Harvard Emotional Intelligence Class

Chapter 66 Change yourself, you are the master of your life (1)
Are you still suffering from the helplessness in your life?Have you thought about changing yourself in the past?Don't complain about your bad luck, don't blame God for giving you too much suffering, everything depends on yourself!As long as you bravely challenge the suffering that life brings you, you will get out of the sea of ​​suffering and become the master of life instead of being controlled by life.How can I become the master of my life?Only by changing yourself and making yourself stronger can you completely escape from the sea of ​​suffering.

(In the first section, I can recognize myself better in adversity

People always have bad roots, just like Xu Sanduo once said about himself: When he is happy, he never thinks about other people's misfortune.Changing this sentence can better explain the inferiority of people. When people are going smoothly, they can rarely see themselves clearly.Many times I can't see myself clearly, I don't know what I want most, and I don't know what I should cherish most.But when faced with adversity, people will calm down and think about what they have done and what they have missed.It should be said that adversity is the best teacher in a person's life, it can make you see yourself clearly.

I believe everyone has this feeling. If you are in good health, you will not worry about your health, and you will not realize how important exercise is to your health. But one day you will be sick, and you will realize that health is important to you. How important it is; only those who are blind appreciate light more, and still more so those who grow up blind and deaf.However, those who have eyes and ears never make good use of these gifts.They turn a blind eye, turn a deaf ear, and have no appreciation.Things are often like this, people will miss something once they have lost it, and only when people are in adversity can they see themselves clearly.

★In the face of adversity, we must recognize ourselves more clearly

Mr. Zhuo Huotu, who was the general manager of Hongda International and retired to engage in public welfare undertakings, originally grew up in a wealthy family. When he was 14 years old, when he was growing up happily, his father was hit by a car at the door of the house. He rushed to the emergency department of the hospital with his father, whose family was dying. He was so distraught that he wanted to cry, but no one in the emergency room paid any attention to him. His father passed away right in front of his eyes, and went to another world.The pillars of the family have fallen, and the family has been in misery ever since.Such a regret is very painful for a teenager, but it also made him aspire to be a useful person in his later life-later he served as the general manager of a well-known international company.Later, when he talked about this experience, he said: "This is a major turning point in his life!" It also let him know that in the future, the burden of the family's survival will all fall on his shoulders, and he must strive to make the family recover from the suffering. newborn.It was also the change in the family that made him realize the burden on him and made him take his own life path more seriously. ★
Adversity can make people cautious and aware. People who have experienced hardships are often better able to understand all reality than those who have come through in good times; expensive pain and bad luck can often make a person courageous to go upstream.

Adversity is a stepping stone for geniuses, an asset for capable people, and an abyss for weak people.Lamenai said: "Those who do not understand the benefits of suffering have not lived a smart and real life." Therefore, adversity may be a help, but it may also be a hindrance.If it makes people suspicious of humanity, pessimistic or cynical, it is a resistance; if it is transformed into motivation, it will become your strength to strive for strength.People who have seen the world and experienced adversity in life, and those who are willing to work hard, can have a win-win life.

Adversity can inspire people's fighting spirit and temper people's will more than predicaments; in such adversity, they can also see their position more clearly.Just as the characteristics of spring can only be recognized in winter, the best May poems can be recited behind the fire.

Adversity makes you completely lower your once invincible head, and really think about what you have experienced and what you should do.When a person is able to see himself clearly in adversity, he has taken a crucial step for himself to get out of the predicament. After seeing himself clearly, he will be more motivated to achieve his goals and be more sure of his judgment .

(Section [-] Never give up on yourself in a desperate situation

A person's life will not be smooth sailing. He will always encounter various challenges and difficulties, and even enter into a desperate situation. In the desperate situation, people will often say to themselves to give up, and they will never recover from a setback. They will become a failure in life and suffer unbearably. live his life.Successful people never say give up to themselves in desperation, they will use their strong vitality to challenge their fate, and finally overcome the desperation and achieve their brilliant life.

★Pursue your own ideals in desperation
In 1791, Faraday was born in the home of a poor blacksmith on the outskirts of London.His father had a meager income, was often ill, and had many children, so Faraday couldn't even eat enough to eat when he was a child. Sometimes he could only eat one piece of bread a week, let alone go to school.

When Faraday was 12 years old, he took to the streets to sell newspapers.While selling newspapers, at the same time learn to read from the newspapers.By the age of 13, Faraday entered a printing factory as a book binding apprentice, and he was learning while binding books.In his spare time, he reads bound books.Sometimes even on the way to deliver the goods, he also watched while walking.After several years of hard work, Faraday finally took off the hat of illiteracy.

Gradually, Faraday could read more and more books.He began to read the Encyclopaedia Britannica, often late into the night.He especially liked books on electricity and mechanics.Faraday had no money to buy books or notebooks, so he used the waste paper from the printing factory to make notebooks, extracting various materials, and sometimes adding illustrations himself.

By chance, Dans, a member of the Royal Society of England, came to the printing factory to proofread his work, and found Faraday's "manuscript" by accident.When he knew that it was a notebook bound by an apprentice, he was taken aback, so Dans gave Faraday a lecture ticket from the Royal Academy.

Faraday came to the Royal Academy with great excitement.It was the well-known British chemist David who gave the report.Faraday stared wide-eyed, listening to David's lecture very attentively.After returning home, he compiled the lecture notes into a volume as a "Chemistry Textbook" for self-study.

Later, Faraday sent his carefully bound "Chemistry Textbook" to Professor David, and attached a letter, saying: "I would like to escape from the business world and enter the scientific world, because according to my imagination, science can make people noble. And amiable".

After receiving the letter, David was deeply moved.He appreciated Faraday's talent so much that he decided to recruit him as an assistant.Faraday was very diligent and quickly mastered the experimental technique, becoming David's right-hand man.

Six months later, David will go on a scientific research trip to the European continent, visit famous scientists from various European countries, and visit chemical laboratories in various countries.David decided to take Faraday abroad.In this way, Faraday traveled with David in Europe for a year and a half, met Ampere and other famous scientists, gained a lot of knowledge, and learned French.

After returning home, Faraday began to conduct scientific research independently.Soon, he discovered the phenomenon of electromagnetic induction. In 1834, he discovered the law of electrolysis, which shocked the scientific world.This law is named "Faraday's law of electrolysis".

Relying on hard self-study, Faraday stepped into the ranks of the world's top scientists from a book-binding apprentice who didn't even study in elementary school.Engels once praised Faraday as "the greatest electrician so far".Faraday's life is extremely difficult. It can be said that it is a desperate situation in life. How many people can not give up pursuing their dreams when it is difficult to guarantee three meals?Faraday is such a strong person, he did not give up his right to learn knowledge, did not give up the opportunity to make himself outstanding, he grasped every opportunity to learn, when he had no chance to receive formal education, he passed all opportunities to learn , so he succeeded.He is a typical example of achieving his own brilliance in a desperate situation. ★
Desperation makes those who don't give up stronger and stimulates their greater potential. They will become stronger because of desperation, and what desperation brings to them may be a precious wealth in their lives; for those who give up lightly , Desperation is like a dose of poison. Faced with this dose of poison, they can't find an antidote, and finally give up their efforts and become losers in the end.

Desperation, in many cases, if you are afraid to face it, it will become stronger; but if you have enough courage to face it and make yourself strong, desperation is not so terrible.Therefore, there is no absolute hopelessness in life. Many times, it depends on your own attitude. When you really regard it as an insurmountable hurdle, then you have already lost more than half; if you choose to face it bravely, then the ultimate victory It must be you.

In a desperate situation, don't give up on yourself. If you give up on yourself, you will have no chance at all.Challenge it with your courage and confidence.

(The third section learns to appreciate yourself in adversity
Different life stages have different value orientations. Young people are good at appreciating themselves because they cherish their golden years of "the sun at eight or nine o'clock in the morning". Middle-aged people appreciate themselves by emphasizing their long-term accumulated experience. To appreciate oneself is to add more glory to human history in the enviable "sunset red".Appreciating yourself is a wonderful thing, but not everyone can do it.People are always envious of others and appreciating the strengths of others, but they are very stingy towards themselves. They always feel that they are not good enough and are not as lucky as others. Want to appreciate yourself in the past.In fact, learning to appreciate yourself in adversity is very helpful to get out of the predicament. Knowing how to appreciate yourself and seeing your own strengths can give yourself confidence and make yourself more motivated to overcome difficulties.

In adversity, learning to appreciate yourself is actually to maintain an optimistic and positive attitude when facing difficulties, so that you can see hope from adversity, so as not to fall into a desperate situation.

★Learn to appreciate yourself

Li Hua was born in a remote mountain village.When he was a child, his family was very poor, and he had no chance to go to school. He followed his father to cultivate and work on the wasteland every day.He didn't stay in school for more than a year in total. Although his family was very poor, he didn't underestimate himself because of his poverty.Instead, he took this life's misfortunes as an exercise in himself, and he learned to appreciate himself in times of difficulty.Appreciating himself gives Li Hua more motivation to study hard.Whenever he had a chance, he asked others for advice. He had no money to buy paper and pens. When he herded cattle, chopped firewood, and dug the ground, he always carried a book in his arms. Read with relish.At night, he often reads until late at night under a small oil lamp.

When he grew up, Li Hua left his hometown to make a living by himself.He worked as a small worker on a construction site and as a waiter in a restaurant. Sometimes he was hungry when he couldn't find a job, but no matter how bad the living environment was, he would never feel inferior. He always had a sense of appreciation for himself. attitude, thinking that one day he will give full play to his talents and embark on the road to success. It is this mentality that keeps him from giving up his studies at any time.

After his unremitting efforts, he finally embarked on the road to success.In this process, his self-appreciation mentality brought him great confidence and courage.When he was 24 years old, he finally took the self-examination, got the qualification of a lawyer, and became an excellent lawyer. His life began to undergo earth-shaking changes.Looking back on the road he has traveled, he said with emotion: "If I didn't know how to appreciate myself, in that environment, I would have given up a long time ago, and I would not be where I am today."★
Every accomplished person in the world is a model of self-appreciation, especially in difficult times.They don't feel sorry for themselves, they don't moan, they look at the difficulties they encounter from a positive perspective.This is an important difference between great people and mediocre people.

Sometimes in my spare time, I quietly appreciate myself. In fact, I am also very real, innocent and lovely. On the road of our life, although there are no fragrant flowers to add fragrance to us, there are green fields of hope to stretch out for us; Although there is no thunderous applause to cheer for us, there is a long-lasting belief established in our hearts; despite the vicissitudes and ups and downs on the course of life, the ideal sails on the journey are still high.How many times we reminisce about the footprints we have pursued in the scorching sun and wind and rain. Although the banner of life is so plain, we are still determined-following our own route, wading through the river of time, and walking into a beautiful oasis.You don't need to change anything, and you don't need to be picky about anything. You are yourself—the unique self in the world.Originally beautiful and unique - but we still need to work hard!

Appreciating ourselves is to give ourselves encouragement when no one is applauding for us; to give ourselves some comfort when no one is weeping for us; to give ourselves space and confidence when we feel ashamed.Then shake off yesterday's exhaustion and helplessness, caress away yesterday's pain and tears, go to welcome tomorrow's brand new sunrise, and walk towards a sunny morning...

Appreciating others is a kind of respect, being appreciated by others is a kind of recognition, appreciating oneself is a kind of self-confidence and a kind of skill, appreciating oneself in a difficult situation is to give oneself confidence and courage.

Appreciating yourself is a kind of wisdom, let your "sparkling points" become "brilliant" as soon as possible, and let your "residual heat" play as much as possible. This is a kind of life value that recognizes your own existence. .

(Section [-] firmly believe that you are right
We often encounter forked roads in our lives. Facing the forked road, we often don’t know which direction to drive to reach our destination the fastest. At this time, what we need most is to believe in our own judgment and act decisively. Take your first step and don't hesitate, otherwise you will waste more time and get yourself in trouble.

There are many turning points in life, and we always need to make a choice at this point. What we need most at this time is to firmly believe in ourselves.

★ Believe that you are right

The famous Italian film star Sophia Loren, who is famous in the world of film circles, can become a super movie star that attracts the attention of the world, which is inseparable from her self-confidence.

In "Cassandra Bridge", "Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow" and other films, Sophia Loren left a deep and vivid impression on the audience with her unique charm.Her long nose, big eyes, big mouth, full breasts and buttocks all add to her irresistible beauty.But, you know what?When Sophia Loren first auditioned for the camera, she almost failed to make it to the film because of her long nose and plump buttocks.The photographers thought her nose was too long and her buttocks were too developed, and suggested that she undergo surgery to shorten her nose and reduce her buttocks, but Sophia Loren firmly disagreed.

Sophia Loren described the scene in detail in her self-report:

One day, he (referring to Carlo——author's note) asked me to go to his office.We just had our third or fourth test shot, I don't remember exactly.He said to me tentatively, "I just had a meeting with the photographer and they all said the same thing, oh, it's about your nose."

"What's wrong with my nose?" I asked even though I knew what was going to happen.

"Well, well, if you're going to make a career in the film business, you might want to consider some changes."

"You mean to move my nose?"

"Yeah. Also, maybe you need to cut the hips a little bit. You see, I'm just giving advice to all the photographers. The nose won't be a big problem, just shorten it a bit and the photographer will be able to shoot it, you understand?" ?”

Of course I understand because my appearance is quite different from those actresses who have become famous. They are all good-looking and have good features, but I am not like that.My face has too many flaws, but all these flaws add up to make it more attractive.If I have a lump on my nose, I don't hesitate to get it removed.But to say that my nose is too long, no, that is nonsensical, because I know that the nose is the main part of the face, it gives the face its character.I like my nose and face the way it is. "Honestly," I said to Carlo, "I have a different face, but why should I look like everyone else?"

"I understand," Carlo said. "I also want to keep your true colors, but those photographers..."

"I'm going to keep my character, I'm not willing to change anything."

"Okay, let's see," Carlo said, apologizing for asking the question.

"As for my hip," I said. "Admittedly, my hips are a bit too developed, but that's part of who I am, what makes me who I am, and that's who I am. I like to keep who I am."

It was this conversation that made director Carlo Ponti really know Sophia Loren, understand her and appreciate her.Later, Carlo Ponti became Roland's husband.Because Roland did not obey the photographers' words and did not lose confidence in herself, she was able to fully demonstrate her unique beauty in the movie.Moreover, her unique appearance and warm, cheerful, unrestrained temperament began to be recognized by people.From 1950 to 1979, she played roles in 75 films, and was called "the swan that flew out of the slums". In 1961, she starred in "Two Women" which was a huge success, and she won the Academy Award for Best Actress for it.

(End of this chapter)