female sexual motivation

Chapter 31 The Dark Side of Love (1)
deceive, punish, abuse

Pleasure cannot be shared, just as pain can only be experienced or inflicted.When we bestow happiness on our loved ones, and mercy on the needy, we do not satisfy them, but ourselves.In fact, we are kind or cruel for the same purpose, which is to strengthen our sense of power.

Aldous Huxley (1894-1962)

We cannot ignore the dark side of the human sexual psyche.The number of women who have been tricked, drugged, intimidated, or coerced into having sex by men is uncountable.Since the subject of this book is female sexual motivation, it seems in some ways inappropriate to discuss such a topic in this book.Indeed, none of our friends and colleagues understood why we included this chapter in this book, since many believed that rape had nothing to do with sex and that topics of power and violence should be included.

We also had such concerns, but after careful consideration, we finally decided to listen to the voices of the women we interviewed.When asked why they had sex, many women said it was because they were tricked, threatened, drugged, drunk or coerced by men.This is not consensual sex, but at least it is what causes women to have sex.

We have another purpose in openly discussing the dark side of sex.We hope that the stories of these women and the related scientific analysis will help readers learn more about the phenomenon of sexual violence and give their loved ones some help.Now, the popularization of education has improved the public's awareness of rape to a certain extent, but rape cases are often regarded as taboo, or as pornographic news, or as a scandal that is condemned by thousands of people.In addition, sexual violence will leave a shadow that can never be erased on the victimized women, and the victimized women will live in fear of sexual violence for the rest of their lives.

So it would be remiss of us to turn a blind eye to what happens to women.We hope that the women interviewed can tell other victimized women by telling their own stories-they have similar experiences.We also hope that women (and men) will learn from their experiences so that tragedies can be avoided.We start with the most common phenomenon: baiting.

Little tricks

The animal world is full of intrigues.Everything you see has the potential to be an illusion.The fisherman casts bait and lures the fish into the net.To mate, the male will lure a dead fly—the female's delicacy—but snatches the dead fly away immediately after ejaculation.On the battlefield of love, humans also use similar tricks.

Why the world of both sexes is so full of ugliness such as cheating can be better understood from gender conflict theory.Whenever the evolutionary interests of the sexes diverge, there is a potential for conflict between the sexes.Gender conflict theory holds that both sexes have invented a set of strategies and tricks to deal with each other through generations of competition.For example, since women love money, men can do what they like and design wealth scams to lure women into love.Therefore, women should always be alert to all kinds of traps, lest they go astray due to temporary greed.In fact, in the emotional world, women have various ways to unmask men.

Evolutionarily speaking, women are a valuable reproductive resource: it takes up to nine months of ups and downs to conceive a child.So in order to compete for this resource, men have naturally mastered a variety of strategies in the evolutionary process.The most common sexual tactic is to pursue it with all your heart.Whether it's a casual encounter or the beginning of a relationship, a man will show great interest in a woman and use various courtship tactics: show a sense of humor, share her troubles, behave politely, dress well, spend time with her as much as possible, Offer to help her, treat her to dinner, and give her gifts.Of course, at the initial acquaintance stage, almost all men try to put on their best side, hide their flaws, and tell a little lie now and then.It's commonplace to play tricks in traditional or online relationships.

Dating sites are now the choice of more and more singles, so people will also be deceived when they make friends online.According to a survey, there are 1600 million Americans using dating sites, and 300 million of them have successfully found true love, and some even entered the palace of marriage.Someone once specifically investigated the false information of online friend-seeking advertisements.The researchers compared various information including height, weight, and age in advertisements for friends with the actual situation.It was found that 55 percent of men and 41 percent of women lied about their height.Women are more likely than men to lie about their weight.The results of the sample survey showed that a total of 81% of the advertisements for seeking friends contained false information, involving appearance, income, drinking and smoking habits, political views and other aspects.

According to gender conflict theory, both parties are very aware of the falseness of online dating advertisements.A survey found that 86% of online friend seekers believe that other people are more or less lying about their height or weight and other information, and that the biggest drawback of online friend seeking is false information.

Despite the widespread falsehoods in dating ads, the vast majority are “fibs,” such as men adding half an inch to their height and women losing 8.5 pounds from their weight.The vast majority of online friend seekers tell lies that are "difficult to distinguish between true and false", so as not to be seen through at once when they meet.But there are exceptions.A man added 3 inches to his height and lost 11 years to his age.A woman lost 35 pounds from her body weight.But on the whole, people generally don't tell big lies in their dating ads.

It's fair to tell a little lie about love -- because everyone lies.People are afraid to say too much about obvious information such as height, weight, appearance, etc.Outright lies are easy to spot when two people meet, like a short guy who says he's 6 feet tall, or a big woman who says she's 125 pounds.However, not all lies can be exposed so easily, such as income, social status, etc. are difficult to determine, so now some dating sites also have identity verification procedures to investigate their real income, education background and other information.Some websites even investigate whether applicants have criminal records, lest some people "forget" to fill in this column in their friend information.

偏色
Before giving up their bodies, women generally try to develop a relationship with each other.From an evolutionary point of view, this is the wisdom that women have inherited from their ancestors.Only when a man gives affection, especially true love, will he show that he will never leave you, no matter life, old age, sickness or death, he will always be with you.Only love can make a man willing to love you, pay for you, protect you and your children.A man who has no feelings will be promiscuous everywhere.

Sometimes men can't understand women's need for affection. One man said this:

You might think that there is no need to coax women with "I love you" anymore.Actually not, these three words have the effect of adding fuel to the fire.Whenever I can't help it, my mouth is full of beautiful and charming love words.But not all women buy my account, but the strong love language makes the emotion between us more intense.I didn't mean to talk like this on purpose, any woman loves to hear it!Who cares, sometimes you have to talk sweet words anyway.

In fact, according to the Bath Laboratory of Evolutionary Psychology, cheating on a woman's feelings is the most common tactic men use to get a woman into sex.In one survey, we asked 240 women and 239 men to describe a time when they had been cheated on by a member of the opposite sex.It turns out that the ways men cheat on women include:

Hiding a formal relationship with another woman (9%);
Lying about not liking another woman (26%);
·Hide your feelings for another woman (25%);
Exaggerated their ambition (21%);
Pretending to be very kind and considerate (42%);
Misleading her into believing how much she likes her (36%);
Hide the fact that you are flirting with another woman (40%);
In order to trick the other party into bed, pretend that you like the other party very much (29%);
Misled her into believing that he would be with her forever (28%).

The data given above are likely to be much less than the actual data.Because another survey found that 112% of 71 men admitted that they had exaggerated their true feelings in order to have sex with each other.

Many women interviewed had heart-wrenching emotional experiences:
I was in college at the time, and I was out drinking a lot one night.At that time, I liked a boy very much. He was full of lies, but I didn't have the slightest doubt.For example, if he told me that he was different from other boys, he would definitely call me the next morning and tell me how much he liked me.He praised how beautiful I was, how smart I was, and said how happy he would be if the two of us were together.At that time, I only thought about how much I liked him and how much I wanted him to fall in love with me, so I believed in his words.After a few glasses of wine, we went upstairs together.The next day, he didn't call me.I heard later that he was telling his friends how easy it was to get me.I feel greatly insulted.

—Heterosexual female, 27 years old

Like this woman, Sandra Hicks was deeply hurt.She has an enviable husband, Ed Hicks.He is diligent and skillful, and can fix anything broken in the house. He has a romantic and gentle personality, and he is also very cute.Suddenly one day Sandra Hicks found out that the tax refund she was waiting for was inexplicably transferred to another woman's account!It turns out that Ed Hicks was married to two women at the same time, both of whom were kept in the dark.Ed Hicks has been married at least five times, three of which were married without divorce.Ed Hicks Continues Chasing Women After Arrest and JailIf it weren't for the warnings of Ed Hicks' three ex-wives, yet another woman would have been nearly duped by him.One ex-wife, who asked not to be named, said: "I know men, you always find clues about him. But he... has such a good mouth."

As we mentioned in Chapter 3, the oxytocin secreted in a woman's orgasm can make a woman fall deeply in love with each other.The tenderness of the body will make women love more deeply, so women are more likely to be deceived.It is not difficult to imagine that women who have been emotionally cheated will experience heartbreaking pain. It is difficult for them to trust men again, and their unwillingness to be intimate with their partners or any physical contact makes them feel anxious.

Anti-cheat

Men do sometimes successfully cheat, but if you think women are fools who are played around by men, then you are very wrong.Women know that men have a strong desire to hunt for beauty.Women actually have a complex way of identifying satyrs.Studies have shown that women are better at analyzing non-verbal signals, such as facial expressions and movements, than men.They know how to interpret a man's expression, judge whether the other party is reliable through the tone of his voice, and understand the other party's style and emotional experience through various information.The girlfriends get together and spend hours analyzing a certain conversation, helping the sisters analyze the man's intentions, "He said X, and then I said Y, ... but he dared to look you in the eye when he said Z ?"

A desirable way is to have a lot of contact before intimacy occurs.In a Bass lab survey, we asked men and women how long after exposure they were willing to have sex with someone they liked, and we gave a time frame of between one hour and five years.Men were willing to have sex after a week, while women wanted a longer exposure.The longer the contact time, the more opportunities women have to get to know each other, so as to detect the person who is trying to cheat in time.

Women are also good at protecting themselves emotionally.Research in the Bath lab has proven that women go mad and heartbroken when they find out they've been cheated on.This kind of violent emotion will leave a deep imprint in the mind, reminding women to be vigilant against liars in the future and not to be deceived again.

Evolutionary psychologist Matt Haselton has discovered another way women use to protect themselves: committing to skeptical bias.To give a specific example: A man makes a promise to a woman on the second date.So in this case, how to correctly judge the man's true thoughts?Women may make two wrong conclusions: first, he is lying, but in fact he is sincere; second, he believes it is true, but in fact he is lying.According to evolutionary logic, being cheated on will cause great harm to women.Deceived women may have unintended pregnancies; may pass on less-than-good genes to offspring; may have to raise children alone.Therefore, in the long-term evolutionary process, women have formed a special psychology, that is, promise skepticism, that is to say, they always have half-belief in men's vows.This psychology plays an extremely important role in preventing women from being deceived by lies at their fingertips.Sincere suitors need to patiently gain the woman's trust, while those who just want to "pick up girls" will impatiently turn to targets that are simpler, easier to use, and easier to deceive.

At this time, men are at the end of cheating, and women are at the end of deception.Some women successfully expose the satyr, while some women are unfortunately deceived by the satyr.

Rape, Force, Rape

The vast majority of women hope to get positive rewards from sexual behavior, such as sexual pleasure, love, commitment, revenge, elimination of troubles, avoidance of lovers cheating, etc.But sometimes that positive payoff is avoiding harm—mental harm or physical harm or both.

In Chapter 6, we talked about the fact that women sometimes have unwanted sex, either to please their partner, or because they can't resist their partner's stalking, or to maintain the relationship, or because they think they should do "wife" Responsibility”, or don’t know how to say no.It is undeniable that any sexual act that occurs under such circumstances can be considered forced sexual intercourse.The difference between having sex because you can't resist your partner's flirtatiousness and having sex because you're being bullied is so blurry that it's hard to tell.But the following situations definitely fall into the category of forced sexual intercourse: women have to choose between sex and breaking up; women dare not refuse, or feel remorse and guilt for refusing; women are "obedient" when they are drunk and drugged.Several of the women interviewed spoke of being coerced:
My first boyfriend always pushed me.I even made an agreement with him for three chapters, hoping that he would abide by the rules and not bully others too much.I didn't know what was going on at first, and then I was like many other girls who couldn't say no.The main reason why things have come to this point is because of my religion, because of my religious beliefs, I am cowardly and simply ignorant.The second boyfriend forced me to have sex with him.He drugged the wine behind my back... This time it was because of religious reasons again. I didn't dare to resist. know what it's like to be drunk).He also made up several tragic stories to trick me into sympathy, which was another reason for my obedience to him.I've had this happen to me several times, sometimes because I couldn't resist my partner's flirting, sometimes because I was lied to, and sometimes because my character was too weak to say no.I felt jittery, lost and helpless.I don't want to make the other party angry. I believe that others will not take advantage of my weak character, but when they are using me, I am at a loss and don't know what to do.It's all because I'm too young and have no autonomy.These things all happened before the age of 19, and then I was no longer so weak, and I was no longer so naive.

—Heterosexual female, 23 years old

(End of this chapter)