Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 14 The First Derailment (7)
"Over the years my wife has always said 'it's too late' or 'not tonight'. Even when she agreed, she seemed less interested and less excited. Sometimes we argued about it and she said she was sorry. But I was with another woman who was so excited by my voice, my hands, and even my smell that I was amazed at how strongly she reacted. I got up early in the morning looking for a cigarette, and by accident I found myself in the mirror, I Saying: 'I'm so proud of you. You're awesome! And you never knew it.' I looked up and walked down the street feeling really young."

Women are less likely to respond as strongly because, in our culture, women's sexual prowess is not seen as a success in the same way as men's.That being said, here's what some women have to say about their sexual awakening from a first affair:
"I'm 27 years old and I never had any calls. Then this man suddenly came into my life. He was one of my husband's clients, he was so nice to me, and I went along with it. He was by no means my true love. but it turned me on. He was so different from my husband, sensual and wild and at the same time so free and natural. I kept thinking: 'I have feelings, I'm a normal person after all. woman.'"

For others, much of the self-esteem effect of a first extramarital sex stems from seeing oneself as a romantic figure, reactivating the long-unused art of courtship.This is exactly the case with Luo Xiao.

Luo Xiao and Wang Tomb

Luo Xiao insists that his marriage has always been very happy, but it is pleasant rather than passionate, regular rather than romantic.His wife Zeng Wen is too calm, elegant and polite, which prevents him from doing the actions he has always dreamed of but never tried.Although Wang Ying is far inferior to Zeng Wen in intelligence and education, and his appearance is much inferior, he can make him do impulsive things that he can't think of.He even despised her for walking barefoot on the floor, her tacky attire, but found everything about her irresistible.

From the very beginning, his and her trip to Shenzhen was full of behaviors almost like a great escape.He gave her a ticket and told her to wait for him at the Southern Airlines gate at the airport.But Zeng Wen insisted on sending him off with the child that afternoon.Before leaving home, he pretended that he wanted to make an emergency call, and hurried back to the house.He called Wang Ying's BP and left a message telling her to wait for him at the cafe at the airport.At the airport, Zeng Wen saw that he had checked in before leaving.As soon as she was out of his sight, he rushed into the cafe and found the bewildered king's tomb.His explanation made the other party giggle.He is quite proud of his witty handling between his wife and mistress, and always maintaining that mature, gentle, and unflappable masculinity.

Wang Ying was immersed in the good mood of vacation, reveling in the luxury and comfort of the first-class cabin, with sweet drinks, Dolby stereo, a TV for each person in front of the seat, and the spectacle of rolling clouds outside the plane window.He told her that Zhang Tengge, a client of this trip, specially prepared a yacht for them.She was even happier to hear that.

Neither Luo Xiao nor Wang Ying had the experience of traveling on a yacht. In their eyes, it was an exotic thing.The deck is spotless, the living room is covered with luxurious carpets, the walls are hung with fake oil paintings, and the cabin is elegant and noble.Putting on casual clothes, they came to the open rear deck to join Zhang Tengge and his girlfriend chatting.Luo Xiao was leaning on a bench, the evening wind gently blowing his cheeks with the smell of fish from the sea, he felt a little dizzy after drinking a glass of Casper.Wang Ying was wearing well-fitting shorts and a suspenders that reached the navel, and her two breasts stood out, very eye-catching.She leaned against Luo Xiao, while singing the song "Meeting in [-]" sung by Faye Wong and Na Ying in a low voice, Zhang Tengge's girlfriend also joined in in harmony, one low and one high, really nice.What a night!Luo Xiao, a handsome, young and witty contemporary, enjoys a life he never dreamed of.All arrangements seem to be right and logical.

After a sumptuous dinner in the dining room late at night, they drank red wine on the deck and said good night to each other.By this time, Luo Xiao had no hesitation, and the next thing seemed to be right and natural.

"I don't have any special sexual impulses. What I have is a comfortable sense of excitement and relaxation. There is no worry, no embarrassment, and no strangeness. This is the most wonderful thing. In this respect, she can be said to be excited and active .I felt very good. That night, I was in harmony with myself and the whole world, without conflict and opposition."

A third new discovery involves not only sexual competence and romance, but also deep emotional responses.In other words, discover yourself in the full range of lover roles.Here are two quotes from people who have had this experience:
"I have been thinking about leaving my husband for three years, but I have never been sure about myself. I am afraid of facing single life, and I am worried that the whole problem is just my one-sided, as the ancients said, 'sorry for Fu Xinshiqiang'. But with me After spending the weekend with my lover, I understood everything. I didn’t want to marry him, but during that weekend, I understood too much about my own feelings and my ability to communicate with him. Therefore, I have great respect for I was completely taken aback, almost hugged myself, and cried over my romantic years."

"The first time I was with him was exciting and romantic. It was light rain in April, a secret tryst, and I had sex all afternoon...but it was still a typical extramarital affair at best. But after a few days, I took her on a business trip. We called a car for a drive along the coast road on the [-]st. It was a sunny day, and the Pacific Ocean seemed to be endless below the road, and this lovely girl was beside me, gentle and loving, with a good brain and a competitive spirit like mine My wife, who was also nervous, was very different. She was next to me, with her hand lightly on my shoulder. Suddenly, it was as if I really fell in love with her, and with her I was a different person, a better one. People. I understand that this is life, it's almost a mystical experience. I feel alive, really alive, on another planet.

Discovering one's true potential, or a long-discarded ideal self, brings joy and a sense of openness that deserves careful study.How common are these effects?How long can it last?How deep is it in changing your personal life?All of these questions are relevant to the implications of marital infidelity in modern society, yet behavioral scientists have largely ignored them.

The overwhelming majority of extramarital affair psychologists stay within the tradition of examining only cases of infidelity involving mental illness or marital dissatisfaction, or arising from adverse psychological and social consequences.In fact, Dr. Kinsey, Ellis, and Chubb have all pointed out that a considerable number of extramarital affairs arise from normal motives and have no destructive consequences.But even they didn't delve into the value of certain extramarital experiences in promoting self-esteem and character growth.

Sun Yiwei and Qin Meizhi

Qin Meizhi was out all day, and when she came home, her husband, Han Xiaowu, was sitting on the sofa reading a newspaper sullenly.Her entry did not interest him in the slightest.Qin Meizhi felt fortunate instead.

"I want to quietly recall what happened with Yiwei that day, revisit every moment of making love, and recall every word Sun Yiwei said to me. I am afraid that my husband will look at me carefully and see some clues from my face Come on. That night, and even when I woke up the next day, I still felt warm inside, very sensitive, and that feeling was almost symbolic: I was awake.

On Sunday, I made a point of being nice to my husband and telling him I had recovered from my upset.He was so nice that he didn't think about it in other ways.He was very happy to hear my words.I am also happy; I am in a good mood, and I hope he is also in a good mood.It's not his fault that I've lived so pale in the past two years, it's my fault.You allow yourself to close inside.Now, your whole being is alive again! "

After Qin Meizhi left, Sun Yiwei took a glass of red wine and sipped slowly, exhausted but immersed in introspection: this is the taste of change, rebirth, and seeing the light.It turns out that I only know my own character: well-behaved, good at restraint, reason is better than emotion, prudence is better than boldness, restrained but not wild, in short, a typical dull gentleman.But that morning, everything was different, every nerve ending was sharp, and every time I recalled the freedom and wildness of that day, it was like sublating my old self.

When I woke up the next morning, memories flooded my mind like sunshine pouring down.All morning he'd been expecting her to call, even though they'd agreed not to take unnecessary risks.He tried repeatedly to find an excuse to call her, but held back.He couldn't settle down to read the "City Lady" in front of him, so he put down the magazine, called a couple of friends, and explained to them that his wife took the children out, and he hadn't seen them for a long time, and wanted to see them.

Several times during dinner, he had the urge to tell them about his rebirth, but reason stopped him.He knew they would only be disgusted, not happy.Being a "new" person in an old environment is a strange and unsettling experience.

(End of this chapter)