Harvard Emotional Intelligence Class

Chapter 61 Using Emotional Skills to Influence Others (2)
(3) People interpret words and concepts differently because their positions and perspectives are different.This difference in reference architecture can create communication barriers.To reduce this barrier, you have to understand "where" the receiver of the message is coming from.The following example occurred in a financial services organization where differences in reference architecture created communication barriers:
Garber, in his second year as an agent, showed his boss, Gary, his sales figures for the month.Garber was very proud of his achievements, he said: "What do you think of this kind of performance for people of my age?" Gary replied: "If you want to earn 4 yuan a year for the rest of your life, this is already Great." Garber replied, "Sounds good."

Gary looked at him suspiciously and said, "Are you saying that you will be happy if you earn 4 yuan a year for the rest of your life? I say that to wake you up." Garber replied, "I don't mean to disrespect you. , Gary, but in my hometown, 4 yuan is a lot. My parents' income has never been close to that amount."

2.Use verbal or nonverbal feedback
In order to determine whether the recipient of the information has received your information accurately, you can ask the other party to give feedback.Asking for feedback is important because it is also an essential element of two-way communication.Face-to-face communication is more effective when two people have information to exchange.One person first sends a message to the other, starting the communication process.However, the other person must respond to complete this communication cycle.Because in two-way communication, people can exchange not only facts, but also feelings, so it helps to make the meaning clear.

3.Be careful when you send your message
The best time to send your message depends on the situation.Sending a message is a waste of time when the recipient of the message is worried or in a hurry to go elsewhere.If you want the other party to promise you something, it's best to make your request when the other party is in a good mood.

4.reduce physical barriers

Have you ever tried standing in someone's office or doorway to communicate with them?Have you ever tried communicating with someone with a giant table separating you?In both cases, if you reduce those barriers, the effectiveness of your communication is likely to increase.In a meeting, the main way to increase communication between people is to have people sit in circles rather than separating them with tables.

Another way to reduce physical barriers is to have ample opportunity to chat with each other about work topics, and to “think big” with colleagues that can help clarify ideas for solving challenging problems.

5.avoid signal confusion

One case of signal confusion is sending different messages to different listeners about the same topic.For example, a company may tout the high quality of its products in public statements.On the job shop or in the office, however, companies tell employees to cut corners wherever they can reduce costs.Another type of signal confusion occurs when you send someone else a message saying what to do, but you yourself do it a different way.This mixed signal occurs when a manager preaches the importance of people-centered management, but still engages in job-discriminatory behavior himself.

6.Use moderately difficult sentences

Avoid overly complex language and keep jargon to a minimum when communicating with the intended recipient of the message.But it's not necessary to avoid complex language and jargon all the time, and jargon is a convenient language shortcut when talking between experts.Jargon is also psychologically important because it conveys the message that the receiver of the message is part of the small group that sent the message.Also avoid messages that are too easy to understand, which may make the other person feel taken too far.One way to alienate the intended recipient of your message is to say, "I'm going to explain this to you in terms that a layman can understand."

7.minimize psychological defense

A significant communication barrier is defensive communication, the tendency to send or receive information in a way that protects one's self-esteem.

Overcoming barriers to defensive communication is a two-step process.First, people need to recognize that defensive communication exists.Second, try not to be overly defensive when being questioned or criticized.

Another way to minimize defensive communication is to reduce statements that have the potential to set others off guard.If you use words that the recipient of the message considers to be insulting or demeaning, then the other party will immediately build a psychological defense line, and the correct thing to do is to avoid offending anyone.

8.Effective use of email and instant messaging
Consider the following advice: Avoid indiscriminate messaging and don't overwhelm others.Try not to use politically motivated emails to prove to others that you are not at fault for a problem that has arisen.Email and instant messaging should not be used as a substitute for face-to-face communication on sensitive topics, such as resolving conflict or berating another person.Don't get into the habit of indecisiveness by asking people to email you before making a decision. Such behavior will reduce your credibility as a sender of information.Avoid using email to irritate people (sending harsh, furious, and sometimes vulgar text messages), which is immature.

On a positive note, answer as many emails as possible.If you respond quickly, the sender won't feel like you're ignoring their message.

9.Try to avoid communication overload
When people's ability to absorb information is overloaded, they tend to reject new information, a situation known academically as "line overload."Being overwhelmed by information can also cause memory disorder, and the useful information retained in memory will become blurred.

You can reduce the pain of information overload by, for example, carefully organizing information and categorizing it effectively before you start reading, focusing on information that will help you work better, learn more effectively, and enjoy life more.

10.Participate in small talk and selective small talk
Effective use of small talk and gossip can help overcome communication barriers.The importance of small talk is that it can help improve conversation skills, and having good conversation skills will facilitate interpersonal communication.

11.use meta-communication

That is, sharing your communication style with others in advance to help overcome obstacles or solve problems.If you're trying to speak to a co-worker with a scowling face, you could say, "You seem disturbed about our conversation. Isn't this a good time to talk to you about something important?"

In communication, people with high emotional intelligence will overcome cross-cultural communication barriers. Generally, there will be the following steps:
1.Keenly aware of the existence of cross-cultural communication barriers.At work, when you deal with a person from a different cultural background, ask him for feedback, which can minimize the barriers of cross-cultural communication.

2.Show respect to all personnel.A big part of respect is acknowledging that other cultures are different from yours, but not inferior to yours.

3.Use simple language, speak slowly, and speak clearly.When your work partner is not fluent in your language, speak in an understandable way.Minimize the use of idioms and metaphors that are unique to your language.An accountant from Taiwan was confused after completing a performance review with her supervisor."I'll give you more assignments because I've noticed some great chemistry between us," said the supervisor. (He was referring to the rapport.) The woman didn't try to ask because she Don't want to appear ignorant.

4.It's also important to speak slowly, because even someone who is proficient in reading and writing in a second language may not be able to detect nuances in conversation.Meeting people from other cultures face-to-face will also enhance your communication, as your facial expressions and other body language will help.

5.Observe cultural differences in etiquette.If the rules of etiquette are violated and no explanation is given, it creates an immediate communication breakdown.One of the great rules of etiquette is that in many countries people of high status are referred to by their surnames rather than their first names unless they have worked together for a long time.

People with high EQ become more persuasive communicators because:

1.know exactly what you want

If you've got an idea very well thought out in your head, your chances of successfully selling it are multiplied.

2.think of alternatives

If you can't convince the other party to accept your initial proposal, think of alternatives.If plan A doesn't work, switch to plan B, and if not, plan C.

3.Do not propose a solution without articulating its ultimate benefits

If asking for a raise, you can say, "If I get a raise, I'll stay as long as the company wants me to."

4.Formulate your proposal wording in the interests of others

People are more likely to buy into your idea if they are clear about their benefits.Almost every recipient of a message wants to know: "What can I get out of this?"

5.Another suggestion: Research the reasons why others say no
Whenever you ask a question, explain why you are asking.Establish the pattern of affirmative answers early on.Use powerful words.Support your conclusions with data.Keep the "cowardly" wording to a minimum.Minimize common speech flaws.

In addition to speaking, we must also improve our listening skills.Improving information receptivity is another important aspect of developing better communication skills.

1.To be a good listener, you must first concentrate and avoid distraction
Listening more attentively will improve the effect of listening and receive more information.When listening, try to put distractions and concerns behind you; if there are distractions and concerns from the outside, you also need to resist them.In short, good listeners overcome distractions.

2.Aim to feel the speaker's emotions by listening intently
By doing this, you can make the sender of the message feel understood and accepted.Likewise, if you reject the characteristics of the sender's language and instead reword it, you may trigger the sender's defensiveness.Many people say "I'm stuck" when they can't complete a task.If you answer like this: "Is there anything I can do to help you out?", then it can often improve the communication effect.But if you answer like this: "Is there anything I can do to help you think through the problem?" The other person will be forced to change the way of thinking, and may also set up defenses against you.

3.Observing the nonverbal portion of the message
For example, you can tell the sincerity of a message sender by the tone of his voice and the earnestness of his facial expression.

4.Paraphrasing is also important, i.e. repeating in your own words what the other person said, felt and meant

When you first start to paraphrase, you may feel that you cannot use it flexibly.So you can do some practice with someone who makes you feel comfortable.With some practice, paraphrasing will naturally become an important part of your communication skills.Here's an example of how to paraphrase:

Others: The heavy work here really bothers me.I pray that everyone will do what they should do well.

You: You're saying that on our team, you do a lot more work than you should, don't you?

Others: Of course.That's what I think we should be addressing.

Good listeners encourage each other by asking questions, nodding in agreement, and finding common ground.

In our daily life, we also need to improve our telephone and voice mail communication skills.

(End of this chapter)