aren't we in love

Chapter 45 I Didn't Think About Hurting Myself
The weather was fine when winter left, and God chose to pick him up on a sunny afternoon.

Winter's health has become very bad since he was discharged from the hospital, but because there is no need for injections to draw blood, the smile on the child's face has increased a lot.During the day, I can read books, draw pictures, watch TV occasionally, and like to sing with Cheng Duanwu.The child can't sing well and can't catch the tune all the time, but he likes to sing. Every time he sings, there is a happy smile with squinted eyes on his face.

Although abdominal pain, nosebleeds, and fainting still occur frequently, Cheng Duanwu is still very satisfied with every minute and every second God left for their mother and child.

Woke up very early that winter.Woke up at four o'clock in the morning, his body was already extremely weak, and his speech was weak, and he began to gasp for breath after talking for a long time.But that day he went to play football abnormally.

Looking at the child's scrawny body, Cheng Duanwu felt sore in his heart.She didn't know how to reject the child, so she was silent for a long time, and finally couldn't hold back the tears, and left the child's room as if fleeing, and tears fell straight down as soon as she turned around.Leaning on the door of the toilet and weeping alone, she finally disarmed and surrendered to fate.

After a long time, she washed the tears off her face with cold water. When she looked up, a haggard woman appeared in the mirror. Her eyes were swollen from crying, and her face was bloodless. She bit her lips, rubbed her face, and tried hard. Laugh, try to make yourself better.

Once out of the toilet.Lu Yingqin had already helped the skinny child on the bed get dressed.

Cheng Duanwu's smile disappeared instantly, her eyes widened, and she raised her voice, "Where are you taking the child? He can't play football!"

Lu Yingqin sighed, "I know he can't play football, I want to take him to watch other people play football."

Cheng Duanwu knew that he had misunderstood Lu Yingqin, but he still couldn't help being worried. He clenched his hands into fists, feeling extremely bitter in his heart, and moved his lips: "But...but outside..."

Lu Yingqin stopped Cheng Duanwu from continuing, and interrupted her: "Just go and see for a while, it's okay, go get the mask."

Cheng Duanwu took a deep breath, holding back the tears that were about to fall again, and went to get the mask.

There is a middle school near the place where Cheng Duanwu lives. It was the middle school student football league, and the children of the football team were training hard.Holding Dong in his arms, Lu Yingqin chose a position in the stands with a good view.Winter has been in a bad state since he went out, as if he was sleepy, talking nonsense all the time.The hesitant voice was not loud, and Cheng Duanwu couldn't hear what he was saying.

The two adults and one child sat in the stands and watched for more than two hours. Lu Yingqin had been talking to Dong Dong about the history of football, the football stars admired in different eras, and the rules of football games that Cheng Duanwu couldn't understand.Winter listens very carefully, trying not to sleep, and occasionally misses a word or two when he encounters something he doesn't understand.

Cheng Duanwu hardly dared to look at him, afraid that he would just fall asleep.I am afraid that my baby will not wake up like this.She was afraid that he would never open his eyes again...

The sun rose little by little, and the sun gradually became hotter. The dense branches and leaves of the big trees behind the stands blocked part of the sun, but the skin still felt a little tingling.The sunlight leaked sparsely from the gaps in the leaves, reflecting on Dong Dong's face, mottled, his expression was very satisfied, his eyes were slightly narrowed, and the corners of his mouth were slightly raised.

"Mom." The child who had been talking to Lu Yingqin suddenly called Cheng Duanwu.

Cheng Duanwu was startled in panic, nervous like a child, "Mom is here."

The child's voice was weak, "Mom, I want to eat chocolate beans, can you buy them for me?"

Cheng Duanwu nodded, and touched Dongdong's tender little face before leaving, it was warm and soft.

She really didn't walk away for long, maybe 5 minutes?Maybe not yet.

When she came back, the child was already unconscious.She walked loudly, but the child seemed to be unable to hear anything.He just talked to Lu Yingqin on his own.Cheng Duanwu listened to that immature voice, and in his mind was the scene of this little kid from childhood to adulthood.She didn't go any further, just stood there and listened to their conversation.Their voices seemed distant and near, ethereal and quiet, Cheng Duanwu felt very unreal.

"..."

"Dad, actually I don't want to eat chocolate beans, I just want to tell you something that mom can't listen to."

"Okay, you say."

"Father, my mother always said that she raised me so that I could be filial to her when I grow up. But I may not be able to be filial to her anymore. I will go to God to enjoy the blessings in advance."

Lu Yingqin turned his back to Cheng Duanwu, but Cheng Duanwu still clearly saw his back tremble, and his voice was a little hoarse, "Silly boy, don't say stupid things. You won't go to see God. No meeting."

This is what Cheng Duanwu and Lu Yingqin love to say recently.They are unqualified parents.Even though both of them knew the result, they were still stubborn enough to deceive themselves.

Dong Dong didn't know if he heard Lu Yingqin's words clearly, and said, "Mom is not here now, can I ask Dad for something?"

Lu Yingqin choked for a moment: "Say it. Dad will agree to everything you said."

"In the future, my mother will be old in the future. Dad will be filial to my mother for me. Okay?"

"it is good……"

Cheng Duanwu stood where she was, and she crushed all the chocolate beans in the packaging bag.But she didn't make a sound at all, she didn't want to disturb the child, and she didn't want the child to see her crying again.

"Dad, I'm sleepy and I want to sleep."

"Dad, my stomach hurts, I need to rub..."

"..."

The child's voice became smaller and smaller, as if he exhausted his whole body's strength every time he said a word.

After an unknown amount of time, Cheng Duanwu saw that Lu Yingqin began to tremble.She realized that the moment they had been dreading had finally come...

She stood where she was and didn't dare to approach.

I only heard Lu Yingqin calling Dongdong's name, and he didn't even answer three times...

The sun is still and the earth is running as usual, but her baby left so silently. Cheng Duanwu felt that his heartbeat seemed to become weaker and weaker, as if it also stopped.It was as if someone cruelly took a knife and dug out her internal organs.She just felt like a big hole was missing in her body, and the wind gushed into it, but she didn't even feel any pain...

It took a long time before she stepped forward.She patted Lu Yingqin on the shoulder. He didn't turn his head, but just hugged the child tightly and remained motionless.Cheng Duanwu squatted down and moved closer to the child in Lu Yingqin's arms. His expression was very serene, even with a satisfied smile...

"Give it to me?" Cheng Duanwu's voice was very calm, Lu Yingqin was startled, and Cheng Duanwu saw a flash of dark tide in his eyes.His expression is also extremely sad, but he is a man, and he quickly restrained his fragility.He silently handed the child to Cheng Duanwu.Cheng Duanwu took him over with trembling hands.

The moment Cheng Duanwu touched the child, his entire body trembled.She sniffed Dong Dong's breath with her hand.

He was no longer breathing.But he looked like he was just asleep.

Cheng Duanwu felt that all the paralyzed pain senses recovered in an instant, and the sadness and heartache hit her like a tidal wave, surrounding and crushing her.There was a sharp pain in the heart, and the painful feeling spread from the heart to the whole body.She felt like she was about to suffocate, and she couldn't even breathe.

It seems that the sky and the earth collapsed in an instant, as if the earth was torn apart and the sky collapsed.Everything in front of Cheng Duanwu's eyes was black.She was powerless to resist the cruel fate, and her last ray of hope was shattered. She felt that everything in the world had lost its color, and she was so desperate that she was about to die...

Cheng Duanwu kept holding the child, his body was as stiff as a statue.She closed her arms tightly, opened a pair of lifeless eyes, and said to herself like a lunatic: "My dear son, it doesn't hurt at all, it won't hurt anymore, sleep well, wait Everything will be fine when you wake up, mom will definitely save you..."

"When we recover from illness, we will play football just like the brothers here, and then my mother will send you to Spain to learn football and meet the stars you want to meet in winter..."

"Mom still expects you to go to college and marry a beautiful girl to be filial to your mother..."

"Listen to mother, just sleep for a while..."

"..."

Cheng Duanwu hugged him for a long time, and said so many things that his mouth was dry and the corners of his lips were blistered. The child still didn't wake up.His limbs have begun to gradually become cold...

Obviously two hours ago, she touched it, it was warm and soft, but only two hours later...

He will never open his big eyes and say pitifully: "Mom, can I play football after I finish my homework?"; and he will never volunteer to help Cheng Duanwu with housework because he feels guilty about stealing sweets won't chirp with Cheng Duanwu about school affairs; won't sensibly beat Cheng Duanwu's back when she's tired; won't draw cards for her on Mother's Day...

Her child is gone, he is gone...

Cheng Duanwu's mind is full of little things about raising this child. This unlucky child has not enjoyed a day of happiness with her. After a good day, he fell ill again...

For a moment guilt and grief occupied all of Cheng Duanwu's senses, and she felt like a knife was cutting with every breath...

Lu Yingqin stood behind Cheng Duanwu the whole time, the child went in his arms, his heart trembled no less than Cheng Duanwu's, but he still couldn't bear to disturb Cheng Duanwu.He stood quietly behind her, like a barrier, enclosing their mother and child in a small area. At this moment, he didn't want to be disturbed by anyone.

After a long time, Cheng Duanwu was still immersed in great grief. He called her a few times but she didn't respond.The sky was getting dark. Although Lu Yingqin couldn't bear it, he was still awake enough. He stretched out his hand to hold Cheng Duanwu's shoulder, and his voice was dry and hoarse: "Duanwu, can you go back first?"

Cheng Duanwu was still unresponsive.When the child was sick, Cheng Duanwu always cried, but from the moment the child was gone, she did not shed a single tear. It was obviously in great pain, but she did not shed a single tear.

Lu Yingqin's whole body tensed up, he really couldn't bear to see Cheng Duanwu like this, "Duanwu, don't hold back, cry about everything, the child won't want you to torment yourself like this."

Cheng Duanwu stood up slowly holding the child.Although the child was gone, it was not weightless. Since the child fell ill, Cheng Duanwu had lost weight rapidly and was extremely emaciated, but the moment she picked up the child, Lu Yingqin felt that she was like a giant, and that the child was all her strength.He dared not ask her to give him the child, for he was afraid that she would really collapse.

Cheng Duanwu's eyes were a little out of focus, he stared blankly at the football field, and after a long time said quietly to Lu Yingqin: "Thank you for being with my child to the end, thank you for letting him have a complete home before he leaves, Thank you... thank you..."

Her general gratitude made Lu Yingqin flustered for no reason, and he frowned slightly: "Thank me for what I did, winter is also my child..."

"No, no, he is not the one you hoped to be born, but the one I insisted on going my own way. Everything now is retribution, retribution, retribution against the sky... It's just... it's just suffering my child... he He shouldn't suffer like this, he is so obedient and obedient, he shouldn't suffer like this..."

Lu Yingqin sensed Cheng Duanwu's strangeness, and immediately stepped forward to hug Cheng Duanwu, "Duanwu, listen to me, you've done a good job, Dongdong loves you very much, he is proud of having a mother like you, don't you Blame myself, everything is my fault! I did not fulfill my responsibility as a father! Don't blame yourself!"

"No!" Cheng Duanwu suddenly slammed Lu Yingqin away, roaring hysterically at Lu Yingqin like an angry female beast: "It's my fault, everything is my fault! I shouldn't have brought him here The world suffers, I shouldn't be so selfish. I shouldn't! It's all my fault, it's me, it's me!"

She suddenly lost control and rushed out of the football field like a madman.She was still running fast with the baby in her arms, as if she had exhausted all her strength.No one knew where she was going, not even herself.

Lu Yingqin quickly caught up with her.He can understand her pain, and understand her unbearable, but he just understands that he can't allow her to hurt her body.

He was holding Cheng Duanwu's arm tightly, and she wanted to shake it off, but she couldn't move much while holding the child.

"Lu Yingqin! Let me go!"

Cheng Duanwu was stunned by his yelling, and then she realized that she unconsciously lowered her head to look at the already lifeless winter, her heart broke instantly, blood and tears flowed drop by drop in her heart, and there were bursts of fishy sweetness in her throat, but But she couldn't cry no matter what, the heart-piercing pain made her feel like a flicker.

"Yes," she said to herself, "where can I go? I can't go anywhere, I can't go anywhere..."

Lu Yingqin tightened his grip on her arm, and persuaded her earnestly: "Be obedient, Dragon Boat Festival, go back with me first, and let's discuss the rest."

"Go back? Where are you going back?" She stared blankly at Lu Yingqin with her big empty eyes, "Mom is gone, father is gone, brother is gone, winter is gone, I am the only one left in the world, Go back? Where to go? I have no home, I have nothing, nothing!"

Lu Yingqin looked at Cheng Duanwu so depressed and hopeless, but he didn't know what he could do.He didn't dare to let go, he was afraid that Cheng Duanwu would follow the child.

Now Cheng Duanwu can't see any emotion in his eyes. She is ashamed, and he is afraid that she will die at any time.

"Be obedient, Dragon Boat Festival, be obedient, you are not the only one in the world, there is me, and me..." Lu Yingqin spoke with sincerity, he had never been so eager to prove his feelings to a woman, But no matter how eagerly he confessed himself, Cheng Duanwu remained unmoved. She was like a lifeless lunatic, muttering to herself all the time.

From hurrying over to dying in winter.A full 48 days.In these 48 days, everything happened unexpectedly.It seemed like a nightmare.

Cheng Duanwu has been imagining that everything will return to normal when he wakes up.

But all this is her wishful thinking.

For a whole week after Winter passed away, she continued to suffer from insomnia for a week.She holds the winter urn every day, does not communicate with anyone, and closes herself.Indulging in the good memories of the past and unable to extricate himself.Silent as a shell without a soul.

Lu Yingqin didn't bother her, he was afraid that something would happen to her, so he made a small bed next to her bed and guarded her every day.He didn't persuade her to go back to China, but just gave her time to adjust it by herself.

Sometimes when Lu Yingqin called about work matters, he also answered in front of her, not daring to leave her for a moment.

On Children's Day, Cheng Duanwu suddenly woke up, took out all the toys stored at home, blew up a lot of balloons and cut ribbons to decorate the home like a beautiful fairy tale country.

Lu Yingqin didn't stop her, but she spoke to him for the first time after Dong Dong passed away.

"When June [-] is over, I'll take Dongdong back to China and let him be with my father and brother. They will take good care of him for me."

Lu Yingqin was delighted that Cheng Duanwu would take the initiative to talk to him, and couldn't help showing his joy, and excitedly agreed repeatedly: "Okay! Okay! I'll go back after June [-]st!"

"Tonight, can I stay alone with Dongdong? Just one night."

Lu Yingqin was suspicious of her request, "Why?"

Cheng Duanwu's eyes looked at Lu Yingqin ethereally, without desire or desire: "There is no reason, I will not die, I will not commit suicide, so you don't have to be so afraid to guard me. My son is so brave, I can't Be a mother who embarrasses him."

Lu Yingqin remained silent, and finally agreed to Cheng Duanwu's request.But he was still worried, so he slept in front of Cheng Duanwu. He didn't allow Cheng Duanwu to lock the door, and opened the door every 10 minutes to check.

However, even with such a tight guard, something happened to Cheng Duanwu.

Lu Yingqin was also tired in the second half of the night. He was so sleepy that he fell asleep. He woke up at four o'clock in the morning and went to open Cheng Duanwu's door, but Cheng Duanwu was still asleep.She drank half of the boiled water he poured for her on the table, and everything was normal.Seeing that she had finally fallen asleep, Lu Yingqin didn't bother her.It wasn't until after eight o'clock that Lu Yingqin realized that something was wrong.He went to push Cheng Duanwu, but Cheng Duanwu didn't wake up anyway.He picked up Cheng Duanwu from the bed so violently that he tore off the quilt, and an empty medicine bottle fell to the ground. The plastic medicine bottle made a ping-pong sound when it fell on the ground, and rolled several meters away on the ground.

Lu Yingqin trembled as he hugged Cheng Duanwu. He had never been so scared.

Cheng Duanwu was almost lifeless, but Lu Yingqin could still detect her faint breathing, he didn't hesitate for a second, and immediately called the ambulance...

Cheng Duanwu was rescued and came back. He washed his stomach with fifty sleeping pills. This dose is not fatal, but it is definitely dangerous.

Cheng Duanwu, who was rescued, was still in a coma. Lu Yingqin learned his lesson and never dared to leave her casually.

This woman is more cruel than he imagined.

Cheng Duanwu woke up the next day, and the first thing he saw when he woke up was Lu Yingqin's angry face.

Looking at the hanging infusion tube, she certainly knew what it was.

"I didn't want to commit suicide." Cheng Duanwu's voice was hoarse and obscure, and the first sentence he opened his mouth was such an explanation.

Lu Yingqin couldn't listen to her weak explanation.Fifty sleeping pills are the proof of the solid fact.

"You didn't want to commit suicide? Did you take fifty sleeping pills if you didn't want to commit suicide?! Cheng Duanwu, what did you tell me about being brave and not embarrassing the winter! That's all a lie, right?!"

"I didn't!" Cheng Duanwu held his forehead in pain. Intellectually, she naturally knew that everything she did was wrong. She shouldn't hurt her body, shouldn't be negative, and shouldn't be so desperate.But those pains and those memories bound her tightly like vines, and she couldn't escape, and she could hardly breathe every minute and every second.

Losing winter is like having her heart gouged out by life, she doesn't know how to live, she doesn't know what she should live for.

She loses all her courage and her existence becomes meaningless.Her life has lost its focus, and she even has no one to care about...

She couldn't fall asleep, and she didn't want to wake up when she fell asleep. She felt very tired and tired from being alive.She wants to be a mother who won't embarrass her child, but when she closes her eyes, all she sees is the child's cute smiling face. She is in too much pain, and she just wants to sleep well.

She covered her forehead, and then slid her palms down, covering her face tightly. She began to sob and whimper softly, like a helpless child.Crystal tears poured from her fingers.

"I didn't think about suicide, I didn't mean to hurt myself...I just couldn't sleep...I couldn't sleep..."

The sleeping pills were given to her by the doctor when she was ill at the beginning of winter when she saw her depression and insomnia.She only opened one at a time, but at that time she was always afraid that something would happen in the winter when she fell asleep, so she never ate it, and she didn't expect that there were fifty tablets in her savings.

At night, Lu Yingqin was not around, she hugged the ashes of winter, her heart ached just thinking about it, the lively child turned into a handful of ashes, she was uncomfortable, she couldn't accept it, she forced herself not to think about it, forced herself to fall asleep, but she couldn't can't sleep...

"What should I do? I'm so tired to live..." She tightly covered her face, preventing Lu Yingqin from seeing her ugly appearance from crying: "What should I do! What should I do!"

"..."

(End of this chapter)