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Chapter 49 Appendix: Harvard Family Education Rules (2)
The swan effect is actually the result of doting.Spoiling is a traditional problem in Chinese parenting, but China has opposed spoiling since ancient times, and there has been a saying that "a loving mother loses her son" since ancient times.The so-called loving mother refers to a kind of excessive maternal love, that is, spoiling.Literally, the word "冷" in "偶爱" has the meaning of "excessive" and "submerged", and loving children too much is equivalent to drowning them.The ancients said: "Although it is said to be loved, it is actually harmed; although it is said to be loved, it is actually hated." This is the best comment on the word "doting".Han Feizi has a saying: "There is nothing in human nature that loves parents. Everyone sees love and does not necessarily cure it." It is impossible to educate good children.

There is such a fable in the book "Gu Jin Tan Gai": In order to avoid disasters, kingfishers began to build their nests in the high places of trees.After the hatchling was hatched, it liked it very much. For fear that the chick would fall from the high nest and die, it moved the nest down.When the little kingfisher grew feathers, it was very beautiful, and it loved it even more. It became more and more afraid that the little kingfisher would fall, so it moved the bird's nest down again, and moved it to a branch very close to the ground.In this way, the kingfisher was relieved, but when the passers-by found the little kingfisher, they took the little kingfisher away with a little raise of their hands.

There is such a story in Balzac's pen: the flour merchant old man Gao spoiled his daughter very much. He gave most of his property as a dowry, let his daughter squeeze into the high society, and lived a luxurious life of a lady. The lover paid off the debt and helped his daughter to commit adultery.However, after the married daughter squeezed the last bit of his father's pension, she ruthlessly abandoned him like a squeezed lemon.

Now is the era of the only child, and the child has become the center of the family. "If you hold it in your hand, you are afraid of flying away, and if you hold it in your mouth, you are afraid of melting."Care is added, and excessive care has become the mainstream of family education, which is doting education.Spoiling is an irrational attitude of pampering, accommodating, and accommodating children.The specific manifestations are that children are placed in a special position in the family, over-protected, and regarded as the central figure of the family; adopt a submissive attitude towards children's willfulness and arrogance; let children eat alone in life, and arrange instead; Mistakes "to protect short-term" and so on.

Parents must learn from the past and treat their children's mistakes and shortcomings objectively when educating them.Children grow up in the process of making mistakes. Parents should treat their children's mistakes and shortcomings objectively, and cannot cover up their shortcomings for their children.Some parents protect their children's mistakes in every possible way, and cover up their shortcomings in every possible way. As a result, the children's small mistakes turn into big mistakes, and small mistakes become big mistakes.The correct love should be able to prevent the children's mistakes and deficiencies in the bud, and prohibit them before they occur.

In fact, spoiling is a kind of deprivation and a kind of sin. It may create incompetence or disability and leave regrets in life.As everyone knows, intellectual and ability disabilities are more terrifying than physical disabilities.

Law Seven: The Law of Natural Punishment
Rousseau believes: "The punishment for a child should only be the natural consequence of his fault." This is Rousseau's "law of natural punishment", which is a milestone in the history of world education.If the child breaks what he is using, do not rush to fill it up, let him feel that he needs it.He broke the panes of his own room, and let the wind blow against him day and night, without fear of catching a cold, which was better than a child's habit of indifference to everything.

The implication of the law of natural punishment is: when a child makes a mistake, parents should not immediately blame the child too much, but let the child bear the consequences directly caused by the mistake, and give the child psychological punishment, so that the child will be in good health in the future. Feel the unhappiness or even pain while bearing the consequences, so that children can reflect on themselves and correct their mistakes.

Simply put, it is to let children experience painful punishment in self-inflicted punishment, and strengthen the painful experience, so as to learn lessons and correct mistakes. The key to the "law of natural punishment" is to make children feel that their behavior is self-inflicted and should be punished.

Another method of the law of natural punishment is: give him a chance to try, if the child must wear that beautiful but flimsy dress, or wear hard-soled shoes that are not suitable for him, let him wear it, the result must be too It's cold, and the shoes are too slippery and hard, so I can't run on the playground and catch up with my classmates.In short, let the children suffer on their own.

When parents educate their children, they must let them understand that everyone should be responsible for their own mistakes and bear the consequences.This is a good habit that parents must focus on cultivating when educating their children.Especially in group activities, children must be more conscientious and do their own work in an orderly manner, otherwise they will cause trouble to themselves and everyone else.

When using the "law of natural punishment", parents, as their children's direct role models, should also lead by example, and the consequences caused by their own faults must not be shifted to their children.

Educating children is like this. When a child makes a mistake, the parents should not be responsible for the child's fault, so that the child learns to be responsible for his own behavior.

In the education of children's morality and character, natural punishment should be used more and artificial punishment should be used as little as possible.Artificial punishment can be used as a supplement to natural punishment.

Example 1: The child takes out a box of toys and throws them all over the floor, or goes out for a walk in the morning, and throws the fresh flowers all over the house when he comes back, or makes clothes for dolls, and throws away rags and scissors Never mind.The principle of natural punishment is to let the child clean up by himself, and tell him that if he does not do this, he will not get these toys or go for a walk next time.

Example 2: An older brother hurt his younger sister’s hand, and asked him to bear the cost of his younger sister’s treatment. If he had no money, he would deduct his pocket money or sell some of his toys, and cancel his relationship with his younger sister twice at the same time. All can enjoy the consumption.

Example 3: If a child takes someone else's property back, parents need to find out if it is with the other person's consent.If not, they should be sent back together with the child, and if it is serious, they should be punished together with the child.

Example 4: If a child hits his grandfather, he must bear severe criticism and accusations from family members, and ask him to use love to make his grandfather forgive.

Example 5: If a child insults another child, he must be asked to apologize to other children; if this happens frequently in the class, the child must be asked to apologize in front of more people and explain the reason.In severe cases, it is necessary to let him be insulted by hypothetical and acting methods, and then ask him to talk about his feelings at this time to inspire his sympathy.

Example 6: A child who doesn’t take good care of his clothes and keeps his clothes torn and dirty, let him suffer from washing, sewing, and being unable to travel or be a guest because the clothes are dirty and torn.

In fact, children are not as ignorant as we imagine, they just have poor control ability. Therefore, sometimes parents should treat children as adults, and teach children to learn to take responsibility and learn to restrain themselves from a young age.

Rule Eight: The Law of Delayed Gratification
American psychologists once did a "delayed gratification" psychological experiment.

On the campus of a town elementary school in Texas, 8 students in one class were taken by the teacher to a large empty room.Then, a strange middle-aged man walked in.

He came to the children with a kind face, gave everyone a candy with a very beautiful packaging, and told them: This candy belongs to you, you can eat it at any time, but if anyone insists on waiting for me to return If you eat it again, you will get two of the same candy as a reward.After speaking, he and the teacher turned around and left here.

(End of this chapter)