female sexual motivation

Chapter 29 Self-expansion (2)
But there are also unintentional situations: When I first met my husband, I felt that I was "not good enough" for him... I was very shy and stupid since I was a child, and I only played with those "passers-by" .Suddenly there was a very decent American boy in my life - tall and strong with a big smile - who would never remember me if it was a classmate.After having dinner, we went to my place, he brought the bag in, I told him casually, you can sleep on the sofa or my bed, he chose my bed, I accepted him ... Half a year later, we had our wedding.Sometimes I would just stare at him and think, "My God, he's my husband!"

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

lack of love
Some people are lively and carefree, but psychological research has found that childhood experiences affect an individual's psychological quality and personality, and children need the care and support of their parents during their growth.For example, a survey of 16749 teens found that children who received nurturing parental care were more confident.It is very important for children to feel the love of their parents--parents take care of their children, be vigilant about their safety, and lend a helping hand when children encounter difficulties.Perhaps it is with the protection of parents that children dare to explore and take risks, and finally develop a sound personality.Women who lack parental care from an early age tend to have low self-esteem. In order to get the attention or warmth that their parents never gave them, they do not hesitate to use their bodies as the price.

Many of the women interviewed talked about falling in love to "make up" for the lack of love in childhood.In this case, they often use their bodies to please each other in order to gain their care and love.Some women talked about the love they felt in sex that was lacking in their early families:

I grew up in a violent, poor family.As a teenager, I believed in the bonding of the body and the bonding of the soul, plus I liked the feeling of attention.But one time I lay there, staring at the sky, waiting for it to be over.I want myself to like it all, to force a smile on my face.Actually I just want a little love.I feel dirty, but can't stop, always holding out a glimmer of hope.

—Heterosexual female, 28 years old

For some people, sex can only fill a momentary void:

I grew up in a violent family, and I always thought I was so bad that I was beaten and scolded.I had the attention in bed that I had never felt before, no future, but at least for a moment I felt loved, wanted, and cared for.

—Heterosexual female, 25 years old

As a teenager, I had a lot of low self-esteem.My parents almost never bothered me.I made the mistake of thinking that the person I slept with must care about me.At first I enjoyed the attention the other person gave me, but in the end I realized that it wasn't true, that being in bed was nothing, that being in bed and being cared for were two different things.

— Bisexual female, 24 years old

One woman interviewed described how her experience of abuse had numbed her and made her seek excitement during sex:

At that time, my mind was confused, I felt that life was playing with me, doctors were bullying me, and everyone was using me.For a while, I didn't know how to take care of myself, and I didn't know how to take care of my body. I thought to myself, "What the hell, it's just a stinky skin." So I dare to tease anyone, fuck around, and be wild, thinking it's just a body ,it's not a big deal.That's what I was thinking when I lost my virginity: "What the hell, this is my chance." The whole thing lasted about 45 minutes, and he fell asleep, and I got up and sat there, dressed, thinking what do I do now?Then I went to have lunch with my friends.I just want to find excitement, to practice myself, to feel something.

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

Learn to let go
Some people judge their self-worth based on external factors, such as wealth and social status.Others judge their self-worth through love.Because not all love can last forever, so with the gain and loss of love, there will be violent psychological fluctuations.If a woman thinks that a man's love is all she has, then the man's departure will push her to the brink of collapse and deprive her of all the meaning of life.Although some people are not so extreme, losing love is a sad thing after all.

After love is frustrated, everyone will go through a period of sadness and pain. During this period, some people seek friends to heal their wounds, some people drink to soothe their sorrows, some people are obsessed with chocolate, and some people indulge themselves.One woman interviewed wrote: "The best way to forget someone is to meet someone!" More than one interviewed woman talked about how she used other men to forget the pain of losing a relationship.Everyone has their own story.

Some women regain their confidence in other men:

Whenever someone I love hurts me, I go to another man.This allows me to forget the pain and learn to let go.It makes me feel better, especially when someone I love dumps me for another woman.In the arms of other men, I still feel attractive, I am not the reason he left.

—Heterosexual female, 19 years old

I just got out of a bad relationship.I was extremely depressed, suffering from a typical lovelorn disorder, feeling that I was unloved, that it was impossible for others to like me, and it was impossible for me to like others again.When I first met him, I didn't like him very much, or even find him attractive.However, he expressed interest in me, so we often hang out together.Later, it developed to the point of skin-to-skin relationship.I have never been able to really like him, but I enjoy the feeling of being loved.

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

For some women, this distraction doesn't last long:

On my birthday, my ex-boyfriend left me mercilessly and he went for a woman his family would accept.I was abandoned, felt no one wanted me, felt like I wasn't good enough, no one liked me.For several months, I was immersed in the pain of losing my relationship.Slowly I became less sad, but I couldn't shake the shadow of being abandoned.During the summer vacation, I happened to meet a childhood friend who had pursued me for 10 years.Maybe it was because of loneliness, maybe it was because of drinking, anyway, I believed that being with him would help me heal the wound in my heart.He poured out all the love accumulated in the past 10 years, surrounded me with passionate love, and my self-confidence increased greatly.But in the end, the feeling of being alone is replaced by guilt and shame.I was looking for the feeling of being loved, and ended up hating myself.

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

Sometimes things backfire:

I've had revenge sex a few times after a relationship breakup.I thought it would forget that person, or at least erase the imprint that person left on me.I was wrong, but I just slept with another man, and I still miss him as before.

—Heterosexual female, 23 years old

Some women heal wounds or regain trampled self-esteem in sex, but some women are looking for a sense of power.

exercise sexual power

Sex gives women a strong sense of sexual power, and the initiative and dominance brought about by sexual power have become women's sexual motivation.One woman interviewed pointed this out:
Women have a sense of initiative and dominance over their sexual partners, even over their long-term partners.In many ways, sex is power. You have the power to give your partner pleasure, and you have the power to take it away. You have the power to feel beautiful.I think it's common to have sex in order to exercise sexual power.

—Heterosexual female, 22 years old

Power is not an end in itself, rather, it is the way women control and influence their sexual partners.Sometimes this controlling situation occurs between couples:
It is easy for women to control men through sex.There can be fairness between two people, and you can also be strong.My boyfriend is very controlling but in sex we are fair and sometimes I even order him to do things.

—Heterosexual female, 19 years old

Sometimes women gain a sense of superiority by eliminating potential rivals while controlling their sexual partners:

At that time, my husband and I had just broken up because of his cheating. Out of revenge, I played a three-person game, one man and two women.My husband never found out and I don't want him to know.I do this to prove that I am not unloved, not unloved.I feel excited, I have the thrill of breaking taboos.The woman and I had no interaction during the entire process, both of us were focused on the man.I finally managed to get the man to make love to me instead of her, and at that point I gained an inexplicable sense of superiority.

—Heterosexual female, 29 years old

(End of this chapter)