Human disqualification

Chapter 9

stand still for a long time
thoughtful

Everything is a story
——Ikuta Changjiang

What type of novel should I write?I live in the flood of monogatari, and if I can become an actor in it, I will be very lucky.I can even describe my own face in deep sleep.

Even if I die, someone will put my makeup on, and someone will be sad because of it.If there is such a person, it should be Ms. K.

K is 32 this year, two years older than me.

Let's talk about K next.

K has often come to my house since I was a child. Although she is not related to me by blood, being with her feels like being with family.But now K, like me, often thinks "it would be great if I hadn't been born".Counting from birth, he has seen the most beautiful things in the world in less than ten years, and even if he dies now, he will not have any regrets.But K did not choose to die.For the sake of the child, but also for me, she still insisted on living.

"K, do you hate me?"

K nodded, and said seriously: "Hate. Sometimes I even think that you will be quiet when you die."

I have experienced the pain of losing relatives many times. The eldest sister in the family died at the age of 26, my father died at the age of 53, the youngest brother died at the age of 16, and the third brother lived until the age of 27.The 34-year-old sister who was ranked after the third brother this year is also gone.The nephew was 25 years old when he died, and the cousin was 21 years old.This year, those people who I had a close relationship with were gone.

Anyway, everyone has to die, so it's better to speak clearly now. Although I can't do anything, I can at least sit down and have a good talk.Even if it's just a word or a little bit of chatting, it's fine.Follow me and have fun.If you still feel that there is no hope in life, no, even if there is no hope, you can't die alone, if you want to die, die together.Abandoned people are really poor.You know, how deep is the love of abandoned people?

This is why K is alive.

In the late fall of this year, I went to K in a plaid cap.After three whistles, K came out from behind the wooden door.

"How much will it cost this time?"

"It's not about the money this time."

K looked sideways at me.

"wanna die?"

"Ah."

K bit his lip lightly.

"Every year, it seems that there are times when I can't keep going. It should be because of the cold winter. Don't you wear a cape? You don't even wear shoes."

"It is said that this is more tasteful."

"Who did you hear that from?"

I sighed softly and said, "No one."

K also sighed.

"Didn't you find the right person?"

I smiled and said, "I want to go on a trip and be with you."

K looked serious and nodded at me.

I know K will take me on a trip.The kid wanted to die, and he couldn't be allowed to succeed.

In the middle of the night, the two of us got on the steam locomotive.For some reason, K and I were relieved when the locomotive started.

"How about the novel?"

"I can't write it."

In the dark night, the locomotive rattled.

"Have a cigarette."

K opened the handbag and took out three different foreign cigarettes.

I once wrote a novel in which the hero smoked a foreign cigarette before he died. The smell of the cigarette was mellow and strong, so the hero gave up the idea of ​​dying. K has read the novel.

My face turned red instantly.But I still pretended to be calm and tasted the three cigarettes.

K bought some sandwiches in Yokohama.

"Do you want to eat something?"

K gulped down the bread, deliberately pretending to be very hungry.

"Although I only said these few words, it still made everyone feel painful. This kind of pain seems to have no meaning. It is better to smile and not speak. But I am a writer, and a writer is born to speak, otherwise I feel I can’t live. Alas, it’s actually very hard. I can’t even love a flower sincerely. I really can’t bear it and can only smell a faint fragrance. So I quickly folded the flower, pulled the petals off and crushed them. At this moment I couldn't bear it any longer, and burst into tears. Then I stuffed the petals into my mouth, chewed them up and spit them out, trampled them under my feet, and then couldn't restrain the urge to commit suicide. Recently I had an idea, maybe I Not human at all. Could I be Satan? Killing stone? Poisonous mushroom? No, no, I'm a man, so don't call me Yoshida Goten."

"That's not accurate." The expression on K's face was serious.

"K You hate me because I'm smooth and thoughtful. Well, you believe in my strong qualities and appreciate my talents, but you don't know how hard I work, and you don't know how much I put behind my back. It's like Peel off the skin of the scallion layer by layer, but in the end there is nothing. Can you understand the sadness of this monkey? Seeing one and loving the other means loving no one.”

K pulled my sleeve and motioned me to keep my voice down, because my voice was much higher than ordinary people.

I smiled and said to her: "This also includes my fate."

We get off at Tangheyuan.

"No matter how much you say, it's not the truth." K said while wearing the inn's Heshi cotton robe, "Do you think the blue horizontal stripes on the cotton robe are very beautiful?"

"Hmm. Are you still thinking about the scallions you just said?" I felt very sleepy.

"That's right." K changed his clothes and sat next to me, "Do you believe in this moment? You don't believe it."

K glanced at me with a girlish smile on his face.

"I know very well that Setsuna is not anyone's fault, and I don't need anyone to take responsibility." I sat on the cushion with an upright posture, arms crossed in front of my chest, like a gentleman, "For me, this is not pleasant The thing that is trustworthy in this world is only the moment before death, only that moment is the purest. But the happy moment in the world..."

"Afraid of what's next?"

K shouted.

"In the end, there is really no way to deal with the aftermath. In an instant, the fireworks bloom, but the body remains forever. If the body can die with the beautiful aurora, it can still get a little redemption, but this is very difficult to do."

"No promise."

"I don't like words very much now. People say everything. About the moment, you should ask the momentists. They will not only tell you with words, but also let you feel it. Everyone is proud of their craftsmanship. And proud, in fact, this is just adding fun to life. Either live in the memories of the past, or give this life to the present moment, or live with full expectations for the future. Maybe human beings start to distinguish between stupidity and wisdom. "

"Are you stupid?"

"Don't tell me, K. I'm neither stupid nor wise. We're in a worse position at the moment."

"Say it!"

"Middle class."

Still a poor middle class.The two of them recalled the sinful past and felt very disappointed, so they got up and took their handkerchiefs and hurried to the big bath downstairs.

We vowed in silence not to talk about our painful past and our fears for the future, let alone the situation at home or our own suffering.People's schemes cannot be spoken, and yesterday's shame cannot be spoken.At this moment full of human feelings, K and I embarked on a journey.We secretly prayed in our hearts, at least at this moment, the two of us can wash our bodies quietly.

"K, I have a cecum scar right here on my belly."

K glanced at it and smiled gently like a mother.

"Although K's legs are very long, do you think my legs are even longer? If you buy ready-made pants, they won't be enough for me. Sigh, I'm such a troublesome person, troublesome in every way."

K looked out the window at the dark night.

"Are there good and bad things in the world?"

"Good or bad?" I read after her.

"Is it raining outside?" K suddenly listened to the voice outside the window.

"This is the sound of water flowing. There is a small river in the valley, which flows under the mountain. The window of this bathing place is full of red leaves, which can be seen in the early morning. And from here, you can see the towering mountains. The mountains stand in front of you, which makes people feel Shock."

"Do you come here often?"

"Come here once."

"Come here to seek death?"

"Yes."

"Did you take a tour at that time?"

"No."

"What about tonight?" K deliberately pretended not to know.

I smiled and said, "Could this be the good and bad things you said? I thought..."

"what?"

I gritted my teeth and said, "I thought you would die with me."

This time it was K's turn to laugh: "Have you ever heard of evil doing good?"

Slowly walking up the stairs of the bathing place, thinking about every step, good and bad things, bad good things, good bad things, bad good things, endless loop.

We called an entertainer.

"The two of us are a dangerous combination. Maybe we will die because of love, so don't sleep tonight and watch over us. If the god of death comes, then drive him away." K said seriously.

"No problem. If there is an unavoidable situation, the three of them can still die together."

The three of us started playing paper twister.This kind of game is to light the paper, say the name of the specified object before the fire is extinguished, and pass it on to the people around you.Games that don't do anything.here we go.

"A broken clog."

"A horse that can't walk."

"Broken shamisen."

"A camera that can't take pictures."

"A plane that can't fly."

"and also……"

"hurry up."

"the truth."

"Ok?"

"the truth."

"It's really old-fashioned. Then I say bear with it."

"The difficulty has been upgraded. 'Hard work'."

"Motivated."

"decadent."

"The weather the day before yesterday."

"Myself," said K.

"Well... I also say myself." The fire was extinguished in the artist's hands.

"This is too difficult." The artist completely relaxed.

"K, are you kidding? The truth, self-motivation, and myself are useless. As long as you live in this world, even a person like me will try to live a glamorous life. K, you are an idiot."

K also began to argue: "Then please go back. Do you want the world to see your seriousness and your serious pain?"

Artists are not very beautiful.

"I'll go back to Tokyo. Give me the money, and I'll go back right away." I got up and took off my cotton robe.

K looked up at me and cried.The traces of a smile can still be seen on the face.

I didn't want to leave, but no one asked to keep me.Alas, let's just die.I changed my clothes and put on my socks.

Out of the inn, I strode up to run.

I stopped on the bridge and looked at the white river under the bridge.I feel like an idiot.idiot?That's right, idiots.

"I'm sorry." K said, standing quietly behind me.

"Even if you are pitiful to others, you must know how to be pitiful just right." After I finished speaking, I cried.

When we returned to the inn, the beds had already been made, and there were two of them.I took a dose of barbiturates and pretended to fall asleep.After a while, K quietly got up and took another dose.

I slept until noon the next day, and K opened a canopy in the corridor before I got up.it's raining outside.

I also got up and got off the bath alone without talking to K.

I swam around in the spacious bathhouse, and kept telling myself in my heart that what happened last night is over, what happened last night is over.

Crawling out of the bathhouse, I opened the window and looked at the white river below.

A hand was on my shoulder. K stood naked behind me.

"Look, there's a wagtail over there." K pointed to the little bird jumping on the rocks by the river bank. Didn't take humans seriously at all."

I was just thinking about this.

K slid in along the edge of the bath.

"What a beautiful red leaf."

"Last night..." I was a little confused.

"Did you sleep well?" K said casually, his eyes were as clear as lake water.

With a crash, I jumped up from the bathhouse and said, "As long as K lives, I won't die."

"Isn't it bad to be a middle class?"

"I don't feel good. My interests are in loneliness, hardship, gratitude, and I've been living my life centered on myself."

"When I heard other people's rumors, I thought I was in it too." K stood up abruptly, walked out of the bathhouse, and hurriedly wiped off the water on his body.

"Rich people go to heaven," halfway through the joke, he was whipped. "Ordinary people seem to find it difficult to be happy."

K sat in the salon drinking tea.

Maybe it was raining and the salon was packed.

I sat next to K on a chair where I could see the mountains, and said, "I'll give you a present after this trip ends safely."

"Cross." K whispered.Her neck was very slender and looked frail.

"Milk." I waved at the waitress, "Are you still mad at me? I said those things for you to see. Maybe, I have a little stage poisoning. If I don't make such a fuss one day, You can't live. Even sitting here is acting."

"What about love?"

"I have holes in my socks, I am very concerned about this, and I have also experienced the night of broken love."

"What do you think I look like?" K brought his face closer to me.

"What?" I asked, frowning.

"Does it look good?" She was like a stranger meeting for the first time, "Does it look young?"

I wanted to punch her in the face.

"K, can't you be more humane? Listen carefully, you are a good wife and mother, and I am a bad boy, a scum and a scum."

"Only you..." The waitress brought the milk, "Oh, thank you."

"To be in pain is to desire freedom, to be happy is also to desire freedom." I took a sip of milk.

"But I have both sides, so I am not free."

I sigh deeply.

"K, which of the five or six people do you think is better?"

Behind him were four young men who looked like hotel workers playing mahjong, and next to them were two middle-aged men who were drinking whiskey and soda while reading newspapers.

K looked at the mist passing by the mountain, and said slowly: "The man in the middle."

Looking back, a young man is standing in the middle of the salon, with his hands in his arms, looking at the chrysanthemum arrangement in the right corner of the entrance.

"It's very difficult to put the chrysanthemums in place." K has a great status in a certain school of ikebana.

"Ah, he's very old. And that guy's profile looks like Akisuke! Hamlet." The brother often sculpted and died at the age of 27.

K said shyly, "I don't know many men."

Extra, extra!
Nine days after the incident, No.80, the waitress gave everyone a special number.The siege of Shanghai has been formed, and the enemy has been defeated and retreated steadily.

K glanced at the outside.

"Which kind are you?"

"Type C."

"I'm Type A." K laughed out loud, startling me, "I'm looking at the shape of the raindrops, not the mountains. These raindrops have their own personalities, there are bean-sized raindrops that fall directly to the ground, and fine raindrops Thin raindrops are falling in streaks, some are falling in a straight line, and some are drifting away with the wind..."

K and I were both tired and had no strength left.When I returned to Atami from Tangheyuan that day, it was already dusk, and every house was lit with dim lights, which made people feel uneasy.

When we came to the inn, we wanted to go for a walk before dinner, so we walked to the beach with two public umbrellas borrowed from the inn.The sea was rolling in the rain, and looking at the splashing water, I felt a chill.

Looking back, I saw the street lights dotted.

K stopped and said to me: "Do you still remember that when I was a child, I used a needle to poke small holes in postcards, and the light from the oil lamp passed through the small holes and turned into neon lights and sprinkled on the aquarium, forests and warships?"

"I've seen such a landscape on a slide before, it looked blurry." I pretended to be confused.

We walked along the seaside road. "It's cold. You should take a bath before you come out."

"We don't have to ask for anything."

"That's right, Dad already gave it to us."

K knelt down to wipe the mud off his feet, and said, "I can understand your feeling of wanting to die."

"Why can't we live on our own?" I was as naive as a twelve or thirteen-year-old child, "Even if we open a fish shop."

"Everyone treats us like a treasure, and even has some bad intentions. No one will let us do this."

"That's right. I wanted to do some nasty things, but everyone just laughed..." The figure of a fisherman appeared in his eyes, "It's better to fish all your life and live like an idiot."

"That's no good, you know too well what fish think."

The two smiled at each other.

"I am Satan. Anyone who loves me will not end well. You should be clear."

"I don't feel that way. Nobody hates you. Bad taste in disguise."

"Naive?"

"Well, it's the same as the stele in the imperial palace." A stone stele of a golden Yaksha stood beside the road.

"Let me tell you the simplest story. Listen, K., it's my truth. I..."

"I know what you're going to say."

"Really?"

"I know everything, and I also know that I am the child of my concubine."

"K, we..."

"Ah! It's dangerous." K protected me by his side.

K's umbrella rolled into the wheels of the wheel and creaked.Along with the sound, K's body entered.She is like a white straight line drawn when swimming, and the wheels are spinning constantly.

"Stop! Stop!"

I feel like I've been beaten with a sap.The bus finally stopped, and I angrily kicked the side of the bus. K is an unfortunate woman. She is lying under the bus, as beautiful as a lisianthus flower that has been beaten by rain.

"Don't touch her."

I hugged the fainted K and burst into tears.

I carried K to a nearby hospital, and K cried softly and said it hurt.

K only stayed in the hospital for two days before being taken back by his family.They went back by car, and I went back by train alone.

K's injury is not very serious, and the condition is getting better every day.

I went to Shimbashi on business three days ago, and stopped by Ginza on my way back.I suddenly saw a silver cross in a shop window, but instead of buying it, I bought a bronze ring on the shelf.That night, I had a few pennies left in my pocket, which I had just received from the magazine.The bronze ring was decorated with a daffodil, a flower carved from yellow stone.I gave the bronze ring to K.

K sent me a photo of her soon-to-be three-year-old daughter in return.I saw this photo this morning.

(End of this chapter)