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Chapter 16 The Psychology of Marriage and Love--Turning "Difficult Sutra" into "Happy Sutra" (1)
Love and marriage are the most beautiful words in the world, which bring people not only the turmoil of the soul, but also the experience of emotions.However, due to the differences in gender, psychology and habits of the married couple, it is often impossible to make the road of love and marriage smooth and unimpeded, and various problems arise, which bring a lot of unnecessary troubles and setbacks.Therefore, if you want to obtain perfect love and marriage, you need to understand some psychology of marriage and love, so that you can grasp your own happiness and read the "difficult scriptures" as "happy scriptures".

The Cold War - Mental Violence with No Winners

Cold war means that once conflicts arise between lovers or husbands and wives, both parties will face each other in silence and ignore each other. Cold war sometimes lasts for a few days, and some can last for several days, or even months or years.Although the two live under the same roof, they are like passers-by.

The term "Cold War" was first used by American political commentator Swope in a speech drafted for Senator Baruch.After the end of World War II, the United States adopted a policy of hostility and containment towards the Soviet Union and other socialist countries. Regarding this phenomenon, Baruch said: "The United States is in the midst of the Cold War."Therefore, the term "Cold War" originally meant that the United States and the Soviet Union were in a state of confrontation in economics, politics, military affairs, diplomacy, culture, and ideology, in addition to direct wars.But I don't know when the political term "Cold War" began to be moved to marriage and love families to describe the stalemate between lovers or husbands and wives.

Judging from the outcome of the US-Soviet Cold War that led to the disintegration of the Soviet Union, as long as the two sides insist on mutual intransigence, there will be a winner in the end.And what phenomenon will the cold war between lovers and husbands and wives lead to?Lovers or couples are an emotional and economic community. After the Cold War, no matter who wins or loses, marriage and relationship are losers.Because the essence of the Cold War is a kind of mental violence, when one party has to compromise and admit defeat, his (her) mental state can hardly continue to support his or her normal emotions, and the winner will not feel any happy feeling in the end.Because the cold war is also a way of communication between lovers or husbands and wives.The silence in the Cold War actually expressed many meanings, such as contempt, anger, displeasure, indifference, callousness, and worst of all, refusal to solve problems reasonably.Therefore it is extremely destructive and considered by psychologists to be the most inappropriate form of communication.

Case [-]:

"My heart is very bitter! Although he doesn't beat me or scold me, but his mental torture to me is more painful than beating me and scolding me. He talks and laughs with others outside, and when he comes home, he looks like us. It’s like not knowing each other, we live our own lives, sometimes we don’t say a word for a week, even worse than the co-tenants under the same roof, this kind of life is too sad.” When Ms. Zheng talked about her husband’s indifference Tears flowed.

Ms. Zheng said that two years ago, there were rumors that she had an improper relationship with a male colleague in the company. Later, the rumors reached her husband's ears, but her husband was not willing to clarify the rumors to her. From then on, he adopted an attitude of ignoring her.At first she thought it was her husband's psychological discomfort after hearing the rumors, so she always tried her best to make up and explain.However, two years have passed, and her husband still ignores her. Living under the same roof, there is no communication, no greetings, and no family affection. Ms. Zheng feels as cold as living in a cellar.

Case [-]:
Before Ms. Chang and her husband got married, they often had the habit of quarreling, but after each quarrel, they felt that their relationship grew day by day.Later, the two got married, and after marriage, they often quarreled over housework, but recently, Ms. Chang found that her husband's attitude suddenly changed. The quarrel was gone, but the opportunity to talk to him was also gone.Over the past few months, the former cozy home has become a hotel. When my husband returns home, he doesn't want to say a word to her. He just falls asleep and doesn't care about family affairs.Ms. Chang said that every time she wanted to sit down and have a good talk with her husband, he would refuse on the grounds that he had a toothache and did not want to talk, or that he wanted to go to bed too late.The dejected Ms. Chang said to herself: "Why didn't he quarrel with me? He was so funny before... To be honest, I really can't stand it."

In Case [-], when the husband learned of his wife's misbehavior, he was filled with anger and resentment.Since this is just a rumor he heard, and he is a man, he cannot directly retaliate against the "third party", and his resentment cannot be vented through other reasonable means, so this resentment is transferred to the victim—the wife .Does the husband love his wife?like!But after the husband was firmly controlled by the anger, his love turned into hatred, and he attributed all the faults to his wife, and adopted methods of punishing his wife with coldness and mentally torturing her to show his resentment.

In case two, the quarrel between husband and wife is not terrible, what is terrible is the cold war.The quarrel is at least to solve the conflict between husband and wife, while the Cold War has blocked all channels of communication.Conflicts between husband and wife cannot be attributed to one party. Both parties should re-examine the old and ineffective communication mode between the two, and seek a new communication mode, such as trying to reach an agreement.

Quarrels are just "verbal violence", while the Cold War is "mental cold violence". Both parties lack the passion to explain and the impulse to reconcile.We once said, "The opposite of love is not hate, but indifference." The cold war is a kind of spiritual violence because it consumes not only the love for the other party, but also the ability to love yourself.If a person is in a loveless living environment for a long time, he will gradually become indifferent, not only to his spouse, but also to his family, colleagues and friends, and even himself.The Cold War not only made him lose his confidence in improving the quality of his marriage, but it may also hinder his efforts to improve his career and other interpersonal relationships. The loss is quite large.

The cold war between lovers or husbands and wives is very harmful: first, the cold war means that they do not want to solve the problem, which means that the grievances will accumulate and deepen; Contradictions and conflicts; third, anger is actually hidden behind the silence, and when the backlog reaches a certain level, it will explode even more out of control.

Therefore, a couple who have been in a long-term cold war, in a sense, they can also be called "strategic enemies", both fighting and interdependent, the key is who can break the deadlock first.

1. When lovers or couples tend to be in a cold war or are already in a cold war, they must find out the reasons for their silence.

I believe that both husband and wife are unwilling to attack each other with silence, but if there is silence, then the reasons may be: First, it is unintentional.For example, some people are in a bad mood, so they are used to shutting themselves up tightly. Although they really want to answer the other party's questions, they just can't speak out.The second is out of helplessness.For example, some "prisoners of war" confide a little extra-marital truth under the "pressing" of their wives, such as dancing with the other party once, or having a few meals with the other party.Unexpectedly, the wife seemed to catch the trick all of a sudden, which caused the wife to be furious: "Okay, you guys still go to the dance! You also went to eat!" and so on.Then, the husband will learn the lesson and never say anything again, which makes it impossible to continue to solve the problem.The third is that it may be due to introverted nature, preferring to be alone when encountering problems, etc.

Of course, many couples use silence as a weapon.They are using silence to express their contempt for the other party, or express their dissatisfaction and anger through silence, or they may use silence to achieve the purpose of restricting and controlling the other party.

2. Change the misunderstanding between husband and wife about winning or losing.

If there is a cold war between husband and wife, whoever breaks the silence first does not mean that whoever loses face, but just proves who is trying to solve the problem with reasonable communication methods.If you feel that speaking first is losing face, then is it more important to save face or marriage.

If one partner is silent, saying "you talk" does not break his silence, and usually leads to more silence or tantrums.The best way is to let him know that the silence itself communicates something.For example, "You think..." or "I didn't know you were telling me with this silence..." or "I wonder if I did something wrong to keep you from talking to me." "I can't stand your Treat me in silence often, can we talk about this matter." This can break the cold war situation.

Intimacy between husband and wife can only be achieved when there is an open communication of thoughts and feelings.

Psychology class:
1. Female friends fully explore their flexible and gentle side in the relationship between the sexes, do not dig into the horns when encountering problems, give more consideration and care to their husbands, and create a warm and happy atmosphere in the family.

2. After having a child, don't transfer all your energy and focus to the child, otherwise you will neglect the other party and make the other party feel less warm.

3. After the marriage enters a stable period, both husband and wife tend to ignore each other, and life tends to be dull and formal.You should occasionally go outing and exercising together, exchange more work, life and feelings, and try a new life.

4. Once a small conflict occurs between husband and wife, we must communicate in a timely manner, first listen to the feelings and thoughts of the other party, and then sincerely express our own opinions and opinions, so as to resolve misunderstandings in time and avoid escalation of conflicts.

Lovelorn—turn around gorgeously, leaving dignity that can be recalled
Lovelorn, as the name suggests, is the loss of a lover or love affair.This usually happens to those men and women who have obtained a certain degree and nature of "love" and made a sincere commitment to it or have a greater material and spiritual investment.They break up with their lovers suddenly or unwillingly under unexpected circumstances, thus experiencing a sense of inner loss, sadness and even pain.

Losing love is a tragedy of love, and for those who are lovelorn, it is a cup of bitter wine that is difficult to swallow.From a psychological point of view, it is one of the most serious setbacks of youth.Because young men and women who are full of romantic sentiments often regard falling out of love as a big event like the sky falling.If they don't get the favor of the person they like, or even get abandoned, they will be overwhelmed with pain and think that their life is over.Some people will do some very bad things.In fact, this is because the spirit is too fragile. They don't know how to build a self-defense mechanism for themselves psychologically, so as to escape the pain of falling out of love.

In a university in Xi'an, 22-year-old Huang Ping is a senior student with an elegant, straightforward, lively and lovely temperament.When she was a sophomore, she established a relationship with a male classmate in her class.They both love sports, and both excel at it.He is tall and has a good temperament, and she likes him very much.The two often study and exercise together.Since Huang Ping's family lives in this city, but is far away from the school, her boyfriend often takes her home, and the relationship between the two is getting closer.Moreover, her family members did not object to their contacts, and gave him a lot of help, and even tried to contact the work unit for him on the issue of graduation assignment.However, when graduation was approaching, he suddenly became estranged from her, and had a hot fight with another girl who was younger than him, and they were often inseparable.Huang Ping was in great pain, feeling that he had no conscience, was in a daze all day long, and couldn't do anything.

One day, she met her boyfriend and was flirting with that little girl again, and she felt very uncomfortable.So she threatened her boyfriend face to face and said that if she didn't terminate the relationship with that girl, she would commit suicide.The boyfriend thought that she, who had always been very sensible, would never do such absurd behavior, so he didn't care, and continued to associate with that little girl.Little did they know that Huang Ping, who had always been gentle and docile, actually ran up to the top of the third floor of the school library and committed suicide by jumping off the building.At the age of a flower, and she has always been very good, she just fell into the vortex of broken love.

"Why is the sun still shining? Why are the waves still beating against the shore? Don't they know that the end of the world is here?" This old Western song "The End of the World" vividly portrays the sad gray world in the eyes of the lovelorn.And Huang Ping is such a typical case. In her consciousness, life is meaningless when love is gone. Instead of living in pain, it is better to end her life happily to relieve some pain.As everyone knows, love is not the whole of life, and there are many bright colors on the road of life.

Psychologists explained that when a man and a woman first fall in love, they firmly believe that their love is "predestined" and "married for thousands of miles."This kind of belief is called "psychological suggestion", which makes a pair of lovers have no regrets and will never change for life.However, it is very harmful and even dangerous to be "obsessed" with falling out of love for a long time.From a psychological point of view, falling in love, especially first love, is often the greatest accumulation of psychological energy towards the other party, and this accumulated psychological energy suddenly loses the object of catharsis, which may cause people to lose their way in the vast universe. a feeling of.This kind of psychological energy, which is difficult to dispel, is looking for a "jet outlet" in the heart.When it spouts its former subjects again in its frenzied fashion, it leads to tragic consequences.Violence, poisoning, disfigurement, and even murder may all occur under such out-of-control circumstances.Some people spray this kind of psychological energy to themselves, "self-destruction", such as abandoning themselves, smashing the cans, depraving and shameless, prostitution, drinking and drug abuse, and even suicide.Some people also seek a negative way of escape, such as running away from home or becoming a monk or nun; some people are also suspicious or uninterested in any opposite sex due to the frustration of being broken in love, and fall into the so-called "love phobia". ", this is a kind of psychological abnormality.Of course, most men and women with unsuccessful "first loves" can cheer up after a period of emotional fluctuations and devote themselves to normal interest in study and life.This is the so-called "spiritual sublimation".

In order to face life better, the lovelorn should learn to self-regulate and get rid of the pain of losing love as soon as possible.Belinsky once said: "If the whole purpose of our life is only our personal happiness, and our personal happiness is only love, then life becomes a really dark wasteland full of absurdity and broken hearts. Make it into a terrible hell." And sometimes, falling out of love is a kind of luck, followed by misfortune.The world-renowned writer Romain Rolland is believed to be familiar to everyone, but it is precisely because of his broken love that he achieved his great literary achievement.

Romain Rolland once fell in love with a bright and beautiful girl named Sophia.They often discuss literature and life together, and have a lot of common language.One day, they walked side by side on the forest path.Roman Rolland couldn't restrain his feelings anymore, and poured out the words from the bottom of his heart, expressing his deep love for Sophia.However, unexpectedly she was rejected.

This blow was like five thunderbolts, which made Romain Rolland dizzy, and he fell into the great pain of losing his love.For several days, he was unwilling to eat and couldn't sleep all night.What to do after a break-up?He asked himself over and over again in great mental anguish.Is it just going to sink like this?
No!He is a young man with ideals and ambitions.After painful and long thinking, he realized a truth: the best way to get rid of broken love is to study and create.His world-sensational masterpiece "John Christopher" was created under this background.

In dealing with Sophia, although she rejected his love, he did not hate Sophia because of it. On the contrary, he cherished the pure friendship with Sophia even more.He believes that Sophia has the freedom to choose love, but he has no right to blame or criticize him.A twisted melon is not sweet, and love cannot be wishful thinking.

After that, he continued to correspond with Sophia, and continued to discuss issues about life and art as before.Although the flower of love between them withered, the flower of friendship bloomed brighter and brighter.

In his love novel "Spring in Rome", he wrote about his passionate love for Sophia in his early years.Later, he compiled the letters exchanged with Sophia into a "Book of Two Places", titled "Dear Sophia" and published it.

So, falling out of love is not necessarily a bad thing, and if you lose, you will gain. When God closes a door for you, he will also open a window for you.Therefore, in the face of falling out of love, you don't need to pay too much attention to it. In life, the important thing is the process and experience, and you have loved and experienced it, so there is nothing to regret.Treat broken love correctly and look at life optimistically, and you will find that falling in love is not a chance for yourself to turn around?

If you fall in love, you should first think that there are many people in this world who also fall in love, anyway, you will not be the first or the last, and then you think about it, love is just a part of a long life, a small Small lovelorn, don't take it so important!

For our own psychological needs, we can also practice a little sour grapes psychology, select some reasons that meet our inner needs from a bunch of reasons, emphasize them, and ignore other reasons to avoid mental pain.Psychologists call this "sour grapes".That is to say: if you can't eat grapes, you can say that grapes are sour.

[-]. Think about the shortcomings of the other party, and realize that the other party is still the worst shortcoming, and he doesn't even love you.

[-]. You should be glad that the other party did not become your partner.

[-]. You can also rejoice that the breakup was proposed by the other party, and you don't need to be responsible or repent for it.

Of course, there is more than one way to overcome the pain of falling out of love.Are inedible grapes very sour? This is completely different from person to person.Here, it is just to provide some kind of more comfortable explanation for the reference of men and women who are frustrated in love.

Remember "everything is fleeting, everything will pass", and what has passed will become a kind nostalgia.

Psychology class:
1. Learn to properly vent and empathize
2. Self-liberation with the help of reason
3. The update phase sublimates the "self"

4. Seek help from a counselor
Fear of Marriage-Whether the shoes fit your feet, you can only know if you wear them
(End of this chapter)