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Chapter 18 The Psychology of Marriage and Love--Turning "Difficult Sutra" into "Happy Sutra" (3)
Minru, a department manager of a company, and her boyfriend got engaged step by step after a year of acquaintance.The life of her and her boyfriend is calm and ordinary, and there is no lack of passion.One day, Minru broke up with her boyfriend because she met Mao, a divorced man who was 10 years older than her.Minru was attending a party organized by a colleague. The moment she turned her head, she suddenly saw Mao silently sipping beer in a corner. Mao was quiet, lonely, and somewhat sad. The moment their eyes met, Minru Ru said that she was completely attracted by him, and the feeling of heartbeat was unprecedented in her life, and the loud music around her had disappeared... After a short contact, they got married, and "love at first sight" appeared again in our real life appeared in .

Of course, generally speaking, the person who falls in love at first sight tends to have a good appearance and figure, and is a "popular lover", which can give people a feeling of excitement. This is also the result of the "first cause effect" at first meeting. .Many people know that the first impression is very important, but the first impression is often very deceptive, and even you don't know his current situation and experience at all, so it will cause great pain.

After Ou Lin broke up in love, her heart lingered in the cold night, unable to feel the warmth of the sun.She can't accept any boy into her world.Roses, heart-shaped jelly, sweet words... These little tricks can't arouse her any interest, because she will feel cold when she is with other boys except her boyfriend.So she tried her best to fill her life with homework and extracurricular activities, let busyness to forget her heartache, and since then she lost all trust in love until she met Zhang Yang.

It was a warm afternoon, and Ou Lin was sitting alone on a bench in the campus. Because of some work in the student union, Zhang Yang, a class cadre from an external department, came here to ask her to talk about something. Well, it was a little bit early.

Just when she was thinking of her boyfriend again, a handsome sunny boy came over, "Hi, you are Ou Lin, right? I'm Zhang Yang." He was wearing a dark blue sweatshirt with a pure white shirt underneath. The white T-shirt eliminates the oppressive feeling of navy blue, and the faint sunlight shines on him, making the whole person look golden and full of sunshine.His aura enveloped Ou Lin like the sun and the moon.Ou Lin looked at him and suddenly felt a long-lost warmth.Ou Lin felt that she fell in love with Zhang Yang at first sight.

Later, the two met several times.Once, they solved a problem in a plan and started to eat and drink.Before she knew it, it was already 10 o'clock in the evening, and Zhang Yang insisted on sending her back to school.On the way, the two seemed to have no topic to talk about suddenly, and walked silently.Suddenly, Ou Lin boldly said to Zhang Yang: "Yang, I like you from the first time I saw you." Her words made Zhang Yang panic: "I'm sorry, I already have a girlfriend, Can we be good friends?" Facing his answer, Ou Lin felt ashamed.

For Ou Lin, this is a typical love at first sight.But it was also "at first sight", so she didn't know that the other party's heart belonged, so she blindly expressed her love, but was rejected, which finally brought her a big blow. It can be said that she just experienced a She suffered a failure in love, and once she suffered a blow from love.

The feeling of "love at first sight" is an absolute temptation, and it is difficult for us to resist it. The feeling of "love at first sight" is sometimes a fatal temptation.We can't help repeating and searching, even if it is scarred, even if it is hurt again.This is because reason has no power, and emotion is the most charming.However, love is not just a feeling, it requires understanding, and understanding takes time, so when the time is right, give love a little time and space.There are many times, when it comes to love at first sight, it is mostly the feeling in retrospect after the event happened, and this kind of love that is only based on the first feeling hides too many crises, so even if it is love at first sight, even if the two love each other, don’t believe too much The first feeling is to leave a little space and time for love, so that love can be experienced and verified in time and space.

So, recognize the pros and cons of love at first sight, don't regard love at first sight as the whole process of love, but only as the beginning of love, then through mutual communication and understanding, and then choose rationally, you will have a kind of love happiness of your own .

Psychology class:
1.What the first feeling captures is often some superficial things, while the evaluation made by intuition alone is often simple and flat.

2.The information captured by the first sense is often fluid and changes instantaneously.Therefore, it is easy to freeze things and make them absolute based on the first impression alone, and it is impossible to see the trajectory of changes in things.

3.In the eyes of those who fall in love at first sight, a certain aspect of the other party's characteristics is exaggeratedly enlarged. Under the effect of the halo effect, imagination replaces reality, and everything is perfect without any flaws.

Mate selection psychology - there is no best, only better
The psychology of mate selection refers to the psychological phenomena and laws of psychological activity when both men and women choose their love objects.Generally speaking, the reason why people establish love and marriage relationships is to meet certain needs, while the criteria for choosing a spouse vary from person to person, mainly determined by one's views on love, marriage and family.

Three disciples of the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates once asked their teacher for advice on how to find an ideal partner.Socrates didn't answer directly, but let them walk on the stalks, only allowed to move forward, and only gave them one chance to pick the biggest ear of wheat.

The first disciple walked a few steps and saw a big and beautiful ear of wheat, and happily picked it off.But when he continued to move forward, he found that there were many bigger ones ahead than the one he picked, so he had to finish the whole journey regrettably.

The second disciple learned his lesson. Whenever he wanted to pick it up, he always reminded himself that there would be better ones in the future.When he was almost at the finish line, he realized that the opportunity had all been missed.

The third disciple learned the lessons of the first two. When he walked one third, he was divided into three categories: large, medium and small. ears of wheat.Although it wasn't necessarily the biggest and most beautiful, he walked the whole journey with satisfaction.

In daily life, almost everyone's mate selection psychology is different, and it is not a single psychological type, and a variety of psychological states are often intertwined, but sometimes they are more inclined to a certain psychological state.And when it comes to someone, everyone has their own criteria for choosing a mate.Generally speaking, regardless of men and women, the psychology and criteria for choosing a mate are the following:

1.It is required that the spouse's figure, appearance, conversation, manners, and demeanor be appropriate.

2.Spouse is required to have excellent intelligence, ability, morality and character.

3.The age, education, occupation, economic status, living habits, religious beliefs, and interests of the spouse are required to be similar to those of the applicant.

4.Spouses are required to complement and support each other without conflict in terms of personality, life and work.

5.The spouse is required to be in good health and the family has no medical history.

However, in the process of choosing a spouse, it will be affected by social culture and often interfered by the family.In addition, herd mentality, perfectionism, traditional ideas and prejudices, and the halo effect can all have an impact on mate selection.

There is such a girl, from the time she knew about love ignorantly, she began to design the appearance of her own prince charming in her heart: He should not be less than 1.78 meters tall, with a standard body shape, a good-looking figure, and the kind of skin Healthy color, eyes should be full of depth, have their own career and pursuit, and have a good family background... Wait, she listed many criteria, it can be said that her Prince Charming is definitely the most perfect in the world man.

However, after many years of searching, the him in her mind still did not appear, but the girl still did not give up, knowing that wrinkles slowly crept up the corners of her eyes, and the frost gradually turned white on her temples!
"All the waiting is condensed into a blank; all the searching is interpreted as a question mark." This is a section of the diary of a young man.Single people are already a distinct social group.Generally speaking, everyone has their own mate selection psychology, especially for women, the other half in their minds should be perfect and able to bring them a sense of security, and some women pursue a kind of Material life, but there are many pursuits of true feelings.

Ms. Han is an employee of a securities company. She has long hair and shawls.Mr. Liu is the business manager of a computer company. He is handsome and has a good conversation style. He has not met a lover yet in his thirties.Around us, we can find many such "white-collar workers", who are not bad in terms of education, occupation, and income, but they are still alone and struggling to find a partner.Is it that they don't want to get married?It seems not.Is the requirement too high?Still unwilling to look for it?If they are all normal people's psychology and thinking, I think they are definitely not willing to live a celibate life.Then, the reason why they are single so far can only be another problem - the standard of mate selection or the psychology of mate selection.They generally have problems such as excessive requirements, excessive comparisons, narrow communication, poor communication methods, and psychological barriers, and eventually become leftover men and women. With the increase of age, the urging of relatives and friends, and the pressure of public opinion, They can become sensitive, anxious, irritable, and vulnerable.

Common psychological misunderstandings in choosing a spouse mainly include the following:

1.Excessive pursuit of beauty.This misunderstanding is more common with men.Since ancient times, there has been a beautiful poem in China, "Guanguan Jujiu, in the continent of the river. A fair lady, a gentleman is fond of her."In history, there are too many examples of heroes being sad about beauties. They often love the country more than beauties, and even many men suffer misfortune because they are infatuated with beauties from the country, so there is the concept of "beautiful beauty". In fact, it is often not women who are wrong, but men who do not have enough self-control and cannot stand the temptation.

2.Take youth and beauty as a bargaining chip in marriage.Some young women regard their appearance as a bargaining chip with men, and they value their appearance far more than other aspects.Because they clearly know that the more beautiful they are, the more likely they are to catch a wealthy son-in-law.

3.inferiority complex.This misunderstanding is more common with older women.They think it is disgraceful to stay in the boudoir alone after the age of 30, so they are most afraid of others talking about marriage, and they are most afraid of others asking about their marriage in a caring tone, and they are pessimistic and disappointed in themselves, thinking that love is not there. Will come, and never have a relationship with love.

4.closed mind.This type of person is not sociable by nature and is reluctant to take the initiative on marriage issues, or even associate with married colleagues.They often shut themselves in their own small world, like to be alone, and the scope of communication is very narrow, which greatly reduces their chances of choosing a mate.

5.Rather lack than abuse.There are many people who always pre-determined indicators in choosing a mate, and follow the pictures to find out.So in the years of lingering, the Prince Charming in my mind still did not appear. When my friend's children could already call "Auntie" and "Uncle", I was still alone.As everyone knows, all the standards are set by you before you meet someone, and the perfect lover you designed may not exist, so you can relax the standards appropriately, and you will reap an unexpected beautiful love.

6.Too much emphasis on money and status.This kind of mate selection psychology takes external qualities such as political status and economic status as the main conditions for mate selection.However, the status of a person is changing. Since the basis of love and marriage is status, when the status of the other party changes, the edifice of love and marriage will also be shaken.Therefore, while pursuing the "conditions" of your spouse, you must not ignore the inner qualities such as moral character, character, thought, and sentiment.

7.Comparing vanity.When choosing a mate, I pay special attention to other people's evaluation and external public opinion, and I don't have my own opinions, so I often face many friends of the opposite sex who are hesitant.They often use their lovers or spouses of the same level as their mirror, looking for someone who is no worse than others.Everyone has their own strengths, and there is no perfect person in the world. As a result, people with this kind of mate selection mentality can easily end up "losing face and wasting youth".

Lin Yutang had a joke: "The ideal life of world harmony is to live in the English countryside, with American-style gas pipes in the house, a Chinese cook, a Japanese wife, and a French lover." You Is it possible to live like this?Therefore, quickly getting out of the misunderstanding of mate selection and choosing the other half with a positive attitude is the preparation that most demanding friends need to do.

When choosing a lover, everyone has their own specific psychology in mind, but no matter what your standards and requirements are, please remember that the most important foundation of love and marriage should be mutual admiration and love, which is what love and marriage can achieve. Long lasting guarantee.

Psychology class:
1. Believe in love. Believe that there is true love in this world. True love has nothing to do with objective conditions. It comes from the heart and is unstoppable. It will not fade away due to age or time.

2. Face the reality, see your own strengths and weaknesses, adjust your standards and requirements, and give yourself a clear position in choosing a spouse.

3. Expand your communication contact surface. Only in this way will you have more opportunities and a greater chance of success.

Aesthetic Illusion - Beauty is in the eye of the beholder

Aesthetic illusion is the wrong perception that does not conform to the actual situation after in-depth contact and understanding of the other party.This kind of illusion induces an alienated aesthetic imagery, and it is precisely this kind of falsehood that becomes "true", creating a novel and unique aesthetic interest, and obtaining unexpected pleasure and satisfaction from it.

Illusion is a wrong perception of the essential connection of objective things, which can be divided into aesthetic illusion and cognitive illusion.There is a difference between cognitive illusion and aesthetic illusion: cognitive illusion reflects the unreal objective situation; aesthetic illusion is the real feeling of beauty produced by the aesthetic subject after in-depth experience of the aesthetic object.This aesthetic feeling seems to be distorted objectively, but it is a real psychological experience subjectively.

(End of this chapter)