Chapter 17 Extramarital Affair Syndrome (3)
When Wang Zhong thought of telling his 14-year-old son that the heroine of the extramarital affair was Aunt Lanxin who often came to his house as a guest, he felt as if he was overwhelmed by guilt.Wang Zhong's first marriage ended when his wife died in a car accident, and he was immersed in long-term grief and couldn't extricate himself.Now, six years into his second marriage, he faces an impossible decision.

"I'm pretty obsessed with Lanxin," he said, "but I don't want my son Yuanyuan to lose another mother again. How can I traumatize him again? Especially now that he's a teenager. If this time the family Torn apart, my son will never forgive me."

Wang Zhong's example shows that there seems to be no way to guarantee that you will be safe after telling your children that there is an important third party in your life.Children may not understand you, let alone empathize with you, and they will have a permanent feeling of irresponsibility for your family.What they realize is that you are threatening the safety of the entire family and their lives.They may try to adjust themselves in their own way to your cheating because they still need to attach to you; or they may simply turn against you because you denied them when they were young.
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When Guorui tried to explain why he was dating another man, his 19-year-old daughter turned her back and held her in contempt.

"I don't understand why you can't talk to Dad and let him know more about your unhappiness," said the daughter. "You tell me you don't like how Daddy sits and reads the paper all day without anger. But why don't you just say to him, 'Yeah! I need you to be lively and take our family out for a walk. Go to a restaurant to have a meal, and then sit in a movie theater with an eight-speaker sound system to enjoy a movie, whatever.' Keep it going? Dad, I hate you because this home is good and calm like water; I hate you because you are just selfish."

If you were also a victim of your parents' extramarital affairs during the growing period, would you have the same turmoil in your heart as your daughter does today?Do you feel guilty about putting yourself in the child's shoes?When you want to throw the pain you received from your parents to your beloved child, do you feel at ease?

For Xi Jun, this is absolutely true.When he was 12 years old, his father ran away from home and fell into the arms of another woman.He was suddenly caught in the dilemma of having to choose between the two mistresses.

"I hate what my father did to me," he said.

However, 12 years later, Xijun found himself repeating his father's mistakes, preparing to leave his wife for his lover, and forcing his children to choose between two homes.

"Should I give up on this marriage and make the kids miserable, or just stay and deny how I really feel?" he asked. "It's like choosing between air and water."

None of Xijun's solutions could alleviate the pain, so he stopped silently and did nothing; he didn't abandon his wife or his lover, he just waited for an opportune moment before making a decision.Of course, this good time did not come.He waited first until his second son was married and then until his daughter graduated from high school.As time went by, Xijun never solved his dilemma. He kept living in embarrassment and pain, and maintained a relationship between the two women that was constantly being cut and messed up.

Xijun’s example tells you that when you are in an extramarital affair, there will be two voices talking endlessly: the childish and expectant voice from a child calling you: "Dad (Mom), Come back, don't abandon us!" The other party came from the deep self-blame voice of being a parent, reminding you that you have long-term family responsibilities that cannot be shirked.What a difficult dilemma: bear's paw and shark's fin.Since our ancestors, bear's paw and shark's fin have been an antinomian problem, and now you have encountered it!No matter what you do, you can't be happy, and any decision to favor one side will leave you with lasting pain and embarrassment that cannot satisfy the other side.

Not as enthusiastic as usual. "No one is on my side." Once the extramarital affairs are exposed, the children are not the only affected factors. Your parents and many of your relatives and friends will think you are heartless and ungrateful. They will no longer be as warm to you as usual, like Support you as before, stand with you on the same front.Rejection and blame can come from parents.

"My mother called me every day, saying that she was shocked and saddened by my behavior, and how could I make such a mess of things?" Qiu Meiru said.

If your parents are conservative, they may see your extramarital behavior as reckless, reckless, and a ruin of the family name, putting pressure on you to end the affair and persuade you to stay with your old partner.Some parents will be self-critical for your behavior, ignore your feelings or confession of pain, and expect peace and harmony in their home.What they can't bear the most is that you are intoxicated in the lover's "happy harbor" and break the tranquility of a marriage and family.

Your closest friends, especially those who actually know you and your partner, are a little worried, but they don't want to be on either side because it's hard for an upright official to decide on family affairs.Some friends may look at you through morally colored glasses, and some feel deeply threatened by your actions, because their own relationships have been in tension, and they are too busy to take care of themselves so that they cannot support you or help you out.When you need people to express their understanding of your extramarital affairs, they may criticize you with a whole set of theories of marital moral commitment and responsibility, some are euphemistic, some are persuasive, some are mocking, and some express anger.

Mingxuan is a 43-year-old tennis player in H City. When he talked about an extramarital affair with his family, he was ridiculed by his family, but he didn't take it seriously, thinking that he could share it with his best friend Ziyi.Unexpectedly, Ziyi didn't understand him at all after listening to him: "Wake up!" He roared loudly: "You think you are still young, and you are already a father with two children! I am so blushing for you! "My friend's words are so straightforward.

Family and friends gossip, so you have to avoid them deliberately.For you, breaking through isolation is the first thing you need to do.If you want to be honest with yourself, you may wish to listen to the advice of some people who have no stake in you but are quite independent. They are just some "bystanders" who can best see the crux of your marriage.Some of their advice will support you, and some will challenge you, but the purpose may only be one, that is, to let you sort out a thread in the intricate "housework".But don't forget, no matter how helpful these people around you are to you, they have never been with you day and night, and their understanding of you is only the tip of the iceberg. There are only a few who know you well, can give you constructive advice, or give you the support you need.

Another option during this vulnerable time is to seek counseling, which is now in vogue.Psychoanalysts keep confidential any information you provide. Starting from professional ethics, they maintain a high degree of neutrality when you come to consult, respect your feelings, and help you unravel the cocoons in the emotional chaos and find the turning point in the lost way.But please note that many psychoanalysts are "quacks" who have no real expertise to guide your mental illness.

The relationship will not work out. "This relationship will never work out." After a long marriage, you feel that your relationship with your partner is no longer in existence and that your partner can no longer inspire your love.Naturally, you see your relationship with your partner as a "nowhere to go" dead end that you're trying to escape before hitting a wall.Yet for a myriad of reasons, such as fear of being alone, guilt, children, financial concerns, and a moral obligation, you monetize where he stayed.

At the same time, you may distort and exaggerate the facts of marriage and family because of your preference for extramarital affairs.Wei Hua is an example.

41-year-old Wei Hua is an associate professor in the engineering department of a well-known university in City B. He always expresses compliments to his lover Yu Sai in front of people, but he demeans his wife Fang Ning.

"Yue Sai's biggest feature is that she knows my heart, what I'm thinking, and even what I've done in the past, she can understand." When talking about his lover, his face was full of color. "She makes me feel appreciated and loved. She accepts me like this. Fang Ning can't understand me at all. The longer we live together, the less we understand each other. I don't think she will be able to in this lifetime." Change, the shape of the eyebrows that were born - can't be changed. For the sake of the child, I decided to continue to be with her, but I felt like I was serving a sentence in prison.

Ever since he lost his passion for his wife, Wei Hua never communicated with her again, asking her to listen to his heart.He never gave her a chance to change, never tried to make her respond to his needs.If you're caught in an inflexible rut of never letting your partner please you, the results are likely to be frustrating.

Two-faced life is too difficult to deal with. "I don't know where to go?" Last choices to leave or stay, run to your lover or say "goodbye" can leave you deadlocked.You can no longer live this two-faced life because it is too difficult to deal with.

Youfang, who has been married for eight years, is an employee of the P City Stock Exchange who "wears a red vest". At the company's Lunar New Year party, she lost control because of a provocative and seductive scene.

"People were crazy that night, everyone was excited, drinking and screaming. I stayed there very late and drank a lot. The wine slowly released the usual depression and restraint. When the light For example, when he invites me to dance, I find his male step dancing posture is really good, he is so comfortable and proficient, he leads me to rotate at a large angle on the dance floor, and sometimes sings and dances gracefully. As I danced, I felt a sensual touch on my face. Two weeks later, we had a seclusion at his apartment, a kiss, and then…

Falling in love again was something I never expected, really, I never thought I would fall in love.Now, I don't know what to do?My husband is a nice guy.In normal times, occasionally a sense of emptiness comes over me, and I don't feel unhappy about my married life.However, Danru's sudden interlude made me embarrassed and at a loss.He gave me a brand new feeling, something my husband had never given me.I couldn't just walk back into my marriage and pretend I liked being back there. "

54-year-old Liang Guangda is the vice president of a listed company in S City, but the uproar in the stock market cannot conceal the fact that he is struggling emotionally.He agrees to stay with his wife and work things out together, but refuses to let his lover go.One day, Da Guang felt lonely and sad. He invited his lover to have lunch. According to him, the feeling was "both happy and anxious".

"I'm like a 15-year-old ignorant boy, but I'm so passionate that I can't control myself." He admits, "I'm a mature man, a vice president of an important company, what the hell am I doing? But I can't agree. My wife is a typical good wife and mother who can't be blamed. She has always been considerate to me. But I always feel that there seems to be something missing in my married life. On the one hand, I told my wife: Let us together Solve the problem; on the other hand, I continued to exchange my heart and soul with my lover. The more time I spent with her, the more confused I became."

You revel in a passion you never felt before.The dilemma of trying to balance an affair with a relationship seems more overwhelming than any solution.However, when your polarized feelings are washed through the baptism of understanding the consequences of extramarital affairs, your uncontrollable emotional bonds may be loosened.Your relationship with your spouse may not be as dire as it is with your lover.After experiencing the peak of extramarital affairs, you may have a rare period of calm thinking, and you should consider rationally: "If I put as much tenderness and care into my marriage as I put in my extramarital relationship, will my marriage be as good?" Having an affair can make you feel like you're on a cloud.If you and the extramarital affair are together day and night every day, will you also face the reality of oil, rice, sauce, vinegar, firewood, pots and pans, the madness between you may change for a while, and then return to plainness, even quarrels, struggles, and finally you find , it's just a relationship that doesn't help.At this time, you may be glad that you can see the truth of the extramarital affair in time, and you are glad to get out of this helpless relationship in time, otherwise you will now face the sharp deterioration of your new marriage relationship, and at the same time you will have to deal with your ex-husband (wife). ) to discuss alimony payments and child visitation rights.

After experiencing the ups and downs of living with your lover, you escaped again, returned to the arms of your partner, returned to your children, and what you got in return was peace, like a wandering ship finally sailing back to a quiet harbor .

When you're caught in the grip of polarized emotions, you find yourself wracked with questions for which there are no clear answers.For example:
"Do I still love my partner?"

"what is love?"

"Is my relationship with my lover true love?"

"The relationship I started with my partner is just as crazy, will the relationship with my lover last?" · "My lover is so passionately in love with me, is it because of my high salary, or for the true eternal love.

"How do I get the answer?"

"How do I get out, what relationship do I get out of?"

Love is not simple, it is made up of many complicated complexes, and sometimes it is the result of a combination of two or more seemingly contradictory feelings.At this stage, both you and your partner should admit that the numerous hostilities have damaged the marriage and that it will take time to repair it.

It undermines the sacred values ​​of marriage. "I have nothing to say, I feel worthless." No matter how you feel about your current love life, release, autonomy, love/hate conflict, or falling into a trap, you will be deeply ashamed that you have ruined your family Sacred values ​​that teach you to keep your marriage covenant.You may feel betrayed by everyone important to you, including yourself, by breaking the heart of your partner by unilaterally breaking covenants without scruple.

Ms. Mo has been married for almost seven years. Now that she has calmed down, she is very confused about her extramarital affair.

"I don't feel love in my marriage," she said. "We have very little love. He has been busy with work and has little time to take care of the family, and of course he doesn't care about me. I am suffocated by loneliness. I am going crazy. This abnormal extramarital relationship makes me feel that I am a wrong person. I can't believe how easily I'm disregarding the values ​​I once believed in, fidelity, commitment, and honesty. I'm finally getting the love, attention, and attention I've longed for, and yet I'm breaking the rules of marriage .Now although I feel loved, I have lost the dignity of representing value.”

Sometimes, because of an extramarital affair that you can't bear to let go, you are willing to inflict acts bordering on cruelty to the partner you spend day and night with.Afterwards, you will fall into deep self-blame.

"That happened a few years ago. When I think about it today, I still feel deeply condemned. When I was dating my lover Zhongfang, my wife was pregnant." Xiren is an engineer at the Ten Thousand Body Hall in S City. Painfully recalled:

(End of this chapter)

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