speak humor, be humorous

Chapter 9 The Ability of Humor (2)
◎ The lady who loves to look young

A lady is old and her face is wrinkled, but she always wants to say she is younger."You know what? My sister and I are 60 years old," she once said to a new friend.

"Ah, yo," my friend exclaimed, "can you be at ease leaving such a small girl at home?"

■As the saying goes, "to cover up the truth", it is often more difficult to let people ignore the fact that you do not want to accept than to deliberately cover up.

◎ Think twice before acting

A large wooden sign stands on a large truck that shows off its might and reads: "This truck has collided with other trucks 17 times, 15 times with big wins, [-] draw, and only [-] loss. Vehicles should think twice before hitting me !"

■Before you act, all you want to think about is yourself, not others.If all people could take care of themselves, the world would be fine.

◎ Eat after measuring

Kobayashi went to the zoo to feed the monkeys, and he found that the monkeys would stuff the peanuts thrown into their buttholes every time, and then take them out to eat.Kobayashi asked the administrator curiously, why did this monkey behave like this?The administrator replied: "Because someone threw a big peach to it last year, and it suffered a lot in order to excrete the core of the big peach, so now it must measure the food before eating."

■The so-called "Once bitten by a snake, ten years afraid of well ropes" is probably like this, monkeys can still be like this, why do some of us make mistakes repeatedly in the same place.

◎ Push and pull doors

There was a young man who dreamed of trying his best to push a door that could not be opened for dozens of nights, and was depressed during the day, and then consulted a psychologist to get advice: next time, stop for a while and take a look at the surrounding situation .Later, he dreamed of this situation again. When he paused to look at it, he saw a sign on the side of the door saying "pull", so he gently opened the door and entered.

■Analyze the problem from the overall situation, think and then act.

◎ make a wish
Mark always fails his exams.

Dad said to him: "Good boy, from next semester, you will work harder in your studies, and if you pass the grade, I will buy you a car."

The second semester is over, and Mark is still failing.Dad is furious!
"Useless stuff, what did you do this semester?"

"I went to learn to drive a car."

■Things should always have a priority, as part of the premise has not been realized, there is no way to talk about the latter.

◎ humble

An official went to visit his sick boss.The patient sighed heavily and said, "We are both old and often sick. Which one of us will leave this world first?" The official who is known for his modesty replied respectfully, "Of course." You, it's you."

■When you hope to win more with a certain "quality", be careful, because an inadvertent can make you lose everything.

◎ Honest clerk

Harlow works as a clerk in a store.On the second day of work, an old clerk told him to take out the garbage in plastic bags and throw it away, but he didn't move.The boss asked him why he didn't listen to the old clerk, and Harlow said: "If I listened to him, I would go against your word. You said to me yesterday: 'You must be very honest when you are in my shop, and you must never Go out and get something from the shop.'”

■ Rigid compliance should be unflattering, even in the eyes of those who set the rules.

◎ One more step

A Spartan complained to his mother that his sword was too short.The mother replied: "Son, if you take a step forward, your sword will grow?"

■Subjective efforts are the best compensation for objective deficiencies, and you must know that complaints cannot solve any problems.

◎ reason
Some gentlemen were drinking in a tavern, and having nothing to do after drinking, someone suggested gambling.A gentleman stood up and said, "I have 14 reasons against gambling." They asked him what the reasons were, and he said, "Number one, I don't have any money..." The person who made the proposal immediately interrupted him, saying: "If your brother has 400 reasons, there is no need to say the second one."

■Once the decisive preconditions are removed, the matter is out of the question.

◎ tooth extraction
The dentist said to the patient: "Don't be afraid, come here, drink a glass of wine to calm down." After the patient drank the wine, after a while, the doctor asked: "How do you feel now?" "See who dares to pull out my tooth?" ?” The patient said to the doctor fiercely with red eyes.

■A cause in our eyes often produces another effect contrary to our original intention.Things that backfired were never expected at the beginning.And what we can do is to be more thoughtful and more thoughtful.

◎ This is what I want
The general noticed that a soldier was behaving strangely: he would always pick up a used piece of paper, look at it, and throw it aside, muttering, "No, that's not what I wanted!"

The general ordered the psychiatrist to treat the soldiers.After the examination, the psychiatrist wrote: This person has a mental disorder and is not suitable for serving as a soldier.The soldier picked up the medical certificate and said happily, "That's right, this is what I want!"

■ There is a "reasonable avoidance principle" in economics.When we want to reject things or want to achieve our own goals, it is often better to use the rules to implement subtly than to directly confront.

◎ The story of swimming

Two men went swimming together. They were afraid of accidents, so they asked a child who was fishing next to him:

"Are there any sharks in this water?"

The child said seriously: "No, absolutely not!"

As soon as the words fell, the two had already jumped into the water.At this time, the child said seriously: "There are no sharks here, but there are crocodiles!"

■The understanding and judgment of complex things, the handling and prevention of emergencies, must not just talk about the facts, otherwise you will encounter new problems.

◎ Enthusiasm
"Get rid of the blues," the psychiatrist tells the patient, "fill your daily life with enthusiasm, wake up, go to work with enthusiasm... in short, do everything with enthusiasm."

The patient came back a week later, looking more depressed than ever, and the doctor asked him if he had done as directed.

"That's exactly the problem," the patient replied, "I got up, ate, and kissed my wife goodbye with such enthusiasm that I was two hours late for work and got fired."

■"Too much is not enough", the story tells us that everything we do must be balanced and not extreme.

◎ What is one plus one equal to?

A bank was recruiting an accountant officer. During the interview, there was only one very simple question: What is one plus one?All those who rushed to answer were not hired.Only one silent candidate was selected.It turned out that after the crowd dispersed, he closed the door and window of the room, put his mouth next to the manager's ear and asked, "How much do you think it should be?"

As a result, this person was admitted.

■Those who deal with major events must carefully observe deeply; those who are humorous may succeed in places that those who deal with serious affairs have never thought of.

◎ robbery
At two o'clock in the middle of the night, at the end of a quiet street.

"Excuse me, maybe you can tell me if there are any police here?"

"No, there's no police here." "So, is there a policeman who can be found around here quickly?"

"I don't think there will be any police." "Well, then, please give me your watch and your money."

■Simple is not a term we are proud of.It's more complicated, it's not trying to be mysterious, maybe it's just to protect yourself.

◎ Door and window repair

Several workers from the housing repair team came to repair the doors and windows of the manager's dormitory.an hour later.They call the manager:
"Boss, the doors and windows have been painted. Are the door and window frames still to be painted?"

■It is not only the hands that do things, but also the participation of the mind.

◎ late
There was a long line of cars parked in front of the railroad poles.The watchman poked his head out of the window of the railway shed and said to everyone:
"Please wait patiently. I have just been notified that the train is 40 minutes late."

■Everything is not fixed, only adaptability will work.

◎ Who is bored

A: "There are such boring people in the world..."

B: "Why do you say that?"

A: "There was a man who started fishing at eight o'clock in the morning and didn't catch a single fish until four o'clock in the afternoon... Are you saying it's boring?"

B: "It's really boring...but how do you know?"

A: "Because I have seen him go from the beginning."

■Only those who really have nothing to do can find other people's doing nothing.

◎ Nude painting

A lady went to an art dealer to buy a figure painting.She picks and chooses, always dissatisfied.She said to the art dealer: "Why are all the women painted by the painter naked?"

The art dealer said: "It is inconvenient to wear clothes, because after a few months, this style of clothing may not be popular."

■"Constant response to all changes" is a timeless rule, especially in the face of ignorant people.

◎ Self-defeating
At the dinner party, John's female secretary got drunk, so John had to drive her home.After returning home, John was afraid that his wife would not understand, so he didn't tell his wife about it.

The next afternoon, John was driving his wife to watch a movie. Suddenly, he found a woman's leather shoe by his wife's feet. He picked up the shoe and threw it out of the window while his wife was looking out of the car window. relieved.Unexpectedly, at this time the wife turned her head, touched John with her foot, and asked, "John, have you seen my other shoe?"

■There are no ghosts in the world. If there are ghosts, they are in your heart.

◎ No unemployment
One person put it this way: "If you put all the men on one island and all the women on another island, the unemployment problem would be solved." "Why?" "Because everyone is busy building ships and there is no One will be free."

■The motivation of people to do things is more derived from the strong desire in the subconscious, and being good at using one's reasonable desire will make you full of confidence and hope at all times.

◎ Regardless of dynasty
Son: "Father, who will win when Zhang Fei and Yue Fei compete?"

Dad: "Of course it's Zhang Fei."

Mom: "Zhang Fei and Yue Fei are not in the same dynasty, how can they fight?"

Brother: "Hey, what dynasty are we talking about when we fight!"

■Theoretically, we can have unlimited freedom of imagination; but reality always constrains fantasy—so, it is understandable to use fantasy as a kind of meaningless comfort.However, we will always live in the real world that is within reach!

◎ eat with left hand
One day, Zhicong carpenter worked for the rich man's house.When eating, the rich man wanted to play tricks on him by placing the chopsticks on the left side of the bowl on purpose.Carpenter Zhi Cong ate with chopsticks in his left hand, and ate very slowly. Most of the day passed, and he was still sitting on the mat.The rich man is in a hurry.Carpenter Zhi Cong smiled and said, "Master, I'm sorry, my master never taught me to eat with my left hand."

■"Smartness is mistaken by cleverness".People who love to play tricks often end up dumb.Conversely, the best and most powerful way to deal with a person who loves to play tricks is not to expose him, but to use his tricks.

◎ Same age next year
The grocer has a new daughter.One day, a friend came to match his little daughter, who was only one year older than the girl.

The businessman and his wife discussed the marriage in private. He said: "The daughter just turned one year old, and the boy is already two years old, twice as big as the daughter. When the daughter gets married at the age of 20, he will be 40 years old. How can we Do you have the heart to let your daughter marry such an old man?"

His wife smiled and said, "You are so stupid! Now our daughter is one year old, won't she be the same age as that boy next year?"

■"Looking horizontally, you can see mountains and peaks on the other side, with different distances and heights." Try to consider the problem from multiple angles, otherwise, you will never know the truth of the matter.

◎ What I burn is waste paper
Xiao Wang put the written manuscript on the table and went out to handle errands.When I came home at noon, I found that the table had been cleaned up, but the stack of manuscripts had disappeared.When he smelled a puff of smoke, he hurriedly asked his wife, "What are you burning?"

The wife replied: "Do you think I am so stupid that I will burn the unused paper? What I burn are those waste papers that have been written on."

■Everyone wants to be a smart person, even if they often have a little knowledge, even if they think they are smart.However, in many cases, real wisdom is not careful calculation, but discovering and admitting one's ignorance!

◎ The wit of the wolf
The drug dealer Shijie is a profiteer. People always ridicule him, saying that he eats people and drinks blood.

One day when he was returning home from a business trip, he passed a dark mountain road, when suddenly a big wolf jumped out of the forest and rushed towards him, intending to bite his throat.

"Don't eat me, my meat tastes bad!"

wolf said:

"It doesn't taste good? People say you eat people all the time, so it must taste good!"

■Even if you don't want to be a very kind person, you have to leave a way out for yourself, knowing that one day the way you treat others is the way you are treated.

◎ Golden mouth is hard to open
The 13th President of the United States, John Calvin Coolidge, was known for his reticence and was often referred to as "Silent Cal."Alice Roosevelt Longworth once said that Coolidge "looked like he'd been fished out of salt water."Because of President Coolidge's reticence, many people always took the honor of saying a few words with him.

At a banquet, a lady sitting next to Coolidge tried every means to make Coolidge talk to her more.She said: "Mr. Coolidge, I made a bet with others: I will be able to draw more than three words from your mouth." "You lost!" Coolidge said.

■No matter where you go, please keep your true colors, because only true colors can give people memories.

◎ Oppose to the end
When Fulton first demonstrated his steamboat publicly, no one believed it could move.The people on both sides of the strait continued to clamor and say: "I can't move, I can't move, I can't move!" Unexpectedly, the boat started all of a sudden, and moved forward with steam and humming.After watching for a while with tongue-tied eyes, the crowd changed their tune and said, "It can't be stopped, it can't be stopped, it can't be stopped, absolutely!"

■People should stick to their own thoughts and behaviors. Sometimes, bystanders are more of a joke.

◎ Crazy and idiot

A professor of psychology visited the asylum to learn about the living conditions of the madman.At the end of the day, he felt that these people were crazy, and they acted unexpectedly, which was an eye-opener.

Unexpectedly, when he was about to return, he found that his tire had been removed. "Some lunatic must have done it!" The professor thought angrily, taking the spare tire and preparing to install it.

Things are serious.The person who unloaded the tire actually removed all the screws.There are no screws, and the spare tire can't be installed!
The professor was at a loss.When he was extremely anxious, a lunatic came bouncing over, singing an unknown joyful song.He spots the professor in distress, stops to ask what happened.

The professor didn't bother to talk to him, but told him out of politeness.

The lunatic laughed and said: "I have a way!" He removed a screw from each tire, so he got three screws to install the spare tire.

The professor was surprised and grateful, and was very curious: "How did you come up with this method?"

The lunatic laughed and said, "I'm a lunatic, but I'm not an idiot!"

(End of this chapter)