Love Affair: A Psychological Perspective on Extramarital Affairs

Chapter 41
Obviously, whether an extramarital affair is successful or not, it will bring about some changes and effects for the parties involved.Can extramarital affairs really restore the joy of life?Or is it just like the water ripples on the riverside, leaving only the aftermath?The true confession in the book may give us some inspiration.

Divided for a long time must unite, unite and divide again

Generally speaking, people know what to do and how to do it at graduation, departure or farewell party, wedding, funeral, or the end of a relationship.This is not the case with extramarital affairs. Because society generally does not accept extramarital affairs and there is no set of appropriate behavioral norms, the hidden nature of extramarital affairs isolates them and deprives them of the sympathy and emotional support they need.

As mentioned earlier, the withering of a superficial affair is usually painless, and the breakup doesn't even require a period of melancholy.Couples don't care what others think, only listen to their own feelings.They'll accept its end with a tinge of regret and an equally tinge of relief with an open-minded shrug.A woman who has had several superficial affairs put it this way:
"Most of the time I want to call it quits, so getting out of a relationship that has ended naturally can be a relief. Even though ending the affair made me feel a little blue and self-pitying, it doesn't last long. I know sooner or later There will be an end."

Even if the affair is a long-term relationship, as long as it's not emotionally engaging or satisfying, it may end without much loss or sadness.A physicist whose relationship lasted a year and a half with a nanny whom he could barely talk to but had a great physical relationship described how the affair ended and his own reaction:
"That night was the best night we had together, it was really good. Afterwards, we were laying in bed smoking a cigarette and it felt so affectionate. She said she had something to tell me, she was getting married next week, The object is a fellow countryman. This is our last night, it's that simple. Maybe she's a little embarrassed, that's all, because she knows I don't love her.

Of course I was surprised, I didn't know she was dating someone else, and it was true, I felt a momentary feeling of being dumped, no matter how low she was.But I'm still relieved because I'm thinking about how to get out of the relationship.

On the way home that night, I just thought 'oh, it's over'.As good as the affair was for me, once it was over, I never thought about her, wanted to call her, and felt no emptiness and nostalgia.These words sound almost impersonal, but they are the truth. "

Many people see this reaction as abnormal or psychopathic, thinking that two people who have been with each other for so long, how can it be possible to break up without any thoughts and pain?The reason that can be explained is that they are some people who try to enjoy the fish and water without making any emotional investment in the extramarital affairs.

For those who are deeply involved in extramarital affairs, but still limited in their investment, extramarital affairs do not constitute competition to marriage, but rather it is a supplement to marriage.These types of affairs are most likely to have a strong emotional response when the relationship ends, only that the emotional response does not manifest itself in the sadness and deprivation of a broken relationship, but rather in a sense of loss of youth or a pleasing self-image.A 46-year-old man said:
"There is nothing wrong with my marriage, but after 20 years, I find it boring. I have slept with my wife for more than 20 years, and I have heard everything she has to say countless times. The girl is one of my clients. Colleague, she is passionate, tender, and exciting, giving people a different feeling. She makes me feel a new life. I don’t love her, but I like the feeling of being in this relationship. Our extramarital affair lasted five years Months later, my wife found out about it when she was washing my clothes in my pockets, and the incident was full of turmoil. Over the years, I have never seen her react so violently: she told me to move Get out, file lawsuits, no babysitting. It took two weeks for me to realize the true gravity of the situation, I was about to lose everything: family, kids, house, social life, savings. Now it's my turn to eat Walking around. I called her and said I was sober, I learned my lesson, I understood. I abandoned the girl and went home humbly and stood in front of my wife like a schoolboy standing in the corner waiting for the teacher I hope to give me a chance to accept me again.

However, after the fact, things became more difficult to adjust.I miss the phone calls, the excitement and the romance of sneaking out for a tryst, and the sex, and the affair that men have.In short, without these, I feel lifeless. "

There are also some extramarital affairs that break up because of the conflict of interests between the couple. Once they break up, the initial reaction of both parties is to have both a relief after heavy pressure and a sadness of loss, but the proportion of the two emotions is not the same. All the same, the one who is more involved is more sentimental.An urbanite outlines her reaction to the end of her many affairs:

"I have had several affairs, most of them were painters or writers; almost all of my affairs ended when the man was preparing to go abroad or develop in other places. Every ending brought shock waves to me, and I felt a sense of loss when I was dumped. But every man who left me said that nothing would happen to me. After a few weeks, I really recovered from the loss and sentimentality. In fact, the most difficult thing is that I have to bear everything that comes with loneliness. I only have one female Friends can confide, and most of the time when I’m in a bad mood, I hold back my tears and continue to do my thing.”

The men and women who have committed the most extramarital affairs and their marriages have broken down are probably the most painful after the affair is over.The symptoms of heartbreak and pain that come with a broken relationship are self-evident.And this kind of people can't express their sadness, and they can't even tell their relatives and friends about their inner pain.Although the decision to give up the extramarital affair relieves part of the conflict between the cheaters and between the cheater and their spouse, the cessation of the conflict does not eliminate the desire for the extramarital affair.The pain can last a long time and even jeopardize the marriage they are trying to keep.

Abandoning extramarital affairs that is not out of inner will may cause dissatisfaction with oneself, and even cause bitterness towards the spouse.Dissatisfaction is expressed in many forms, such as whining, critical or frigidity.A woman who abandoned her lover handled her marital relationship with her husband "coldly" through sexual frigidity: whenever the husband wanted to have sex with passion, he had to carefully restrain his temper and even coax and cheat. After getting out of bed, she still finds fault with his performance in every possible way.After a man gave up his extramarital affair, he couldn't speak a word of love to his wife since then.Some people who have lost their love outside of marriage show some behaviors derived from depression, some use alcohol or drugs to anesthetize the pain, and some even reach the point where they must seek help from psychological treatment.

For those who cannot find a way out of a failed affair and find new fulfillment in their marriage, it is possible to suffer chronically from regret and longing for a lover, during which they continually break their promises, call or Write a letter to the ex-lover to tell the pain in your heart, beg the other party's mercy, and hope to keep in touch again secretly.They are still self-examining in the phone calls or letters to their ex-lover, blaming themselves for lacking the courage and firmness to win the love that is now lost, and so on.

Even if this masochistic appeal succeeds for a while, its final result may end in another failure.In the process of regaining the old love, all the conflicts in the past are still as fierce as before, but the love is becoming weaker and weaker because of the extra-marital affairs.

Relationship recombination is carried out in situations where various relationships are tense and may explode at any time.Couples who have been separated for a long time must reunite, and when they are reunited, they will reunite. The separation and reunion are always carried out in an atmosphere of tension and no relaxation. The feeling of joy when the two were together has long since disappeared.The outcome of such affairs is variable, and a divorced 30-year-old woman described her on-and-off relationship with a married doctor:

"We don't know how many times we broke up, and every time we broke up, it was always him. But every time I called him, he couldn't help but turn back. After many times of separation and reunion, we did the same thing again, planning to make a clean break from now on. It was agreed that one night he would come to my residence for a simple farewell ceremony. When we broke up, he was already drunk, and I went up to comfort him, but he rubbed me tightly and tore my clothes to pieces. I Standing there, looking at me, he suddenly started crying with his head in his hands. We ended up in bed, forgetting about the goodbyes.

He called angrily from the office the next morning, accusing me of cheating and luring him into my life.I was furious and said that no one would be virtuous like him when he wanted to break up, and obviously he was the one who didn't want to say goodbye.After speaking, I hung up the phone.He wrote a letter in vicious and offensive language, saying that I had hurt him and the happiness of their family, and said he could not let this go on any longer.I responded in kind, 'returning' one of his scathing letters as one would normally do.That's how it ended.

However, a month later the situation turned again.The cause of the incident was me: I called him in a moment of weakness, but the two went out of the city to linger wildly, and he fell in love with me again, and the two were tender in the restaurant like a boy and a girl, which aroused curious people Look back at us frequently.But later, he reverted to his old ways, and his mood changed suddenly: he drank too much, and started to speak ill at me. As a result, he crushed the wine glass, cut his palm, and the blood continued to flow.I packed my things without saying a word and went home alone.Finish?No, it's not over.He called a month later and begged me to have dinner with him, all sweet, contrite and passionate.I couldn't stand his "offensive" and "surrendered" again.The result was yet another predictable quarrel.

Three months later, he called to tell me that he had reestablished his marriage and could now see me and our relationship with new eyes, which was pure and lustless love.He came to my apartment, and the two talked for hours, kissed several times, and the extramarital affair we had was also regarded as a good memory; we were grateful that we had loved each other and had each other; The marriage was not ruined because of this, otherwise he would be so guilty that he couldn't help himself; of course we are also glad that everything is 'over', because we can't bear this torture anymore. "

return to "faithful"

Some people give up after experiencing extramarital affairs, intending to change their minds and focus on marriage from now on.About one-third of the women and one-fifth of the men we interviewed had an affair, and most of them had no plans to have another.In addition, nearly equal rates of both sexes interviewed had switched to marriage fidelity after multiple extramarital affairs.Some of our interviewees have even returned to fidelity after numerous affairs: either to their original marriages or to their later marriages.However, there are also some people who reverted to their old ways after the "prodigal son" turned back, and repeated it countless times in their lives.

Most of these recurrent cheaters are temporarily restrained from their crazy behavior of extramarital affairs due to external pressure.Some had to retreat because of the many difficulties and expensive expenses in maintaining an extramarital affair, and some had to do it because they were worried about scandals or marital conflicts.The "return to fidelity" behavior of these extramarital affairs is largely not driven by internalized values, nor is it the result of the rekindling of the old marriage itself, but is entirely based on some practical and unavoidable considerations.Someone evaluated it like this:
"It was fun for a while, but then I realized it wasn't worth the trouble and expense it caused, and I had to let it go."

"After the previous incident, I thought it was too risky, so I gave it up. Now it seems that this is a wise move. I miss it, but I also hope that life can be simpler, calmer and more relaxed."

People who are forced to "return to loyalty" are often like the man mentioned above, saying that they "bowed their knees" in order to get their wives to accept him again, but afterwards they feel lifeless; The people who joined forces to confront each other, because "the rumors are too tight, they must correct their evil ways and return to the right", have ceased fighting with their wives since then.It is conceivable that after the rumors have passed, as the dissatisfaction with marriage reaches the point where it cannot be increased, as the combination of chance and temptation completely disintegrates the defensive determination, the cheater's marital infidelity may revive again.

People who return to faithfulness also have very different situations from the former type of unfaithful people, for example, because conscience and guilt overcome the evil thoughts of infidelity, or some changes in the heart of the unfaithful person caused by extramarital affairs allow him to resolve certain problems in the marriage relationship. Some problems, or because the unfaithful person recognizes the value of marriage in comparing marriage and extramarital affairs, and so on.Here's what these men had to say after they gave up their affair:

"That was the first time I hid from my wife in the 18 years of my marriage, and it was also the first thing that might really hurt her. Although I couldn't leave that lovely girl, I couldn't bear the pain of condemnation and guilt from time to time. Every time Whenever my wife comes home 10 minutes late, I get super nervous and sweaty, and I'm really worried that she's going to do something stupid like commit suicide over it. I eventually gave up on it and made up my mind to be with her Together, don't think about others."

"I still don't understand why I cheated emotionally. I love my husband and always love him. There must be something missing in my marriage: lack of stimulation? It means that I am not an old man and no one wants it? I need a stronger and accomplished man ?My latest affair had all of the above and it nearly ruined me. I can't stand the fact that I'm with two men playing this emotional game and hurting two good marriages. You can see it has seriously affected My husband's emotions. I broke it down very hard, but I was depressed for months. Now three years later, I'm still suffering from a conscience over the affair."

Whether the main reason for returning to fidelity is based on conscience or expediency, whether there was only one or many extramarital affairs before, what matters is the marital status after the fact, and how the prodigal son really feels about being faithful.If the marriage has been badly damaged, if a loyal marriage feels like a sea of ​​misery, even a grave, then he or she is very likely to cheat emotionally again, or simply make up his mind to break free from the shackles of marriage once and for all.Conversely, if the above two assumptions do not exist, then he/she may feel that cheating or divorce is not necessary.

For those whose marriages did improve after returning to fidelity, can it be concluded that the improvement in marriage was caused by extramarital affairs?Abroad, quite a few researchers claim to have seen different evidences.In her book on American women, Kinsey states that "sometimes marital relationships do improve after extramarital experience".He also presents three other studies that share the same view.To this end, we have consulted domestic psychiatrists and marriage counselors, and their answer is that sometimes, when the unfaithful person has some new knowledge about his own needs, the originally stagnant marriage will be rejuvenated by this new knowledge. These new knowledge lead him/her to put forward new requirements for the spouse, and once the other party also meets these requirements, he/she will have a positive reaction.Other clinical cases show that once the extramarital affair is made public, couples may decide to jointly repair and rebuild the bad marital relationship between them. Some of them are determined to work together to negotiate new rules of the game to follow; professional assistance.But in any case, they probably never would have done so had it not been for the thrill of an extramarital affair.In our surveys, there are many examples of infidelity strengthening marital relationships.

(End of this chapter)