speak humor, be humorous

Chapter 44 Humorous talk (4)
Once, the master asked Aesop to go to the city to do some errands, and met a judge by chance on the road. The judge asked him: "Where are you going?" "I don't know." Aesop said.When the judge heard this, he became suspicious of Aesop and put him in prison. "Mr. Judge, I'm telling the truth." Aesop argued in the prison: "I really didn't know that I would be put in prison!" The judge had no choice but to let him go.

good answer

One day, the fabler Aesop met a passerby in the countryside, and the man asked Aesop, "How long will it take to get to the village ahead?"

Aesop replied: "You go straight ahead!"

"I know that," said the passer-by, "but how long will it take you to walk?"

"Go straight ahead!" Aesop still replied.The man thought Aesop was a lunatic, thought he was unlucky, shook his head and left.However, after he walked for a few minutes, Aesop suddenly stopped him and said, "You can walk there in two hours."

"Then why didn't you tell me earlier?" The passer-by asked strangely.

"I didn't know how fast you walked at the beginning!" Aesop spread his hands and said, "Then how can I answer you?"

George Bernard Shaw, again
"Work" is a foreign word
At a banquet, George Bernard Shaw was sitting next to a wealthy textile proprietress.The obese landlady asked Bernard Shaw with a coquettish smile: "Do you know that there is a way to prevent obesity?"

George Bernard Shaw stroked his beard, pretended to be very serious and said: "I know there is a way, but I can't think of a way to translate this word to you, because the word 'work' is not familiar to you. Say, it’s a foreign word!”

It is most suitable to be sent to a home for the blind
A businessman collected many paintings of abstract painters. Before he died, he wanted to donate these paintings to a group so as to leave a name for later generations.So he went to Bernard Shaw for advice.

After seeing these paintings, George Bernard Shaw said to the businessman, "I think it would be most appropriate to send them to an asylum for the blind."

again
One day, Bernard Shaw was looking through books that had been sold at reduced prices in a second-hand bookstore, and suddenly came across a collection of his plays, and under the title page of the book, there was an autographed gift from George Bernard Shaw to his friend. "The words.

He immediately bought the book, wrote "George Bernard Shaw once again presented" under the inscription, and then sent the book back to the friend.

liking is not the same as owning

Bernard Shaw loved flowers.A friend came to his residence and found that there were only a few decorative vases in his house, so he asked him: "I always thought you loved flowers, but I didn't expect you couldn't find a single flower in your house."

George Bernard Shaw immediately replied: "I like children too. But I don't cut off their heads and put them in a vase."

i just happened to know this

At a banquet, a man showed off his talents in front of George Bernard Shaw.Bernard Shaw listened politely for a long time, and finally couldn't stand it anymore, so he said: "My friend, with the two of us, everything in the world should be known."

"Not necessarily?" said the man.

"It seems to me that you know everything, but you just don't know that you're boring," replied Shaw, "because I just happen to know that."

add up three numbers
There is a lady over half a century old who spends a lot of time and energy dressing up every day, and seems to think that she will be much younger after this dressing up.On a chance occasion, she met Bernard Shaw and asked, "How old do you think I am?"

"Looking at your bright teeth, you look like 18 years old; looking at your fluffy curly hair, you are no more than 19 years old; looking at your squeamish waist and rouge-smeared face, you are at most 14 years old!" Bernard Shaw said solemnly.

The lady was flattered and extremely happy.He asked again, "Can you tell me exactly how old I am?"

"How old are you? It's easy, just add up the three numbers just mentioned, 18 plus 19, plus 14," Bernard Shaw jokingly said, "You should be 51 years old!"

This is the blessing of the sun

In February 1933, British playwright George Bernard Shaw traveled to China. Lu Xun, Cai Yuanpei and others gathered with him at Soong Ching Ling's home.After dinner, we went for a walk in the garden.

At this time, the soft sunlight shone on Shaw's silver whiskers, and Mr. Cai Yuanpei said to Bernard Shaw: "Xiao Weng, you are so lucky to see the sun in Shanghai."

After hearing this, Bernard Shaw smiled and said, "No, it's the sun's blessing to see Bernard Shaw in Shanghai."

greatest dramatist
Bernard Shaw often exposed the ugly face of capitalists in his plays, so he offended some rich people.Once, a capitalist wanted to humiliate George Bernard Shaw in public. He waved his hands and said loudly:
"People say the great dramatists are idiots."

Bernard Shaw smiled, and immediately responded: "Sir, I think you are the greatest dramatist."

you have to be careful
The great British writer George Bernard Shaw is a witty humorist. He is good at making jokes with people, but he is sometimes deceived.

Once, because of his admiration for George Bernard Shaw's name, the American Macdonald asked him to autograph a book, and the reward was one dollar per word.Bernard Shaw thought that the remuneration was not generous, and he had to write it himself, so he did not agree to it at the time.

A few days later, he received a letter from MacDonald, who claimed to be promoting a pill, and he wanted to use Bernard Shaw's own name as a trademark to make it more popular.

After receiving this letter, Bernard Shaw was very angry, thinking it was an insult to him, so he wrote a letter to refuse, saying: "... If you dare to use my name as a trademark, I will use the law to fight against you. You have to be careful..."

Who knows, after McDonald touched this nail, he was overjoyed.Because he had fulfilled his wish and got a scribbled signature from Bernard Shaw, he kept the original letter.

There are eight of you
Einstein ushered in a new era of scientific revolution and became a world-renowned scientific superstar in the 20th century, who was respected and praised by people. When Einstein visited England in 1921, he met Shaw, and Shaw said to him humorously, "There are eight of you!"

Einstein was puzzled and asked: "Which eight?" Bernard Shaw said: "Pythagoras, Ptolemy, Aristotle, Copernicus, Galileo, Kepler, Newton, Einstein!"

reward for not writing

In 1925, the Swedish Society elected Bernard Shaw as the winner of the Nobel Prize in Literature that year.

Xiao Weng wrote many works in his life, but he did not publish any works in 1925.So when he learned about the award, he replied humorously:
"That must be a reward for not writing anything this year!"

thought i was dead
On the day of George Bernard Shaw's 70th birthday, many British newspapers published his photo.After seeing it, he said humorously: "I came together in the morning to see so many newspapers with my picture, I thought I was dead!"

Socrates, right or wrong
one big one small two circles
A student of the ancient Greek philosopher Socrates once asked him: "Your knowledge is so profound, but why do you often doubt your own theories?"

So Socrates immediately drew two circles on the ground, one big and one small.And explained: "This big circle is equivalent to my knowledge, and this small circle is equivalent to your knowledge. Although my knowledge is several times that of yours, the part of ignorance outside my big circle is relatively larger, and your small circle is equivalent to your knowledge." The ignorance out there is relatively small, which is why I'm often confused."

Either way you will regret

A student asked Socrates: "Which is better, to be married or not to be married?"

Socrates said: "Those who have this kind of thinking will regret it if they choose any one."

double tuition
There was a young man who went to learn speech from Socrates.In order to show his eloquence, he talked a lot.Socrates asked him to pay double tuition fees.The young man asked in amazement: "Why should I double the amount?" Socrates said: "Because I have to teach you two lessons, one is how to learn to shut up, and the other is how to give a speech."

Learning depends on hard work
A young man said to Socrates: "I want to gain knowledge..."

Socrates didn't say anything, just took the young man to the sea.The sea drowned the young man.He struggled to stick his head out of the water, when Socrates asked him, "What is your greatest wish in the water?"

"Air, of course fresh air!"

"You have to use this energy to learn." Socrates said.

let's forget about it
Someone once asked Socrates: "Sir, have you ever heard that..." "Wait a minute, my friend," the great philosopher interrupted him at once, "are you sure that what you are about to tell me is all true? real?"

"That's not true, I just heard it."

"So that's the case, so don't tell me; unless it's a good thing, may I ask if the thing you're talking about is a good thing?"

"On the contrary."

"Oh, then perhaps it is necessary for me to know, so as not to injure others."

"Oh, that's not..."

"Well, then!" said Socrates at last, "let us forget about it! There are so many worthwhile things in life that we have no time for things that are neither true nor bad."

do you want me to sin
Socrates was sentenced to death by those in power for the crimes of spreading heresies, corrupting customs, and opposing democracy.Instead of hanging him or beheading him, those in power gave him a glass of hemlock, and let him die a dignified and painless death.

When he was about to be executed, a woman suddenly ran up to him and said sadly, "I'm so sad, you didn't commit any crime, but they are going to execute you."

"Silly lady," replied Socrates, "do you want me to commit a crime, and to die as a criminal is worth it?"

Picasso, the counterfeit

Counterfeit

A businessman specializing in selling art bought a painting with Picasso's name on it. He hurried to find Picasso, wanting to confirm whether the painting was authentic by Picasso.

Picasso glanced at the painting and said, "Fake!"

Soon, the businessman bought another Picasso painting to ask Picasso for identification, and asked him whether the painting was genuine or not. "Counterfeit!" Picasso replied. "But, sir," cried the businessman impatiently, "you drew this picture yourself not long ago, and I was there at that time!"

Picasso shrugged his shoulders and said with a helpless look: "I myself sometimes paint fakes."

The joys and sorrows of "avant-garde"
Picasso spent his long life in tireless and fearless exploration and progress, so some people call him the avant-garde of art.

The ups and downs of being an "avant-garde" are better known than Picasso himself.He said with deep feeling: "Avant-garde is attacked from behind much more than from the front."

Never as bad as they paint
Once, Picasso visited an exhibition of contemporary painters from all over the world in Paris.After the visit, the organizer asked him what impressions and thoughts he had.

Picasso replied without hesitation: "I don't think people in the world are as bad as they paint."

Floor plan

In 1917 Stravinsky visited Rome and Naples.During this trip, he met the great Spanish painter Picasso, and the two became close friends ever since.When returning to Switzerland, customs officers dug out a strange document from Stravinsky's suitcase.

"What's that painted on it?" the inspector asked Stravinsky.

"Picasso's portrait of me." "Impossible, it's a plan." "That's right! This is exactly the plan of my face," Stravinsky replied.

picasso style
In 1946, Picasso, who lived in the inland city of Vallauris in Cannes, France, found that the ceramic art industry in this place was in decline, so he was suddenly fascinated by this creative art that must be tested.He immersed himself in learning and creation with a fanatical passion, and quickly mastered the mysteries of manufacturing techniques. In less than two years, he created nearly two hundred works.

Like in painting, Picasso also showed the boldness and boldness of his artistic style in ceramic crafts.Picasso never tried to please anyone in ceramics, or was limited to a certain style. He said humorously: "Is there only one style for God?"

The realm of painting

Picasso often stood in front of the canvas for hours at a time, never sitting down to rest, not talking to others, and even forgetting to sleep and eat.A kind friend asked him in a concerned tone: "You work so hard, don't you feel too tired?"

Picasso smiled and said: "Whenever I paint, I only concentrate on it, as if my body is already outside the studio. Just like Muslims leave their shoes outside the door before entering the temple. Not only do they not feel tired, but they also feel extremely happy. .”

Edison, I haven't failed

God is often very mean

Edison, the famous American inventor, was often surrounded by reporters, and sometimes had to answer all kinds of extremely tricky and weird questions raised by them.

Once, someone asked Edison: "Do you need to install a lightning rod for a church under construction?" Edison replied: "It must be installed, because God is often very careless."

When a reporter asked him how he imagined God, Edison replied: "Things without weight, mass, and shape are unimaginable."

i didn't fail

When Edison was trying to make a battery, someone asked: "Why do you continue to do it when you fail again and again?" "Failure?" Edison replied, "I did not fail. Now my achievement is known. Fifty thousand ways to fail."

where can i go
Seeing that Edison was busy in the research room all day, Edison's wife was very distressed, so she advised him: "You have worked too hard, you should change to a place to rest." "Where should I go?" Edison asked. "Pick where you like to go." "Then I have to go to the research room."

designed door

Edison was famous for his inventions, but to the surprise of his friends, the door of his room was very difficult to open.Once, a friend said to Edison: "I really don't understand. A person as talented as you can't design a light and smart door? In order to push your door open, I almost used all my strength. Yes." Edison said with a smile: "My door is designed, and it is connected with a domestic pressurized water pump. Every person who enters the house can press up 20 kilograms of water to my cistern at a time! "

Tolstoy, you are too cruel
have all you love
Not long after Leo Tolstoy got married, another Russian writer, Sologub, came to visit him.Seeing Tolstoy everything was going well, Sologub was satisfied with everything that fate had given him.

"You are so happy! Mr. Tolstoy." Sorogub said to Tolstoy with great admiration, "you have everything you love."

"No, you are wrong, Mr. Sorogub," Tolstoy immediately corrected, "I don't own everything I love, but what I have is what I love."

you are so cruel

A friend complained about Tolstoy: "Why did you let the protagonist of the novel, Anna Karenina, commit suicide by lying on a train? You are too cruel!"

Tolstoy explained with a smile: "This opinion reminds me of something about Pushkin: he once said to a friend, 'Just think about it, Tatyana (Evgeny Onegin , the heroine of ", she was married. I never expected her to be like this." I can say the same about Anna Karenina. Generally speaking, we men and women I just don't like the kind of jokes the protagonist sometimes makes with me! They do what they are supposed to do in real life, and what is common in real life, and they don't look for people who want to."

always tell the truth

Although Tolstoy was born in an aristocratic family, he was able to strictly demand and restrain himself since his youth, consciously overcome the bad habits instilled in him by the aristocratic class, and established some "rules of life" for himself.Among them are: "Always tell the truth." "Be as useful as possible to your country." "Be a good person, and try to make yourself a good person." "Have a purpose in life: a lifelong goal, A goal for a period of time, a goal for a year, a goal for a month, a goal for a week, a goal for a day, a goal for an hour, a goal for a minute, and you have to sacrifice small goals for big goals.”

Dumas, you are crazy yourself

These hands are working hands
Once, at an election meeting in the province of Io, Dumas was interrupted by a rude shout: "You Marquis, you black!"

Alexandre Dumas grabbed the yeller's trouser legs, lifted him up, and said to him, "beg me for mercy, or I'll throw you into the river!" The yeller kept asking for mercy.

Alexandre Dumas said: "I just want to prove to you that my hands have written 20 novels and 400 scripts in the past 55 years. These hands are labor hands..."

buried two bailiffs
Alexandre Dumas often said: "except for those creditors, when anyone asks me for money, I will not refuse." Once, a court bailiff died, and his family asked him to fund the funeral expenses of 20 francs.Dumas was very generous. He said: "This is 40 francs. Take it and bury the two court bailiffs."

I didn't write hard
Alexandre Dumas lived to be 68 years old and claimed to have written 1 books in his later years.He wrote during the day and socialized and chatted with friends at night.Someone asked him: "After you write hard for a day, how can you still be energetic the next day?"

Alexandre Dumas replied: "I have never written hard."

"What's the matter?"

"Ask a plum tree how it bears fruit."

you are crazy

One day, the beloved puppy accidentally bit Dumas' finger, and Dumas had to use his left hand to continue writing.

The incident spread quickly, and there were even rumors that Dumas was critically ill!At this time, someone came to Dumas's house in a hurry and said: "Mr. Dumas, I like reading your novels very much, especially "Three Musketeers". Now I am collecting autographs of famous people, but I don't have yours. So , I beg you to sign one."

"Ah, I'm sorry, sir, my right finger was bitten by a puppy, and the handwriting on my left hand is very ugly..."

"I know that," the visitor rushed to say, "Your puppy is really crazy, and you are also very sick, so I came here specially. Otherwise, in a few days, I'm afraid it will be too late!"

When Alexandre Dumas heard this, he was very angry, and he said sternly to the visitor: "Sir, please pay attention, it is not my puppy who is crazy, but you are crazy! I don't want to see you, let alone do it for you. What kind of name should you sign? Go away!" The man had no choice but to leave in dismay.

different creative methods

(End of this chapter)