female sexual motivation

Chapter 30 Self-expansion (3)
Defeating a rival can lead to a sense of superiority, as can successfully attracting a powerful man:
He is the Prince Charming in the hearts of all women, as long as he walks in the door, he can make the whole room look up at him.When he looks at you, you instantly feel like the most important person in the world.I've known him since childhood, but not very well.But one day he looked at me so fixedly that I was completely mesmerized.He was the best of our peers, and he liked a wallflower like me, and I suddenly felt so much stronger and as important as him.

—Heterosexual female, 24 years old

The sense of power is not only about dominating others, some women like the feeling of controlling men:

For a while I suffered from bulimia, and I also had a severe desire to control.So I like the feeling of being the master of a man in sex.

—Heterosexual female, 23 years old

The love of youth can bring people back to life, give the dying people eternal hope, and make the living get spiritual sublimation.

—Heterosexual female, 58 years old

I've had sex with a couple of boys out of compassion, they were all virgins, I pity them for never touching a woman's body, so I give them.I felt great at the time, I felt like I was riding them, and they were the underdogs who obeyed.Being their sex coach has given me a huge boost in self-confidence and feeling more attractive.

—Heterosexual female, 25 years old

Power is the main thread of romance novels.The romance book industry is worth a billion dollars and sells more books than any other genre, including mystery.For example, in 10, romance novels accounted for 2004% of all paperback book sales in the United States.These romance novels have been translated into dozens of languages ​​and exported to more than 55 countries.100% of the buyers of romance novels are women, so these novels are a window to understand women's sexual psychology.

The main plot of the romance is, of course, the tangled love between the hero and heroine, but the authors—almost all of them women—describe female lust in such nuanced detail that it is fascinating to read.The heroine whom readers like is the heroine's unstoppable pursuit, attracting him like a magnet, and the hero pursues her passionately. She is the only one in the hero's heart, and the hero bows down under her pomegranate skirt.The heroine has great sexual power over the hero because he is infatuated with her.Of course, the male protagonists in the stories are all masculine and handsome, with sexy bodies, gentle manners, and high social status (either princes or wealthy and successful businessmen).All in all, he has all the qualities that women in the world desire.

There are such plots in many romance novels, in spite of the heroine's punching and kicking, the hero "subdues" her by force.Many psychologists point out that this is because this type of forced sex turns women on, reflecting a pathology or stereotyped notion that women are subservient to men.However, scientific research suggests another explanation.Psychologist Patricia Hawley conducted a sample survey of about 900 women to study whether women had sexual fantasies of succumbing to men under violence.Research has found that women with this fantasy are neither submissive nor pathological; instead, they tend to be strong, independent, and confident women.In reality, gentle and tactful women rarely have such sexual fantasies of being subdued by violence.Hawley concludes that sexual fantasies of this violent submission reflect female power rather than cowardly character, as the fantasized men are obsessed with them, lose their minds about them, and are completely overwhelmed by their charm.

sexual submission

The heroine in romance novels is often the driver of the hero, but what is puzzling is that the heroine finally succumbs to the mad pursuit of the hero who loses his mind.In romance novels, strong sexual power, irresistible sexual charm, and sexual submission under violence are intertwined.Several of the women interviewed mentioned this:
Being a strong woman is tiring, so giving in sometimes is a good thing.I am so busy with responsibilities, obligations, and work every day that I sometimes want to forget everything and be pushed around.I also like the feeling of being so madly infatuated that I just have to give in.

— Bisexual female, 18 years old

Another woman looked at the relationship between sexual attractiveness, sexual submission, and sexual power:

Submission in sex turns me on, but not always.Sometimes I like to completely submit to him in bed, it makes me feel sexy and wanted.I wanted to be controlled by him and feel like I was controlling him at the same time.Sometimes I would tie my hands or tell him to grab my arm.

—Heterosexual female, 33 years old

A reasonable explanation is that since a man does not hesitate to use violence to force himself, it proves that he cannot stop himself, and thus has a sense of power to control men.We found through research that two sexual motivations of women-"I want to be controlled by him" and "I want to control him" are related to each other.There is data proving that these two causes go hand in hand, implying that submission is another form of control.

Perhaps for this reason, women like to fantasize about sexual violence.A survey of 141 married women found that among the 15 most common sexual fantasies, "I fantasize about being overwhelmed" ranks second, and "I fantasize about him being a heartthrob" ranks first.Multiple other studies have shown that many women experience sexually violent fantasies.A survey found that 29% of participating women had fantasies of being sexually violent, and another study found that 30% of women had such sexual fantasies: "I am a slave, and I must obey all orders of the master."

Some women like to submit not because they want power, but because they want to get rid of their usual competitive state:
I am lively and cheerful, and I want to do everything myself.So I really enjoy being pushed around in bed, because the submissive me is different from the usual tough me.I believe that my boyfriend will not take advantage of me, so I am willing to submit to him and be controlled by him.

—Heterosexual female, 28 years old

In fact, being in control of others is a burden, so sometimes it's a relief to lose it.Some women talk about how they hate it when men don't have their own minds — don't know which restaurant to go to, what movie to watch, don't know what their goals are in life, and then keep asking women what to do.So sometimes role-playing games can bring a sense of relaxation that women usually lack:
I want to do a role-playing sex game with my boyfriend, I want to submit to him completely.We were arm wrestling, and suddenly we both had a passion.I want to submit to him, his control over me drives me crazy.He took four belts from the closet and tied me to the bed.I feel relaxed, I don't have to worry about anything, where to put my hands, what to say, what to do.I let him completely dominate me.

—Heterosexual female, 22 years old

I'm a masochist, submissive...I was raised to be scolded for masturbating, so sometimes sex seems to me to be an embarrassing, shameful thing to do.I like it when my partner calls me a slut, even though I don't think I deserve to be humiliated.It's a game, a game of libido.

——Female, 31 years old, sexual orientation unknown

I like being controlled and humiliated in certain situations.But I only do things like this with trusted partners, and I don't let people humiliate me casually.

—Heterosexual female, 53 years old

Some interviewed women said that they sometimes have sex because they want to be punished:

Sometimes I want to be punished by others.If my boyfriend jumps on me, I won't stop him even if I don't want to, because I like to feel abused.

—Heterosexual female, 18 years old

I've been with my boyfriend for a long time and I've hurt his feelings deeply and I'm constantly beating myself up for it... To atone, I want him to hurt my body.I only remember hurting him, but I forgot everything in detail... During the whole process, I didn't dare to look at him, I looked away and told him I liked it like this.He must know that there is something wrong with me, because usually I like him who is gentle.Deep down, he knew he was hurting me, but I begged him to do it, begged him to hit me hard, I told him to do it my way.Afterwards, I felt a little better.At least it felt like we were evened out a bit.

—Heterosexual female, 20 years old

This kind of self-punishment is rare, most women just like to be controlled by their partners because they enjoy the feeling that their partners are crazy for them.But these stories lead us to the darker side of sex, where women are forced to have sex because they don't feel entitled to say "no" or feel they "owe" the other person.In the next chapter we shall see that this passivity of women is connected with inferiority complex.

(End of this chapter)