speak humor, be humorous

Chapter 46 Humorous talk (6)
■Sometimes even though it is a common or wrong opinion, it is difficult to be questioned. This is authority.

◎ The power of Conan Doyle

Once, Conan Doyle received a letter from Brazil, which said: "If possible, I would like to get a photo of your autograph, and I will put it in my room. In this way , not only can I see you every day, I firmly believe that if a thief comes in, they will definitely run away in fright when they see your photo."

■For people with bad intentions, many things that represent justice and wisdom can scare them. This is the so-called "evil can prevail over good".

◎ "Apologize" to the ignorant

The English poet Robert Browning wrote poetry endlessly and never got tired of it, but he hated any idle entertainment and gossip.At a social gathering, a gentleman asked him many questions about Browning's works without interest. Browning neither saw the value of the questions nor knew what his intentions were, so he felt very impatient. , decided to walk away.So he said to the man very politely: "Excuse me, dear sir, I have monopolized so much of your time."

■For different people, the value of time is different, wasting other people's time is tantamount to murdering one's fortune.

◎ Low yield and high yield

The ancient Greek tragedian Euripides once admitted that it sometimes took three days to write three lines of poetry.An imbecile poet who was talking to him exclaimed in surprise: "In such a long time, I can write a hundred lines of poetry!"

"I fully believe it," replied Euripides, "but they only last three days."

■Classics are the crystallization of wisdom, and the vitality of art is directly proportional to the painstaking efforts.

◎ The purpose of taking pictures

In the 20s, the Hungarian playwright Ferenc Molnar lived in a hotel in Vienna.One day a large group of his relatives came to visit him and wanted to share a little of the playwright's great success.In advance, they estimated that they might receive a cold reception, so they were mentally prepared.But, to their surprise, Molnar greeted them warmly and even insisted that everyone sit down and take a group photo together.After the photo was developed, Molnar handed the photo to the doorman of the hotel and said: "Whenever you see anyone in the photo who wants to enter the hotel, don't let him in."

■The people who think of you only when you are successful, and those who hope to share a share with you, probably don't have any good intentions. For such people, it is best to shut them out quietly.

◎ Turn defense into offense
Dante was so lost in thought while attending a teaching ceremony that he forgot to kneel when he lifted the sacrament.Several of his opponents immediately ran to the bishop to complain, saying that Dante had deliberately blasphemed, and demanded severe punishment.In the Middle Ages of religious rule, this crime is not a small one, not to mention that he is an anti-pope.Dante was brought to the bishop, and after hearing the charge, he pleaded: "My lord bishop, I think they are slandering. If those who accuse me turn their eyes and hearts toward God, as I do, they will There was no looking around. They were clearly absent-minded throughout the ceremony."

■When attacking or accusing others, a person will often reveal his sinister intentions.

◎ Bachelor Stone

Shi Manqing, a poet, is slutty, humorous and likes to drink.Once, when he was visiting Baoguo Temple on a horse, the person leading the horse was careless for a moment, the horse lost control and frightened away, and he fell to the ground accidentally.The attendants quickly helped him up and put him on the horse.When the passers-by saw him, they all came to watch, thinking that he would lose his temper and scold the horse-leader.Unexpectedly, Shi Manqing waved the whip slowly, and half-jokingly said to the horseman: "Fortunately, I am a bachelor Shi. If I were a student of Wa, wouldn't I have been smashed to pieces?"

■Since some things have already happened, no matter how much you care about them, it will not help. It is better to be more tolerant, just a joke, not only let yourself get rid of the embarrassment, but also avoid the guilt and embarrassment of others.Of course, when it comes to matters of principle, this must not be the case.

◎ Who can test me

Someone asked the American university student Guttrich why such a great scholar never obtained a doctorate.He replied: "Who can test me? My dear sir!"

■ Only secular people always look at everything and everyone with a worldly perspective.That's one of the reasons they can't be great.

◎ typo

As soon as the lights in the movie theater went out, a thief put his hand into Rega's pocket, and Rega found out immediately.The thief said: "I want to take out a handkerchief, but I made a mistake, please forgive me!"

"It doesn't matter." Rhaegar replied calmly.After a while, with a "snap", the thief received a heavy slap on the face.

"I'm sorry, I made a typo, a mosquito landed on my face," Rhaegar said.

■For villains, you must never give in or give in. The more you give in, the more they will push forward.

◎ Bet on healing
"I don't understand what the hell is going on in this hospital," Carlsson said. "While I was lying here, one doctor said I had appendicitis, while another doctor was convinced I had gallstones."

"Then how did it all end?"

"They bet heads and tails of a coin and ended up cutting out my tonsils."

■Sometimes, what we think is formal and rigorous is not as responsible as we think.The only reason is the loss of professional ethics.Faced with the choice of our life safety, what we have to do is to be careful and careful.

◎ Squeeze a lemon

Bobby Baker is the strongman of Bob's circus, his performance is very popular with the audience, a very thick iron rod, he just flipped it lightly with his hand, just like people breaking a sugarcane lightly .Then, amidst the roar of applause, Bobby offered the audience his famous £50 reward: "Do you see this lemon? Everyone can squeeze the juice out of it. Now I'll squeeze the juice out of it." Squeeze the juice out of the lemons, and I'll give a hundred pounds to anyone who can squeeze out a drop of juice from the lemons I've squeezed." Three or four strong men came up to try, but they all failed.One night, a small man in his fifties walked into the show to try his luck, and the crowd roared with laughter.Amazingly, however, the little man squeezed the juice out of a lemon that Bobby the Hercules had squeezed, and squeezed almost a tablespoon of it!Bobby couldn't help exclaiming: "Sir, you're very good! What's your business?"

The little man let out an "ah" and said, "Tax collector."

■Taxation is the foundation of a country, and rich countries carry out social transfers through high taxes and high benefits.It is precisely because there are so many tax evaders that there are such tax officials.

◎ Conceal age

A wealthy bachelor of about sixty falls in love with a much younger woman.He went to consult Voltaire. "I want to marry her, but I am afraid that if I tell her my real age, she will be disappointed and refuse to marry me. So I want to tell her that I am only 60 years old." "That can't be done!" Voltaire Replied, "You should tell her you're 50 years old."

■Lies cannot be tolerated in love. How meaningful is it to pursue love with lies?Voltaire's irony speaks directly to the essence of love.

◎ What is a gentleman

Franklin's servant was a black man, he asked Franklin: "master, what is a gentleman?" After a while, the servant ran to Franklin and said, "Master, I now know what a gentleman is. People are working, horses are working, and cows are working. Only pigs know how to eat and sleep. Don't do it. A pig is a gentleman, no doubt about it."

■There are some people who consider themselves "gentlemen" in life, but they are well-dressed and dignified on the surface, but in fact they are real parasites. Such people are worthless to society.But it's strange why people are always confused by his smooth appearance?

◎ The Lord's Injury
An English lord, with a scrape and a slight wound, sent for the eminent surgeon, Samuel Sharpe.After Sharp examined the "patient", he immediately ordered the Lord's servant to rush to the pharmacy to get the medicine.The lord turned pale with fright when he heard the hasty order.He asked the surgeon nervously, "Does my wound look dangerous?"

"Yes, if your servant doesn't run as soon as possible, then I'm afraid..."

"What accident will happen?"

"I fear that your wounds will be healed before he returns."

■Since Zhao Benshan's TV series "Liu Laogen" hit the air, the word "Deser" has spread all over the streets and alleys immediately. "Desperate" people are afraid that they will not be noticed, and that others will ignore their own existence, so they start to make troubles and stir up troubles because of some trivial things.

◎ High technology
Gorbachev visited the United States, and Reagan invited him to enjoy the latest technological achievements in the United States: a fully automatic ultra-comfortable toilet.After using it, Gorbachev admired it from the bottom of his heart, and made up his mind: our country should also develop it.After returning to China, a research department was established and progressed smoothly.However, when Reagan visited the Soviet Union suddenly, Gorbachev was caught off guard. He held an emergency meeting and issued a military order to the research department: it must be produced in three days.Three days later, the newspaper said: Yes.Gorbachev then had a meeting with Reagan. After not seeing Reagan for a long time, he wanted to have a bowel movement, so he put crotons in a coffee cup and gave Reagan a drink. Finally, Reagan went to the toilet.

Reagan sat on the toilet. After finishing the work, he felt really comfortable and satisfied. He thought to himself, the Soviet Union is really powerful, and it has developed such a comfortable toilet in such a short time.No, I have to study it carefully to provide first-hand information for the development of our country.So, Reagan lifted the toilet lid again, turned the button, and saw a hand stretched out from under the toilet, and wiped Reagan's face carefully.

■Countries with backward technology can only be replaced by manpower.On the surface, it may have the same effect as technology, but in fact it cannot achieve the goal of liberating human resources through technological progress.

◎ An imaginary line
Once, the German statesman Walter Ulbricht (1893-1973), in order to boast of the prosperity of his country, made a lot of noise and said: "An unprecedented peace and prosperity has appeared on the horizon."

"Excellent!" echoed his assistant, "but is the unprecedented peace and prosperity really on the horizon?"

"Without a doubt," Ulbricht said, "you know what the dictionary says about 'horizon'? An imaginary line that recedes as you approach it."

■Baggers always use ambiguity and ambiguity to disguise their exaggeration.

◎ Observe sleeping sickness
There is a kind of sleeping sickness in Africa. After people get it, they will be drowsy and unconscious all day long until they die.German microbiologist Robert Koch once made a special trip to Africa to study the disease.After returning home, he was invited to the Congress to wait for the audience of senior officials.When Koch was waiting for the interview, the meeting of the National Budget Committee was being held in the hall. He saw many stupid representatives snoring and sleeping during the meeting, so he couldn't help but sneered and said: "I think that I am in the African state inspection team. There is no need to go through all this trouble. I can get a wealth of material for the study of sleeping sickness in Germany, just by observing the behavior of the many delegates at the State Budget Committee."

■Bloated institutions and incompetent officials are also a kind of pathological behavior, which leads to the death of the social body.But it's not as obvious as a common disease.

◎ Greater Glory
Diogenes was a famous satirical philosopher in ancient Greece.One day, he came to Plato's home.He never wore shoes, and his feet were dirty, so he walked up and down on Plato's carpet, and said: "I am trampling on what Plato is proud of." Plato said: "It is true, but I got Greater glory."

■It is wise to dare to satirize glory, but even more clever to accept the satire of glory frankly.

◎ Definitely miss

A satirical philosopher saw an unskilled man shooting an arrow, and he sat on the target."It's the safest place, he can't shoot me," he said.

■Powerful irony is best expressed with actions, but it requires the participation of courage and wisdom at the same time.

◎ The most beautiful breathing

Sophie Arnold, the most famous opera singer of the 18th century, can no longer use her voice freely.Nevertheless, her charming demeanor and charming figure on the stage still attract a large number of audiences.

Once, after the Italian economist Galliani (1728-1787) attended her concert, she asked the audience, who was also quite authoritative in music appreciation, how was her singing?"It's the most beautiful pant I've ever heard in my life," Galliani said.

■"Talented people emerge from generation to generation, and new generations replace old ones." Metabolism is the natural law of the biological world, and weeding out the old to bring forth the new is the law of human evolution. "Daily restoration", this sentence in "Book of Changes" expresses exactly this truth.I no longer have the capital to be popular, so why do I still "put my head up and show off" in an attempt to block people who come after me?
(End of this chapter)