I heard that you are always alone

Chapter 13

In the middle of the night, I leaned on his shoulder and was firmly trapped in his arms. He stretched out his hand to scratch his cheek from time to time, and I smiled: "Is it my hair, itching for you?"

"Yeah." He replied softly.

"Then I'll get up." As I said that, I poked my head out, preparing to keep a little distance from him.

"Don't!" He quickly grabbed my head again and put it straight on him.

"Look, my hair will itch you!" I actually started acting like a baby.

"Then I want you to lie on me," he stroked my hair, "I want to truly feel your presence."

In this way, I smiled, and he said, but there was a hole in my heart, no matter how much affectionate words were said, it would never be able to fill it.

However, just want to indulge in this way, every moment counts as a moment.

The next day, I still didn't dare to turn on the phone. I knew that as soon as I turned it on, Ou Yao would bombard me, and even hurt the man in front of me again—the man who didn't have the strength to fight against him.

I sat in front of the dressing table, patted lotion on my face, and asked casually, "How are you and Mu Linxi?"

His frowning face was reflected in the mirror, and there was displeasure in his tone: "We broke up."

"Is it completely divided? Does your heart hurt?"

He came over and held my shoulder, "Do you have to be so sharp?"

"No, I'll just ask."

I started to apply lotion, quarantined, and looked at my face in the mirror, which was gradually getting better. I sighed: "Look, no matter how you dress up, how many layers of powder you put on, they are not as beautiful as her naturally beautiful face."

"Jiuyue, you are so confident, it's not like you."

"I used to be very confident. I never thought that any good-looking woman would have love, but from you, my self-confidence has disappeared a little bit. I feel more and more that I am not good enough. No matter how hard I try, I am not good enough." not good enough."

"What do you want me to say to know how good you are?"

I shook my head helplessly, maybe it was a demon in my heart, it couldn't be cured.

"Jiuyue, let's go back," he suddenly sat next to me, and I smelled the fresh smell of tobacco on his body, he said, "Let's go back to Beijing, whether my family supports us or not, I will insist on being with you , even if I have nothing, as long as you don't dislike it."

"What if I dislike it?" I raised my eyebrows and asked him back.

He looked me in the eyes calmly, "I know you won't."

"You believe me that much?"

"Yes, I just believe in you. Please don't use those fearless pasts to hurt yourself again. You don't know how good you are, but in my heart, no one can replace you."

I turned around and put my hands on his face, "Okay, I promise you, I won't make such comparisons in the future, I won't embarrass you and I won't be depressed anymore."

"Well, I like that independent and unrestrained Jiuyue."

"But, let's not go back to Beijing, okay? I like it here, and I want to play for a few more days."

"Okay," he said, "it doesn't matter how long you want to play, a month, a year, I will stay here with you for the rest of your life."

So I smiled reassuringly and stuffed my phone into my bag. I knew very well that my childishness came back, and I started to be self-willed again, enjoying what I wanted regardless of the consequences.

It’s just, Shi Beicheng, I’ll just borrow you for a few days, let me be with you well in the end, let me remember every expression of yours, every sweet word you only said to me.

Then hold these memories and live a warm life.

We went to the playground, just like a couple in love. I stopped in front of the roadside stall, put all kinds of accessories on my hair, and asked him if they looked good. He said they looked good and took them. The camera took a picture of me, and then I took the camera to see the smiling eyebrows, as if I hadn't seen it for a long time.

We took the cable car for two people, wandering in mid-air, I leaned on his shoulder, the couple in front turned around and waved to us, he also smiled and waved to them like a child while shouting hello, that expression , I couldn’t help but lose my mind when I saw it, and I didn’t know what to say when my mind was agitated. It seemed that I had no words to express my joy and melancholy at this moment.

I'm afraid that our happiness is too short. If we have a lifetime, we can love each other and complain about each other for decades, but why can I only love you for a few days?
After getting off the cable car, suddenly there was a singing voice, his eyes were as clear as water, as clear as a lake, and his voice was as cool as the early autumn wind: "Listen."

I replied in a low voice, "Yes, I heard you."

It is a song from a familiar Korean drama. From a distance, it turned out that there was a singer performing live. Many people walked over to watch, and he and I stopped here. His hand held mine, and my hands were in the sun. She was so pale that she was almost transparent, and when she raised her face to look at him, her eyes became blurred, and she felt dizzy for a moment.

"Jiuyue."

"Ok?"

"I've always wanted to ask you," he said, his voice as soft as the wind, "do you really love me? How much?"

"I……"

"Forget it, don't say it." He interrupted me suddenly, "That's it, it's good, no matter what, I just hope that you don't abandon me before I don't love you."

Looking at his terrified expression, I suddenly felt that this is not the domineering Shi Beicheng who only quarreled with me back then. He has changed a lot in the two years I have known him.

"Actually, I'm still very selfish, aren't I?"

"Yes, you are more selfish than anyone else!" As I said, I took a cigarette out of my pocket, and when I was about to light it, he stopped me.

"Stop smoking."

"why?"

"not good for health."

"Then you smoke too."

"It doesn't matter to me, you still want to have a child, you want to have a child that belongs to us."

Hearing the word "children", my heart throbbed unconsciously, but then I smiled lightly, shook the cigarette in my hand twice, and said, "Okay, let me finish this one."

"Although I drink and smoke, I don't want my women to drink and smoke too," he said.

"Why are you so overbearing?"

"I'm not overbearing. It's like you put on powder and put on makeup, but you don't want your man to wear powder and put on makeup too."

"What kind of logic is this?" I was completely defeated by him, and such a metaphor can be said.

"I don't care, anyway, you will drink less and smoke less in the future." He simply played foolishly.

"I can't change the habit of so many years." I looked at him seriously, "I have lived this life since I was still in Milan. If I don't have cigarettes and alcohol to accompany me when I am sad, I don't know how to fall asleep. "

"With me," he said, "I won't make you sad in the future."

He spoke so sincerely, but I knew that in the future, I would only drink more and smoke poorer, because there would never be him in my future life.

In the evening, we sat on the side of the road to eat food stalls. Korean snacks and barbecue are very special, and everyone sits in the open air and drinks soju. This reminds me of the small alleys in Beijing. My parents were like that when I was young. I often take me to eat skewers. Dad will drink a few bottles of beer. He always asks my mother to drink a little too. Then I sit next to them and look at them. I say I want it too, and my dad always laughs. , Said that you can drink it naturally when you grow up, but you are not allowed now.

And these memories have been so long that I can't tell whether they really existed in the past or are illusions in my dreams.

"What are you thinking?" Seeing me lost in thought, he couldn't help being curious.

"Miss my dad."

He grabbed my hand and clenched it tightly, "Did you take him to the best doctor all these years?"

I shook my head, "I am such an unfilial daughter. After all these years, I have done nothing for him. I resent my mother all day long. In fact, there is no difference between me and my mother. We all abandoned him, didn't we?" ?”

"Don't blame yourself," he said. "When we go back, I will take you to the United States to find the best treatment plan. I believe your dad can still regain consciousness."

"Really?" My eyes suddenly lit up, which I never imagined.

"real."

I raised my glass and looked at him excitedly, "Just, for my dad, let's toast!"

At the end of the day, I still drank too much, and I asked him to carry me on my back, and he actually carried me for three stops, all the way back to the hotel where we stayed.

As soon as he entered the room, he put me on the bed. I picked up the quilt and wanted to have a good sleep, but he rushed back immediately when he was about to leave, and whispered in my ear: "Don't sleep, I'm going to take a shower."

"Hmm." I replied confusedly.

Only then did he enter the bathroom with peace of mind. As a result, I was already sound asleep when I came back.

The next morning, before I woke up, I vaguely felt a tickle on my face. I subconsciously stretched out my hand to grab it, but I heard an "ah". I quickly opened my eyes and found that he was right next to me. In front of me, the stubble on my chin was rubbing against the tip of my nose, with a strong aroma of wine.

"Did you not sleep yet?"

"I miss you, but I dare not disturb you, how can I sleep." He said angrily.

Thinking of what he said before taking a bath last night, I suddenly realized.

"Then..." I lowered my head in shame, "You can wake me up."

"You sleep so soundly, I can't bear it."

Unable to suppress the sense of happiness welling up in my heart, I smiled and said, "Then drink! I've already drank so much, and I still drink!" I pointed to the foreign wine bottle on the bedside table.

"You're going to be a housekeeper now!"

"Smelly, I'm too lazy to care about you." I pushed him away, but he hugged him back, and the two of us were rolled into the soft quilt at the same time.

This time, I took the initiative abnormally, and he was a little ecstatic, grabbed my hand and said, "You look like a sexy kitten."

"Are kittens sexy?" I asked him, turning over and pinning him down.

"Ah ah ah ah bullying husband!" He shouted.

I laughed wildly.

That morning, the beauty went deep into my bones.

I'm like an elopement girl, enjoying a short-lived pleasure.

During that time, less than a month, I was with Shi Beicheng every day. We had no acquaintances or friends. In this strange country, we ate, drank and had fun every day. During those days, my playmate was only him. I'm the only one with me.

I have no sisters, and he has no entertainment.

I often comfort myself when I am down, so that it is best, at the most beautiful moment, we end in time, so that there will be no indifference and betrayal in the future, and no despair of being hurt by love again.

Perhaps, two people will get bored and feel lonely after being together for a long time.

So, I told myself, this is the best way, to love each other the most in the shortest time, so that he will always remember that I once appeared in his life.

During those nights, I started to suffer from insomnia and nightmares. I dreamed that Ou Yao brought the police to arrest him. His red eyes were fixed on me, and his voice seemed to come from outer space. He said: "Little Yue, I'm not afraid of going to jail, I'm not afraid of death, I'm afraid of not being able to be with you anymore."

Then there was Ou Yao's sneer in my ear, I struggled and cried, I said Ou Yao, you let him go, I will marry you.

However, every time he wakes up, he sleeps soundly next to me. A few times, he was awakened by my restlessness, patted my face lightly, and whispered my name.

I woke up, turned on the lamp by the bed, sat up and drank water.

He lit a cigarette and said in a low voice, "You called Ou Yao by name just now."

I froze for a moment, then became extremely calm, not letting him see the panic in my heart, I said, "Really?"

"Well, you..." He thought for a while, and finally asked, "Will you also dream of me and call my name when you're by his side?"

I tried my best to suppress my urge to explain, just sighed, pressed my face tightly against his chest, and could feel his warm heartbeat: "You said you believed me."

He pampered my head fondly, but the whole person was quiet and motionless.

I stared at him seriously, there was a faint light in the darkness, he looked so good under the dim light that it made me dizzy.

I felt that my eyes were a little blurry, and finally I couldn't help it. Tears rolled in my eye sockets. I pretended not to notice, and hurriedly raised my hand to rub my eyes.

"You are like a poison." He said, his voice was as soft as a ghost, and it seemed very empty in this lonely night.

I didn't speak, I still looked at his soft eyebrows quietly.

Later, when the wind blew up outside, he helped me cover the quilt, kissed my forehead, and said, "Go to sleep."

I shrank into the bed, closed my eyes, endured the faint throbbing pain in my heart, and gradually fell asleep.

It has been raining in Seoul for the next few days. Seeing that winter is coming, the temperature is extremely low, and I still feel cold from the bottom of my heart wearing a coat.

Standing by the door and looking at the calendar on the wall, the time passed day by day, I thought desperately, the happiness I borrowed from him must be repaid after all.

We don't have such a deep fate, so why bother to have such a deep relationship.I didn't bring anything, I only took the backpack that I carried with me, and the mobile phone that I hadn't opened for a long time. When he was still sleeping soundly, I wrapped my heavy coat and took a taxi to Incheon Airport.

When I left, I didn’t even look back, because I knew that being sad couldn’t change anything, so it’s better to face my choice honestly, although it’s so painful to give up something that I don’t want to give up in the whole world, But I didn't feel too sad except that I felt some sadness similar to that in Korean dramas.

It's just that my mind is so strange that I can't concentrate on thinking about one thing many times.

I was sitting in the waiting hall, just like I was sitting in the Vienna airport not long ago. At that time, I naively thought that I would be able to return to Shi Beicheng's side immediately, and I was uneasy because of this.

And now, I'm leaving him for another man.

Before boarding the plane, I turned on my phone.There were none of the bombarding text messages I thought, only two from my stepfather.

One is: Jiuyue where are you?Why don't you answer the phone all the time, go home quickly, something happened.

The other one is: your father has passed away, your mother is in the hospital, see back soon.

In an instant, the sky exploded.

I didn't have time to react, I just felt that my brain was dull and I couldn't think about anything.

The fingers holding the phone are shaking all the time. I don’t know if it’s because the weather in Korea is too cold this season, or I suddenly realized that the person in this world who can give me warmth is really gone and left.

But how could...

My dad can't hear, speak or move, but he can blink and breathe, and he can lie there with the same face for decades.Rather than like now, wherever it is placed, it will gradually rot.

The radio is already broadcasting that the flight to Beijing is undergoing security checks, over and over again, with English and Korean repeating and alternating.

I sat there, motionless.

I thought I was going to cry, but I didn't.

I thought I would ask for help, but I didn't.

I thought that my leaving Shi Beicheng was already the most painful thing in the world. After him, no one person or thing would hurt me again, but I didn't.

I am helpless, helpless, deeply helpless, who will save me, who will comfort me.

Why, no matter how hard I try to reach out my hand, I can't reach it, I can't reach another hand that can support me, I can't reach you, Shi Beicheng.

Because, I gave up on you.

Finally stood up, moved his steps to the security checkpoint, boarded the plane, fastened his seat belt, and turned off his mobile phone.

The heavy rain outside was desolate and quiet.

When the plane left the ground a little bit, I closed my eyes and counted the time slowly.

I don't know how long it took until I finally arrived in Beijing. I opened my eyes and got off the plane with the crowd.

When she got home, Aunt Chen was tidying up the room. The ceiling and walls were hollow and pale, and the light coming in from the window was very strong. Under the light, the dust in the room was clearly visible.

I stood by the door, holding on to the door.

"dad……"

Only when I opened my mouth did I realize that the voice was dry and hoarse. Aunt Chen immediately turned her head when she heard the sound. The empty bed behind her was covered with dazzling white sheets.

The phone kept vibrating in my bag, but I just stood there without any response.

Aunt Chen came over hurriedly, took my hand, her eyes filled with tears, "Xiaoyue, since life is hard, you want to open some, huh?"

"Aunt Chen, where's my dad... Where's my dad? I want to see my dad!"

"He...has been dead for a few days, and I haven't been able to contact you. Your dad may have come back to life, and he regained consciousness for a moment before he left. Although he still can't speak clearly, he wants to see you, and he has been waiting for you... "

"What, what did you say? Did my dad wake up? He wants to see me. I'm here. I'm back. Aunt Chen, hurry up. I want to see my dad, I want to see my dad..."

My voice was trembling in a hurry, and I said tears in a panic while falling down like beans and hitting the ground. I can't, no matter what, I can't even see him for the last time. I actually ran away with Shi Beicheng Here, the most precious opportunity was lost.

"Is... when?" I asked, my hands still shaking.

Aunt Chen stretched out her hand, touched my cheek distressedly, and said in a low voice, "It's number 14."

14 number.

I couldn't help but "buzz" in my head. That day Shi Beicheng and I were sitting on the side of the road in Seoul eating food stalls. At that time, we still smiled and said, when we come back, I will take my father to the United States to see the best doctor. .

But Dad, why didn't you wait for me?

My daughter has never done anything for you, she has never been filial to you, why can't she wait for me...

"Xiaoyue." Aunt Chen called softly.

I leaned against the door, unable to approach the room.

"You are finally back." Suddenly a voice rang above my head, I turned my head abruptly, it was Ou Yao.

He had lost weight in just a few days, with sunken eye sockets and green stubble on his chin.

"My dad..."

"I see. I heard about it as soon as I returned to Beijing. You let me look for it in Korea for a long time, Jiuyue, is this your way of revenge on me?"

My head was buzzing, "I don't want to listen to this, I want my dad, I don't care about your love and love anymore, I want my dad!"

"Jiuyue, calm down," he supported my trembling body, "Go, I'll take you to the hospital."

"Hospital?" I suddenly woke up, "What are you going to the hospital for?"

"Your mother had a heart attack and is still in the hospital for observation. You must go."

"No, her heart attack has nothing to do with me, I won't go."

"Little Moon!"

"You care about me? Why do you care about me? Who are you to me?" I yelled at him with a hoarse voice.

I feel cold all over.

If it wasn't for her, my dad wouldn't have been lying here for more than ten years. If it wasn't for her, he wouldn't have died. I could suppress my hatred for her before, but now, I can't.

Ou Yao looked at me, opened his mouth, gritted his teeth, and said, "Then do whatever you want."

I turned around and walked out, I don't want to stay here anymore, I don't want to deal with this man anymore.

I need someone to think about it.

Before leaving, Aunt Chen stood at the door and said to my back: "Xiaoyue, you can deal with the house, I can't live here any longer."

Ou Yao followed me into the elevator, the air was dull, no one said a word.

After I came out, I kept walking, walking forward, I didn't know where I was going, but I needed such a moment to slowly wake myself up.

I feel that my life has suddenly become a mess. Love is not like love, family is not like family, and career is not like career.

My entire youth was wasted by me at some point in a mess, and I completely lost the original beautiful appearance.

Ou Yao has been following me, watching me go home and enter the house before leaving.

For the next three days, or four days, or five days, I hid in the room alone, neither eating nor sleeping, and one after another wine bottles were placed on the table.

I ended up with empty bottles all over the coffee table, and I collapsed on the couch feeling like I was sick.

The eyelids are hot, the head is dizzy, and the heart is cold.

Shi Beicheng kept calling, and the screen of the phone flickered. I knew that he must be facing emotional collapse again, but what should I do, I am such a cruel and cold-blooded woman, I left you again and again , I disappeared silently again and again, I was just such an irresponsible woman.

A few days like this passed, I don’t know if it was the fifth or sixth day, the doorbell rang frantically, and then there was a slamming sound on the door. I didn’t move, and then it was a sharp roar: "Jiuyue! Come out! You give I'm coming out!"

It was Konan's voice.

I opened the door for her. As soon as the door opened, I saw her familiar short hair, and I tried to pull the corner of her mouth at her, and then fell down.

I feel weak all over, I just know that I need a good rest and a good sleep.

The long darkness, I was immersed in endless dreams, I saw my dad's face, he smiled at me, I also saw Shi Beicheng, he cried like a child in front of me, he asked me why I let He loves so tiredly and bitterly, why not let him be a romantic and rich young master...

I looked at myself opposite in my dream, pale and bloodless, and the whole face seemed transparent. She said to me, Jiuyue, you can't be so tired, woman, you have to live well for yourself, not for others.

When I woke up, Xiangnan grabbed my hand, crying and yelling, "Xiaoyue, are you awake?"

"Yeah." I turned around and looked around, but she was the only one.

"Oh, Ou Yao just went out, he went to buy food." She said quickly.

"No," I wondered, "I haven't seen Xiaoqing for a long time."

When I came back from Vienna, I didn’t seem to have seen her before. I asked Xiangnan, “Where’s Xiaoqing? Is she busy? Why doesn’t she come to see me? I’m going to die…”

"What are you talking about, what are you going to die, Jiuyue, you are too tired, and you haven't eaten for a few days, of course you will faint. The doctor said that you will be fine after a rest, did you hear me?"

"Oh." I lowered my eyebrows, then picked up the phone and handed it to Xiangnan, "I miss Xiaoqing, let her come over."

"She..." Xiangnan showed a troubled expression.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I'm here!" Suddenly a voice came from outside the door, and I didn't need to listen to know who it was. I gave Xiangnan a white look, "Look, I said that this girl will not forget her good sister!"

"That's right, my Miss Jiuyue, you still blame me for not coming to see you, why didn't you run to find Xiangnan as soon as you came back? You didn't even notify me, I should blame you!" Xiaoqing held a bouquet Flowers ran in chirping.

"I'm sorry, Xiaoqing." I said.

"Oh, it's okay. I know you're too busy to take care of it. Look, I'm here!"

I turned around and met Xiangnan's calm but icy gaze.

Based on my understanding of her for so many years, I knew that there must be a rift between the two of them, so I took Xiaoqing's hand and turned to Xiangnan, "What's wrong with you? Did you quarrel?"

"It's nothing." Xiangnan said, "It's just that we haven't seen each other for a long time, so it's inevitable that we've become estranged."

"Look, without me, you are all so busy that you only care about your own careers. No matter how busy you are, good sisters still want to get together."

Xiangnan nodded and patted me on the shoulder, she said, "Take a break by yourself first, I know you need someone, so let's go out first." Then she pulled Xiaoqing and turned to leave.

Xiaoqing quickly put down the flowers in her hand, and took a look at me before leaving. At that time, I couldn't understand at all what kind of emotions and how many words I wanted to say.

In the ward at this moment, the sun is shining in faintly. I look out the window. I don’t know when it started.

I went back that night, got the infusion, and recovered my physical strength, but my self in the mirror became paler and paler.

Xiangnan, Xiaoqing and I got into the car in silence, and no one said a word along the way.

I turned my head and looked out the window. Since we parted ways with Ou Yao at home last time, he never came to see me again. His sudden disappearance made me a little panicked. I was worried that he was plotting something to hurt Shi Beicheng again. or looking for new opportunities to threaten me.

Xiangnan next to me was silent and kept her lips tightly shut, but drove the car very fast. I felt like I was about to vomit, so I clutched my chest and tried to calm down.

It was already dark when I got home, I walked towards the unit door in silence, Xiangnan held me back, "Have a drink or two."

"Do you think I haven't drunk enough?" My hair was messed up on my shoulders, and my eyes were already blurred. "Why did I end up in the hospital? It's not just drinking!"

"But," she looked at me distressedly, "I'm really worried about your appearance."

"But I'm really tired, I'm not in the mood." I said wearily, "Now I just want to sleep, sleep."

"Well, we'll go up with you. You sleep. Xiaoqing and I will never disturb you. I just want to watch you."

"Ah."

I nodded, and the three of them went upstairs together.

When I entered the living room, I was about to look for a cup when Xiaoqing hurriedly pushed me into the bedroom. She said, "You need to sleep well, we will find water to drink by ourselves, don't worry about us."

I know that the two of them are worried about me, afraid that I will think wildly, or simply do something shocking and epic.

In fact, they don't need to do this at all. No matter what I do, I know that living alone is the greatest rare thing.

Of course, living also requires the greatest courage.

It's just that Dad is gone, but in fact, isn't he already gone many years ago?
What can't be forgiven is myself, before my father left this world, the moment he wanted to see me, what was I doing, I was running away with Shi Beicheng, I was enjoying our little bit of shameful happiness!

I was cut off from the world, and from the father I missed most.

I lay on the bed and burst into tears, like a faucet that was not turned off tightly.

I don't know how long it took, but I really fell asleep. I vaguely heard the door being gently pushed open, and then the sound of trying to hold my breath approached. Not long after, the footsteps went away and left my room .

I turned over, the moon coming in from the window was as pale as my own face, and the thin curtains were slowly falling. In such a night, it’s a good thing I’m not alone, and it’s a good thing I have my dear sisters to accompany me. I’m worried I.

Gradually going to sleep again, but suddenly heard Xiangnan's low voice: "Don't let Xiaoyue know, or I won't forgive you."

Then there was a long silence, and I didn't hear Xiaoqing's answer.

I couldn't guess what she was talking about, but I already vaguely felt that she must have done something that made me unhappy, otherwise why would she keep avoiding me, and she didn't talk much when she saw me.

I thought of Xiaoqing who was in the car just now, with her hands hanging on her legs, sitting quietly, with an indifferent arc at the corner of her mouth, her silence was different from that of Xiangnan, who didn't dare to disturb me, but Her mind was not on me at all.

That is inevitable, everyone will have their own troubles, on the contrary, I always make the sisters worry and fear, and there is never a day of rest.

Thinking of this, he really fell asleep.

The next day they found that I was really well, and went to work after breakfast.

I went to my father's cemetery alone, and the handsome photo of him when he was young stayed safely on the tombstone. I cried and knelt down.

I said Dad, I'm sorry I didn't see you for the last time.

I'm sorry, but I didn't personally arrange your funeral for you.

I'm sorry, but your daughter ended up getting nothing in the end.

Dad, please forgive my daughter, because you are so kind and love me so much.

You must be well, I believe you will be happier and happier in that world than in this world...

I talked with him there for the whole afternoon, and finally got up and prepared to go back when my voice became hoarse and my legs became numb.

After I got home, I turned on the computer and prepared to write a plan, my next life plan.I think it is necessary for me to plan myself, where I am going, and where I am going to survive for a long time and quietly.

Think about yourself, all these years, from Milan, to Beijing, to Vienna, including those days in Seoul with Shi Beicheng.I am in exile, and I have long been used to being safe in every city, but I still can't find a final habitat.

At about eight o'clock in the evening, the doorbell rang. I thought it was Xiangnan or Xiaoqing, so I immediately got up and went to open the door.

As a result, as soon as the door opened, someone grabbed my arm forcefully, and then he entered the room and pressed me against the door. My scream was about to rush out of my throat, but I immediately retracted it, because I saw It turned out to be Shi Beicheng's face.

He was in a bad mood, he seemed to be angry with me, his eyes were red, as if he hadn't slept for many days, I looked at him, and my mind was instantly blank.

He just pulled me like that, and his big hand squeezed my arm so painfully that it was almost broken, but his eyes made me dare not break free from him, he had never done this before, even though I had quarreled with him so many times before , This is the first time he has lost such a big temper.

He asked me in a deep voice that was almost gloomy: "You left suddenly again, just because of your father? Is it because of Ou Yao? You only left him for a few days, and you miss him like crazy?"

I was pushed against the corner by him, wanting to talk and explain, but reason made me just lower my head and not look at him, except for silence.

He held me tighter, "If it's just for your dad, why didn't you tell me, why didn't you come back with me?"

"I'm sorry." I closed my eyes and spit out these three words weakly.

"I'm sorry, hehe, I'm sorry." He sneered, then suddenly leaned down and kissed me, I struggled instinctively, but to no avail, he had never kissed me so crazily, this was the longest time he kissed me, I felt like I was about to suffocate, so I tried harder to break free.

After a long time, he finally let me go.

As soon as he let me go, I turned around and walked into the living room.

He followed closely and whispered in my ear, "Jiuyue, I love you, you can only belong to me."

"You are still so domineering." I said.

"Because I love you."

"Then Mu Linxi also loves you, so you can only belong to Mu Linxi?" I said sarcastically.

"Why are you talking about her again? Didn't you say you didn't mention it last time?" He frowned.

I sat down, my lips still felt slightly swollen, I saw the notebook on the coffee table, the life plan I had just sketched out, so I quickly turned off the computer before he noticed it.

"What are you writing?" He came over.

"Nothing, diary."

"Oh." He responded lightly, but his eyes were hot, "Let's start again, don't torture like this anymore."

"I thought about it too, but it seems that this possibility is really impossible, Shi Beicheng." I said.

"why?"

"Because," I deliberately avoided Ou Yao's relationship, "because my dad wanted to see me for the last time before he died, but at that time I was flirting with you, which made me unable to forgive myself."

"Is that your reason?"

"Yes."

After speaking, I lit a cigarette, leaned on the sofa, and waited for his response.

I thought he would go crazy again, and even pressed me directly to the bed, but for a long time, he didn't speak.

The air stagnates.

Until his phone rang, he picked it up, and hung up in a very unhappy tone without saying a few words.

I didn't ask who he was, but it was a woman's voice that came out of the receiver, there was nothing wrong with it.

And she is a very sweet woman, very familiar.

I didn't pay attention to it, and I don't want to pay attention to it anymore, we are about to become strangers, and I still don't care who he is with and what he does.

Even if he is not with Mu Linxi in the future, countless women will cling to him, because he is so good, so good that all women love him.

I walked into the bathroom, turned on the faucet, and looked at myself repeatedly in front of the mirror. I still had thick long hair, casually draped over my shoulders and down to my waist, with a face without makeup, fearless but unusually calm. For a long time, the faucet kept running, and finally I washed my face seriously, and then told myself: Jiuyue, stop being indecisive, greedy for pleasure, and soft-hearted.

I walked out of the bathroom and walked up to him, and he was smoking.

I said: "I'm sorry, that's the only thing I can say to you, Shi Beicheng, let's live our own lives. You might live better without me."

He raised his head, looked at me coldly, put out the cigarette butt, stood up, and walked to the door.

I opened the door and pointed outside, "Goodbye, good night."

He stepped out, and I closed the door vigorously with my hands. At that moment, he suddenly blocked the door that was about to close with his hand.

His hand was pinched between the cracks of the door, and I saw thick blood flow from his fingers.

The hand holding the doorknob went limp, I put it down, and he rushed in immediately.

Ignoring his hands at all, he picked me up vigorously, walked all the way to the bedroom, and threw me hard on the bed.

I closed my eyes, tears streaming down my face.

The more he is like this, the more heartbroken I am.

He bent down, pressed me to the bottom of his body, and then kissed long, I felt the hot and humid liquid in his eyes falling on my neck, a piece of coolness.

That night, no matter how I resisted, he would not feel sorry for me. He seemed to tear me apart, but I didn't hate him, and I didn't blame him.

Because, I love him so much, I love him so much.

"Why are you running, why are you hiding?" He asked me, panting heavily.

I shook my head, I just shook my head desperately.

So, under such difficult communication, we did it again and again.Finally fell asleep exhausted.

It was almost noon when he woke up, and he was smoking in the living room wearing a pair of pants and topless.

I took a pair of pajamas and went straight into the bathroom. After a long shower, I saw two people at the door as soon as I came out.

Shi Beicheng asked her coldly: "Why did you come?"

"Don't worry, this is my good sister's home, I just came to see her." Xiaoqing said.

"Get out, she's taking a shower, I don't want to see you."

"I'm just here to deliver breakfast to Xiaoyue." Xiaoqing suddenly softened her tone.

"Get out!" Shi Beicheng roared.

"Bei Cheng..."

"Don't call me!" Shi Beicheng turned around to get the T-shirt, put it on his head, and opened the door for her to leave.

I stood at the door of the bathroom, staring blankly at the two of them.

"Bei Cheng, I called you yesterday, why didn't you answer?"

"I told you earlier, I didn't care about you because you are a good friend of Jiuyue, but don't pester me anymore. Otherwise, even if it is a woman, I will not show mercy."

"Bei Cheng, I..." Xiaoqing lowered her head and stared at the ground tightly. After a long time, she raised her head and looked directly at him: "I am pregnant with your child."

"Crack!" All the clothes in my hand fell to the ground.

Her words, like a bolt from the blue, hit me hard on the head.

When the two of them heard the sound, they turned their heads and looked at me at the same time. Shi Beicheng looked terrified and hurried over to pick up the clothes on the ground.

"Xiaoyue." He called me softly.

And I just looked at Xiaoqing dumbfounded.

Shi Beicheng supported my shoulder, "Listen to my explanation, Xiaoyue."

"No," I still looked at Xiaoqing, motionless, I only heard myself say, "Is it true?"

Xiaoqing looked at me fearlessly and nodded calmly.

"okay, I get it."

I turned and went into the bedroom and closed the door.

Shi Beicheng followed closely, slapped the door and shouted, "Xiaoyue, open the door and listen to my explanation."

Explain, how can I have the strength to listen, and why should I listen.

Your affairs, your vivaciousness, have nothing to do with me.

I hugged the pillow, my hair was dripping with water, and there was no heating in the room in early winter, and I felt like I was going to be numb from the cold.

He said that he has been waiting for me during the days when I was not around. So, is that how he waited?
Xiaoqing, she is different from Mu Linxi, she is my best sister, she knows how much I love him.

There was a strong wind blowing outside, and I heard Shi Beicheng say to Xiaoyue outside: "Kill the child."

Then there was Xiaoyue's silent crying, and I hid in the room, feeling a splitting headache.

After a long time, the sound of closing the door, I think they should have gone out.

This is fine, if this is the case, Shi Beicheng, what qualifications do you have to ask me to start over with you again?
It's just that no matter how sad and dirty things are, I still want to live a good life after all. My father is gone, but I know that if I was by his side that day, what he most wanted to say to me must be to live a good life.

(End of this chapter)