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Chapter 19 The Psychology of Marriage and Love--Turning "Difficult Sutra" into "Happy Sutra" (4)
As the saying goes: "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", which means that when lovers have a good impression, they will feel that the other party is as beautiful as Xi Tzu. This is an aesthetic illusion effect.Because everyone's appearance is born, it will not change, but as the aesthetic form in the eyes of lovers, it will change with people's emotions.As the great French artist Rodin realized, when tasting human body sculptures, he would always call out various strange and alienated images from the illusion. These images are sometimes "like a flower" and sometimes "like soft ivy". Sometimes "like a vigorous swaying young tree", sometimes the body bends backwards, like a spring.Also like a little Cupid.

In England in the early 19s, there was a famous female poet named Elizabeth Barrett.She was originally a bedridden patient, and she was nearly forty years old, and she had never been married.But she writes good poems and has many fans.One of them, a poetry fan named Bai Langning, who was six years younger than her, wooed Barit.But in view of her physical condition, she felt that the two were not suitable and began to refuse.But Bai Langning persevered, and finally touched her closed heart.When the two met for the first time, Bai Langning took Barit's hand and said, "You are so beautiful, much more beautiful than I imagined." The power of love is really great. Miraculously got better.

In the eyes of ordinary people, Barrett's appearance is not outstanding, and her body is not healthy, why is she so beautiful?But Bai Langning discovered her inner beauty in her poems, spreading from the inside to the outside, and Barrit became the most beautiful and lovely woman in his eyes.

Shakespeare has a sonnet that goes like this:

"My mistress' eyes are nothing like Dayang:
The coral was much redder than her lips;

If the snow is white, her chest will be dark brown,
Her hair is like wire, and the wire is whirling around her head.

I have seen red and white roses like veils:
No such roses were found on her cheeks;

There are many fragrances very attractive,
My mistress's breath has no such fragrance.

I love to hear her talk, but I know very well,
Music is sweeter than her voice;

I never saw a goddess walk,

My mistress keeps her feet on the ground when she walks;

But, I swear to God, my love
Better than any beauty who is praised as a fairy. "

From Shakespeare's poems, we know that Shakespeare's lover does not have a particularly beautiful appearance, but she must have a beauty that fascinates the poet, and even affects his aesthetic perception of his lover's objective external form.In the poet's mind, he created an image that is more beautiful and moving than the objective aspect, making him feel that his lover is more moving than any fairy beauty.

Obviously, Shakespeare's lover does not have a particularly beautiful appearance, but she must have a beauty that captivates the poet's heart, and even affects his aesthetic perception of his lover's objective external form.In the poet's mind, an image that is more beautiful and moving than the objective form is created in all aspects, making him feel that his lover is more moving than any fairy beauty.

"Beauty is in the eye of the beholder", this is what is called "aesthetic illusion" in psychology.Illusion is a wrong perception of the essential connection of objective things, which can be divided into aesthetic illusion and cognitive illusion.There is a difference between cognitive illusion and aesthetic illusion: cognitive illusion reflects the unreal objective situation; aesthetic illusion is the real feeling of beauty produced by the aesthetic subject after in-depth experience of the aesthetic object.This aesthetic feeling seems to be distorted objectively, but it is a real psychological experience subjectively.

Men and women in love examine the beauty of the opposite sex not only for their external physical beauty, but also for their inner spiritual beauty.The beauty of the soul can make up for the lack of external beauty, as Tolstoy said: "People are not cute because they are beautiful, but they are beautiful because they are cute." There is such a moving story to prove this:
This aesthetic illusion is actually very meaningful: it enables the lover to discover the deeper beauty of the object of love to compensate for a certain deficiency, and can promote the occurrence and development of love, so as not to make people who are not beautiful on the outside lonely for life.However, if the aesthetic person does not have a healthy aesthetic consciousness, or if this illusion develops to an excessive degree, it will have a negative effect.As Ellis said: "Men and women in love will regard each other's ugly features as extremely beautiful, and praise them."

People's values ​​and outlook on life are the internal reasons for the aesthetic illusion.Normal people always yearn for beautiful things, and often associate kindness, sincerity with beauty.A beautiful appearance can easily arouse people's associations with truth and goodness, and thus generate a favorable impression. This is a natural psychological reaction; the inner essence of truth and goodness can also easily arouse people's thinking about beauty, thereby generating a sense of beauty. This is a normal psychological effect. .However, no matter the understanding of truth and goodness or the appreciation of beauty, it is inseparable from the guidance of correct values ​​and outlook on life.Without correct values ​​and outlook on life, we will not achieve the aesthetic unity of truth, goodness and beauty, we will not be able to build a bridge connecting inner beauty and outer beauty, and we will not even have the pursuit and yearning for beautiful things in our hearts.If a woman's love does not have the aesthetics guided by the correct values ​​and outlook on life, it is easy to hide a crisis, leading to marriage and family tragedies in the future.If the aesthetic illusion is contrary to the correct values ​​and outlook on life, once the passion of love subsides and the halo effect disappears, it will be too late to regret.It is especially dangerous to be blinded by the aura of beauty of the other person's face and ignore the ugly soul.Balzac once made a thorough description of this situation: "Girls who grow up in a pious atmosphere are innocent and pure. Once they step into the charming world of love, they feel that everything is love. They wander in In the light of heaven, which emanates from their hearts, and reaches their radiance, and shines on their lovers. They imbue their lovers with the burning enthusiasm of their hearts, and make their lofty thoughts their own."

Especially for some teenagers, because their sexual psychology is not yet mature enough, they often cannot examine each other calmly and objectively, see their advantages but not their shortcomings, and even regard their shortcomings as advantages.For example, a woman fell in love with a man who was so handsome that he outweighed everything else.When he is rude, she thinks it is bold; when he is profligate, she thinks it is generous; when he is dishonest, she thinks it is smart; I don't think there is anyone who doesn't love this handsome man... It wasn't until she suffered a big loss that she regretted it too late.

Therefore, men and women in love should treat aesthetic illusions correctly.There is nothing wrong with having illusions, but this aesthetic psychology must be guided and corrected through correct values ​​and outlook on life.

Psychology class:
1.use reason to overcome emotion
2.listen to other people's opinions

3.Cultivate insight into love
Suspicious Psychology-Let your lover get farther and farther away from you

Suspicion refers to the tendency to be too involved in the process of communication. What is too much self-involvement, that is, you always feel that everything else is related to yourself, and you are overly sensitive and suspicious of other people's words and deeds.

Suspicion is one of the weaknesses of human nature. It has always been the bane of harming others and ourselves, and is the companion of despicable souls.Once a person falls into the trap of suspicion, he will be nervous everywhere, suspicious of everything, lose trust in others, and also have doubts in himself, which will damage normal interpersonal relationships and affect personal physical and mental health.

In "A Dream of Red Mansions", Lin Daiyu is sentimental by nature.When you see flowers blooming, you think of the withering scene of flowers falling; when you see other people's family reunion, you think of the death of parents and being alone under the fence.Therefore, I often sigh alone to the sky and cry by the window.If you encounter unsatisfactory things, you will be more likely to be depressed, and even cry all day long.In addition, Lin Daiyu has no money, no power, is weak and sick, and has added "inferiority" emotions to her character.In such a specific environment as Rongguo Mansion, Lin Daiyu had to "pay attention to every step and be on guard all the time, for fear of being ridiculed by others." Her inherently sensitive personality began to develop into suspicion.

Lin Daiyu's sensitive and suspicious character destined her life to be a tragedy.Lin Daiyu's experience is so tragic, but in real life, you can often meet some people who are very suspicious. They are suspicious all day long, make things out of nothing, and think that everyone is untrustworthy and unreliable.Especially when there are conflicts between husband and wife or the relationship is not stable, it is more likely to lead to suspicious incidents.When one party starts to treat the other party with suspicion, then the suspicious person will pay special attention to the other party's every move, as well as the connection and trend with the outside world.Even a sentence blurted out by the other party may have to be pondered for a long time, trying to find the "subtext" in it, so that you will fall into the trap of being suspicious without knowing it. , As time goes by, not only your own bad mood, but also affect the relationship between family members, the end result is to make your lover farther and farther away from you.

Please see how the heroine in the following story personally destroyed her happy marriage.

Hao is a handsome young man from the city. He fell in love with Li Jing, a beautiful foreign girl, and married her.At first, Lijing was very happy. The envy of her peers and the praise of her relatives made her feel like floating in the clouds.All this can't help but let her imagination run wild: as soon as she stepped into Qingdao six years ago, she fell in love with this city surrounded by sea water, and vowed to have her own home in this beautiful city.The days when she first started working were very lonely and not smooth, and whenever she was sick, the sadness was particularly intense.Although Qingdao is a big place with many job opportunities, it does not have a place of its own.Although the crowd was crowded and crowded, it had nothing to do with me. Soon, all the sisters who came with me went back one after another, but she persisted stubbornly.While working part-time, she studies English and computers.A year later, she finally found the job she wanted and excelled in the company.She just met Hao during a tour... Everything she dreamed of has finally come true today. It is so difficult, she warned herself that she must cherish it.

But what is disturbing is that she has often indulged in inexplicable panic recently: "Will he be so good to me forever? There is really nothing 'shine' in me, is it worthy of his love? He is beautiful and gentle There are too many girls in my life, and there are too many people who are better than me, maybe one day, maybe tomorrow, he will leave me and find another woman." Whenever she had a chance, she would ask Hao: "Do you like me? What about me?" Hao also seriously replied: "I like your unyielding energy, I like that you don't only know how to paint and paint like other women, I like the virtuousness of an oriental woman in your bones." She was very satisfied with his answer.But after a few days, she thought again: He still doesn't know me well, and after a long time, I won't be new.So she asked the same question over and over again.She found that Hao's answers were gradually perfunctory, and sometimes he didn't even answer anymore.She thought: This makes her feel that her charm no longer attracts him, and she has to be vigilant.Sometimes she wondered if she was too suspicious and didn't trust herself too much.But she couldn't help but sink deeper and deeper.She searched his purses, drawers, mail, messages carefully, but never found a trace of suspiciousness.In her opinion, the reason why she didn't find out was not that Hao followed the rules, but that her own inspection was not comprehensive enough.Therefore, further inspection and observation are particularly necessary.So a more careful inspection began: 5 minutes late to get off work, she would have to check for at least half an hour; the unit invoice went to the concert, and she either followed him, or she had to find out whether there were any opposite sex around Hao?Every look, every expression, every movement of him, she has to ponder over and over again, savoring the mysteries of them carefully.

This is how Lijing is caught in the contradiction of not being confident all day long, and Hao's feelings for her have also changed. Finally, one time, in order to test Hao, she borrowed someone else's mobile phone to send him an ambiguous message, and Hao found out...the contradiction seems to be there at all. However, the gap is irreparable. They negotiated to separate for a period of time to adjust their relationship...

Why did Lijing's happy and happy marriage go down the road of breakdown?Is it an economic reason?Is it because of the disparity in social status?Or an intolerable third party?Regrettably nothing.The reason is the sensitivity and suspicion caused by her inner inferiority complex.Over time, the whole person shrinks and degenerates, and thus loses its due value, and inadvertently ruins happiness with its own hands.

Unreasonable suspicion between husband and wife is a major hazard that destroys a marriage. However, after living together for a long time, it is inevitable that there will be such "focus" behaviors several times. To prevent this from happening, both husband and wife need to work together:
1.The most important thing for couples to get along is to trust each other.Marriage is a social relationship. When considering whether to marry each other, the men and women who make up the marriage, in addition to considering the agreed conditions, trust is an essential factor.Women usually commit their lives to a man they can trust.The same is true for men, he will never marry a woman who makes him suspicious.Among the five elements of marriage, trust is the most important factor, and it is also the factor that is most likely to cause a breakdown in the relationship between husband and wife.Especially in the aspect of heterosexual communication, both parties must give each other an objective space, and must not baselessly suspect that the other party has an improper relationship with a certain opposite sex, otherwise unnecessary embarrassment and resentment will arise.Even if the misunderstanding is eliminated, the resulting emotional rift is difficult to repair.Therefore, smart couples must pay attention not to let the "fairy" of suspicion easily occupy an undeserved position in their minds.

2.You don't believe it until you know each other.Only when you are in marriage can you understand and appreciate the true meaning of the phrase "marriage needs to be managed". "If you know each other by appearance, you will not be suspicious, and if you do not trust each other, you will know each other by long." Good communication and mutual understanding are the main ways to resolve conflicts between husband and wife.

3.If you love me, don't doubt me.I have always thought that once fortifications and suspicions arise between people, it is over, and there will never be pure love or friendship with each other, especially between husband and wife.

4.Responsibility is strict but treats others leniently.There is too much suspicion between husband and wife, mostly because the husband and wife are not demanding of themselves, but they are demanding of each other.If the husband and wife lower their requirements and take the changes in each other's words and deeds not so seriously, many groundless suspicions will lose their foundation. If the husband and wife are stricter with themselves, think about each other more freely , you will not have unreasonable suspicions about whether the other party has done something that is not good for you, which is not good for you, and you will be suspicious in your heart, and look for troubles.

Psychology class:
1.Constantly improve yourself, purify your mind, improve your spiritual realm, and broaden your mind, so as to enhance your trust in others and eliminate negative psychological interference.

2.Communicate in time to resolve doubts.

3.Learn to comfort yourself.Don't worry about some details of life, you can be confused, so that you can avoid your troubles.

(End of this chapter)