Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs
Chapter 13 The First Derailment
Chapter 13 The First Derailment (6)
"That was my first experience of having an affair. At that time, Meng was pregnant for more than eight months, and I didn't even have sex with her anymore. I met a nurse in the cafe of the hospital during my lunch break. A Wearing a plain white uniform, a very sexy woman. We sat together and chatted. It was obvious that she was willing to strike up a conversation with me. It was time to go back to the office. Before I left, I asked her out for a second time. After get off work, I can enjoy dinner together. She came and we hit it off. Soon I slept with her. She is really sexy and much more enthusiastic than Ah Meng. At this time, I feel very happy and in a good mood Great. I had a sense of accomplishment, like presenting a research paper in front of a group of cardiologists.
Our extramarital affair lasted two months and then it faded away because she was so boring except for sex. "
This was not the case with the first sexual experience with Zhu Lin, which he remembered vividly, not only because it happened only four years ago, but also because it was less satisfying than those other experiences, so it surprised and confused him.
"For some reason, I wasn't really expecting anything from the first night. She was charming and I was interested in her. Maybe that's why, maybe I liked her too much and didn't want her to be as easy as everyone else I got it. I didn't expect her to give herself so easily. Afterwards, I had a feeling that I had never felt before. I felt that I was humble, and that she was also humble. I hoped that she would be different from other women, but it turned out not to be the case.
When I took her home I decided not to see her again.On the way home, I told myself it was okay, she was just like any other woman.But I couldn't sleep, and I finally admitted to wanting to call her, just not right away; I'm going to hold off for a while, let things cool down, and try again. "
For Fu Zhongru and many people who have easily entered the world of affairs, extramarital affairs are a luxury, a source of supplement to increase the joy of marriage, a testament to personal strength, and a symbol of personal charm. Something they briefly gain from each new affair.Their marriage and life would be unbearable without it.It is the act of "conquering" that they are satisfied with, not the relationship with the conquered.Therefore, it makes sense that their affair was shallow and short-lived.
Some people, despite their strong conscience and values of love and marriage, can easily have a first affair because some special situation temporarily lowers their defenses, so they override the inner conflict.Alcohol, for example, combined with no-holds-barred social situations, can sometimes have this effect.Company New Year's parties, large-scale New Year's Eve parties, and certain festive occasions may create a special atmosphere of freedom.At this time, it often makes people feel that anything can be done.On such occasions, with the addition of free-flowing wine, a person who usually acts according to conscience or timidity may easily do things in the attic, in the hotel, etc., which are usually considered impossible. .
However, this kind of thing doesn't happen very often in practice.Only one in five of our respondents said alcohol was a factor in their first affair, and only one in [-] of these cited it as a significant factor.
Another influence is the impact of the veteran of the affair, who is not only touching but also seductive, sympathetic and trustworthy.Such an inducer will be a watershed moment for an affair person.A neurotic young poetess is married to a dull and hard-working business executive.She was emotionally hungry and nervous.At a literary party, she met a well-known beauty hunter.She immediately took a liking to the painter's appearance and manner:
"He was dark, high-spirited, slovenly, unruly, the very embodiment of my teenage fantasies. He frightened me to death, and I loved it, and that's how he came to me. He saw right away that I had something So tender and fragile. Although he was a VIP, he showed me around and introduced me, making me feel special and important. Besides painting, he also runs a calligraphy and painting gallery, specializing in contemporary famous Calligraphy and paintings by young people. A few days later, I went to his shop, under the pretext of buying some prints for the school library. He understood right away, and hugged me directly, saying:
'I'm glad you came. '
He makes it feel like I should go to him if I want him, and that's the right thing to do.He chatted with me for a while, warm and gentle, wild and reliable.He told me that he and his wife want each other to be as happy as possible, and therefore allow each other a piece of personal freedom.I'm dizzy.Then he said very gently but firmly: 'Let's go upstairs. ' With that, he locked the store door and put up a sign saying 'Back in an hour'.I followed him upstairs without hesitation.In fact, I'm very happy. "
A person who is usually not capable of cheating meets a person who is more suitable than his spouse and feels strong attraction. In this case, he may have sex for the first time without hesitation or guilt.
A 35-year-old woman returned to university after her children finished primary school.Although her marriage is boring, it is stable enough.Before she went to a class with a well-known history professor, "I had heard for a long time that he was a good scholar, and thought he was a serious, stern old man.
On the first day of class, he walked into the classroom, tall, straight, full of vitality, and a pair of deep and sharp eyes.I immediately felt a strong spiritual shock.He paid special attention to me repeatedly during his lectures.After two weeks, I went to him to discuss the term report, and within a short time he invited me to lunch.After dinner, he called a car and invited me to the river.Of course, neither of us would normally think of such a thing.
As soon as the car started, he leaned over and kissed me.I gasped and said: 'Can't be here! 'Of course I mean don't show up in front of drivers you don't know.So we made an appointment to meet again in two days. "
The Mixed Emotions of First-Time Infidelity
The immediate emotional effects of a first extramarital sexual experience are often mixed.Very few people react either positively or negatively to what they do.Most people's feelings are both positive and negative, or one after the other.The traditional public opinion has always believed that an extramarital affair is just a short-lived physical sensation that will wither as soon as it is over.Some honest and kind-hearted people say that it is foolish to cause pain to the spouse and destroy the love of husband and wife for the sake of "short and insignificant pleasure".But most marital infidelities see it differently, extolling this fleeting and insignificant pleasure, while also having a lot to say about other, longer-lasting acts.Among the behaviors that emerge from a first affair is the fact that the cheater discovers that he does have some likable qualities.A third of our survey respondents confessed to feeling a sense of pride as a result of their first affair, with an overwhelming majority saying it made them happier, younger, and more confident, at least for a while.Our interviewees emphasized these points in particular.
For some, the self-esteem effect of a first affair is not due to a specific gain in sexual or emotional competence, but rather to a broad renewing of confidence brought about by a personal triumph.They will say things like: "I've been feeling discouraged with myself. If my husband doesn't want me, then I'm not worth it. But this has changed the situation. I can finally win men over. I no problem."
"I proved to myself that even as a 45-year-old man, I can still attract new love, which gave me a lot of mental lift."
"She appreciates my qualities, she values me, and she gives me everything. It makes me feel like a man again for the first time."
"That first experience made me feel like I was different, a woman worthy of a man's attention and worth pursuing."
But for many people, the boost in evaluation and self-esteem has been about discovering their own abilities, especially when it comes to sexuality.Some people lose their sexual confidence in a bad marriage. Once they find that their abilities have recovered in extramarital sexual relations, they immediately feel relieved and happy.
But there are often more intense reactions in people who have never explored their potential, for whom the first experience of extramarital sex is a bright light and a dizzying light.
(End of this chapter)
"That was my first experience of having an affair. At that time, Meng was pregnant for more than eight months, and I didn't even have sex with her anymore. I met a nurse in the cafe of the hospital during my lunch break. A Wearing a plain white uniform, a very sexy woman. We sat together and chatted. It was obvious that she was willing to strike up a conversation with me. It was time to go back to the office. Before I left, I asked her out for a second time. After get off work, I can enjoy dinner together. She came and we hit it off. Soon I slept with her. She is really sexy and much more enthusiastic than Ah Meng. At this time, I feel very happy and in a good mood Great. I had a sense of accomplishment, like presenting a research paper in front of a group of cardiologists.
Our extramarital affair lasted two months and then it faded away because she was so boring except for sex. "
This was not the case with the first sexual experience with Zhu Lin, which he remembered vividly, not only because it happened only four years ago, but also because it was less satisfying than those other experiences, so it surprised and confused him.
"For some reason, I wasn't really expecting anything from the first night. She was charming and I was interested in her. Maybe that's why, maybe I liked her too much and didn't want her to be as easy as everyone else I got it. I didn't expect her to give herself so easily. Afterwards, I had a feeling that I had never felt before. I felt that I was humble, and that she was also humble. I hoped that she would be different from other women, but it turned out not to be the case.
When I took her home I decided not to see her again.On the way home, I told myself it was okay, she was just like any other woman.But I couldn't sleep, and I finally admitted to wanting to call her, just not right away; I'm going to hold off for a while, let things cool down, and try again. "
For Fu Zhongru and many people who have easily entered the world of affairs, extramarital affairs are a luxury, a source of supplement to increase the joy of marriage, a testament to personal strength, and a symbol of personal charm. Something they briefly gain from each new affair.Their marriage and life would be unbearable without it.It is the act of "conquering" that they are satisfied with, not the relationship with the conquered.Therefore, it makes sense that their affair was shallow and short-lived.
Some people, despite their strong conscience and values of love and marriage, can easily have a first affair because some special situation temporarily lowers their defenses, so they override the inner conflict.Alcohol, for example, combined with no-holds-barred social situations, can sometimes have this effect.Company New Year's parties, large-scale New Year's Eve parties, and certain festive occasions may create a special atmosphere of freedom.At this time, it often makes people feel that anything can be done.On such occasions, with the addition of free-flowing wine, a person who usually acts according to conscience or timidity may easily do things in the attic, in the hotel, etc., which are usually considered impossible. .
However, this kind of thing doesn't happen very often in practice.Only one in five of our respondents said alcohol was a factor in their first affair, and only one in [-] of these cited it as a significant factor.
Another influence is the impact of the veteran of the affair, who is not only touching but also seductive, sympathetic and trustworthy.Such an inducer will be a watershed moment for an affair person.A neurotic young poetess is married to a dull and hard-working business executive.She was emotionally hungry and nervous.At a literary party, she met a well-known beauty hunter.She immediately took a liking to the painter's appearance and manner:
"He was dark, high-spirited, slovenly, unruly, the very embodiment of my teenage fantasies. He frightened me to death, and I loved it, and that's how he came to me. He saw right away that I had something So tender and fragile. Although he was a VIP, he showed me around and introduced me, making me feel special and important. Besides painting, he also runs a calligraphy and painting gallery, specializing in contemporary famous Calligraphy and paintings by young people. A few days later, I went to his shop, under the pretext of buying some prints for the school library. He understood right away, and hugged me directly, saying:
'I'm glad you came. '
He makes it feel like I should go to him if I want him, and that's the right thing to do.He chatted with me for a while, warm and gentle, wild and reliable.He told me that he and his wife want each other to be as happy as possible, and therefore allow each other a piece of personal freedom.I'm dizzy.Then he said very gently but firmly: 'Let's go upstairs. ' With that, he locked the store door and put up a sign saying 'Back in an hour'.I followed him upstairs without hesitation.In fact, I'm very happy. "
A person who is usually not capable of cheating meets a person who is more suitable than his spouse and feels strong attraction. In this case, he may have sex for the first time without hesitation or guilt.
A 35-year-old woman returned to university after her children finished primary school.Although her marriage is boring, it is stable enough.Before she went to a class with a well-known history professor, "I had heard for a long time that he was a good scholar, and thought he was a serious, stern old man.
On the first day of class, he walked into the classroom, tall, straight, full of vitality, and a pair of deep and sharp eyes.I immediately felt a strong spiritual shock.He paid special attention to me repeatedly during his lectures.After two weeks, I went to him to discuss the term report, and within a short time he invited me to lunch.After dinner, he called a car and invited me to the river.Of course, neither of us would normally think of such a thing.
As soon as the car started, he leaned over and kissed me.I gasped and said: 'Can't be here! 'Of course I mean don't show up in front of drivers you don't know.So we made an appointment to meet again in two days. "
The Mixed Emotions of First-Time Infidelity
The immediate emotional effects of a first extramarital sexual experience are often mixed.Very few people react either positively or negatively to what they do.Most people's feelings are both positive and negative, or one after the other.The traditional public opinion has always believed that an extramarital affair is just a short-lived physical sensation that will wither as soon as it is over.Some honest and kind-hearted people say that it is foolish to cause pain to the spouse and destroy the love of husband and wife for the sake of "short and insignificant pleasure".But most marital infidelities see it differently, extolling this fleeting and insignificant pleasure, while also having a lot to say about other, longer-lasting acts.Among the behaviors that emerge from a first affair is the fact that the cheater discovers that he does have some likable qualities.A third of our survey respondents confessed to feeling a sense of pride as a result of their first affair, with an overwhelming majority saying it made them happier, younger, and more confident, at least for a while.Our interviewees emphasized these points in particular.
For some, the self-esteem effect of a first affair is not due to a specific gain in sexual or emotional competence, but rather to a broad renewing of confidence brought about by a personal triumph.They will say things like: "I've been feeling discouraged with myself. If my husband doesn't want me, then I'm not worth it. But this has changed the situation. I can finally win men over. I no problem."
"I proved to myself that even as a 45-year-old man, I can still attract new love, which gave me a lot of mental lift."
"She appreciates my qualities, she values me, and she gives me everything. It makes me feel like a man again for the first time."
"That first experience made me feel like I was different, a woman worthy of a man's attention and worth pursuing."
But for many people, the boost in evaluation and self-esteem has been about discovering their own abilities, especially when it comes to sexuality.Some people lose their sexual confidence in a bad marriage. Once they find that their abilities have recovered in extramarital sexual relations, they immediately feel relieved and happy.
But there are often more intense reactions in people who have never explored their potential, for whom the first experience of extramarital sex is a bright light and a dizzying light.
(End of this chapter)
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