Smart Women Should Read Men's Psychology: Secrets Men Don't Want You to Know

Chapter 30 The man in "The Besieged City" makes you happy and makes you worry (1)
People have many metaphors for marriage, such as tombs, sand, mountain climbing, porcelain, etc., but Qian Zhongshu only compares marriage to a "besieged city": people in the city want to go outside the city, and people outside the city want to enter. to town.It can be said that this is the most basic psychology of men for marriage.If you are a woman who has been "besieged" or is about to be "besieged" into a "city", you must want to know what the man around you is thinking?Don't worry, there are answers in this article.

one.today you are going to marry him

I heard that you are getting married, here are some "advice" to tell you.Perhaps, your mother, grandma, aunt, sister, and aunt have said these words no less than 1000 times, but you still have to listen to them again, which will benefit you in the future!Why do you act like you don't answer? It's not to persuade you to break up. I just want you to know more about him before getting married, and make full psychological preparations for marriage, so that you will get happiness after marriage.

Marriage, men don't want beautiful women
Generally speaking, it is around the age of 30 that men become strongly aware of marriage, which has a lot to do with their growth process.In the first four or five years of entering society, men can often drink and complain with alumni or colleagues to relieve fatigue. However, as they grow older, a status gap gradually develops between them.Especially after the age of 30, the outstanding and the mediocre will be divided into two groups.In this way, even if they were once heart-to-heart friends, they have to be bound by new social relationships. This relationship may be a competitor relationship, or it may be a hierarchical relationship between superiors and subordinates.So, the man wants to find a woman to marry.

So, what kind of woman will a man who enters the marriage stage usually choose as a marriage partner?In the past, people believed that most men would regard appearance and figure as the primary conditions, and the more beautiful a woman is, the more popular she is with men.In fact, this is a misunderstanding, and many men do not value appearance so much when they get married.In fact, those women who, despite their ordinary appearance, are willing to do housework, have a good temper, and love themselves sincerely are the first choice for men.

The complexity of real life has caused men to deviate between sensibility and rationality when it comes to marriage and love: they pursue passion and sexiness when they are in love, and rely on reason and reality when they get married.Among ordinary company employees, there have always been popular sayings such as "a good wife makes a success" and "a good wife can make a difference".For example, when inviting friends from the company to play at home or to visit the boss, a man hopes that his wife will be generous and make a good impression on others.

In short, men who have been strictly trained in society do not always have unrealistic dreams about marriage like women do, but observe their surroundings with calm eyes and find suitable objects for themselves.One thing that must be noted is that some men often say one thing when they are in love, but they do another thing in real life.Especially in terms of whether the fiancée can live in harmony with his parents and whether he can take care of the family seriously, men are often very conservative.In reality, there are not a few cases where the marriage contract is terminated due to the objection of the parents. In contrast, men are more concerned about the evaluation and reaction of the people around them.They will feel that even if they marry a certain woman despite their parents' opposition, they will have a hard time being caught between their parents and their wives.

This conservative and realistic mentality of men has a lot to do with the social roles they play.Having a well-rounded woman as a wife is very beneficial for personal development.The boss's words of praise such as "Your wife is pretty good" are not only a compliment to his wife, but also imply affirmation of his taste as a husband.Out of various considerations, when men choose their wives, they generally believe that ordinary-looking but educated women are far better than those who are only attractive in appearance.

In addition, men do not want to marry beautiful women, and there is another hidden psychology, that is, the concept that "a man who marries a beautiful wife becomes worthless".They believe that if a man marries a beautiful wife, he is doomed to be a failure in his life.Of course, this is not without reason.

Beautiful women often have a sense of superiority, thinking that a man who marries her is a "high climber", so after marriage, he requires his husband to take care of her in every possible way, and do everything possible to satisfy her endless, even unrealistic desires.In this way, for fear of neglecting the beautiful wife, the man will respond to her every request and be obedient, and almost become her vassal. Naturally, he will not have much energy to spend on his career, and the result will be mediocrity and no achievement.This actually created a potential crisis for his wife to leave him. Isn't it "losing his wife and losing his army"?
Moreover, after a man marries a beautiful wife, he puts himself in the position of a "wife-guarding slave", worrying that she will attract others and empathize with others.On the one hand, he will feel very proud, on the other hand, he will also feel inexplicable anxiety from time to time. He will be very worried because he is worried that she will leave him one day, so his thoughts on work will be greatly reduced.

In short, compared with women, men treat marriage more realistically. Among the factors that prompt them to decide to marry, there are more realistic things than love. Therefore, they often put women's appearance in a very low position.

The Bigger the Engagement Ring, the Hollower the Marriage
A well-known expert on gender issues in China once put forward a famous equation: the bigger the diamond engagement ring, the more empty the marriage relationship.It means that the more traditional the relationship between husband and wife, the more empty the interactive function between the man and the woman, and the more it needs to be filled by conventions.

The so-called routine is to engage in some predictable and mandatory "must do" things, under which personal feelings are secondary.Like giving birthday presents or celebrating Mother's Day, whether you want to or not, do it anyway.

Usually, the routines of both men and women are formed during the courtship.For example, they dress up to go out to restaurants, he drives the car, and she sits "obediently" beside him; he pays the bill, and she makes him feel very honorable.Gradually, meals have to be at a specific time, goodnight kisses are required when saying goodbye, two people have to like a certain TV series, go to the supermarket together on Saturday morning, go to church on Sunday, and some have to take walks together every day.

In this way, if the routine is accidentally violated on a certain day, it will cause unpleasantness on both sides.For example, a husband can get angry if dinner is late or if the wife doesn't want to make out at the scheduled time.She can also be very upset when a husband forgets to kiss his wife at the door when he leaves the house, or does not want to go to her natal house on Sunday afternoon.As a result, these little things might even lead to an argument.The party who fails to live up to the routine is forced to feel guilty, and the party who is "rejected" feels ostracized and resentful.

In addition, convention can also form a kind of domineering force, both parties will be oppressed by this force, and the resistance and disgust surrounding the routine "should" will also appear indirectly.For example, if a wife feels "should" during sex, she may get angry at any time because of a little unsatisfactory little thing.The husband comes home on time for dinner at 6:[-] pm, but he would rather be somewhere else in his heart, so his antipathy may come in the form of indifference, absent-mindedness, forgetfulness, silence at the dinner table, or sudden tantrums. Performance.

The trepidation before marriage, the blues after childbirth, the gloom at Thanksgiving, the sadness at Christmas, and even the outbursts of rage at a wedding anniversary can all be manifestations of a long-suppressed rebellion behind routine.These are all natural releases to prevent guilt, not the affectionate outpouring of true joy in the relationship between the sexes.

Studies have found that a considerable percentage of women express disappointment when recalling their honeymoon years later.Making love, going in and out together, and being "intimate" to each other in various ways are all part of the rituals that newlyweds must do or "duty".If you try to suppress feelings of resistance, boredom, or conflict in your mind, you must create great pressure.Therefore, it is very common for one or both parties to drink too much alcohol or feel unwell during the honeymoon to shorten the honeymoon trip.

The honeymoon period for newlyweds is filled with too many routines and expectations, and small missteps can lead to sudden and totally unprepared anger outbursts, such as "Why did you throw the dirty towel in the bathtub", "Why are you talking to that woman?" (or men) chatted so hard", "you don't hold my hand when you watch a movie", "you should at least ask me what I want to drink before you order wine" and other words came out.

In short, the more extreme the roles of masculinity and femininity in a couple, the less interesting their daily lives will be.Therefore, they also need more routine behavior to support each other's relationship; conversely, the more both parties choose each other as a permanent partner out of genuine love rather than the ability to play a role, the less their relationship will be subject to practice.

As women, what we should recognize is not what kind of routine, but how to deal with it.For example, a couple kissing each other goodnight is originally a passionate expression of joy, but if it is absolutely necessary and there is no choice, it becomes a routine.Only by handling this relationship well can you win a happy life after marriage.

Two Heavens Before and After Marriage

Similar to the words "a man is two people before and after marriage", maybe you have heard calluses in your ears, but the moment you step into the marriage hall with him by holding his arm, you don't want to believe that he will become another person , otherwise you would not have married him.However, unfortunately, he will change, you have to be prepared, otherwise, you will suffer.

Before a man gets married, he is afraid that you will be spotted by others again, causing the duck to his mouth to fly away. Even if he holds the football ticket he has coveted for a long time, he will accompany you to see "Broken Blue Bridge" righteously and awe-inspiringly, and It will also say a lot of words in your ear, such as "the moon represents my heart".Impressed, right?Want to marry him, don't you?The consequence of taking the risk is that you find that the "slave" who closed his eyes and talked about love before marriage suddenly became the "master" who stared and picked faults after marriage.

Those men look at you wholeheartedly before marriage, and concentrate on reading the newspaper after marriage. Of course, the newspaper is changed every day, but your face remains the same.A man is someone who looks for socks under the bed before marriage, and asks his wife for socks after marriage. The method of asking is: "Where did you get my socks?" Is it?" After marriage, he often "boldly assumes": "You absolutely like this thing." The "absolutely like" things include a bottle of foreign wine, a cigarette, and the book he gave you on your birthday—" How to Be a Woman".

You can't learn to drink because he said you "absolutely love" liquor, or learn to smoke because of his assumptions.As for "how to be a woman", you have been working hard since you met him.The mistakes a man makes before marriage are all very cute. He came 10 minutes early for a date and you were half an hour late.He said: "It's okay, I only waited for 5 minutes." The mistakes of a man after marriage are unforgivable.He said to people: "How old is my daughter? Let me calculate, um..." He pointed his fingers again, frowned again, and finally came to the result: "My daughter is 4 years old this year!" Everyone knows that you and He has only been married for 3 years.

There are many advantages for men before marriage: competing to buy tickets when watching movies, rushing to pay for shopping, opening the door for you in a car, ordering food as you go to restaurants, writing love letters to relieve your boredom, saying flattery to make you happy, performing "Is this love not good?" "Yu" series will let you relieve your worries.There are also "benefits" for a man after marriage. He is always absent-minded when he looks at you. The advantage is that it saves you a lot of equipment costs.

Men fully enjoy the privilege of being pampered and pampered at home, drinking tea while reading newspapers or playing video games; their wives mop the floor at their feet, and they are still annoyed and unwilling to lift their feet; they do not do housework at all Well, they still look down on the work their own wives do, pointing fingers, this is wrong, that is wrong.

From time to time, we can see such scenes: women are busy in the kitchen sweating profusely, but men are cheering for the England football team in front of the TV; Planning how to deal with the United States, worrying about how to fight terrorism for the United Nations; when women go out, their left hand is a child, and their right hand is a vegetable basket;

Men think: "I am the head of the family, I want to make money, so of course I have to be served by women. Besides, there are many male presidents and prime ministers in the world, and women who are ministers and governors will be fired by the media." Fire me, I have a better future than her!" What's even more exasperating is that men at this time ignore women's emotional desires and forget that women are emotional animals that need to be pampered...

Seeing this, your expression should change, right?Are you shaken?Back off?In fact, it is not necessary. Marriage is a turning point in his life, and it is also a turning point in your life. As long as you are fully prepared and vaccinated before he starts to change, I believe you can "reform" him. .

Marry a Chinese or a Westerner

With the development of society, the earth has become smaller and smaller, and transnational marriages have become more and more popular, but for China, fewer men marry foreigners, and more women marry foreigners.In the United States, it is rare to see a Western woman pursuing an Eastern man, and it is not uncommon for a Western man to accompany an Eastern woman.

In fact, those Western men who marry Eastern women are often relatively introverted and prefer Eastern culture than other Westerners, but many of them are not "strong" in the world of Western men.In other words, in the East, it is reasonable for an excellent oriental woman to match an excellent oriental man. However, it is not easy for an excellent oriental woman to find an excellent man recognized by Western society—especially among her peers and contemporaries. in the middle of the group.

Besides that, cultural differences should also be considered if you want to marry a western man.Differences are manifestations of multiple forms, and cannot be judged by the boundaries of good and bad, right and wrong.However, if you have conflicts every day because of the differences between the two, and keep running in and trying, you will gradually be defeated in helplessness and fatigue.

The living habits that Western men take for granted in marriage are incomprehensible to Eastern men, and even feel that they are a kind of torture.Westerners regard everyone except husband and wife as outsiders.They take care of their families very much, but when it comes to things that do not belong to them, they behave relatively "businesslike", which is something that many Orientals cannot do.Therefore, Westerners cannot understand the "thousand-year war" between the "father-in-law and daughter-in-law" in the East, because in their world, the father-in-law and daughter-in-law are two families, not one family.

It is understandable for Chinese families to separate for their careers and children. For Westerners, separation is another sense of "running away".Like some states in the United States, there are still laws. If it is proved that the husband and wife have separated for a certain period of time, one party can automatically dissolve the marriage contract.

When Americans fall in love, as long as there is no commitment to marry each other, even if one party dates another person, the other party has nothing to say, otherwise it is unreasonably interfering with other people's freedom of love.In terms of educating children, Westerners pay more attention to their happiness and health, and encourage children to do what they like to do, even if it seems to be a worthless thing with no future.

Of course, it's not that you can't marry an American man, but you have to think about whether you can share a culture with peace of mind after the frenzy of love has passed.What would your American husband do if you pulled him into a circle that all speak "Chinese"?If you only want to cook Chinese food, will he compromise?What if you want to educate your children in the Chinese way of "hoping for success", but he prefers the American style of "letting go"?If... There are many more that you can think of, and many more that you can't predict.

(End of this chapter)