Harvard Emotional Intelligence Class

Chapter 60 Using Emotional Skills to Influence Others (1)
When the frequency of life is slow and predictable, people tend to be optimistic, calm and rational.But today, with so much change and "busyness" in our lives, both at home and at work, previous notions about working relationships simply don't apply anymore.You must figure out how to keep interacting with others in new and different ways, effectively using emotional skills to influence others.

(The first section masters the skills of communicating with others

Simon, the master of Harvard management, once described communication: "Communication can be regarded as any kind of procedure, through which a member of the organization transmits his decided opinions or premises to other relevant members."

Sincere and effective communication can tear down the wall between leaders and employees, and the correct use of communication methods can help companies build a strong workforce centered on collaborative work, which can enhance the competitiveness and cohesion of the company.

As Wayne Pace, another professor of management at Harvard, said: "Communication is the means by which people and organizations survive. When people lack the ability to fight against life, the biggest root cause is often that they often lack appropriate information. To fully absorb the information of the organization, in addition to their own efforts, largely depends on whether they have important information and skills to complete the work, and the acquisition of these information and skills depends on the communication in the process of skill learning and information transmission quality.” Therefore, adequate and effective communication is the key for an organization to improve efficiency and enhance competitiveness.

Because communication is so important, students of Harvard Business School must develop their own super communication skills on the one hand, and on the other hand establish an efficient team communication mechanism in the team they lead.

Modern fast-paced work and life force people to become superb communicators and information managers.At work, adequate communication can prevent problems such as misunderstanding instructions, and help reduce waste of time and energy, thereby improving productivity.In life, effective communication can avoid misunderstandings, help to establish good interpersonal relationships, and increase the joy of life.

The communication process consists of the following steps, which occur in sequence, namely, ideation, encoding, delivery, reception, decoding, understanding, and finally action.The process of communication is cyclical, and the recipient of the information will send out his own information after interpreting, understanding the information, and taking action.Therefore, this cyclic process is repeated at least once.

idea.This stage is the stage in which the idea or information of the sender is generated and formed in the mind of the sender.

coding.At this time, thoughts are organized into a series of symbols, such as words, gestures, body movements or pictures.

spread.Information is communicated orally, in writing or non-verbally.

take over.The other party received the message.

decoding.The signal sent by the sender of the message to the receiver of the message is decoded.

understand.After reading comes understanding.When communication barriers exist, understanding may be limited.

Action and Feedback.Understanding sometimes leads to action.Action is also a kind of feedback because it is a message from the receiver of the message to the sender of the message.

The action steps in the communication process have important practical implications.After the message is sent, you usually follow up to see if the other party takes action accordingly.Keeping track of what you send can help you see if it's being understood and can prompt action.Effective communication involves more than sending out a message and then passively waiting for the desired action to take place.

There are several transmission directions for communication between people at work.Some information is passed down, such as from top managers to employees.Some messages are passed upwards, such as an email from a new hire to the vice president.There will also be peer communication, such as one colleague passing information to another.In addition to having multiple directions of transfer, information can also travel along formal and informal channels.

The official channels through which information is transmitted are the formal communication channels.Suppose a sales assistant comes up with an idea she thinks will boost sales—selling on the Internet (or e-commerce).The official channels through which she conveys messages are roughly as follows:

Assistant Sales Executive Vice President Marketing President.

There are far more channels for the transfer of information between individuals than those designed by an organization chart or other formal communication channels.Informal communication channels are an unofficial communication network that complements formal channels.The emergence of many informal channels is inevitable.For example, to solve a technical problem, an employee might consult someone outside their department.Another great use of informal channels is that they solve some of the most confusing communication problems.

A large part of communication between people takes place at the non-verbal level.Nonverbal communication refers to the use of means other than language to convey information.This information is sometimes produced together with linguistic information, and sometimes it is produced alone.The biggest purpose of nonverbal communication is to convey the emotion behind the message.

艾伯特·梅拉宾的一项被大量引用的研究生动地表现了非语言沟通的实用性。他统计出了沟通过程中所有3种要素的相对权重。我们的语言对于他人情感的影响只占7％；我们的音调占了38％；我们的面部表情占了55％。因此，非语言沟通对于情感含义的表达占了93%，如图20—1所示。这个著名的研究不应该被理解为93％的沟通是非语言的。它只是用来说明信息的不同要素对于他人情感的影响大小，并不意味着信息本身的内容不重要。

Figure 20-1: The influence of emotion on information
There are 9 modes of communication in nonverbal communication.

1.environment

The environment or context in which the message is delivered will affect how it is received.Suppose your supervisor invites you out to lunch to discuss an issue that you feel is more important than an issue discussed over dinner in the company cafeteria.Other important silent information about the environment include the color, temperature, lighting and furniture placement of the room.For example, a person who sits behind a large, uncluttered desk appears more powerful than a person who sits behind a small, cluttered desk.

2.distance between people

The positioning of one's body relative to the bodies of others is often used to convey information.In general, physical proximity to a person indicates a positive attitude, and putting your arms around someone is considered a friendly gesture.

3.posture

Posture conveys a variety of meanings: standing upright suggests that the sender is confident and positive;Leaning toward someone suggests that you're open to hearing from him, while leaning back suggests the opposite.Opening arms or legs suggests interest or concern; when talking to someone they don't like, people usually adopt a closed posture—arms crossed and legs crossed.

4.gesture

Frequent gestures indicate a positive attitude toward others; conversely, people typically don't gesture when they are disgusted or disinterested.One notable exception is that some people wave their hands when arguing and sometimes make threatening gestures.It is also said that gestures imply a relationship of dominance and subordination.Dominant gestures are typically inside-out toward each other, such as steadfast staring and touching of a partner.Submissive gestures are often protective, such as touching oneself or shrugging the shoulders.

5.facial expression

Head, face, and eye movements, if used together, can suggest a positive or negative attitude towards the interaction.If a person looks up at the ceiling from time to time, with a serious expression, it will generally send the message to the other party: "I doubt if what you say is true." Maintaining eye contact with the other party will promote people's communication. To communicate, in order to maintain eye contact, the head and face usually have to move with the eyes.If the head and face are turned away and the eyes are not looking at the other person, this is usually interpreted as defensiveness or a lack of confidence.

6.intonation

Intonation refers to aspects such as pitch, volume, sound quality, and speed of speech.Three emotions that frequently occur at work - anger, boredom and joy - can usually be identified by the quality of the sound.Anger is indicated when the speaker's voice is loud, fast, and sharp, with irregular fluctuations and articulation.Moderate volume, pitch, and rate of speech, with no ups and downs in pitch, usually suggest boredom.Loud, high-pitched, fast, passionate, and rhythmic voices usually indicate happiness.But it would be a big mistake to draw conclusions based on sound quality alone. A colleague's voice talking to you about the progress of the project is most likely not out of fear, but because of pharyngitis.

7.use of time

A subtle form of nonverbal communication in organizations is the use of time.A high-ranking person, such as a manager, sends an authoritative message by making a low-ranking person wait; it is rare for a low-ranking employee to make a high-ranking manager wait.Ambitious people are seldom late for appointments; however, senior officials may be late for meetings, a sign of being very important or very busy.Looking at a watch is usually interpreted as boredom or restlessness; however, in a two-person conversation, if the senior person looks at his watch, it might be saying, "Hurry up, you're almost done with the time I've got for you."

8.personal appearance

Appearance is important in communicating with others.Job seekers attach great importance to this aspect of nonverbal communication when they are carefully preparing for an interview.People give more respect and privilege to well-dressed and attractive people.Appropriate attire is largely a matter of circumstance: well-pressed jeans, a snazzy T-shirt, and clean sneakers may be appropriate at an information technology firm; very bad.

9.Use mirroring to build rapport
One form of non-verbal communication used to build rapport with others is mirroring, which involves precisely imitating the other person.Among the rapport-building mirroring techniques, the most successful is imitating the breathing patterns of others.If you align your breathing rate with another person, you will quickly develop a rapport with that person.Adjusting your speaking rate to the person you are trying to build rapport with is another mirroring technique: If the other person is speaking fast, you speak fast; if the other person is speaking slowly, you slow down.This technique can overwhelm you if you try to build rapport with two people who speak at completely different speeds at the same time.

Nonverbal messages can sometimes hint at a problem.For example, if a supplier turns away and blushes when promising a delivery date, it may be time to suspect that the date is unrealistic.Table 20-1 describes nonverbal signals that imply significant problems.

Problematic nonverbal signals include the following:
1.pressure

Expressionless or smirking; tense posture; arms stiffened to the side; abrupt movements, such as sudden eye rolls, quick head turns, and nervous tapping of legs; sudden shifts in mood during speech, from monotonous and gentle replies to lively and loud ones answer.

2.depressed

drooping shoulders; sad facial expression; slower than usual speech; decreased gestures; slowed breathing rate; frequent sighing.

3.lack of understanding

Frowning; nonchalant expression; uncertain, feeble nodding and smiling; one eyebrow raised slightly; saying "yes" or "I understand" in an unnatural tone; saying "I understand" when turning away.

4.Hesitating about sensitive topics
Tilt your head slightly, raise your eyebrows slightly; lick your lips; take a deep breath when making eye contact.

5.express disapproval in hostile deference
A downward motion of a limb or eye, or both, similar to bowing to a person of authority; eyes closed, hand over nose, saying "Ah, no!"

6.Lying, Fraud and Deceit
False smiles can be identified in subtle ways, especially eye wrinkles that resemble crow's feet more than laugh lines; in contrast, real smiles often have crooked eyes with a common slack expression.Untimely tapping of fingers or feet suggests deceit and deceit; turning of the body or any other sudden movement.Failure to maintain eye contact is a sign of low trust.

7.exhausted

It is always bad manners to yawn, even if you cover your mouth; likewise a yawn may indicate fatigue, or perhaps lack of motivation or exhaustion for the task at hand.

There are many cross-cultural differences in nonverbal communication.If you can recognize these differences in the unspoken messages, you will be mindful of them when interacting with people from other cultures.The following are examples of these differences:
1.A Japanese nod with a smile implies understanding, not necessarily agreement.

2.In many Asian and some Middle Eastern cultures, it is considered impolite to look directly at your boss too often.So bowing your head is a sign of respect, not a sign of lack of confidence.

3.The Japanese, like many other Asians, find it frowned upon to hug in public.

4.Asians may smile to avoid conflict rather than to show approval.

5.Brits, Scandinavians and other Nordics like to keep a good distance between themselves and each other.They rarely touch each other when talking.In contrast, French, Italians, Latin Americans and Eastern Europeans tend to stand closer together and touch each other to express intimacy or approval.

6.For Americans, the thumb and index finger are held in a circle, and the other three fingers are spread out, which means "OK".The same gesture means money to the Japanese, and a Japanese businessman may interpret this gesture as asking for a fee; to the French, it means zero; in some Arab countries, it is regarded as a curse; in Germany, Brazil In other countries, the American OK gesture is annoying.

In reality, one way to address cross-cultural differences in nonverbal communication is to have a clear understanding of these differences before interacting with people from other cultures.Another relatively conservative approach is to minimize the use of non-verbal signals unless you are sure that the other party can accurately interpret them.

There are gender differences in communication styles:

1.Women prefer talking to build rapport.

2.Men prefer to use conversation to provide information and show their talents, so as to maintain their independence and identity.

3.Women need emotional understanding, not just solutions.

When women are stressed out and share their feelings with others, what they are looking for is for someone else to empathize with them and understand their situation.If they feel that they are being listened to carefully, the stress will be released.

4.Men like to solve problems alone, while women like to discuss solutions with others.

Women see shared problems as an opportunity to build and deepen relationships; men are more likely to see problems as challenges they must face on their own.As a result of these differences in communication, men may become reticent when faced with difficult problems.

5.Men tend to be more direct and less apologetic, while women are more courteous.

6.When faced with disagreements, women tend to mediate and men become more assertive.

7.Men are more interested than women in drawing attention to their accomplishments or receiving exclusive recognition for their accomplishments.

One consequence of this difference is that men are more likely to dominate the conversation in meetings.Another result is that women are more likely to help their colleagues succeed.For example, a female salesperson will give up a great opportunity to a colleague after she has completed her share of sales."It's someone else's turn, I've got enough bonuses this month," she said.

8.Men and women interrupt conversations for different reasons.

When men interrupt a conversation, they are more likely to introduce new topics or to add to what others have said.When women interrupt a conversation, they are more likely to clarify what the other person is thinking or to show support.

9.In small talk, women are more people-focused, while men emphasize sports and other leisure activities.

10.Women are more likely to use refined slang particles, while men are more likely to use vulgar ones.

Knowing these differences can help you understand the communication behavior of others.For example, if a male colleague isn't as polite as you think, remember that's just gender and don't take it personally.When women talk about their problems, they may not be looking for helpful advice, but simply looking for someone who will listen to her so that they can work through their emotional problems.

Communication breakdowns happen from time to time.There are often many interruptions between idea and action, and the type of information will affect the amount of interference: general or neutral messages are easiest to deliver; when the message becomes complex or involves people's emotions, or when Interference is most likely to occur when it conflicts with the psychological state of the recipient of the message.

An approach to overcoming some of the most common communication problems in organizations is shown in Figure 20-2.

Figure 20-2: Strategies for Overcoming Communication Barriers
1.Know the receiver of the message

Knowing who you need to communicate with is a fundamental principle in overcoming communication barriers.The better you understand the receiver of your message, the more effectively you can send it.Three important aspects of understanding the receiver of a message are: developing empathy; identifying the other party's motivational state; and understanding the other party's frame of reference.

(1) In order to cultivate empathy, figuratively speaking, you have to put yourself in the shoes of the recipient of the information.To do this, you must imagine yourself as the other person and assume their perspectives and feelings.

(2) The incentive status of the recipient of the information includes any current needs and interests.People tend to pay attention to the information that can meet the needs of the moment.Hungry people usually don't hear whispers, but can easily hear whispers like, "How about dinner?" Managers are also often on the lookout for suggestions for cost savings or increased profits.

(End of this chapter)