Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 37
Generally speaking, standing still is just an appearance, but in fact, marriage and extramarital affairs are undergoing subtle changes.In hindsight, in most of these cases, the marriage continued to decline and the affair continued to grow, but the couples were left in a day-to-day swing because it was difficult for them to see that the affair had any chance of winning; In the past year, I felt that the action of the other party or both parties to "cut off the marriage relationship" was an unattainable thing.Even at the moment when the breakthrough is approaching, they may judge that the situation has no hope of any breakthrough.For this they feel depressed and hopeless.A divorced woman in her thirties put it this way:
"After two years, I feel like his real wife. He talks to me about everything, asks me for understanding and help in work, and shares everything with me. We are closer than ever, even physically. Made me feel happier than ever. However, I kept thinking about giving up this affair, and I started planning to get away from this place and return to my hometown, because he didn't seem to want to separate from his wife. Talking about it , his expression is so painful, he is very sad at the thought of abandoning his children. He said that if divorced, his wife would bankrupt his finances, and he even worried that she would commit suicide. But he also said that he could not work without me , couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. That's when I decided to stay. I couldn't imagine a future for us together, and maybe because I couldn't think of a future, I seemed so helpless."

But her assessment was completely wrong.A month after she finished speaking, the lover and his wife began to discuss the possibility of divorce, and they divorced three months later.

Breakthroughs often start with some insignificant matter, which enables the person involved in an extramarital affair to suddenly see the difference between marriage and extramarital affairs. He/she (they) break free from inner conflicts and use their originally blocked vitality to achieve their goals.Sometimes it's small but revealing: A man overhears his wife talking on the phone asserting the supremacy of his rights in the family, as if he doesn't exist, or have a right to speak.In this regard, it is so distinct compared with the mistress.He finally made a decision on the status quo after hesitating for a long time.A woman who is indecisive between her husband and her lover wants to communicate with her husband about the problems in their marital relationship, but she is rejected, saying that there is no need to go, because the problems in their marriage are none of his fault.She didn't hesitate anymore and decided to finally end their relationship with a divorce.

Sometimes it is the injured spouse who initiates the divorce, but it is the unfaithful person who caused the result.Regardless of who initiates the divorce, discussions often (but not necessarily) include revealing affairs.People who are ruled by conscience are often deeply uncomfortable with keeping secrets or half-truths, and prefer to be honest even when marriages are fraught with battle.Once the truth is told, they feel a sense of relief.If the marriage relationship was once very close, he or she also hopes that the spouse understands him or her, forgives him or her, and asks the other party to give him or her the freedom to pursue happiness.Sometimes the hurt spouse will empathize with the infidelity's situation and accept the plea to set the infidelity free.But some divorces are directly caused by the ruthless disclosure of extramarital affairs by the injured spouse.

Divorce disputes triggered by the revelation of an extramarital affair often result in a frantic struggle for the extramarital partner: a woman may cry and beg her for time; "Never Divorce" threat.

The person who filed for divorce may come from the unfaithful party, but the injured spouse still insists that he is "the most loved" and takes all the problems and shortcomings on himself, begging the unfaithful to try "doing it all over again" first , If it's not good, then talk about divorce.In addition to begging, he or she plays on the guilt of the unfaithful by offering unsolicited sexual desire.These strategies can often delay the resolution of the relationship and sometimes even ruin the affair, but more often, if the marriage has already become ineffective, then it is only a matter of time before the perfect affair wins over the marriage.

Yu Hui and Zhou Xiangming
After Zhou Xiangming and Yu Hui failed to break off their extramarital relationship, she and him enjoyed a few weeks of good life, and they wandered in each other's love, completely ignoring its meaning.But it didn't take long for both partners to become painfully aware of the anxiety and frustration of being trapped by their respective spouses, and of the infidelity and deception necessary to maintain the relationship.From Xiang Ming's point of view, her husband Nakano seems to be more dull and irritable than before; from Yu Hui's point of view, his wife Liu Li seems to quarrel more easily than before, and when they quarrel, they are full of derogatory words.A couple try to minimize their guilt by talking at length about each other's spousal and marital problems, recounting their pent-up resentment, and repeatedly stating that their relationship is vastly different from their marital status.After each conversation, both of them felt more powerful, and hoped that they could do or talk more at home in the future to trigger new conflicts, and each new conflict became a topic of entertainment when couples outside of marriage met again, so they thought of Their respective divorces are more justified.

On this rough road, the two are increasingly moving toward the goals they set for each other.Xiang Ming is faster than Yu Hui, and after three months of knowing her, she is ready to act; while he cannot immediately accept a "breakthrough" emotionally, and is trapped in hopelessness and frustration.This made him very depressed, and although he never drank, he now had to use alcohol to numb himself.

"Last night, I drank too much again. Why? In order to get relief? Or convey my distress to Liu Li, hoping for some unexpected understanding? Or want to cause a fierce quarrel, prompting her to ask me to move out? Really? Don't know why. But it didn't work at all, and it only made it worse. I went to the bar at home after the kids went to bed, and Liu Li had a look of pain on her face. I had three or four drinks, and she came over and suggested I went to bed. And I, drunk and stupid, actually followed her into the room, thinking maybe she suddenly wanted me. I lay down on the bed in twos and pulled her close, and she froze in surprise. She asked me Not forgetting to say no more sex unless she wants to. I jumped out of bed, cursed, put on my nightgown and went downstairs to the study. I got even more drunk and watched old movies on TV until 02:30 am.

She didn't come down to look for me in the end, and we didn't say a word to me when we met the next morning.Hangover, tired, and stressed out, I can barely make it to the office, and work is well behind schedule.

In the afternoon, I recovered a little bit, and made up my mind to get rid of this marriage for nothing.I asked my secretary to call and inform Liu Li that I was so busy that I would work late and live in the company's dormitory. In fact, I stayed in the hotel with Xiang Ming at night.I told her that I had finally figured out that I was going to get out of the marriage, otherwise I would be either physically and mentally injured or forced to become an alcoholic.At the same time, I said that it was also clear that what I wanted most in life was to marry her.At that time, she was lying on my chest, looking down at me in the dim light.As I spoke, I felt her tears of joy dripping down my face.I said that I would call the counter to inform the room of water leakage, and she smiled through tears. "

Zhou Xiangming:
"On that beautiful night, Yu Hui seemed to think through the divorce very thoroughly and firmly, which made me feel like I had a golden future. But then, my God, it was that kind of awakening! For two whole months, he was in so much pain that the thought Tossing and turning, sometimes saying yes, sometimes saying no. He called and said he wanted to talk to me, and I listened quietly on the phone and discussed it with him. Sometimes, when we were together, he said in a nutshell that he knew what had to be done , and even if the ending is dangerous, he still has to do it. But next time, he will be ashamed again, saying that he considers his children Xiaoping and Xiaoli, and is worried that the incident will cause sequelae to them. After a while, he said that he should not suddenly talk to Liu Let's mention this matter, we should use a gradual method. Or he thinks that it is better to use a marriage counselor to negotiate her divorce instead of him. For a while, I was patient and rational; gradually I get depressed and sometimes think about crying or even freaking out.

Eventually I couldn't take it anymore and said, 'Oh my god, Afterglow, come on, you had an affair that didn't hurt, but you never meant to take it any further.Don't bother to lie to yourself again, or to me. '

That time, I told him that he was really cruel, but what can I do?I'm tired of it all, feeling lost and let down.Usually at times like this, we both drank too much, and when we were drunk, we went to bed and had sex, not sex, but sex.Once or twice after this happened, I cried bitterly, thinking that it would be better to end the relationship, because I had no energy to wear it down. "

Afterglow's behavior is also very impulsive and weird.Once on a Sunday, he arrived outside the church in the downtown area early in the morning, waiting for the mass to start.This is the first time in his life.Sitting in church, he hoped in vain for some revelation, when in fact he had been a materialist from the age of seventeen or eighteen.

Another time, he made an appointment with a psychiatrist in a mental hospital, then canceled it, made another appointment, and canceled it again.He had lunch with his good friend Zhu Yunlong, and told his thoughts, but concealed Zhou Xiangming's identity.He wanted Zhu to give some advice, but Zhu's every rational opinion was rejected, and he almost got angry several times during the process.

He and Liu Li have been married for three years, and they have been living peacefully together; now they start arguing in front of others, whether it is about family finances, new novels, or the medical system, they will quarrel in front of others. full of anger.At home, the two of them respected each other as guests, and their conversations became less and less relevant to the family. The time of perfunctory and silent silence was longer and longer, and it was deliberately.

One night at the end of June, they had bought theater tickets and had another argument over dinner in town.During the intermission, the two of them continued to quarrel in a bar next to the theater, but they didn't go back to watch the second act, because Liu Li repeatedly brought up her old grievances, which made Yu Hui leave angrily. Say "I'm not going home today".He was drowsy in the bar, then called Xiang Ming and asked her to come to the hotel.

Zhou Xiangming:
"Me and Nakano were reading in bed. I answered the phone when it rang, and almost dropped the phone when I heard Yu Hui's voice. He said, 'I just dumped Liu Li. I'm in the hotel where we were staying, Room 62, I need you." Nakano pretended to read a book on the bed, but in fact his ears were pricked up, but he couldn't hear Afterglow's voice.

I said, 'Not now...you're going to show your cards. Yu Hui said: "Then show your cards." '

Hanging up the phone, I said to Nakano: 'I have to do something, I need to go out for a while. '

Nakano said nothing, turned off the light beside his bed, and angrily pretended to sleep.I put on my clothes, walked to the door of the room and turned back and said: 'Nakano, I may not be back tonight! ’ He said: ‘Do whatever you want. '

I hurried to find Yu Hui, only to find that he was drunk and crying, very self-pitying.I asked him what happened and realized that he didn't abandon Liu Li, he just had a big fight with her and turned around and left.He was so drunk that he could only think about what happened to him, not what he made me do.I flew into a rage and yelled at him: 'You bastard, do you know what's on the other end of the phone?Do you know that Nakano knows now, but you, a wayward guy, haven't done things well yet. '

We came and yelled at each other, and finally I slapped him, and he "reciprocated" by slapping me because he knocked me down too hard.He picked me up and slumped down at the foot of the bed, holding his head in both of his hands, and said he was a selfish, inconsiderate, self-pitying bastard, and then lay down on the bed and started crying like a little kid too.I didn't look down on him because of his pity and sorrow, I slammed the door and left.

It was two o'clock in the morning when I got home.The bedroom door was closed, and I slept in my son's room. He went to a summer camp away from home for vacation.Although I was angry with Yu Hui, I was glad that this happened, because now there is a good show, the oil has been poured into the hot pan, this time Yu Hui will definitely break free and divorce Liu Li.This night, I not only fell asleep quickly, but also slept deeply.

The next morning, I opened the bedroom, and Nakano came out shirtless.He was as pale as skim milk.

'Well,' his voice trembled, 'I want to know the details, where have you been? ’ I struck while the iron was hot and said, ‘I’m going to meet a man. '

It was just a few words, but as soon as the words came out of my mouth, I felt a great relief, and I didn't care how much it cost.Nakano just said, 'OK' and went back to his room to put on his clothes.

After a while I came out of the bathroom and he said: 'Are you having an affair? ’ All I said was, “So what?” He went into the kitchen without a word and made himself breakfast; then he went into the bedroom.I was getting dressed and he asked, "Are you going to continue?" I said, "I guess so." He thought for a while and said, "I can probably live with it."

God, I am so discouraged!I thought I'd really taken the biggest step and was about to get rid of him, but I was still stuck.He walked away and I went into the kitchen to pour a cup of coffee.Then I heard him turn around again.He walked to the kitchen door and said, "No, I can't take it, I can't take it, I want to leave you! I want a divorce!"

I said, "I don't blame you."

He said he would come back after work to get some clothes, and asked me if I would go to work, I said I would go later, he said ok, and left.

Not long after, Yu Hui called. He was seriously hungover, and he was very remorseful and ashamed on the phone.After hearing what happened, he calmly told her not to worry, he would talk it over with Liu Li when he got home at night, and settle all the uncertain things.

"My determination lasted until eleven o'clock in the morning when Liu Li called. She begged me to forgive her and cried. She said a lot: she went too far last night, but it was only because her period was coming. She knew I've been having a hard time lately, but I hope I'll forgive her and start over. In the end, she said she was preparing hot pot ingredients and invited me home to eat hot pot. I told her I would go back. I stared at the sky for a full hour, thinking about my Then I wrote that shady note to Zhou Xiangming, thinking of it made me feel ashamed. I fled the battle and abandoned her, arguing that it was for the "loyalty" and the child in the old saying."

Zhou Xiangming:
"I tore up the note, but I remember every word in the note. He said that he loved me more than anyone else, but he found that he could not leave Liu Li and the child at present, and he might never be able to do so. In this case Going down will be endless torture for both of us. He intends to do the most righteous thing he has done in the past six months. He wants to part with me. The lines in the note are full of absurdity. She called running away as weakness! But it is more than weakness , is essentially a traitorous act.

I tore up the note.Ignored his pleas to write back and thought, 'Well, I'm going to start over and I should get through it. '

However, she only stayed up for one day, Yu Hui, a worthless kid, called again, told her important news, and withdrew her original intention.

"Hot pot fat beef, fish head, mixed with concentration to discuss the whole issue, Liu Li and I had a long and sincere conversation, but I still forbeared not to mention Zhou Xiangming's big event. The conversation turned out to be invalid in the end. Exhausted and shaking with exhaustion, we both finally took sleeping pills and agreed to talk the next night.

During the long talk on the first night, I always felt that two desires coexisted at the same time: the hope of reconciliation as before, and the hope that the long talk would fail and break free from the shackles of marriage.

The next night, the two of us seemed to be unable to agree on anything, but we were calm and resigned to our fate.Finally, I hesitated and said:

'In that case, why don't we part in peace and harmony? '

She looked at me with sudden sharp intuition: "Yu Hui, are you having an affair?" '

I was caught off guard and couldn't lie: 'Yes, from January. '

She immediately had an idea: "It's Zhou Xiangming!" '

I said, "It's Zhou Xiangming."How did you know? '

(End of this chapter)