Harvard Emotional Intelligence Class

Chapter 72 Building a Beautiful Family with Emotional Intelligence (1)
The family is the cell of society and an important part of society.Bringing emotional intelligence into the family and cultivating a family with high emotional intelligence can not only improve the happiness of the family, but also provide an inexhaustible motivation for work, thus becoming an enviable example in building a harmonious society.

(The first section keeps repairing the relationship between husband and wife
In a marriage, 70 percent of the determinants of a wife's sexual, romantic, and emotional satisfaction depend on the quality of the couple's friendship.And for men, 70% of the deciding factor depends on the quality of the friendship between husband and wife.Because men and women are from the same planet after all.

Grandpa had been blind for as long as John could remember.He has been farming for decades in the sandy lands of eastern South Dakota.Then he got a serious illness, which made him blind in both eyes.At the age of 96, he has become an excellent listener for relationship issues.He's also a very worthy confidant for questions raised like a cannonball -- because he has the emotional richness of a 70-year-old relationship.He and his grandmother felt that their relationship had something in common with the many years they had spent on the farm: proper concentration combined with heavy work got them through the most difficult days.Something more than just sticking together is that they worked hard together and reaped 70 years of love and friendship.

As they reminisce about the past and the bonds that bound them together, they speak of loyalty, and sometimes compromises are required for loyalty.Whether it was raising kids during the height of the Great Depression or being cooped up for days during a snowstorm, they put energy into repairing their fights rather than fueling them the other way around.Even in arguments, they feel a responsibility to discover and understand the other person's perspective.As a couple with high emotional intelligence, their ability to get along is the result of their constant search for common ground.

Research by Robert Levenson at the University of California, Berkeley has shown that the key to understanding the emotional state of others is first becoming very familiar with your own emotional development.Levinson has invited several couples to his physiology laboratory to discuss two issues, one is a neutral conversation such as "how are you doing", and the other is a 15-minute discussion on the differences between the couple.During this skirmish, Levinson recorded their every reaction, from heart rate to changes in facial expression.

After discussing differences, one spouse leaves and the other stays.Then, while watching the videotape of the conversation, share your unspoken actual feelings.Afterwards, the person who stays leaves, and the other person returns to express his feelings about the other person's statement or point of view.

Husbands or wives who are empathetic show special physical activity.When they compare their hearts and consider each other's situation, they themselves will have the same feelings as the other party.If the videotaped partner's heartbeat was seen to increase, the empath's own heartbeat also increased; if the videotaped partner's heartbeat was slowed down, the empathetic partner's heartbeat was also slowed down.This imitation is directly related to a physiological phenomenon called attunement and is an intimate "emotional tango".

This highly attuned relationship requires us to temporarily put our own emotional activity aside so that we can more clearly receive the signals from the other party.When we are immersed in our own strong emotions, it is difficult for the mental activities of others to affect us, and we will ignore the more subtle messages that maintain a friendly relationship.

Starting a new romantic relationship is a lot like buying a new car, and driving it is more like pure bliss.When you look around, you can hardly see all sides of it.Everything smells, sounds and looks great.You can drive comfortably and easily, maybe for weeks, maybe months, and you revel in the feeling of driving, until for the first time something like this happens: something breaks and you need to fix it.Vehicles, like human relationships, need repairs to keep them running smoothly.If a car is worth owning, there are times when parts need to be replaced and it takes time and effort to keep it in top shape.But sometimes it's amazing how one small mistake by the mechanic can wipe out the entire car.Getting your car running is important, but even more important is fixing it.This is also key to emotionally intelligent relationships.If you don't focus on the wear and tear that comes with it on a regular basis, you and your spouse are sure to find yourself on two parallel lines.

In a study undertaken by Dr. John Guttman of the University of Washington and his research team, they predicted future divorces with 5% accuracy just by observing the frequency of 93-minute arguments between couples.This research shows that it doesn't matter how often couples fight, but that efforts need to be made by both partners to resolve the fight amicably and repair the relationship.Emotionally intelligent relationships are fueled by two people who focus on repairing an argument.Repairing a relationship can take many forms, but the goal of all forms is to move the argument to a solution.It can be a compromise suggestion, or use your humor to break the tension, but the main intent is to send a powerful signal that you care, respect your spouse, and love more than you justify. It is more important to be correct.

So, how to repair the relationship between husband and wife?

First, it is important to realize that repairing a relationship, while not resolving your disputes, is an action that goes beyond expressing anger, resentment, and hostility toward your spouse.

The first problem with successfully repairing a relationship is to rely on your ego.You can't improve an argument between you if you're emotionally cornered.Arguing brings out all your emotions about your spouse, so maintaining any point of view on your behavior and emotions can be a real challenge at this time.If you find yourself emotionally so intense that you can't think clearly, the best thing to do is to do nothing.Then explain to your spouse that you are out of control and need some time to calm down and allow your thoughts to come together.

Then, if you are calm enough and have some perspective on the situation, you can initiate the next steps in repairing the relationship.

Use your social awareness skills to focus your thoughts on how things would look from your spouse's perspective.You cannot initiate a successful repairing relationship unless you fully understand why your spouse is taking these actions.You have to show your spouse that even if you disagree with him or her, you care about how things look from his or her perspective.Showing respect for your spouse's views, whether they're right or wrong -- that's the key to compromise.

In addition, successful relationship repair can manifest itself in a variety of forms.In order to successfully repair a relationship, you may need to arm yourself with the knowledge gained over many failed attempts.Be prepared to make multiple attempts at repairing a relationship during a single argument, one failed repair attempt can lead to hurt emotions and a wounded ego.When your spouse misinterprets your efforts to make things better, you need to get over your discomfort and do your best to bear the pain you face.The more you do this, the more inclusive he or she becomes and does the same.Your intention to repeat in terms of empathy and understanding will not be lost in a loving, responsible spouse.

And, discussing together that repairing the relationship will also help your relationship.If you can talk about your argument during your next argument, it's probably time for the two of you to start repairing your relationship.When you talk to your spouse about repairing the relationship, you develop an understanding that you will both use during your next argument.Even if your spouse has a hard time repairing the relationship the next time they've had an argument, he or she will likely acknowledge your efforts and see it as an attempt to show care and make things better .

Finally, use your emotional intelligence skills to discuss and fix arguments.You have to know yourself and understand your emotions throughout the argument.This means being self-aware enough to recognize when you can tolerate anger and initiate a repair relationship.You need to use your social awareness skills to "read" another person.The fight will be smoother if you manage yourself from start to finish.Repairing a relationship does not require both spouses to act with emotional intelligence, sometimes only one party needs to have a self-management perspective and initiate the repair of the relationship.When the other party gives kind feedback, the relationship builds an unshakable strength that comes from emotional intelligence.

Emotionally intelligent relationships are fueled by two people who focus on repairing an argument.Restoration means showing love and respect even in difficult situations.

(Section [-] Cultivate Children with High EQ
Children are the hope and future of parents, and the happiness of children is the concern of parents all their lives. Chinese parents are more prominent in this regard.It is the first choice for parents to create a happy future for their children by cultivating their children into talents with high emotional intelligence.

★ Be a role model for children's EQ

Jim Kelly had a troubled childhood.His family was very poor, and when the kids his age were doing all kinds of sports without worry, Jim had to work with his family in a tire factory.Humor saves Jim: He can bend the left side of his own face into a goofy look, making everyone in the room laugh.His father shot West?Kelly supports her son's unique ability to "escape" the challenges of everyday life.More importantly, Patsy wanted Jim to live more comfortably with his own nimble performance.

At the age of 14, Jim's talent for comedy led him to try out a comedy show based on jokes one night at a local comedy club.Jim is deeply involved in rehearsing his show, but he worries a week before his show whether strangers will take his jokes.His dad recognized Jim's concern and spent hours helping him practice acting.Patsy wanted Jim to overcome his anxiety and help build his confidence, a task he knew a 14-year-old couldn't do on his own.They went to the club together that night, but Jim's solo performance on stage was a fiasco.Despite the setback, Patsy convinces Jim to keep his love of comedy alive.

At the age of 19, Jim returned to performing on stage, and his show even became a regular program on the Canadian tour.The laughing audience confirmed what his father had always told him: that Jim had great comedic talent.But he knew the real test for any comedian was in Hollywood, so he packed all his bags and headed to California.It didn't take long for Jim to realize that he was just a small fish in a big pond.After two years of living and performing in run-down motels, with acting still unsuccessful, Jim gave up and returned to Canada.Back home, Patsy reminds Jim that he has an extraordinary talent for acting, but that he must persevere in all circumstances if he is to succeed in acting.

(End of this chapter)