To communicate is to speak well

Chapter 16 Leave a little room, be good to each other (1)
Others may be really wrong, but he himself does not think so.Or, even though he knew he was wrong, he still wanted to be respected enough.So don't blame others, because that's what fools do.Leave a little room for others, be good to others, and be good to yourself.

try to save face

When a person makes a mistake, it is often not because he does not know that he is making a mistake, but because he wants to make a mistake.Therefore, publicity and education are basically ineffective for those who want to make mistakes.There are two ways to prevent mistakes: one is to make people dare not make mistakes; the other is to make people not want to make mistakes.The former is a means of coercion, with quick results but hard to convince people; the latter is a communication art, with slow results and long-lasting force.For a person to be truly responsible for his actions, it depends on his self-esteem and the awakening of his conscience.Therefore, we must first try to help him save face, lest he give up on himself.

There is a kind of man who is so rough and violent that he considers every mistake as unforgivable as a heinous crime.They do it not out of a moment of rage, but out of their nature.They condemn every man, either for something the man has done, or for something he will do.It revealed a temperament worse than cruelty, which was really the worst.They criticize others so exaggeratedly that they can make a problem that is originally a sesame seed the size of a watermelon, and thereby deny it altogether.They are ruthless foremen who can turn paradise into a prison.In a fit of rage, they push everything to the extreme.

But what are the benefits of doing so?Others lose face, and he gets resentment.

Wise people never approach problems in this way, they put other people's self-esteem first, and then try to make things better.

One day at noon, when a boss went to the factory for a routine inspection, he saw some employees smoking under a "No Smoking" sign.There is nothing more abominable than knowingly committing a crime, this is the opinion of most people.But this boss is less sensitive than most.He walked up to the workers, handed each of them a cigarette, and said, "Boys, I'd really appreciate it if you could smoke outside."

The boys naturally knew that they had violated the factory regulations, but the boss not only did not criticize them, but gave each of them a cigarette.Their self-esteem is respected, they are treated as human beings, and of course behave like human beings.Therefore, there are no more people who openly smoke in the factory.

When a person makes a mistake, he can often find hundreds of reasons to defend himself, one of the most commonly used reasons is: "If it were you, it might not be better than me." When thinking about it, no matter how much you say, he will not be convinced.At this time, the most effective way is to teach by precept and example, and show him what you ask him to do well.

If a person can do what he advocates, it is more convincing than if he has said it ten thousand times.

In addition, some people have no intention of hurting other people's face, but just improper expression when they speak, which has the effect of actually hurting.

For example, some leaders advocate the criticism method of "finding gaps on the basis of summarizing achievements". Although the purpose is to take care of subordinates' face, the effect is not necessarily good.

For example, a boss says to an underperforming employee: "I am very satisfied with your work performance, but if you can pay attention to your working methods, your performance will definitely improve."

The employee will feel encouraged at first, until he hears the word "but".He is likely to doubt the initial praise because of this. For him, this praise may be just an introduction to later criticism, and its credibility is extremely low.

If the boss says: "I am very satisfied with your work performance, and your progress is obvious, which means that you have great potential in this area. If you make some improvements in your working methods, I believe your progress will be faster. "

In this way, employees will not be hinted at by criticism, but at the same time can be encouraged to try their best to do as well as the boss expects.

Some people regard their own face as precious as gold, but regard other people's face as cheap as paper.In order to show their superiority, they ignore the dignity of others, and even force the other party to the point where they have to resist.As a result, it is nothing but self-inflicted humiliation.

Known for his arrogance and rude manners, Khrushchev has had his share of embarrassing experiences.It was 1957, when the leaders of the US and the Soviet Union held talks, and US Vice President Nixon was invited to visit the Soviet Union.Prior to this, the U.S. Congress passed the "Resolution Concerning Enslaved Nations."This resolution was strongly criticized by Khrushchev, the supreme leader of the Soviet Union at the time. He could have expressed his views in other more appropriate ways, but he chose a way that both lost his identity and hurt people's dignity.During the U.S.-Soviet summit meeting, he pointed at Nixon and yelled, "This resolution stinks like a horse's shit! Nothing stinks like that!"

On such an occasion that concerns the dignity of the country and the nation, Nixon certainly would not show weakness. He knew that Khrushchev had been a swineherd when he was young, so he said slowly and word by word: "I'm afraid Mr. Chairman is wrong, and One thing smells worse than horse manure, and that's pig manure."

Khrushchev couldn't help being speechless for a while, and even though he was a very self-controlled leader, he couldn't help but flushed with shame.

In interpersonal communication, as long as the face of the other party is maintained, there will be room for maneuver in all disputes; once the skin is torn, it is very likely to turn into a situation where sparks are flying and neither party can control it.For the sake of one's own face, not leaving room for others is definitely doing stupid things.

In addition, in interpersonal communication, due to defects in knowledge and other aspects, everyone will say stupid things and do stupid things; due to different values, everyone has their own prejudices.When you see others saying stupid things, doing stupid things, or insisting on your own prejudices, in order to save the other party's face, it is best to give the other party a "step", which is very important for maintaining the relationship between the two parties.

Don't expose people's shortcomings, don't poke people's pain

Ming Taizu Zhu Yuanzhang was born in a poor family, so after he became emperor, it was inevitable that former poor buddies would come to the capital to look for him.These people fully thought that Zhu Yuanzhang would give them official positions because of their mutual suffering in the past. Who knew that Zhu Yuanzhang was most jealous of others exposing his old background, thinking that it would damage his prestige, so most of the visitors refuse to see.

A childhood friend of Zhu Yuanzhang who grew up with him traveled all the way from his hometown to Nanjing, and after many twists and turns, he finally entered the imperial palace.As soon as we met, this old man yelled in front of all the civil and military officials: "Oh, fourth brother Zhu, you are so majestic when you become the emperor! Do you still recognize me? Back then we played with our bare butts together, what did you do?" When you do bad things, you always let me get beaten for you. I remember one time we stole beans together and cooked them in a broken earthen pot behind our backs. You snatched the beans before they were cooked, and the earthen pot was smashed. The beans were scattered all over the floor. You ate too fast, and the beans got stuck in your throat, and I helped you get them out. Why, I don’t remember!”

This old man was still chattering on and on, and Zhu Yuanzhang on the throne couldn't sit still anymore, thinking that this person is too ignorant to expose my shortcomings in front of civil and military officials, and let me be the emperor where to put his face.In a rage, Zhu Yuanzhang ordered the poor man to be killed.

That's what happens when you poke someone sorely.

In dealing with others, everyone can say what is on the scene, but not everyone can say it. If you are not careful, you may step into the "minefield" of words, touch the privacy and pain of the other party, violate the taboo of the other party, and be obedient to others. cause some damage.In fact, everyone has strengths and weaknesses.For the success of dealing with others, a very important factor is to be good at discovering the strengths of the other person, and to praise the strengths of the other person, instead of grasping the privacy, pain and shortcomings of others and making a big fuss.Remember: exposing people's shortcomings hurts people's self-esteem!
"Exposing shortcomings" is sometimes intentional, and it is used by two hostile parties as a weapon to attack each other; sometimes it is unintentional, because for some reason, they accidentally violated the other's taboo.Whether intentionally or unintentionally, exposing others' shortcomings in dealing with others will hurt the self-esteem of the other party, at the slightest, it will affect the relationship between the two parties, and at the worst, it will lead to the breakdown of friendship.

There is such a real example, a group of people are watching a TV series, in which there are scenes of mother-in-law and daughter-in-law quarreling.Sister-in-law Zhang casually commented: "I see, the current daughter-in-law really doesn't know what is good and bad, and she doesn't want to live with the old man. She doesn't even think about what she will do when she gets old?" Before she could finish speaking, Xiao Qi stood beside her immediately. He got up and said angrily, "Speak cleanly, don't feel uncomfortable, I hate other people criticizing and scolding Huai!" It turned out that Xiao Qi had always had a bad relationship with his mother-in-law, and recently moved out of the house to live in another place.Mrs. Zhang offended Xiao Qi by inadvertently exposing the other party's fault because she didn't understand the situation.Therefore, only by understanding the strengths and weaknesses of the person you communicate with can you not hurt others or yourself in the world.

And look at the following example.

There was a young girl who was very fat, and took a lot of weight-loss drugs, but it didn't work. She was very distressed, and she was most afraid of being called fat.One day, her colleague Xiao Zhang said to her: "What did you eat? It's like blowing air. It's only been a few days and you've gained weight again."

The fat girl immediately became angry: "What does my fat hinder you? I don't eat you, I don't drink you. It's a dog biting a mouse, meddle in your own business!"

Xiao Zhang couldn't help but blush.

Here, Xiao Zhang is well aware of the other party's shortcomings, but still wants to push the topic up, which naturally violates the other party's taboo, so it's no wonder he doesn't make trouble.

Therefore, as the saying goes, "You don't slap someone in the face when you hit someone, and you don't expose your shortcomings when you scold someone."If you want to get along well with others, you must try to be considerate of others, maintain their self-esteem, avoid verbal "minefields", and never poke people where they hurt!

Take into account the self-esteem of others and leave room for doing things
In work and life, we often encounter some people who say or do things that are sorry for themselves.At this time, what should we do?Is it tit-for-tat, repaying grievances with grievances, or being lenient and forgiving others?
Life is like walking, there will always be places where the road is narrow.Whenever this is the case, it is best to stop and let others go first.If you often have this kind of thought in your heart, you won't have so many complaints in your life.Even if you make concessions throughout your life, it is only a hundred steps. How much impact can it have on your life?You often let people take a step, and others are grateful, and they will let you take a step, and a small road will become a flat road for you.If you refuse to let people do everything, and others hold resentment, they will try to hinder you and hurt you. Even a road is full of dangers for you.Communication between people is often a heart-to-heart exchange. Sincerity is exchanged for true love, and bad intentions are exchanged for malice.

In the Warring States Period, there was a small country called Zhongshan.Once, the monarch of Zhongshan hosted a banquet for domestic celebrities.It happened that there was not enough mutton soup at that time, and it was impossible for everyone present to drink it.Sima Ziqi, who didn't drink the mutton soup, felt very embarrassed, so he went to Chu State to persuade the king of Chu to attack Zhongshan State.The Zhongshan Kingdom was quickly broken, and the king fled abroad.When he fled, he found two men following him with swords, and asked, "Who are you?"

The two replied: "Once upon a time, there was a man who was saved from starvation because of a little food you gave us. We are his sons. Our father told us before he died that no matter what happens in the future of Zhongshan Kingdom, we must do our best, even Willing to die in the service of the king."

After hearing this, the King of Zhongshan said with emotion: "Hate does not care about the depth, but whether it hurts other people's hearts. I lost my country because of a cup of mutton soup, but I got two warriors because of a pot of food."

A person's self-esteem is more important than money.If a man loses a little money, it is bearable, but once his self-esteem is damaged, it is impossible to predict what he will do.Sometimes, there is no intention to hurt others, but you may hurt others because of an unintentional word, and you may even make an enemy for yourself.From this point of view, it is very important to be cautious in words and deeds.

Once upon a time, there was a prominent official who liked to play chess and thought he was a national player.A certain A is a diner under their sect. One day he played chess with a prominent official, and he was aggressive as soon as he started.In the end, a certain official was forced to lose his mind and sweat profusely.Seeing the anxious expression of the other party, A was very happy, and deliberately left a flaw.A prominent eunuch thought that he could turn defeat into victory, but who knows that a certain Jia is a master, and the situation is immediately turned around.A said proudly: "Do you still want to live?"

A prominent official was very upset when he was hit by this, so he stood up and left.Although a prominent eunuch has deep cultivation and a broad mind, he can't stand this kind of stimulation, so he has a prejudice against A.As for A, I still don't understand why a certain official no longer plays chess with him.For this reason, a prominent official always refuses to promote A.A certain A had no choice but to be depressed and spend his whole life as a diner.

Maybe A will think that his fate is unlucky, but he ignores the other party's self-esteem, can't control his own competitiveness, and makes a small mistake a lifelong big mistake.

(End of this chapter)