Meet you in the most beautiful years

Chapter 36 Love Is As Deep As Suffering (2)
Contempt and humiliation are nothing, the most difficult thing is hunger.It was dark, and it was raining and snowing outside, and Saburo was still running around, like a never-ending ostrich, until he found money and food for the chicks in the nest before returning home in peace; The hotel fights hunger.The waiter held up a tray and knocked on her door: "Do you include dinner?" The meatloaf, golden fried sweet potatoes and soft bread on the tray exuded a tempting aroma.She was even hungrier, but she could only close the door, counting the minutes and waiting for her Lang Hua to come home.

"Are you hungry?"

I almost cried, I said: "I'm not hungry." In order to bow my head, my face almost touched the cold soles of his feet.

His clothes were completely soaked, so I went to the side of the road to buy steamed buns.On the bare wooden table, the teeth brushing jar was steaming, and the tooth brushing jar accompanied us to finish the steamed buns.Now that the steamed buns are finished, it seems that the copper coins on the table will also be eaten. He asked me:

"Is it enough?"

I said, "Enough." I asked him, "Is it enough?"

He also said, "Enough is enough."

The accordion next door sings, does it sing about the pain of life?The accordion sings desolately!

——(Xiao Hong's Snowy Sky)
At night, hunger wakes her up.Before dawn, "Leba circles" (Russians call bread "Leba") are already hung on the doors of other people in the hotel aisle.Under the dim night light, the "Leba circle" beckons her in front of other people's doors in the aisle.She couldn't help opening the door gently, thinking of stealing.

I hugged my chest tightly, hung my head on my chest, and said to myself: "I'm hungry, I'm not stealing!"

The second time I also opened the door, this time I was determined!Steal as you please, even if it is a few "reba circles", I will steal, for my "hungry" and for his "hungry".

——(Xiao Hong's "Hungry")
She opened the door again and again, and closed it again and again.Hunger and self-esteem were fighting, and in the end she retreated to the room and chose to compromise with self-esteem.

Only hunger and cold, no youthful years, consuming two young lives. "Lang Hua hasn't come back yet, what should I feed my stomach? Can the table be eaten? Can the straw mattress be eaten?" The postpartum weak body is like an open field, filled with cold wind, hunger, and pain.

A month later, Lang Hua finally negotiated a job as a tutor, teaching a boy Mandarin Chinese and martial arts every morning and evening, on the condition that the other party provide free accommodation, which is offset by two pairs of tuition fees.

So, they have a new home.No. 25, Daoli Shangshi Street, a small house with a courtyard, although it does not belong to them, it has extraordinary meaning to them.Although life is also hungry and cold, it is brand new.There is no ceremony, no witnesses from relatives and friends. They cherish each other and regard this place as their newlywed residence.At Europa Hotel, she once said "Lang Hua, my lover, he was still my lover at that time". Starting from Shangshi Street, they changed from lovers to couples.

The glass windows were slowly forming frost again, and no matter whether people or dogs passed by the windows, they could not recognize them clearly.

Aren't we newlyweds?He said this very loudly, and the cup of boiling water under his lips made a small round wave.He put down his glass, spread some white salt on the brown bread and sent it down his throat.Probably because the bread was no longer in his throat, he said:
"Isn't this exactly a honeymoon!"

"Yes, yes." I smiled.

He hurriedly took another piece of black bread, coated it with a little white salt, and imitated the honeymoon in the movie, and put the salt-coated "Leba" into my mouth first, I bit it, and then he ate it.There must have been too much salt, and the tip of his tongue felt unpleasant, so he hurried to drink water:

"No, no, another honeymoon like this will kill you."

After all, salt is not butter, and it doesn't feel sweet or fragrant at all. I sat next to it and laughed.

——(Xiao Hong's "Black Leba and White Salt")
The couple in distress who have been wandering for a long time finally have a free harbor. This small house is neither gorgeous nor warm, but they no longer have to be evicted and insulted like wild dogs because they can’t pay the rent, and they don’t need to see the owner’s opinion. His eyes swallowed, like a rascal living under the fence.This joy made them have infinite longing for the future. It's great to be alive and in love.

A mouthful of mud, a mouthful of grass... My lover and I have finally built a home!No matter under whose roof this home is built, how long its lifespan will last, we have not taken care of this.My task is to fly and fly... to find food to eat, so that a sick one waiting in the nest can be strengthened!I don't care about the goshawks that hover in the sky all day long and whistle, and I don't care about the archers who shoot chaffinches for fun.

——(Xiao Jun "For Love's Sake")
This text is really warm, warm to the bottom of my heart.I even think that, among all the articles about his memories of Xiao Hong's life, this passage is the most tender.He has a heroic complex, like a hero of the last days, he does not shed tears easily, and never gives up and compromises lightly. His bones are hard, his edges and corners are hard, and even his style of acting is also hard, but only an inch of softness is left In his heart, lives the woman he loves.

However, the days of the commercial street are a living reality.No matter how warm love is, in winter, it can't melt the ice wall of reality.

There was frost and snow outside.The harsh winter in Harbin is so cold, the biting cold is as unbearable as the pain, and it spreads all over the body, as if even the bones have undergone a petrification reaction.The sequelae left after childbirth and the lesions formed by long-term weakness are revealed together at this time.Abdominal pain, which would attack from time to time, took turns with cold and hunger.

She wants to learn to be a lovely housewife, cook and wash for her lover, and wait quietly for him to come home.This is a sweet thing, but it is filled with helplessness.

Putting your hands on the iron stove will not keep you warm, and even a single spark in the stove will be extinguished.My stomach hurts, I want to go to bed and lie down, where is the bed!How dare you approach an iron bar like ice!

I'm hungry, I'm cold, I have a stomachache, Lang Hua hasn't come back yet, how impatient I am!I don't even have a watch, and I don't even know the time.What a dull, lonely home!I was as lonely and isolated as a duck in a well.

——(Xiao Hong's "Moving")
In order to live, to make the sick one in the nest stronger, Sanlang is like a hardworking swallow, flying tirelessly, searching, tired and busy.In addition to teaching the landlord's son in the morning and evening, he went out every night, walking five miles in the biting cold wind and working as another tutor.Naiying guards the cold room, and sometimes stands in the corridor for a long time, waiting for her lover to come home with eagerness.Whenever the landlord's daughter wears warm and fashionable leather clothes and high leather boots passing by loudly all the way, she will even turn her head enviously: "Ah! Waiting for your Lang Hua again! He goes out, you wait every day He is such a wonderful couple!"

She couldn't bear Saburo's running around day and night, and when her health improved a little, she wanted to get a job as an advertising assistant in a movie theater through an acquaintance.On the day she went out without telling him, San Lang searched for her several times but failed to find her. His worry and anxiety made him almost collapse.When they came back at night, they quarreled and cried again.In his distress, Saburo got drunk, rolled on the floor and muttered: "As soon as I saw a job, I didn't care about anything and ran away. If I have a job, I don't want my lover!" What a sad confession.

However, when they got up early the next day, the two of them still went to draw an advertisement for a day together.But on the third day, the cinema hired someone else.The dream of an advertiser, they only dreamed it for one day.

These poor days were the most loving time for the two of them.When he was happy, he gave her many cute nicknames: little sparrow, little seal, little goose...you can call her whatever you want, and every sound is the accumulation of love.

Little sparrow——means that she has a thin calf, can't run fast, and when she runs, her two toes turn inward.

Little seal—meaning that when she yawned when she was sleepy, tears would come to her two big eyes, just like a little seal.

Gosling--it describes her, when she encounters something astonishing or happy, her two hands will be separated left and right, like a frightened gosling or penguin!
——(Xiao Jun's "Xiao Hongshu Brief Collection and Annotation Record")
She doesn't show weakness either.They went to the "Bad City" to buy second-hand goods together. Saburo put a "four-eared" hat on his head, and in an instant, her Saburo became a cute little animal.

Immediately he became like a kitten... He put his left and right ears down again, and immediately I saw him like a puppy again.Anyway, he wore a hat like that, not like a kitten, but like a puppy.

——(Xiao Hong's "Buying a Leather Hat")
Although poor, because of love, spiritual joy seems to make life gradually better.They got acquainted with many friends in the literary and art circles, and quickly integrated into them. They became frequent visitors of the painter Feng Yongqiu's "Dawn of the Cows", and often held gatherings with a group of left-wing progressives.

When they were studying in their early years, they had received the enlightenment of national liberation, and they were all progressive young people who advocated the anti-Japanese war. Saburo came to Harbin because of the failure of organizing the anti-Japanese rebel army. The fulfillment and joy of returning to the team. Around 1933, they participated in the anti-Japanese group "Star Troupe" formed by Luo Feng and Shu Qun. In the play, they played the role of promoting anti-Japanese.Later, although some members were arrested by the pseudo-secret agencies and the troupe was forced to disband, their lives have been given a new meaning.

She was lucky to meet Saburo.This luck not only saves her from fire and water, not only gives her warmth and love, but also discovers her talent, thus creating a famous female writer who is famous in the literary world.

Around the time when she participated in left-wing cultural activities, Saburo began to encourage her to create.They first fell in love with a little poem of hers. At that time in Dongxingshun Hotel, her spiritual talent, fresh and moving like Asakusa in spring, attracted him like a magnet. He made an instant decision: stay with her Be by her side, rescue her, and go through trouble with her.

Her words are born with pure and moving power.The feeling he felt when he read it for the first time can be described as amazing. After two years, after sharing weal and woe, Saburo has a more rational understanding of her talent.With Bole's eyes and self-confidence, he encouraged her to write, like encouraging a young swallow to take a test flight.

In the spring of 1933, under the pseudonym of Whispering, she published her debut novel "Abandoned Children", which is a sad portrayal of herself.She uncovered the painful scab in her heart, and recounted it word by word for others to see.Many of her works in the future followed this pathos, without artificiality or pretentious groaning, one by one exposed there, simple and sad.

She moved herself and also touched the heartstrings of readers.From then on, she never took anything away, and began to travel far on the road of literature.

Escape from "Manchuria"

October 1933, Harbin in autumn.

Saburo and Naiying have picked the first fruit on the road of literature.With the help of their friend Shu Qun, their collection of short stories "Trek", signed by San Lang and Yin Yin, was published at Harbin's "Wu Ri Pictorial" at their own expense, including six novels by San Lang and five novels by Naiying.

In the post-occupation Northeast China, shrouded in terror, it was as solemn and silent as stagnant water. The publication of "Trek" is a ray of light that suddenly appeared in the dark scene. Those unyielding singing and shouting lit up a window of light in the dark night before the rainstorm, and became a strong and warm guide for countless people.

Under the protection of Saburo, Qingyin, the first female writer of new literature in the Northeast literary world, is on the verge of a new life.

The most outstanding writers at that time were Tang Sanlang and his wife. Since their novel collection "Trek" was published, not only in North Manchuria, but also in the entire Manchurian literary world, it has received rave reviews from readers.

...Whispering's novels seem to be better than Saburo in a certain way. "The Death of Mrs. Wang" and "Advertising Assistant" are both very good works. As for the author's clean and meticulous description, they are also quite unique. place.

——(Wang Qiuying's "Traces of New Manchurian Literature")
However, two months later, this collection was seized and confiscated by the Japanese and puppet ruling authorities, and horrible rumors about this book were heard from time to time.What's even more frightening is that when they went out one day, they found that they were being followed, and there were military police everywhere on the street.After returning to the residence and closing the door, the two huddled together under the dim candles to pack up the boxes. They flipped through every book, for fear of leaving evidence of anti-Japanese resistance. Even a photo of Gorky was thrown into the big furnace and burned to ashes. .

After the inspection, she was relaxed and sat down, thinking that there was no trace left behind——she casually played with a piece of blotting paper, but inadvertently found a line of writing in red pencil on the blotting paper: Little Japan, Running dog, fucking "Manchukuo"!She broke out in shock, and without hesitation threw the expensive blotting paper into the stove.

A copy of "History of Revolutions in the World", she stood up nervously and wanted to take it and burn it.Saburo held her down and said, "Are you crazy? Are you crazy?" She fell silent until the lights were turned off and she fell asleep with her eyes wide open, listening to the wind outside the house and the dogs barking in the yard. sound and all the little noises.

Lang Hua pressed my chest...my chest that can't speak.The iron gate rang, and I jumped.

"Don't be afraid, what do we have? There is nothing. Don't take the rumors too seriously. Damn it, it's the day you catch it! Go to sleep, if you don't get enough sleep, you'll have a headache tomorrow..."

He holds my chest.Like a child awakened from a nightmare, his heart was beating wildly under his mother's hands.

—— (Xiao Hong's "The Theater Troupe")
The situation in Harbin is becoming more and more urgent.But Saburo is always a tenacious lion. "It's nothing. It's not okay to be afraid of wolves and tigers. It doesn't matter what you have to encounter these days." He said it easily, but the shadow of terror is still getting closer and closer.Members of the theater troupe disappeared one after another, and there were always people whispering in their ears, "Who was arrested by the gendarmerie the night before?" It has been reduced to a slaughterhouse for invaders.

Fleeing was included in their plan.

In the tense situation at that time, for the two anti-Japanese progressive literary youths, there was no wiser way to go except to escape.Later, the news from Harbin confirmed how rational this was: only a week after leaving Harbin, Luo Feng was arrested and imprisoned; Tortured and brutally killed.

For everything that happened on this land, apart from grief and indignation, I can no longer breathe the air of freedom.The peaceful life in the past has disappeared under the colonial rule of the Japanese army and the puppet Manchukuo.

This is home, from birth to eternity, always.But as long as the puppet Manchukuo exists for a day, it will be their hell.

In May 1934, Shu Qun, a friend who fled to Qingdao earlier, wrote a letter inviting them to take refuge in Qingdao. In the early morning of June 5, they ate their last breakfast at their residence in Shangshi Street, and finally left the familiar Harbin with simple luggage, and went into exile far away.

I carry a bag.Lang Hua said: "Let's go!" He opened the door.

This is just like when Lang Hua first moved to this house and said: "Go in", the door opened and I came out, my legs were shaking, my heart sank, I couldn't help the tears that never fell, it was time to cry up!Should shed tears.

I walked out the gate without turning my head once, and left the house!Streetcars, pedestrians, small shops, poplar trees beside the sidewalk.Turn the corner!

Say goodbye to "Commercial Street"!
A small bundle hangs in his hand.We went south along Central Avenue.

——(Xiao Hong's "The Last Week")
How sad she is.The homeland is hard to leave, not to mention her sad and warm childhood, the humiliation and misfortune of her growth, the ups and downs of her emotions, her longing and awakening of ideals, and her dear grandfather buried in the hometown, as well as her and Saburo. Love and dependence in adversity, and so many past events intertwined with sweetness and suffering...all become untouchable memories in this farewell.

After that, until the last breath of her life, she never had a chance to return home.

She spent her short life in exile. A few years later, she lay on a hospital bed in Hong Kong and said to Luo Binji, who was guarding her: "Now I am going to surrender in front of my father. I have failed miserably. I have thrown away my armor." Life At the last moment, this woman in exile, with deep nostalgia for her homeland, forgave her father's previous arrogance.In the heart and soul of a suffering child, the heart-rending affection for the homeland thousands of miles away is filled.

On the 1941th anniversary of "September [-]th" in [-], the ill female writer Xiao Hong wrote her last work "A Letter to the Northeast Compatriots in Exile".

When the moon is almost full every autumn, our hearts are always filled with sorrow.I think of the glossy green leaves of sorghum, my white-haired mother or my young relatives.

……

How wonderful is my hometown!The land is wide, the food is plentiful, there is the yellowest gold, and there is the brightest coal, the dove flies above the gatehouse, and the rooster crows under the willow tree.Herds of horses came across the field, and soybeans rolled over the railway like a tide.

——(Xiao Hong's "Letter to the Northeast Compatriots in Exile")
However, such a beautiful impression only stays in the memory before the fall of the Northeast.When she and Saburo boarded the "Dalian Maru" ship and sailed to Qingdao, there was only aggression and suffering in this land.

On June 6th, with love and two happy hearts, they set foot on the land of Daocheng.Saburo later recalled the state of mind at this time: "With a heart like a bird; a love like a fire! Set foot on the coast of the motherland; into the mother's bosom!"

Although the way forward is unknown, they finally escaped from "Manchuria", and their lives in turmoil and terror are finally far away.A whole new world of life awaits them.

Why doesn't life have a bell?

How can I feel lost without you.

(End of this chapter)