female sexual motivation

Chapter 32 The Dark Side of Love (2)
I was very naive, like 14 years old.I met a boy (maybe around 17) and went to his house to play.Everything was fine and we started making out (kissing) and then I quit.But he told me I had to sleep with him or he wouldn't send me home.I came out after lying to my father before, so I didn't have the face to call him to pick me up.I was afraid of getting myself into trouble, so I obeyed him.I just want to get out of his house quickly, and the only way is to obey.

—Heterosexual female, 31 years old

The perpetrators of forced sex and rape may be strangers, but acquaintances are more common.Rape can be committed by people of any culture, class, and age.Rape victims can be male or female, but most often they are female.According to the National Survey on Violence Against Women (USA), 8000% of 15 women had been raped and 3% had attempted rape. 62% of offenders are the victim's former or current partner, and acquaintances are more likely to physically harm the victim when they commit rape.

bdsm and teenage girls
In our research, we found a disproportionate number of women who experienced forced sex and rape as teenagers.Surprisingly, about 1/3 of middle school girls have been forced to have sexual intercourse or sexual violence by their boyfriends.Considering that 70 percent of teens in the U.S. have had at least one serious relationship before the age of 18, many women already have traumatic sexual experiences as teenagers.

Teenage girls are more likely to experience coerced sexual intercourse than adult women.They lack love experience and don't know what love is all about, so it's not easy to detect all kinds of dangerous signals.

When women and their partners are far apart in terms of intelligence, social status, and age, they are vulnerable to forced sexual intercourse:

When I was almost 17, I dated a 26-year-old man.I want to be boyfriend and girlfriend with him, but he kind of surprises me.I didn't want to lose him so when we made out he would put my head down and give him blowjob.He didn't let go of it for a long time, even if I was crying.But I continued to date him, thinking that was what girlfriends were supposed to do.

—Heterosexual female, 38 years old

Girls do not have as much sexual experience and experience as mature men, so they are easily controlled by them, and they are also easy to be forced to have sex without defense.Afterwards, girls who lack sexual experience often blame themselves.Sometimes women feel like it's their fault, that they shouldn't be "misleading" or that they should know how to help themselves.According to a survey, 1/4 to 1/3 of middle school students in the United States believe that boys can force girls if they allow boys to touch their breasts, wear revealing clothes, agree to go to each other's home, and date each other for a long time sexual intercourse.

Forced sex and rape traumatize teenage girls more than adult women.Girls in the blooming season are in love for the first time, and the blooming age is the period when sexual consciousness gradually matures.Early awareness of coercive sexual intercourse as part of the relationship between a man and a woman can later be taken for granted, creating a vicious cycle of sexual violence.

Regardless of the age of the victim, sexual abuse can leave permanent psychological scars and completely disrupt the victim's life.Forced sexual intercourse by a boyfriend can cause the victim to completely lose trust. This kind of betrayal by a loved one makes the victim no longer able to trust or rely on the future partner.Many women who have been raped develop post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), which can include a sudden feeling of the horrific rape happening again, easy startling, trouble sleeping, and emotional numbness or apathy.In one survey, researchers compared 40 adult women who had been raped with 32 women of the same age who had experienced life-or-death atrocities (physical assault, car accident, robbery) and found that 95% of rape victims suffered from PTSD, and 47 percent of the latter developed PTSD.

90% of rape victims experience sexual desire disorders such as frigidity (93%), aversion to sex (85%), and genital pain (83%).Many rape victims also develop eating disorders such as binge eating (68%), vomiting (48%), and anxiety disorders (38%) in addition to PTSD.Some victims were addicted to alcohol and drugs, and more people felt depressed, anxious, angry, nauseated, distressed, helpless, fearful, and inferior.In short, the psychological trauma that rape brings to women is enormous.

One woman interviewed spoke of the trauma of sexual violence at an early age:
When I was very young, I was forced to give two blowjobs to a 16 year old boy.I had a hard time understanding what was happening at the time.When I later found out what happened, I was sick and very sad.Over the years, friends and psychologists have constantly enlightened me, hoping that I can completely let go of this matter and not let it affect my sex life.I'm not sure exactly how this affected my life, but I couldn't enjoy sex, felt anxious, and had a terrible low self-esteem.However, I'm much better now.

—Heterosexual female, 27 years old

As we grow older, we learn how to love and protect our bodies.However, women who have experienced sexual violence, especially those who have experienced sexual violence in childhood, believe that they cannot protect their bodies and that they are powerless against the physical abuse of others.Victims often say they felt "very far away" when the incident happened.Women cannot separate their bodies from the environment at that time, and the only way to "escape" is to separate their spirit from their physical bodies.Some victimized women are often unable to sexually arouse or "find the feeling" after falling in love, because she has become accustomed to mental escape.If a woman believes that she cannot protect her body, she is likely to be indifferent or not to fight back when faced with red flags.Such women are unable to make their own decisions even when confronted with a partner's sexual invitation.

Some researchers claim that this kind of psychology can be used to explain why female victims of sexual assault cases are more likely to be repeatedly victimized. It is estimated that the probability of female victims being re-victimized is between 15% and 72%.Women who were sexually abused as children were twice as likely to experience sexual violence as adults than women who had not been sexually abused.Research has shown that victims of sexual assault are more likely to be re-victimized, but the reasons for this remain unclear.Alcohol and drug use may be a factor, but still do not explain revictimization.The characteristics of a sexual assault case, such as severity, method of violence, length of time, and whether family members were involved, can also increase the risk of re-victimization.A recent study found that low self-esteem, sexual anxiety, and infidelity all contribute in part to the re-victimization of victimized women.

Two women interviewed spoke about their experiences of repeated sexual assault:
At the age of 15, I was raped by three male classmates, on my way home.I was still a virgin.The crime took place behind the school, and students returning home from school passed by in groups... They all heard my yelling, but no one came to rescue me.I escaped after biting one of the criminals to the blood.Because of my resistance, my body was covered with scratches and bruises, and the three boys were also scratched by me. The police arrested them on this basis. They were beat up and ordered not to make any mistakes for two years.I was later raped by my first "partner" and we lived together as de facto partners for 8 months.One night when I was walking out of a nightclub, a man followed me into an alley and raped me.Dozens of people saw him and heard my cries for help, but no one came to help me... Before I met my second (current) husband, I didn't believe there were any kind and gentle men in the world.My desperation for men all over the world was changed by the love of one man.

—Heterosexual female, 35 years old

As a child, I was molested by several relatives.Also, I was raped several times as a teenager.I have told this to many people, but no one is serious, it is heartbreaking... I was brought up as a minor under the guardianship of the state, so I was sent to a child welfare institution.I hated being there and I used to get together with some girls and say how I hated it.Then I just ran off with some boys from the neighborhood.I remember one time when I was with some boys and a girl I knew.They all hate me and they all think I'm a whore because they hear I'm being slept everywhere.Maybe that's true, because at that time I didn't know self-esteem and self-love at all, and I didn't care about my body at all.At night, a few of us found a basement laundry room for the night.One of the boys raped me.I just lay there like a dead man, feeling that what was happening right now had nothing to do with me.This feeling of being bullied makes me sad.

—Heterosexual female, 28 years old

marital rape
I was emotionally abused, verbally abused by my ex, and I was forced to have sex most of the time during our 15 year relationship.If I refused him, he would be so angry that he could scold me for three days in a row.In the end I just let him go, it was better to endure 15 minutes of sex than to be scolded for days.

—Heterosexual female, 36 years old

The difference between non-consensual sex and rape is very subtle, especially when rape occurs between partners because two people have had consensual sex in the past.Women who experience marital rape only consider themselves raped when they experience physical violence or injury.Studies have shown that women who are raped by their partners often make excuses for the partner, such as "he was like that when he was drunk" or "I shouldn't provoke him", etc.Victimized women also tend to downplay the severity of the incident, for example, they will say "it only happened a few times".

Victimized women are reluctant to admit to being raped by their partners because they fear reprisals, a bad reputation, and a beating.In fact, sexual and physical violence often occur together.In the most basic form of sexual violence (forcing the wife to have sex), the husband acts to assert his power, and in many cases this machismo extends to the minutiae of family life.Domestic violence men often prohibit their wives from interacting with friends or other family members, hit their wives' self-esteem, and use various methods to suppress their wives, so that their wives are more dependent on themselves and more obedient to their desires.Some men forbid their wives to go out on the grounds that "she is not trustworthy".

Sociologists David Finkelho and Kirsti Yulo divide marital rape broadly into three categories.One category is called "abuse rape," and 40 percent of marital rapes fall into this category.Abusive rape is the combination of physical and sexual violence, with a husband beating his wife either before or after sexually assaulting her.The second category is called "violent rape", in which the husband subdues his wife with only necessary force, and another 40% of marital rapes fall into this category.But in this type of rape, the husband often forces the wife to have some form of sex.

The third category is called "sexual abuse", which belongs to the least common but most serious type of marital rape. The husband is usually a sexual maniac and will do anything for sex.This demented rapist has sadistic tendencies, loves to humiliate, demean, and control his wife.One woman interviewed described her own experience of fear and humiliation:

I was raped numerous times as a child and repeatedly by my husband in my first marriage.When I was a kid, I had a gun to my head and was told to shoot me if I disobeyed.My first husband even gave me as a sex toy to his friends.He said if I didn't obey, he would kill me while I was sleeping, and to prove his point, he took a knife and put it under the pillow.

—Heterosexual female, 26 years old

Researchers have done several surveys, they give several cases of women being raped, and then ask the participants to rate the severity of these cases.It was found that participants generally believed that marital rape was less harmful to women.The idea goes back to the ancient idea that husbands have the right to demand sex from their wives and that marital rape is not illegal.Decades ago, sexual assault laws in the United States accepted the proposal of the famous British jurist Lord Hale: "A husband will not be convicted of raping his wife, because by their marriage contract, the wife has dedicated her body to her husband. The consent is irrevocable."

Marital rape was not a crime in all 1993 states until 50.But currently in 30 states of the United States, when the wife has certain weaknesses (such as mental or physical disabilities, unconsciousness or deep sleep, etc.), unable to give consent, and the husband does not use force to have sex with his wife , most states grant immunity to the husband.

But today, marital rape is not a crime in all countries.A bill recently passed in Afghanistan even legalized marital rape.One of the bills states: "As long as the husband does not go out, he has the right to have sexual intercourse with his wife every four days." Another article reads: "Unless the wife is sick or has any disease that may be aggravated by intercourse Otherwise, you must respond positively to your husband’s sexual demands.” The bill was designed to regulate family life for the Shiites, who account for 3000 percent of Afghanistan’s total population (20 million), while it does not apply to Sunnis.US President Barack Obama called the law "abhorrent," and international organizations called on the Afghan government to revoke the bill.The controversial marriage bill has brought more attention to the issue of marital rape.Marital rape affects the normal lives of millions of women around the world — including countries that criminalize marital rape.

(End of this chapter)