bodies: black women are the most satisfied with their bodies compared with women of other ethnicities or races.

Unsurprisingly, women dissatisfied with their bodies will try various diet products—an industry worth $500 billion in North America alone.Some women develop anorexia nervosa and bulimia as a result of dieting to lose weight.In addition, women's satisfaction with their body affects women's sexual desire.Women who dissatisfy with their bodies are less likely to find a sexual partner, possibly because they have low self-esteem and are ashamed to undress in front of others, a survey of college students in the United States has found.As a result, they are not actively pursuing but avoiding romantic opportunities.Even with a boyfriend, those female college students who are dissatisfied with their bodies are reluctant to have sex often or explore the mysteries of sex.

Of course, there are bound to be exceptions.Some women engage in sex precisely out of low self-esteem, hoping it will make them feel more confident.Consider the stories of two interviewed women:

To be honest, I long for love, even for a second.There were times when I had sex just to get attention, and I didn't think I was pretty or sexy.I think if the guy wants to have sex with me, it's evidence that he finds me sexy or attractive in at least some way.But afterwards, I felt empty.I've found that casual sex with men doesn't bring me joy.

—Heterosexual female, 23 years old

I've never been skinny, but not too fat either.I had a hard time believing that any man would want to have sex with me, apparently it wasn't what I thought it would be because I've had men who were considered "nice" by others.I broke up with my long time boyfriend (we both got married) but I quickly found a very handsome guy who treated me badly but I would sleep with him because with such a chic It makes me very proud to have successful men in bed.

—Heterosexual female, 32 years old

say goodbye to barbie
Women who lack self-confidence about their body not only have low libido but also a blunted sexual response.They are frigid, difficult to arouse, and difficult to reach orgasm.The Maston Sexual Psychophysiology Laboratory conducted an experiment. 85 female college students came to the laboratory to fill out two questionnaires about their sex life and body shape. The body shape questionnaire asked them about their weight and their satisfaction with their body shape degree.Then, alone in their room, they read pornographic stories and wrote about how "excited" they were.Women who are more satisfied with their body are more "excited" than women who are dissatisfied with their body.In real life, women who are dissatisfied with their bodies have lower libido.

As women's satisfaction with their body changes, their libido and sexual responsiveness change.Dr. Patricia Barcelo Koch of the University of Pennsylvania and colleagues conducted a 300-year follow-up survey on the sex life of 10 middle-aged women.It was found that about 57% of women reported a decrease in libido, 58% of women said that their sex life was not as frequent as before, 40% of women felt that their sex life was not as attractive as before, and 32% of women said it was difficult to achieve orgasm.Why do so many women lose their libido after a decade?guess what?Body shape is the culprit.The more women think they are not as sexy as they were ten years ago, the less sexually interesting they are.And vice versa, the more women think they are sexier than they were ten years ago, the more sexually active they are and the more sexually active they are.

If a woman pays too much attention to her body or what her partner thinks of her body, she will not be able to concentrate during sex, so she will not be able to fully arouse and ultimately reach orgasm.Therefore, effective ways to treat frigidity include teaching women to pay attention to their own sexual experience and teaching women to look at their bodies objectively and correctly. Thirty-two overweight women who participated in a 32-week weight-loss program ended up losing a lot of weight and felt their bodies were sexier, while their libido increased and their sex lives became more active .When asked why the quality of their sex life improved after losing weight, 31/3 of the women answered that it was because their figure became sexier.

Much has been said about the negative impact of the media on the female psyche.People may be familiar with stars with devilish bodies, but who knows about the women who recently won the Pulitzer Prize for Literature? (Geraldine Brooks won the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction in 2006.) So let's look at the typical images women often compare themselves to.The first is the runway models, who are generally over 5 feet 10 inches tall and weigh an average of 120 to 124 pounds.It's the coveted figure of many young (or not-so-young) women.But the harsh reality is that only 5% of women have the potential to become a model - no matter what diet, exercise, cosmetic surgery or even an eating disorder will not help.Then there are movie stars with pixie-like bodies, curvaceous enough to cause a stir wherever they go, appearing on the covers of fashion magazines and, as one feminist website puts it, “incredibly beautiful.”In fact, this unbelievable beauty is mainly due to the computer photo software. After being processed by technicians, the stars become flawless, with oval faces, slender waists, and plump breasts.In the entertainment industry, plump buttocks and bare collarbones are so admired that Meitu software is needed to adjust the lines of hips and collarbones.

Even Barbie has become the object of female pursuit.In fact, the researchers say that if Barbie were human-sized, she would be 5'9" tall, with a 39-18-33 measurement and weigh no more than 110 pounds, meaning she would have too little body fat to Maybe menstruation.So here I have to remind Barbie Prince Ken (Barbie's boyfriend), that a fair lady like Barbie cannot have children.I hope that Bratz can subvert this traditional doll image.

social dignity
Building healthy self-esteem requires self-affirmation, self-identity, and affirmation of one's social worth.However, some people do not pay attention to their own intrinsic character. Instead, they pay attention to the social evaluation and social recognition of personal character, talent and other values ​​by others, groups and society.Social dignity requires a value "identity" as a basis, that is, it needs to be compared with others.People compare their figure with the stars on the billboards, their income with others, their living environment with others (whose house is better decorated with their neighbors), their social circle with others, and so on.Individual self-worth and social value can only be formed through dialogue with "meaningful others".

As anyone who has been to middle school knows, contrasting and comparing like this is not an adult boredom thing to do.Your "popularity" needs to be supported by friends, and school is no exception.For many young people, self-esteem depends on how many friends you have and your status among them. Sociologist Rosalind Weissman has a good understanding of this social clique phenomenon in her book "The Queen Bee and the Follower". Detailed description.As Weisman said, "As long as you have a good relationship, even if you have a bad style, you are not afraid of being called a slut."Many of the women interviewed spoke of having had sex with others in order to make friends:
I had a friend in middle school who was very strong and very rebellious.She made me feel like I couldn't be a good girl anymore if I wanted to "hang out" with her.Before becoming friends with her, I was very innocent and knew nothing about sex. In order to prove my sincerity, I started promiscuous sex like her, being a third party and not rejecting anyone who came.In order to gain her respect, I can sleep with anyone else, because my family was poor in middle school and I had few friends.I hated everything I did back then.After breaking up with her, it took me 5 years to stop feeling dirty.

—Heterosexual female, 22 years old

Some women make love to make others like themselves:
At that time, I was still young, and I wanted to become a "living treasure" that everyone loved. I felt that I was a big shot, and that my classmates would surround me.In retrospect, in order to increase my popularity, I did use many people at that time.But the truth is, I didn't make it...it was frustrating...at the time I just wanted to be like other girls...at least be what they were in my mind.

—Heterosexual female, 41 years old

Some people have sex to fit into a social group:
I feel like I don't fit into their social circle because I'm a virgin.Back then I couldn't "get" sexually active friends, so I was always excluded by them.To be able to fit into their social circle, I had sex with an older man.The people in their circle are all older and have a high level of education.

—Heterosexual female, 26 years old

We know that women like men who are successful, who have wealth, a decent life, and all kinds of advantages.From the perspective of evolution, successful men can pass on excellent genes to the next generation.But there are women who throw their arms around the diamond kingpin for another reason entirely: they don't want to fall in love with them, have children with them, or even rub their hands, they just want to show up in front of their friends. In the limelight:
He's not a superstar, but he's in a band that's relatively well-known locally, and they work with a big production company.It's fun to be with him, he treats me very well, everyone around me knows the relationship between me and him, because I live in a dormitory, and when we are together, he will go to the dormitory to find me.I do it just to make other girls jealous...I think I'm cool.

—Heterosexual female, 22 years old

Some women hook up with celebrities to boost their self-worth.They are not there to intimidate their friends, or to improve their social status, but to enhance their self-worth.However, sometimes this wish does not come true:
He was a celebrity in our college, and all the girls who dated him thought they were radiant, I think so.One night I drank a lot at a nightclub (drinks were free for the ladies that night!) and I walked up to him and started flirting with him.Then everything fell into place and we had a night of partying at his place.I am willing, because under the influence of alcohol, I put aside my usual inferiority complex and bravely ran towards the unforgettable Spring Festival. Had a splitting headache for two days!This is the dumbest thing I've ever done.

—Heterosexual female, 32 years old

(End of this chapter)