Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 16 Extramarital Affair Syndrome (2)
"I have told a lot of lies and deceived many people. I no longer know who I am. Sometimes, my lies are accidentally discovered by the other party, so I have a brainstorm to make up for it. Over time, that kind of The lie of "digging the meat to fix the sore" has long been full of loopholes. The more loopholes there are, the more we have to think hard to justify it. Every time my lover and I go back home after an evening date, we keep cursing that the program is blocked. My nerves collapsed to the extreme, knowing that I was going home late, and I had to face all kinds of questioning from my wife. I successfully avoided the danger of many lies being exposed, but I became more and more worried. Something always happened. I was determined not to let myself live in a life of fear and disintegration. I was too old for such young people's tricks. When she finally confronted me, I almost told the truth. Answer. I am completely forgiven and, more importantly, relieved!"

Restoring trust is conceived in the embryo of time.Once the extramarital affair is revealed, you are eager to rebuild the relationship between the two of you.In fact, what you want is not just to rebuild the world of two people, you hope to eliminate the self-guilt in the face of your partner's pain.However, you keep downplaying the harm you caused to the other party, which instead makes him feel extremely resentful.The intensity of the betrayed partner's anger must be as deep as the infidelity's obsession with the affair, the distress of being hurt as much as the joy the infidelity derives from the extramarital relationship, and the revenge as the infidelity's cheating during the affair depth.

You're deeply apologetic, but impatiently skeptical. "How long am I going to take it? He's constantly using insults to trigger my guilt. But it doesn't seem to be doing anything, it's just pushing us to the brink of another breakup."

A staff member of the S City Stamp Company bravely confessed the truth about the extramarital affair to his wife with the encouragement of his parents. He believed that his mistakes had been washed away by tears and true feelings, and he hoped that his wife would give him a chance to "turn the prodigal son back".However, she remained unmoved. "How could the pain he gave me be soothed with one or two understatement words and tears. He knew today, so why bother?"

Shock, pain, anger, hopelessness, and letting go are some of the most common responses from injured partners.If you expect these reactions to go away quickly, it will only increase your frustration.There is no quick cure, only the so-called "experience channel" to treat you, that is, through your own specific and good performance, gradually accumulate the degree to which your partner regains trust in you.Restoring your partner's trust is conceived in the embryo of time. This is not only because your courage and sincerity to admit your mistakes need to be tested through practice, but also because your partner's marrow hurt by your extramarital incidents also needs to be "smoothed". smoothen.Now, you need to be self-sufficient, treat your partner's emotional ups and downs with sympathy and patience as much as possible, use your words or even your body to comfort him, and let your partner feel that the former lively, considerate and caring partner is by your side again.In time, he will subtly turn to you, and feel that reunion with you is no longer dangerous, unpredictable, and meaningless.

The relationship with the lover has always been haunted. "As long as I keep busy, I'll be fine." Now that the affair is out, there are ways you can deal with the anxiety that comes with it.You are willing to try anything that takes you out of the real world without having to face the problem of having an affair, such as watching TV, exercising, shopping, reading, and socializing.

"After I confessed the truth to my wife and broke up with my lover, I was really eager to start a new life," Junying told Xinhua. "I never give myself room to think about it, and I seldom realize the consequences of this incident. I forced myself to quit smoking in a short period of time, in order not to let myself find a way to smoke for pain. Reason. I started doing sports, redesigned our bedroom, and tidied up my office. I also bought a mountain bike, and on weekends, with fishing rods and bait, I set foot on dozens of miles to go fishing in the suburbs.

However, all of this doesn't change the core issues with partnerships.It took me months to really learn that this "evasion from the experts" ploy can calm your anxiety for a brief period of time and trick you into thinking that everything in your life has returned to the way it used to be.If you plan to rebuild a new life, compulsive busyness is only a temporary condition, a kind of behavior that is superficially calm and busy, which conceals the actual emptiness and panic from the bottom of your heart, brought about by your extramarital affairs. The sequelae make you unable and impossible to settle down.There is nothing more important than resolving your relationship with your partner in a timely manner.

Keep quiet about infidelity. "I'm doing what I want to do, and it feels good." When the affair is revealed, you feel no guilt about breaking your marriage covenant, and you even keep making all kinds of reasons to justify and excuse your extramarital behavior.The marital and family accidents caused by you alone did not bring any shock waves to you, but it was nothing more than a bolt from the blue to the injured partner.

"It was an almost cruel feeling of indifference," said an engineer named Dai Xueshi, when his cheating wife admitted that she was not at all sorry for having an affair. But he kept his mouth shut and had no regrets."

The following five reasons can be used to explain why Mrs. Dai did something wrong and does not need an apology:

·He no longer cares about the marriage relationship between husband and wife, and uses the form of extramarital affairs to show that he doesn't care.

• Differences in personality that prevent him from empathizing with his partner and taking responsibility for what he does.

· A cumulative feeling of intolerance toward a partner.

·He reveled in an extramarital affair with his lover.

Have their own special set of assumptions about infidelity that they use to justify extramarital affairs.

Here, it is necessary to do some more analysis on the third point.He feels that he is not cared for by the other party, and his contribution is taken for granted by the other party and used.He will also feel that in this marriage and family, what he has paid is far more than what he has received. In order to realize the goals or dreams of the marriage and family, he has sacrificed too much, but he has received very little.Or your real appeal has been repeatedly ignored and delayed by the other party.Over time, dissatisfaction and resentment become a kind of accumulation of extramarital affairs.Once he has an extramarital affair, or the extramarital affair is exposed, he will always push the person who caused the extramarital affair on his partner.The more dissatisfied he was with his partner, the less he felt guilty about his extramarital behavior.The more you resent your partner, the less you resent what you did.

“It is human nature to resent the person who has been hurt.” A Roman historian, Tacitus, said this 2000 years ago.” He responds with anger to what his partner has done to him. As a kind of self-defense, it is not bad, but it makes the resentful lose their self-examination efforts. This is the case of Wang Xibo, a tabloid editor in City Y. When he quarreled with his wife of 12 years, he blurted out, "I've been living in your miserable world for 12 years and I can't go on like this. "Wang finally walked away because of anger. However, he never blamed himself. This is really the blind spot of angry people, because he ignores some of the reasons why he started: he is often away from home, seldom gets together with his children, and is very angry. He paid less attention to the children and never made his wife feel that she was important to him. He even convinced himself that extramarital affairs were an adjustment to married life.

Feel no guilt for your actions.When you're in the midst of the tenderness of an affair, it's hard to imagine that you'll ever get back to reality.The pleasure of getting along with your lover is beyond the negative impact of public opinion on your gossip. In a word, you no longer care what others think, or even think that there is nothing wrong with extramarital affairs. This is a natural right of human beings.

"I feel so happy, what a wonderful world!" said one interviewed extramarital affair. "In fact, the consequences are no longer important, what is important is what you have now." At the moment, the emotional rush has prevented you from analyzing things normally and rationally.

One of the reasons you don't feel guilty is that you use specific assumptions to explain your infidelity.These assumptions make you, the cheater, think you found love and committed long-term relationships in the affair.Other assumptions include "rationalization" of assumptions, defense of self-esteem.Not feeling a tinge of guilt about your extramarital behavior is part of the question because you are backed up by the following beliefs:

"As long as the extramarital affair is out of love, it can be forgiven."

"As long as I'm not really in love with someone else, a fling of the affair isn't a big deal."

"If my partner doesn't know, my affair shouldn't hurt him (or her)."

"One-night stand, one indulgence, will not change our marriage relationship."

"Life is short, you should enjoy yourself in time, meet your lover occasionally, and satisfy your own sensual needs."

"Affairs make me happier."

"The affair fulfills my needs without disrupting my family life. I'm all about the kids."

"Is monogamy an unchangeable iron law?"

"I want to control my emotional impulses, but I can't stop."

"I was born with the kind of person who is easy to cheat emotionally. What can I do?"

"Is there anyone who walks by the river without getting his shoes wet?"

"Every couple has something to hide."

"I have the right to hide some privacy and not have to share it with my other half."

"Since my partner may know that I am cheating emotionally, as long as I don't overdo it, he won't question me face to face."

"Do I have to sacrifice myself to make my partner feel safe or happy?"

"I never promised to be perfect."

"If I pledged to belong entirely to someone, I would definitely be hurt."

You may find that some of these thoughts have undermined your desire to maintain your marriage and family relationship and to develop a sense of real trust with your partner. When it comes to making decisions about extramarital affairs, they may cloud your vision and tend to The thought of approving infidelity could one day actually lead you astray for an extramarital affair.You don't realize until later that this leap has cost you, both of you, your family, and your children so dearly that when you regret it and go back and mend it, the rift is so wide.

A male interviewee named Ao Duo in P City told that in his early years he had always kept the assumption that “all men are used to cheating”.His father's infidelity to his mother led to their permanent divorce, and he cultivated this assumption early in his youth.As an adult, this assumption became a powerful excuse for his promiscuity after marriage.Now, when partners and lovers have left him one after another, when he is alone, he finally understands that what is believed to be true is not necessarily useful or true.

Can't get over that special someone. "I'll never forget the one person who made me feel special." After an affair, you may feel guilty about having to leave your lover at last, and feel the loss for months or even years.It is not difficult to understand the harshness of conscience.A new lover seems to be a new hope in your life, leading you to a world of unprecedented sexual intimacy and sensual stimulation, making your life that has been stagnant and "living from its own source" again.You may feel that you have never been so known, loved, or that life has never been more fun and meaningful for you.A lover can change the way you feel about yourself your whole life, because of him you feel more self-esteem, intelligence, competence, attention, sexiness, and adventure than you ever had before.In short, romantic love will help you "overcome self-criticism," as analyzed by Ethel Spector Person in Dreams of Love and Fateful Encounters.It's natural to feel guilty when you have to leave someone who changed your life, especially the one who gave you a token and promised you "to be together forever."

Jianwei is a ballet dancer in the famous city of S. A few years ago, he went to the United States and ended his relationship with a 35-year-old female artistic director of a dance troupe.To this day, he is still in deep self-blame.

"She gave me, or rather, I had the best time of her life from her," he said. "She is still alone now. She tells people that she is not going to look for an ideal partner anymore, because it is better to have one. Her words make me sad. Whenever I think of her, I can't help but shed tears of love."

In addition to feeling guilty, you may be grieving the loss of someone who reminded you of the wonderful times you spent with your childhood sweetheart.There are moments of sadness that pop up and hit your heart.

"One day after breaking up with Lin Yun for more than a year, I was queuing up at a McDonald's in Huaihai Road Commercial Street, City S, and was going to have a cup of coffee and an apple pie to kill the afternoon." Sheng Lin said, "When I smelled the When the man in front exuded the scent of hair cream, I immediately became aware of Lin Yun's existence. I felt a rush of blood all over my body, and my heart was beating fast, so I had to go out to calm my mind."

"Yi was so understanding when I told Yi that I wanted to go back to my wife," Jia Jun said. "I told myself: 'out of sight, out of mind'. However, I realized that I was wrong. I couldn't see her for a day, and my mind was full of her porn all day long. I kept wanting to talk to her Calling, writing many unsent letters, thinking of meeting unexpectedly on the road. Of course I don’t regret reuniting with my wife, but I still miss her very, very much, and I am full of love for her.”

The guilt of leaving a lover may irritate your partner more than the events of your affair.Nothing hurts your partner more than your constant grief over the loss of a lover.Grief not only dilutes any efforts you have made to rebuild a trusting relationship with your partner, but it also costs your partner their efforts.If you hope to get his understanding again, you may be ridiculed.

Of course, it is often impossible for you to completely break up with your lover emotionally. The pressure of your partner may even reintroduce you into the situation of lying and lying, or you will have a final showdown with your partner of "forever". Fidgeting again.

Your partner needs to realize with empathy that your love for your extramarital lover may have been real, and any suspicious and distrustful actions by your partner will only increase mutual resentment.And you also need to remember that your partner is suffering, and if he is trying to discredit your lover, it is only to get you back sooner.

You should consider the following things carefully: Maybe what you care deeply about is not necessarily the extramarital lover, but the unprecedented novel stimulation brought by your lover, or what you care about is only short-term emotional or even sensory stimulation.Your lover brings you great pleasure, but you have never thought of leaving your marriage and family forever, because you are clear in your heart that your extramarital lover actually has the same utilitarian thinking as you do for short-term pleasure. Short-term utilitarianism will destroy this dismal marriage and family that has been run for so many years, so that after the crazy love has subsided, you will all regret the big mistake you made because of rashness.

What kind of example did you set for your children? "What's wrong with me? What kind of example am I setting for my child(ren)?" As a parent, you worry about the negative impact the affair will have on your child(ren) and how they will feel about you.What could make you sadder and more terrified than losing your child's love and respect?All the while, you expect them to see you as a parent to be respected, not someone to confuse or disappoint.

(End of this chapter)