Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 15 Extramarital Affair Syndrome (1)
From the initial acquaintance to mutual admiration, and then to the irresistible physical union, this process is so smooth that extramarital affairs are often unaware of themselves, and the burning love makes them forget all the unsatisfactory things in their married life.However, at the moment when the love gradually escalated and reached its peak, they suddenly found a canyon in front of them and stopped moving forward.When the two were immersed in happiness, thinking that this was the paradise of Eden for sex, they realized that there was a wilderness overgrown with weeds in front of them, and they needed to face it calmly.

guilt culture
Years ago, the anthropologist Ruth Benedict was the first to draw a sharp distinction between two major ways in which society inhibits disobedience: The first is the culture of guilt, which builds on the minds of growing children in the form of conscience and self-control. Create barriers; the second is a culture of shame, using external barriers or social punishment as a tool, such as losing face, fines, or imprisonment.She said that for a long time, American society has basically been a culture of guilt, but at that time (6) it had begun to shift to a culture of shame similar to that of China, Japan or ancient Greece.Despite the dramatic social changes of the past generation, this process of transformation is still ongoing.Guilt and shame are two control mechanisms that exist side by side in society and in many people.But there is a polarity in it.In the case of affairs, traditional adherents and low-involvement individuals are easily held back by fear of exposure and practical consequences.Of course, many people fall into the middle ground, where the two mechanisms operate alternately, or simultaneously, within them.

But what happens when the barrier fails and individuals engage in socially forbidden behaviors in order to achieve pain-free pleasure?The result of behavioral psychology research is that we expect the power of resistance to weaken, and indeed, the evidence for this abounds.But this transition doesn't happen overnight. After the first cheating, fear and guilt can come back briefly and intensely.Immediately after an initial affair, many people (including some who initially felt happy) experience a temporary, intense sense of depression.

Some new cheaters have never had this kind of experience.Based on our interviews and other sources, we estimate that between one-quarter and one-half of new cheaters do not experience increased fear and guilt after their first extramarital sexual experience; It turns out that's not the case at all.Most unaffected people are low-engagement, weak-conscience people who lack guilt and then believe that their failures or fears were artificially exaggerated.

Some, after the fog of passion dissipated, saw some ill-conceived risks in what they were doing:
"It took two days for me to feel the lag effect. When the phone rang and my wife answered it, she seemed very confused about what the other person was saying. Based on what I heard from the sidelines, I guessed what happened. It was the girl I spent two days ago in Wushan. She checked the phone book and found me. She thought there was nothing wrong with calling. When she found out that it was her call, I almost wet my pants.

For the next two weeks, whenever the phone rang, I would instinctively jump out of my chair.I don't know when things will come to light. "

Many things can trigger similar fears: an inexplicable promotional parking letter from a hotel on the outskirts of town; a small red spot or slight discomfort in the private parts of the body; a late period;

There is also a negative reaction based on external reality factors rather than guilt, and that is aversion to the shabby or tacky experience experienced during sex.The sex, perhaps in a dingy third-rate hotel, is clumsy and rushed.Sex can also be emotionally flat and meaningless.All these factors and the corresponding environmental conditions can leave behind a bad feeling.

Many people who have had an affair for the first time experience the pain and struggle of conscience dictates.Many of these individuals suffer psychological or physical ailments from guilt shortly after their first affair, including insomnia, hysterical crying, inability to eat, vomiting, diarrhea, migraines, inability to concentrate, psychological compulsion to wash their hands, and depression.

Unconscious guilt is far more serious.Sometimes it is unconsciously wishing to tell the spouse the truth in order to obtain some kind of spiritual relief.The more frequent form is self-punishment, which replaces the punishment that society or the spouse rightly imposes on itself.In addition, extramarital parties may also have unfounded and stubborn fears day and night that things are in danger of being discovered.There was a man who was worried all day long that he would talk in his sleep and divulge the affairs of his affair to his wife who knew nothing about it. As a result, he could not sleep well for more than a month.

There is a woman who has taken triple measures to guard against sexual behavior in advance.Despite this, she worried about pregnancy, resulting in a false pregnancy that lasted for two months and drove her to the verge of insanity.

There are also extramarital parties who become paranoid about phone calls, letters, or any ambiguity or pun from a spouse.

One of the most distressing and common after-effects of a first affair is various sexual dysfunctions.

"After two days of private meetings, I dragged home exhausted and happy. However, I worried what would happen if my wife wanted to have sex. Fortunately, she was still on treatment for cystitis and could do nothing. A week after she healed I still had no libido. Just a week ago I was having frequent orgasms and could have sex five or six times in two days. My wife made all the hints: special nightgowns, bedside lamps Etc. Now, I have to try, but it didn't work. I was so depressed that I couldn't work or sleep for days. It took a week or two before the feeling cleared up a little. But the problem itself It dragged on for three months, until I went to see a psychiatrist for more than ten treatments before it gradually disappeared.”

After a woman had several extramarital sexual acts, the scene of her sexual experience has been flashing in her mind so far, which has affected her sexual life with her husband.This phenomenon of "relapse of sexual experience" caused by extramarital sexual indulgence is actually a manifestation of "obsessive-compulsive neurosis".Sexual repression can lead to neurosis and psychosis, which is the result of the "re-emergence of sexual experience" discovered by American psychologists in recent years.Psychologists found that when they had sex with their legal spouses, previous sexual situations flashed in their minds, every time, and they were extremely painful.Because this is a kind of obsessive-compulsive neurosis, the more the patient is afraid of this situation, the more he can't get rid of it, especially the sexual behavior involves the deep pain in people's hearts. In this situation, where there is still interest in sex, everything will become dull.

"Relapse of sexual experience" is more common in women, because women emphasize emotions, and the traces of sexual experience on women's hearts will be deeper and more difficult to erase with time.Whenever they were with their husbands, the images of men who had sex with her before flashed in their minds, which seriously hindered their sex life and even affected the relationship between husband and wife. Some people were forced to divorce because of this.

In some people, extramarital affair syndrome can lead to an extramarital relationship taking a turn for the worse.Several of our interviewees described their first extramarital sexual relationship as an initial build-up of sexual desire and intimacy, but at a certain point where one partner temporarily withdraws or abruptly breaks off the relationship.Even when the danger of discovery is minimal, even if extramarital experiences are liberating and life-enriching, and seem to have no conflict with marriage, deep-seated guilt can create a sense of inexplicable foreboding that unknowingly turns into a punishing fantasy.And in order to escape from the ominous fate, the first thing is to avoid all extramarital experiences that can bring joy.

Xia Meng and Tian Tian

As far as Xia Meng is concerned, it is clear that at the beginning of his relationship with Tian Tian, ​​his feelings for her challenged and endangered his marriage, while at the same time expressing his dislike for his wife Yanan.Thus, his bout of extramarital affair syndrome was apparently caused by the above reasons.He stated in his diary:
It is wishful thinking to accept the non-aggressive love of Tian Tian and Yanan at the same time.The first time the guilt kicked in full force was in the week following that ecstatic day the affair was consummated.During this week, he and Tian Tian contacted each other by phone every day, but they did not attend business meetings together. They believed that the appearance of both in front of others might arouse suspicion.

However, during this week, Tian Tian still managed to open a private room with him in the hotel for half a day, and also spent a night at his house.He told her husband Luo Yiming that she was reunited with two college classmates for dinner.Both encounters were ecstasy.

On Friday night, he was home alone.Yanan called back and said she would go home after lunch on Saturday or early Sunday morning, depending on the weather.She asked him if he was not feeling well, because his voice sounded tired and husky.He said he was in good health, but his speech was cold and hostile to her coming home with the child.He knows: this is a warning sign that his feelings for Yanan have changed:
"I hung up the phone, feeling uneasy. I poured a large glass of white wine, sat on the sofa, and reminded myself not to go on like this. In fact, Yanan is innocent. Thinking of her long-distance bus ride with her child with limited space. Going home, what should I do if she dies in an accident? I will be very sad. I sit silently and explore the depth of my grief. Of course, Tian Tian and I can... God! I can't Denial, this subconscious is mean and petty, and I hate myself for being selfish. But the thoughts still come uninvited. I walk around the room. I refuse to believe, but I can't answer whether this consciousness is real or not."

He drank too much and went to bed wobbly.After lying down for more than half an hour, I suddenly woke up, remembering that I forgot to check carefully whether there were hairpins, cigarette butts stained with lipstick, and other clues that could make Yanan discover something strange.He remembered the obvious smell on the sheets, so he hurriedly changed the sheets and put them in the washing machine to tumble again, and then dried them in the dryer.

"I didn't go to bed until three o'clock in the morning. I was still terrified, obviously because I was a novice and didn't know where the danger lay. (When I checked in at the hotel three days ago, I was worried that if the counter asked us What should I do if I show my marriage certificate.) Then I fell asleep and had a nightmare. I dreamed that two people, one Asian man and the other a man whose face could not be seen clearly, were building a comparison They are still tall octahedrons; most of them have been built. Looking at it, I was terrified. When I woke up, I only felt that I was about to suffocate, gasping for breath, and my heart was beating hard. It took me a long time to recover from the dream. I tried to recall the dream, and vaguely remembered that Luo Yiming and Yanan were together to piece together the facts. Will they know about Tian Tian and me?
All night and the next day I tried to do something serious, but I couldn't get my mind together.It was late, and I decided that Yanan would not be home until Sunday, and I was a little happy because it would give me an extra day to face her and my feelings. "

Although Tian Tian was not spared from the same guilt, her situation was not so serious because the nature of her marital relationship was different.

"At the beginning of this relationship, I didn't care about lying to Luo Yiming, and even used watching the death of my mother and Guilian as a shield to run away. However, after Xia Meng and I became lovers, I immediately felt anxious. Because the affair became true. Later, for the two times I met Xia Meng, I continued to fabricate lies, but found that I don’t like being a liar. I can see that Luo has doubts, but he just doesn’t say it. I know this is What I've done over the years, sometimes I feel hot and mean; and he's softer and more careful than I've known him.

What bothered me the most was that while I was hiding the whole thing from Ro, I was hoping he'd see the truth in my behavior and have a big fight, throw pots and bowls, and divorce me.I really don't want to take the responsibility of disintegrating the marriage, I hope he will take it.But I know that even if I get what I want, the fault is not with Luo, but with me.I have made up my mind that my relationship with Xia Meng must be cautious, and I must not take the risk of being discovered by others. "

spiritual struggle

Now, the cheater is in an embarrassing situation: how to withdraw from the infidelity and step into the original marriage again.He or she knows that the hurt partner will return the wink and he or she will begin a long prison sentence.But you can't bear to let go of your child and embark on the road of no return to divorce?
I didn't intend to fall in love with someone else, but I fell into it recklessly, and it fell deep.Now, I really don't know which side to give up.

When the emotion is derailed, I never have the consciousness of hurting you, and I never stop loving you.Can we restore the old one?

Once your extramarital affair is disclosed, many psychological conflicts may arise.Clearly, your partner is going through very different psychological conflicts than you.No matter how bad you feel, an affair will never affect you as much as the partner you cheated on.It was a feeling that had never been experienced before, as if the sky was falling apart, and the feeling of being overwhelmed and painful:
First of all, when you are enjoying the good luck, regaining a new life experience from an extramarital affair, embracing your lover and experiencing an emotional turmoil, loving, being loved, embracing, kissing, and rubbing your ears, do you want to However, your partner is suffering from the pain of being abandoned by his beloved, and is living alone in a corner of the family with tears washing his face. The dark room is accompanied by loneliness, and endless thoughts are disturbing him.He/she is feeling ashamed of himself in the loneliness of being neglected and abandoned by you, and feels lost about the uncertain future of marriage.

While your partner is enduring a completely different and more complex sense of loss than you, I bet you, too, are living in self-defining purgatory.Although letting go of yourself and revealing your secrets to the world temporarily allows you to let go of the big rock in your heart and find a moment of comfort and relief in your heart, your heart is still struggling.When the fire of lust that you have experienced is still burning, and your beloved lover is still tempted by all kinds of styles, on the one hand, you are still living in the emotional entanglement and cannot bear to part with each other; on the other hand, because of your deceit and infidelity, let Partners and children feel guilty for suffering innocently.You experience the pain of your partner and children, and you blame yourself and punish yourself, but it does nothing to alleviate their pain.

You may also try to give your relationship another try, only to find out that your partner isn't letting it go.

When you are struggling with many choices and preparing to fight your way out, you suddenly find yourself stuck in the "minefield" of choices and cannot move.Where to go, this road has long been blocked.

When you are struggling to find order in your life in the chaos of your thoughts, your partner has no extra thought to understand your dilemma and embarrassment.

Whether you're struggling to say "goodbye" to your lover, or grieving the loss of a close friend, it's only about you, and you can only deal with it.Expecting pity and understanding will only drive your partner further away from you.What is most urgent right now is to identify which emotions you often experience:

Get relief in the disclosure of the truth. "I'm tired of lying." Once the truth comes out of your mouth, you will feel a heart and spirit release that cannot be repeated.For too long, your mood has been weighed down by hiding the truth about things.You were worried about the consequences of speaking out, but now once you speak out, you feel an unprecedented relief. It is a kind of joy of being "released from prison" and seeing the light of day: you walk out of the heavily guarded prison door with your luggage, and look up at the blue sky Baiyun, relaxed and happy.For so long, you have been living in the midst of extramarital lies and lies, and now you feel completely free after the ban is lifted.You even feel refreshed, as if your whole body has been cleansed and purified.

Huang Chengcheng, a married fifty-something hotel manager, is happy to finally be off that suffocating "track":
(End of this chapter)