Harvard Emotional Intelligence Class

Chapter 43 My emotional intelligence is up to me (5)
It is often said that optimists think it might be the best thing in the world, while pessimists fear it is.A pessimist thinks his glass is only half full, while an optimist thinks it's full!Each has its own benefits, we need to be optimistic when we want to get the job done, and pessimistic to face reality when we get too much.Optimism inflates our expectations and capabilities, while pessimism shrinks them.

thinkers and exciters

Meditators are calmer about things that hurt them.They don't take small offenses seriously, but when they think the offense is serious, they will hit back at someone else's shortcomings weeks or months ago.In contrast, excitables speak without thinking.Pass them and forget.Brooders are emotionally autistic, while agitators regret their impulsiveness.Sometimes we need both the contemplative faculty and the motivator.

lighthearted and nervous

Relaxed people are used to not overreacting to emotional stimuli, whereas nervous people do the opposite.If you're relaxed you'll suffer less, but you'll miss some of the nuances of other people.If you are a very nervous person you will find that you are more sensitive than a relaxed person, and this sensitivity can take a great toll on your emotional balance.

introverts and extroverts

For introverts, their insides matter, while for extroverts, it's the opposite.An introvert thinks other people are hell, and an extrovert thinks hell is alone.This categorization can seem a bit confusing, as many introverts are socially good, while some extroverts are socially awkward.In terms of feelings, extroverts pay more attention to other feelings, while introverts pay more attention to their inner feelings. ★
You can be an optimist in one area of ​​your life and a pessimist in another.For example, many times a person plays an emotional role in life, but the opposite is true at work.Sometimes we exhibit a temperament such as being relaxed in a non-stressful situation and tense in a stressful situation.Likewise, we will find that we sometimes switch from introversion to extroversion, or vice versa.In self-development one is not allowing oneself to fix one disposition but enabling oneself to experience others.

The job of a mentor is to guide us when we're too lopsided.For example, our inner mentor will say: "You are too impulsive, you should think more about it instead of letting yourself rush to the forefront." It is very important for an inner mentor to understand temperament, otherwise she or he will speak from the other side.In those cases the Inner Teacher will replace pessimism with false cheerful optimism.They will say: "Everything is okay, you just wait and see." Words like this are not helpful to the protected person.The protégé's point of view from the other side is very different from their point of view.

Hearing refers to inner hearing.If the Inner Teacher is upset about their own affairs, it will prevent them from hearing accurately.Undivided attention depends on hearing something and reacting to it.So the inner teacher should listen before giving helpful help.A great way to do this is to take ten seconds and write down what you hear.When writing, regardless of pinyin, punctuation, logic, and grammar.Write without censorship and judgment.Set the alarm clock, and keep turning the pages and writing until the alarm clock goes off.Take the trouble to see the result.What matters is the process not the result.

This technique is often used by creative writers and artists.It's described a lot in author Julia Cameron's book The Artist's Way. She calls it a morning column, a kind of brain channel. He or she is ready to listen to the painful part of the personality. The presence of an inner mentor is more important than pointing to some wise way. important.

Some people are very successful at controlling their minds, but writing them down is helpful when you first start.You have to look at the process objectively.Sometimes say; "This is ridiculous, I should have better things to do on Sunday afternoon, just a boring book, why would you buy it." If you hear this inside, on the surface Don't adopt, but accept rather than doubt, and resist is part of the process.

Empathy is different from sympathy and is more receptive.It is less dignified and humiliating to be the object of sympathy.Saying, "I feel the same way as you" is different from saying, "I feel for you."The former puts others on an equal footing, and neither party has a sense of superiority.

When the mentor side of your personality comes to listen to yourself, you are calling on the other side of you to describe their emotions.You are inspired and without judgment, just let the process unfold.With exercise you will develop this ability very quickly.You have the ability to understand the depths of human wisdom as the deepest well.Key to developing this capability include:

· Know what happened to you first

· Avoid asking why?Because it represents the ability to judge.

· Ask others how they feel

· Empathize with empathy, not sympathy

· Listen to yourself
★ When a person encounters an emotional block, he will instead make the people around him feel it.This is more likely to happen at work and among closer friends.This is called an emotional reflex.The important thing is that you can be aware of when you reflect others or when you are reflected.

For example, a woman can be annoyed when she has been asked out by a man many times and then the relationship does not go any further.But the difference is that when he left, she felt better.As she develops her emotional arts, she knows the difference between her own anger and the anger a man reflects back to her.She can take off the reflex she inadvertently picked up and give it back to the man.

This man also wants to take the relationship further, but he is a scientist and logic and reason are above all else.So emotion is very foreign to him.Because he has no feelings of his own, he annoys those around him.

Reflexes can be contagious from one person to another.For example, if you blame your co-workers and a few days later your boss blames you, you can't tolerate that emotion, so you pass it on to someone else, and that person passes it on to someone else.But if you're aware, you'll avoid making other people unhappy and it's important to deal fairly with criticism at your own work. ★
The inner guide is to spot these reflections and tell the protected one.The key instructions are:
· You don't feel like an emotion is yours.For example, when you are jealous, you find that other people's jealousy is different from yours

·You have a strong sense of someone's presence that disappears when the person leaves.

· You find that almost all affairs leave you without your consent.It's a subtle feeling that's hard to detect.It feels like things you only half know about and you don't have access to them.

The important thing about reflection is not to accuse it of others.This will make it more defensive and hostile towards you.And there's a chance you could be wrong.If you feel emotions being bounced back at you, then this is a good opportunity to deal with them.If you find yourself feeling overwhelmed and alone in a group, you can deal with feelings of loneliness.

The development of emotional intelligence has allowed me to see things that we don't like or are unwilling to accept.This range is called the shadow.We can't see them because we put it behind our backs, but it is so closely connected to us that it follows us wherever we go.When we are young we are constantly putting things in the shadows.The shadow becomes very long as one ages more and more until middle age.The ego and the shadow are two opposite sides.Self-denying the shadow and reflecting it on others.

Thomas put his gluttony into his own shadow.When Thomas was a child his mother used to scold him for being gluttonous.He grew up thinking gluttony was the worst thing in the world.He puts his gluttonous side into his shadow without seeing it.He later marries a gluttonous woman, whom he scolds and thinks he's justified.He had to stop reflecting on his gluttonous side when she left him.When he realizes it's one of his traits, he never tires of seeing it in other people.

Not everything is negative in the shadows.Sometimes people put their strengths in the shadows. Many of us hide our talents because we fear other people will find us unacceptable.As our painful feelings progress, our repressed qualities emerge.If we can accept our less-than-ideal side, we won't keep things in our shadow.

The role of the Inner Teacher is to not accept what the ego thinks it is at face value.If you keep finding yourself hating someone or something, it's worth seeing what's going on with your shadow.When you're in a mentored state, you'd better be as gentle and nonjudgmental as possible with yourself.Self-forgiveness and patience are the best treatments.By not hating yourself but accepting your imperfections, you can break the cycle of shadow reflection.

Emotions can change us.Biologically fear makes us run, love encourages us, all are needed in order to survive.From a psychological point of view, arrogance changes our view of ourselves, anxiety makes us see further, and loneliness makes us connect with the world again.Spiritually, hope requires our attitudes rather than outcomes.Anger understands cleansing us, depression is forgiveness for life.

Emotions are generated by our thoughts, beliefs, and events around us.All emotions have pros and cons.So even the most negative emotion can be turned into a positive one.The role of an inner mentor is to turn negative emotions into positive ones.

Emotional guidance can not only stay in theory, but also put it into action.You have to do this task yourself, and you need three things: pen and paper, a quiet house, and your own time.Speak for 45 minutes a week, or longer if you find it interesting.Whatever you do during this time should not feel like a burden, nor should you feel that this is something you must do.Think of it as something you like or do it for your own development.

It is necessary to jot down the conversations you have with your inner mentor.You may feel stupid at first, but don't tell anyone.

· Distinguish the difference between your voice and the instructor's voice, if you don't write it down, the whole process will fail

· Let us know what we are thinking about a particular fact.Then the emotional transformation process begins.

· Let us know that we are fulfilling the task of emotional development.Only then can emotional intelligence work.

This task is a bit like walking into a gym.Pen and paper, a quiet house, your time is your emotional gym.If you do the work you get results, and that's part of what this book is about.If you find something you disagree with, fine.This book was written by me and therefore contains a lot of what I have learned.When you do emotional self-direction work, you will find yourself writing, which in itself can be very satisfying.

(End of this chapter)