To communicate is to speak well

Chapter 17 Leave a little room, be good to each other (2)
What should you do if you encounter something that must be won and cannot be compromised?Then you have to leave a little room for others, just like playing Go, "Winning one eye is winning, and winning one hundred eyes is also winning."As long as you can win, why let everyone lose everything?Another example is that when arguing with others, it is pleasant to refute the other party with rigorous arguments, but there is no need to refute the other party completely.Doing so is not only of no benefit to oneself, but also reaps the consequences of oneself and is counterattacked by the other party.When we have friction with others, we must first understand the other party's thoughts, and then state our opinions while taking into account the other party's face, leaving room for the other party.This is very important when dealing with interpersonal relationships.

Never say "you're wrong"

We live in this world not only to reap certain results, but also to reap a good mood.

Whether it's others blaming us for our mistakes, or us blaming others for their mistakes, it's not good for the mood.

That being the case, we don't need to be obsessed with right or wrong, it's better to be tactful and do it in the way that is most beneficial to things and mood.

4000 years ago, King Aktu of ancient Egypt said to his son during a banquet: "Be tactful. It will give you anything you want."

In other words, don't be overly sensitive to other people's mistakes, don't cling to so-called correct opinions, and don't irritate anyone easily.

If you want to get people to agree with you, there is a saying that should be kept in mind: "Respect the opinions of others, and never say 'you are wrong'."

In interpersonal communication, there is nothing more destructive than these three words: You are wrong.It usually does not produce any good but an unhappiness, a quarrel, and it can even turn a friend into a rival and a lover into a bitter spouse.When getting along with others, we must remember that the people we associate with are not superhumans with extraordinary measures, let alone saints who have cultivated well. They are ordinary people with rich emotions, and even weird people full of prejudice, arrogance and vanity.Supermen and sages can treat others' criticism with humility, but ordinary people can't, let alone weird people.Therefore, when we want to say "you are wrong", we should understand that the other party will not accept it with humility in all likelihood.Just like we ourselves will not accept the evaluation of "you are wrong" from others with humility.

There is always a reason for a person to say or do wrong things, so even if we know that we are wrong, we will emphasize the objective reasons and think that the mistakes are justified.

When we make a mistake, it's not that we don't realize that we made a mistake, it's just that we stubbornly refuse to admit it.So, when you say "you're wrong" to a guy, you're bound to hit his stubborn wall.

A gentleman asked an interior designer to arrange some curtains for his residence.When the bill came, he was taken aback, realizing that he had suffered a great loss on the price.

A friend came to see him a few days later, and when he asked about the curtains, he said, "What? That's too much! I think he took advantage of you."

The gentleman refused to admit that he had made a bad deal, so he argued: "You get what you pay for, and you have expensive value. You can't buy high-quality and artistic products at a cheap price." s things……"

As a result, they argued about the matter all afternoon, and finally broke up unhappy.

No matter what way you say "you are wrong", whether it is a sentence, a look, a tone of voice, or a gesture, as long as you let the other party hear or see the meaning of "you are wrong", he will never be good. Face to you!Because you directly negate and attack his intelligence, judgment and self-esteem.It will only make him want to fight back, it will never change his mind.Even if you bring out the theories of Confucius or Plato, you can't change his prejudice, because you hurt his feelings.

Never say this: You are indeed wrong, if you don’t believe me, I will prove it to you.

It's like saying: I'm smarter than you.I'm going to tell you something that will change your mind.

If the other person is really wrong, you must let him admit and correct the mistake, and you should avoid "you are wrong" or similar words.You have to use some skills to make the other party not aware of the three words "you are wrong".As a philosopher said: "You must teach others in a non-existent way, reminding him of what he does not know as if he has forgotten."

There was a gentleman who spent three days writing a speech. He carefully wrote, revised and polished it, and his level of meticulousness was no less than that of an article written by Lu Xun or Zhu Ziqing. It is said that after Lu Xun finished writing an article, usually It has to be revised 7 times, and Zhu Ziqing only writes 500 words a day.

The gentleman thought the speech was well written, so he proudly read it to his wife.The wife thought the speech was not well written, but she didn't say: "Your writing is so bad, it's so commonplace, people will fall asleep after listening to it!"

She put it this way: "If this article had been pitched to a newspaper, it would have been a good piece." In other words, she was complimenting while subtly conveying that it wasn't good for a speech.The husband understood the meaning of the words, immediately tore up the carefully prepared manuscript, and decided to rewrite it.

The great psychologist Schiller said: "We are extremely eager to be praised by others, and likewise, we are extremely afraid of others' accusations."

That being the case, when we feel the need to say "you are wrong", we must use the greatest patience and wisdom to swallow the three words "you are wrong" back into our stomachs.Saying "You are wrong" is worse than admitting "I was wrong".

Not many people can face up to other people's criticism, big people can't, even small people can't.

Facing the attack of others calmly

1. Face each other's mistakes with understanding

Many times, people get angry with each other because they don't understand each other and have lost communication.At this time, the right party must not use anger to control anger because of the other party's fault.The best way is to explain more, communicate ideas or apologize, comfort, and reach an understanding or consensus with the other party.

In a hospital, patients filled the waiting room.A patient was in the queue, but he couldn't move forward after reading all the newspapers in his hand, so he was so angry that he knocked on the window of the duty room and shouted to the duty staff: "What kind of hospital are you? There are so many people here. Can’t you see the queue? Why don’t you want to solve it? I have urgent matters in the afternoon!” Facing the patient’s anger, the staff on duty patiently explained: “I’m sorry to keep you waiting for so long. That’s right, the doctor is going to operate , Rescuing a critically ill patient, I can’t get away for a while. I’ll call again to see how long it will take for him to come out. Thank you for your patience.”

The duty does not lie with the on-duty staff if the patients are not diagnosed and treated in a timely manner.But she understands the patient's eagerness. Therefore, in the face of the patient's mistakes, she can calmly explain and comfort at the same time, which is much better than answering with anger to control anger and add fuel to the fire.

2. Use humor to laugh at yourself to get rid of embarrassing situations

A writer has just published a novel that has received acclaim.Another writer didn't think so, and ran to him and asked him, "This novel is not bad, who wrote it for you?" He replied, "Oh, thank you for your compliment, but who read it for you? "

Humorous retaliation is an effective way to deal with those who "reveal the shortcomings".

Sometimes your wife, friends, and relatives will expose your "shortcomings" jokingly, which makes you a little embarrassed.You want to acquiesce but feel useless, want to retaliate but feel stuttered.

At this time, how to get out of the predicament?You might as well use humorous language, funny expressions and jokes to dilute this embarrassing situation and enliven the atmosphere.This is also one of the skills of language resourcefulness.

Obviously, trying to change the situation can put you in a more active position than keeping silent, but one thing should be clear, those who "reveal" are usually your spouse, relatives and friends, you can't use angry words to fight back, and humorous self-deprecating is the best way. good way.

If self-deprecation is used well, it can add a lot of charm to the conversation; if it is not used well, it will make the other party disgusted and cause obstacles in the conversation.Self-deprecating should be judged according to the situation, and should be used for the camera, and should not be used indiscriminately.For example, self-deprecating should not be used in dialogues and defenses, discussions, surveys and interviews.Also, avoid taking a cynical approach to self-deprecation.Self-deprecation with a positive attitude contains the strong self-esteem and self-love of the self-deprecator.Self-deprecating is just a seemingly negative, but actually positive means adopted by the parties involved to transform the conversation into a good direction.

When dealing with "exposed short", pay special attention to the following aspects:

(1) Try not to think that others have ulterior motives.If we're hypersensitive, trying to figure out the subtext, the overtones, of every other person's words, we're looking for trouble.Because on many occasions, the other party's words are often blurted out or improvised jokes, and they never thought that they would hurt you.

(2) Do not retort.Some people can't listen to half of the "serious words", and they frequently sneer back like a cannonball, which often provokes a war of words and breaks a good relationship.Generally speaking, jokers often lose face if they get a sarcastic response.So, we can't lose a friend because of a joke, or even come across as narrow-minded.

(3) When encountering someone who "exposes shortcomings", if you are extremely shy, unable to keep silent indifferently, and unable to change the situation tactfully, so as to lose your composure, then you will appear a bit "stingy".It is the best policy to maintain a calm demeanor, temporarily put "exposing the shortcoming" aside, look for other topics, or light a cigarette, pick up a cup of tea, and divert other people's attention.

3. Find the attacker's weak point to distract others

The New Deal of US President Roosevelt has been attacked and criticized by many political commentators, among which Henry Mencken's criticism is the most severe.

Once, at the meeting of the Riddillo Club in Washington, politicians gathered, and of course, journalists were busy inside and out.

When it was Roosevelt's turn to make a speech, he cleared his throat, smiled at Henry Mencken present, and said his opening remarks: "Gentlemen and ladies, my friend Henry..."

The content of the speech that followed caused an uproar among the audience, especially the journalists, who looked at each other in amazement.

Roosevelt lashed out at the American press, pointing out that journalists in the press are ignorant, have no common sense, and are stupid and arrogant.The reporters at the scene felt that Roosevelt was simply inexplicable, how could he scold people so well, but they gradually understood after listening to it.

It turned out that what Roosevelt was talking about was an article "The American Press" written by Henry Mencken. At this time, all the focus was on the flushed Henry.

The reporter who originally wanted to ask questions based on the key points of Henry's criticism now became suspicious of his comments, because his comments on reporters were so outrageous, so can Roosevelt's policy criticism be trusted?
After the meeting, when Roosevelt was pushed away in a wheelchair, he even smiled in front of Henry, showing the attitude of a statesman.

Roosevelt, who would have been questioned by all walks of life, easily passed this hurdle.

When under attack, it is very effective self-defense technique to find ways to find the other party's weakness to divert other people's attention and reduce your own pressure.

4. Keep calm and don't attack

You certainly have the right to be angry when someone does violate you.If the person is a stranger, you can yell, curse, and walk away, praying that you never see each other again.But what if the other person is your colleague, friend or family member?
You should still be angry, but don't forget the art of communication.When you lash out unreasonably and unforgivingly, you will only tell the other party: "In my eyes, you are a complete incompetent and a bad guy." However, when you tell him calmly and clearly that certain behaviors of his (rather than his personality, nature) irritated you, for what, this will give the other person a way to go, can make him change for the better.

Of course, changing yourself and forgiving others is not easy, but it is worth the effort.Hostility and anger can take a heavy toll on our minds and bodies, isn't it good to plan ahead to avoid it?
never shut up
A factory in Dagang Oilfield used to have a group of "requested troops". The new factory manager didn't make a fuss about it, let alone complain.In the face of hundreds of "please transfer the army", he said from the bottom of his heart: "Our factory has many difficulties, and I am also afraid. But the leader asked me to come, and I want to try it. I hope everyone will give me half a year. The factory is still like that grandma, I will resign too, let's go together!"

These words are not high-profile, unpretentious, not only the expression of personality, but also the proper use of vague language.The factory manager did not express his determination firmly, but said "I am also afraid"; he did not give up his words, but said "I want to try"; Still like that grandma, I also resign, let's go together."However, no one would believe that this is a factory director who came to "try it and leave".On the contrary, it is from his sensible and frank language that people feel strength and see hope.The factory regained its calm like a manic patient who took a sedative. Those who were determined to work strengthened their confidence, and those who lost their confidence cheered up.Vague language works its magic here.

In 1949, when the Kuomintang and the Communist Party were negotiating, Mao Zedong met with representatives of the Kuomintang government separately. When Liu Fei and Mao Zedong talked about issues of common concern, they showed doubts about the prospect of peace talks, so they tentatively asked Mao Zedong:

"Can you play mahjong?"

"Know, know." Mao Zedong replied.

"Would you prefer to fight uniformly, or to fight peacefully?"

"Peace, as long as there is peace." Mao Zedong heard the meaning of Liu Fei's words and replied with a smile.

Here we hear a stream of vague language, a double entendre with an inexhaustible meaning behind it, which, on this particular occasion, is a special way of communicating ideas without causing contradictions.In diplomatic circles, "visit your country in due course" is often used to answer foreign invitations. "When appropriate" is vague language, which is both polite and pertinent, and creates a relaxed environment for myself.Just imagine, if you answer with "not going" or "going right away" or "going on a certain day and month", that is, very definite language, the effect will not be ideal.This is what we usually call "resilient diplomacy".

(End of this chapter)