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Chapter 17 The Psychology of Marriage and Love--Turning "Difficult Sutra" into "Happy Sutra" (2)
Marriage phobia means that when young men and women are about to get married, they worry that marriage will dilute their love, worry that they will be troubled by trivial matters in life, and worry that their future married life and future will be unhappy, so they are inexplicable when facing marriage. Fear, and stay away.

Every festival or good day, you can always see uniquely designed wedding cars and dazzling brides and grooms on the street.Marriage is a beautiful and romantic thing, but some marriages in this warm atmosphere are covered with "rose gray".A disease known as "urban fear of marriage" in medicine makes some couples stop at the gate of the marriage hall, because they are worried about their future married life and future misfortune, so they are discouraged.

From ancient times to the present, falling in love, getting married, and having children are the three major happy events in life, which make people happy.But in modern society, as the wedding day approaches, many brides-to-be will have an inexplicable fear, worrying about this and that, and even having the idea of ​​running away.This kind of symptom is actually a kind of avoidance psychology at work, which psychologists call "marriage phobia".

Mr. Qu has been very troubled recently. He said that in 2006, he met a girl through someone's introduction.This girl is 1 year younger than himself, and she has an outstanding appearance, gentle and generous, and a heart like a Bodhisattva.After the first meeting, her image was indelible in my heart.After a few contacts, the two established a relationship.

In the early days of their relationship, they cherished each other and were as happy as blooming flowers.Mr. Qu said that at the beginning, he felt that the days with her were the happiest days in his life.Because from her, he got understanding and care that he had never had before. He said that the two of them had many similarities and had good plans for the future. Impossible girl.

However, with the deepening of the relationship between the two, she found that her girlfriend's temper became more and more bad-tempered, more and more difficult to deal with, she became less and less trusting of herself, became sentimental, sensitive and suspicious, and would trouble him for no reason. He even ridiculed him for a trivial matter.Mr. Qu said that he had never found her to be so selfish, and she would not listen to any of his opinions, but was always picking on him.Many times, I will be reluctant and weep secretly because of a word that I said without intention.

Mr. Qu said that at first he liked her too much, so whenever he lost his temper, no matter whether he was right or wrong, he would patiently make her happy, and then confessed his mistakes to her unprincipled.But after a long time, Mr. Qu said that he was really tired and felt that being with her was too depressing, so he thought of breaking up.Mr. Qu said that he is the only seedling in his family, and he grew up under the careful care of his parents since he was a child. He has not suffered any grievances, but now he coaxes her every day like a child. The helplessness is really indescribable. .

Mr. Qu said that when his girlfriend is not angry, she is very gentle and caring, making you want to hold her in your arms involuntarily, but now her temper is getting worse and worse, so she has the idea of ​​breaking up. My psychology is also very uncomfortable, and I still can't make up my mind.Moreover, she came from a poor background, because her parents had a bad relationship when she was a child, and later divorced and lived their own lives, but no one was willing to raise her, so she could only live a life of dependence with her grandma.Affected by this, in her heart, she especially hopes that she can have a happy family.And when they were happy, Mr. Qu once promised her that he would take care of her, love her for the rest of his life, love her for the rest of his life, and share his happiness with her.

Now, the house where the two get married is bought, and their parents are urging them to get married quickly and have a child.However, as long as he thinks of her bad temper, Mr. Qu will have an inexplicable fear of getting married, and he doesn't know what to do.

In this regard, psychologists say that Mr. Qu suffers from a mental illness, that is, "marriage phobia" in psychology.From ancient times to the present, falling in love, getting married, and having children are the three major happy events in life, which make people happy.But in modern society, as the wedding date approaches, many brides-to-be will have an inexplicable fear, worrying about this and that, and even having the idea of ​​running away.This kind of symptom is actually a kind of avoidance psychology at work, which psychologists call "marriage phobia".

"Marriage phobia" is a very representative modern social psychological disease. The main root cause of this disease has a great relationship with the negative publicity of public opinion on marriage life.In the major media across the country, we can often see reports and discussions on how to deal with the content of marriage, because the media widely publicizes the negative life of marriage, which will invisibly give those who have not yet entered into marriage a sense of relief. This kind of invisible pressure will make those prospective couples think too much about their married life, so when they are faced with marriage, they show fear and avoidance of marriage. Many people also postpone marriage because of this, and even prefer to be celibate. "Suffering", Mr. Qu in the story is one of the victims.

People suffering from marriage phobia have a sense of fear about future marriage. Usually the "symptoms" are irritability, short temper, and tantrums. Some people will be taciturn and unwilling to talk more, which will affect work and life.Before marriage, what are you afraid of?Let us prescribe the right medicine and see the tricks:

1.Worried that "marriage is the tomb of love".To get out of premarital phobia, you must first get rid of the fantasy of married life, don’t have high expectations and extravagant expectations, don’t think that everything is good and perfect in your lover, honeymoon is really sweeter than honey, you should clearly realize that the new family The birth of a baby means that the burden has increased, and it means that both of them should do their best for the family and fulfill their responsibilities as husband and wife.There must be the determination to be willing to endure hardships and burdens for the lover and the future small family, and to be tolerant and understanding of the shortcomings of the lover.

2.Arranged marriage, I don't know enough about my future husband.Both men and women need to constantly strengthen mutual understanding and deepen their relationship. This is the most important psychological preparation before marriage.Get to know more before considering marriage, or have a long talk before marriage, get to know each other as much as possible, maybe you can eliminate the fear of future marriage.

3.Worried about not getting along with my mother-in-law.Before marriage, you should think that all aspects of life after marriage will undergo significant changes, not only to live with your lover, but also your family members, relatives and friends, and learn to live in harmony with them.Before marriage and even for a period of time after marriage, conditions should be created to get to know and get acquainted with those who should know, so as not to feel nervous and cause mistakes due to many strangers breaking into one's life after marriage, thus hurting the relationship between husband and wife.

4.Worried about not finishing the housework.The value of housework, like any other labor, is the dignity and value of a housewife, and it must not be lightly dismissed.Respecting housework is not only a breakthrough achievement of the new version of the "Law on the Protection of Women's Rights and Interests", but also one of the fundamental prerequisites for equality between men and women.

5.Fear of extramarital affairs, fear of divorce.Read more reports about happy marriages, and understand that affairs and infidelity are only a small part of marriages.Believe in love, believe in marriage, and at the same time, you should learn more tricks to warm up love. As long as you work hard, marriage will be really beautiful!
6.Worried about not being free after marriage.In the early stage of a love life, people who are accustomed to being single may have many discomforts, such as disliking the two people facing each other every day, such as disliking the trivial things in life, but no matter what, don't give up lightly.You might as well set a period of three months for yourself, during which you should try your best to take on your due responsibilities. After the psychological adaptation period, your confidence in love and family will definitely increase rapidly.

7.Worried that he is not the person I love the most.Although he may not be the person you love the most, but he will be your closest person now and in the future!Some love is always better viewed from a distance, some sweetness is better treasured, the person you love the most may not be suitable to be your husband.Cherish the present, you must be the happiest bride!
Psychology class:
1.It is right to be cautious about marriage, but it is not advisable to give up marriage because of caution.

2.Marriage is like a pair of shoes, only you know if they fit or not.If you refuse to wear shoes, you may avoid bleeding blisters due to ill-fitting shoes, but you may also step on nails due to walking barefoot. At that time, you may realize that marriage is actually right.

The Psychology of Cheating - A Contest Between Desire and Reason
Emotional derailment in marriage refers to two people in a marriage, either one of whom violates the principle of husband and wife loyalty and deviates from the family in emotion or behavior.

In the middle of the night, there is one person and one Buddha in the temple, the wise man sits and the person stands.

S: Holy wise man, I'm a married man and I'm madly in love with another woman, I really don't know what to do.

Wise man: Can you be sure that the woman you are in love with now is the only last woman in your life?

People: Yes.

Wise man: You divorce, then marry her.

S: But my current lover is gentle, kind, and virtuous. Is it a little cruel and immoral for me to do so.

Wise man: It is cruel and immoral to have no love in a marriage. Now that you are in love with someone else and you no longer love her, what are you still hesitating about?
People: But my spouse loves me very much, really loves me.

Wise Man: Then she is happy.

Subject: I want to marry her after I divorce her. She should be in pain, so how can she be happy?

Wise man: She still has her love for you in marriage, but you have lost her love for her in marriage, because you fell in love with someone else, as the saying goes, happiness is what you have, and pain is what you lose, so pain The person is you.

People: But I want to marry her after divorcing her. She should have lost me. She should be suffering.

Wise man: You are wrong, you are just one embodiment of her true love in marriage, when your embodiment does not exist, her true love will continue to another embodiment, because her true love in marriage has never been lost.So she is happy and you are miserable.

People: She said that she only loves me in this life, and she will not fall in love with others.

Wise Man: Have you ever said that?
Person: I, I, I...

Wise man: Now look at the three candles in the incense burner in front of you, which one is the brightest.

S: I really don't know, they all seem to be equally bright.

Wise man: These three candles are like three women, and one of them is the woman you love now. There are millions of women in all living beings. You don’t even know which of these three candles is the brightest, and you can’t put your Find out the one you love now, why can you be sure that the woman you love now is the only last woman in your life?

Person: I, I, I...

Wise Man: Now you hold a candle in front of your eyes and see which one is the brightest?
Human: Of course, the one in front of you is the brightest.

Wise Man: Now you put it back where it was, and see which one is the brightest.

S: I really still can't see which one is the brightest.

Wise man: In fact, the candle you just took is like the last woman you love now. The so-called love comes from the heart. When you feel that you love her, you will feel the brightest when you look at it with your heart. Put it back to its original place, but you can't find the brightest feeling. Your so-called last and only love is just a mirror image, and it is nothing in the end.

S: Oh, I see, you are not asking me to divorce my lover, you are giving me a hint.

Wise man: If you don't tell the truth, go ahead!
People: I really know who I love now, she is my love now.

People all make mistakes, especially when it comes to feelings, no matter whether it comes premeditated or quietly, it is easy to be cornered by it, the lighthouse in the heart suddenly collapses, and lost in the sudden darkness direction.At this time, nothing is impossible, nothing is unexpected, and what is said seems to be taken for granted.But, thankfully, he was finally able to repent.

Today, with the rapid development of technological life, due to one reason or another, many of us are on the verge of derailment, have derailed or have terminated the derailment, but no matter what kind of derailment is a process of mental torture, it Whether the feeling of cheating is sweet or painful.Because the consequences of "derailment" are unpredictable, and there are uncertainties of one kind or another, but no matter what the consequences are, the danger is greater than the safety.

1. Divorce.Divorce is the most painful process. I believe that without giving examples, everyone can think of many bloody examples.

2. Continue to maintain.Continuing to maintain cheating behavior is a very nerve-wracking behavior. It is still difficult to be an underground party even more underground than the underground party. "There is no impenetrable wall in the world". It is the day when you pack up and go out, even if you don't go out, it will cast a shadow on the family.

3. Termination of derailment.After weighing the consequences of derailment, it is wiser to actively terminate and be invisible.

In daily life, after many women discover that their husbands are cheating, they closely monitor their mobile phone call records, text messages, and MSN chat records all day long. A layer of frost.If it's not done well, the man's already vacillating heart will be driven into the arms of other women.So, when one of the husband and wife really cheats, how should the other party face the cheating of the other party?

The advice of psychological experts is that you have to learn to be a smart wife, and you don’t have to stare at him at all, and have a tense posture of "wolf is coming" all day long.You can pay attention to the details of life and the little things you get along with, and you can see clearly if he has a little "trouble".Of course, you still need to trust and tolerate your husband. While taking good care of his work and life, you should also pay attention to his emotional changes and psychological fluctuations, and use women's understanding to resolve his unhappiness so that he can be fully satisfied. The catharsis, do not give outsiders a chance.

For men, no one wants to deal with their wives exhaustedly, but also to break ties with women outside. In many cases, cheating is not something they want to do willingly.Generally speaking, men tend to relax their mental vigilance and face more temptations when they are at critical moments such as promotion and fortune, business trips, or disappointment.If you can firmly grasp the critical moment when you are prone to cheating, and keep your wife in your heart, you can also get twice the result with half the effort and protect a happy and happy family.As the saying goes, if you keep the pass, you can keep the city intact.

Psychology class:
1.Prevent problems before they happen, and get rid of the germs of derailment as soon as possible.

2.Reason trumps passion.

3.Think more about the consequences of cheating.

Love at First Sight--The Fatal Temptation of Psychology
Love at first sight means that you have a life you want deep in your heart, and you know that a certain person can bring you that life. When you meet that person, his or her characteristics match your inner impression. Your heart desperately needs the kind of happiness that he or she can bring you, so you are stuck.

In movies and TV or some literature, we can always enjoy the romantic love story of love at first sight.The hero and heroine meet romantically at a certain time and a certain place as if agreed in a previous life, and then fall in love at first sight, and become lovers who will live together forever.For example, in "Dream of Red Mansions", when Lin Daiyu entered Jia's mansion, Jia Baoyu fell in love with Lin Daiyu at first sight, and the reason was "I have seen this sister." In "The Story of the West Chamber", Zhang Sheng and Yingying fell in love with each other as soon as they met. In "The Legend of the White Snake", the White Snake and Xu Xian met in the West Lake by chance and made a "lifelong relationship".Is this instant love between a man and a woman fabricated by writers out of mystification?No, this is indeed a true portrayal of life.Because scientists have found that men and women store the characteristics of the dreamed object in their brains, just like storing data in a floppy disk, which is called the "map of love".This picture was first drawn by the parents, and it was constantly revised and supplemented by the influence of external factors in the process of growing up.As the age gets older, the image becomes clearer and more specific. Then, when a man and a woman meet under a certain opportunity, they can quickly capture the other person's appearance, clothing and other information when they make eye contact for the first time, and then It is transmitted to the brain through the optic nerve, and the more the opponent's characteristics match the stored image, the stronger the information produced by the brain, and the "chemical factory" in the body will run at full capacity to produce a large amount of excitatory substances, forming a kind of happiness hormone in the brain. It causes changes such as rapid heartbeat, sweaty palms, flushed face, etc., and passion surges in the heart, so the phenomenon of "love at first sight" occurs.

And psychologists explain "love at first sight" like this: In real life, "love at first sight" also has a psychological basis when it occurs between men and women.Under normal circumstances, when a man and a woman in love meet for the first time, in addition to expressing acceptance, acceptance, and appreciation of the other's explicit personality traits such as good academic demeanor, graceful body appearance, and decent advance and retreat, the "physiological" aesthetic standard of heterosexual communication "Effect" is also an important factor in arousing emotion.It can be considered that both parties who fall in love at first sight are generally accompanied by certain emotional or physical experiences and feelings such as intimacy, pleasure, and admiration. This is especially true for men and women.

(End of this chapter)