To communicate is to speak well

Chapter 18 So Much: Criticism Needs a Little Method (1)
Criticism is a method we often use, but some people's criticisms simply make others feel ashamed and unable to step down.In fact, this kind of criticism not only fails to achieve the purpose of letting others correct their mistakes, but also hinders their own interpersonal relationships.That being the case, why use such "cruel" means?It is impossible to be without criticism in life and work, but we must learn to criticize skillfully, so that others can realize their mistakes and correct them as soon as possible, and at the same time understand the intention of our well-intentioned criticism, so that others can truly be grateful to us.

turn a corner when you talk
In daily communication, it is most taboo to make enemies on all sides and cause trouble for no reason.Therefore, even if you state your interests, in order to avoid misfortune, you should combine rigidity and softness, seek progress with retreat, pretend to be confused, and talk in a corner.It should be known that the times change and fate has ups and downs. If you are less sharp, you will be more peaceful.

In 961 AD, after Zhao Kuangyin quelled Li Chongjin's rebellion in Yangzhou, he dismissed Murong Yanzhao from this position on the grounds that he had once held the position of inspection in front of the palace, saying that he was out of suspicion or taboo. , the highest position in the forbidden army disappeared.But Zhao Kuangyin was still worried. He felt that although the senior generals in the Forbidden Army such as Shi Shouxin, Wang Shenqi, Gao Huaide and others had supported him, they were not his confidantes. Shen, if I go out on an expedition, it is really difficult to guarantee that they will not disagree.So, he came up with a strategy to lift their military power.

In July of this year, Zhao Kuangyin specially hosted a banquet and invited Shi Shouxin and others to drink together.At the banquet, Zhao Kuangyin specially advised everyone to have a drink. When the wine was hot, Zhao Kuangyin suddenly turned away from the left and right, pretending to be deeply moved and confiding, and sighed and said: "If I didn't rely on your efforts, how could I be the best?" Emperor? But you don’t know, it’s really hard to be an emperor, it’s better to be a Jiedu envoy. I, I’ve never slept soundly at night!”

When Shi Shouxin and the others heard this, they were greatly puzzled, and asked why. Zhao Kuangyin said, "Don't you understand? Who doesn't want to sit in my seat as the emperor?"

After hearing this, Shi Shouxin and the others knew that Zhao Kuangyin had something to say. They obviously suspected that the generals had the intention to seek power and usurp the throne. They hurriedly knelt down, kowtowed and asked, "Why do you say that, Your Majesty? How dare you disagree?"

Zhao Kuangyin looked sincere and helpless, and said slowly: "Yes, you have no dissent, but how do you know that your subordinates are not greedy for wealth? Once someone puts a yellow robe on you, you just don't want to be emperor , I can't shirk it!"

Shi Shouxin and the others were so frightened that they were sweating profusely, they hurriedly stopped and cried: "We people are very ignorant, we didn't think of this problem, please show us a way out."

Seeing that the time had come, Zhao Kuangyin eased the tense atmosphere, and persuaded them: "Life is like a white horse passing by, and what you like is nothing more than wealth and honor. I just want to accumulate more money, entertain myself, and leave blessings to my grandchildren. You Why don't you let go of the military power, go out and become a local official, buy more good land and beautiful houses, buy more singers and dancers, and have feasts day and night, so that you can live forever. I will form a son and daughter family with you again, so that the ministers and kings will live in peace , no suspicion between the two, what a good thing it should be!"

What Zhao Kuangyin said made Shi Shouxin and others suddenly understand.The words are so clear, there is no room for maneuver, and Zhao Kuangyin's position in the Forbidden Army was still unshakable at that time, so they had no choice but to claim their illness on the next day and beg to be relieved of their military power.Zhao Kuangyin was overjoyed when he saw it, and immediately approved their request.

This is the famous "a cup of wine releases the power of soldiers" in history.Not a single drop of blood was shed, not a single quarrel occurred, during the drunkenness, Zhao Kuangyin pretended to complain about his sufferings, and thus won the military power.Zhao Kuangyin really knows how to play foolishly.

Be considerate of the other person's feelings when criticizing

As the saying goes: "A man has a face, but a tree has a skin." This statement expresses a major characteristic of human nature: love of face.But we can't just love our own face and not give it to others.Everyone has a last psychological line of defense. Once we do not give others a way out or let them go down the steps, others can only resort to the last resort-self-defense.Therefore, when we deal with people, we should keep in mind a principle: don't make people unable to step down.

Say a few decent words and be tolerant of other people's attitudes, these can reduce the harm to others and save other people's face.

Years ago, General Electric faced a delicate task: removing Charles Steinmez as head of its computing division.Stein Metz was a first-rate genius in electronics but a total failure as head of computing.Yet the company dared not offend him.

The company will never fire him, and he is very sensitive.So they gave him a new title.They made him a "General Electric Consulting Engineer" -- the same job as before, just with a new title -- and made someone else head of a department.

Stein Metz was delighted, and so were the top brass at GM that they had gently moved the most irascible superstar staffer, and they had done so without causing a major storm -- because they kept him. save face.

Let others save face!How important this is, and how few of us think about it!We brutally kill other people's feelings and are self-righteous - we criticize a child or employee in front of others, find mistakes, and make threats without thinking about hurting others' self-esteem.Let’s not forget this the next time we have to fire an employee or discipline someone.

"It's not fun to fire people, and it's not fun to be fired," says accountant Marshall Gervager. "Our business is seasonal, so we have to let a lot of people 'walk' when the income tax filing rush is over. We There's a running joke in the business: No one likes to swing an axe. As a result, everyone becomes insensitive and just wants things to go away. Usually, a routine conversation goes like this: 'Please sit down, Mr. Smith. The season is over and we're done. There's not much work for you. Of course, you know we're only hiring you during peak season, so...'"

"This kind of conversation will disappoint the person involved, and it will have a sense of dignity. So, unless I have to, I will never dismiss someone lightly, but I will tell him gently: 'Mr. Smith, you have done a good job. (He did a great job.) The last time we asked you to go to Newark, it was a tough job, and you handled it very well, with no mistakes. We want you to know that the company is very proud of you , I also believe in your ability, and I am willing to support you forever. I hope you don't forget this.'What's the result? The people who were dismissed feel much better, at least they don't feel that it's a loss of dignity. They know that if we have a job, They will continue to do it. And when we need them again, they will be happy to come back."

Fred Clark of Pennsylvania spoke about an episode that happened at his company:
"During a production meeting, the vice president raised a sharp question about the management of the production process. Because of his aggressiveness, he pointed the finger at the governor of the production department. , the production superintendent evaded the question. This annoyed the vice president even more, calling the production superintendent a liar."

"The best working relationship can be ruined by a hot scene like this. In good conscience, the Governor was a very good employee. But from that day on, he could no longer stay in the company. A few months later, he Moved to another company and is said to be doing very well.”

Anna Marsan also talks about the same situation, but because of the different methods of handling, the results are very different.Miss Marsan works as a market researcher for a food packaging company, and she has just taken on her first job—doing market research for a new product.She said:

"When the results came out, I almost collapsed. Due to a series of errors in planning the work, the whole result was of course completely wrong and I had to start all over again. To make matters worse, the report meeting was about to start, and I had no time to discuss it with my boss. It's over."

"When they asked me to give the report, I was shaking with fear. I tried not to cry, so as not to provoke ridicule again. Because it was too emotional, I could only briefly explain the situation and said that I would revisit the situation. Corrected for a detailed report at the next meeting. After sitting down, I waited for the boss to throw a tantrum."

"Unexpectedly, he first thanked me for my hard work, and said that the new plan will inevitably be wrong. He believed that the new investigation must be correct and would be of great benefit to the company. He affirmed me in front of everyone and believed me I did my best and said what I lacked was experience, not ability."

"I left the meeting with a straight chest and determination not to let this happen again."

In reality, even when we are right and others are absolutely wrong, we destroy others' ego by embarrassing them.The legendary French flying pioneer and author Antoine de Saint-Souhoy wrote: "I have no right to do or say anything to lower a man's self-esteem. It is not what I think of him that matters, but It's how he feels about himself, and hurting another's self-esteem is a crime."

indirectly point out the faults of others
When we persuade others, we often make such a mistake, that is, when we find that the other party has obvious mistakes, we will criticize the other party unceremoniously and say: "That is wrong, and anyone will think that is wrong!" Come on, the other party will suddenly fall silent because of hurt self-esteem, or reject your persuasion by picking on your words.

Therefore, in order not to offend the other party's self-esteem, even if you find the other party's mistake, don't point it out immediately, but take an indirect way to continue to persuade.It is said that Franklin, an American politician, loved debates very much when he was young, especially he couldn't tolerate other people's mistakes, and he always pursued them to the end.Therefore, his views are often not accepted.When he discovered his own shortcomings, he changed to expressing his opinions in the form of questions. Later, he made remarkable achievements.

From this, we can see that don't use the tone of "I think it is absolutely so!" to coerce the other party.It will be better to talk to the other party with a tactful attitude of "I don't know if this is the case?"

Criticism is a method we often use, but some people's criticisms simply make others feel ashamed and unable to step down.In fact, this kind of criticism not only fails to achieve the purpose of letting others correct their mistakes, but also hinders their own interpersonal relationships.That being the case, why use such "cruel" means?It is impossible to be without criticism in life and work, but we must learn to criticize subtly, so that others can realize their mistakes and correct them as soon as possible, and at the same time understand the intention of our well-intentioned criticism, so that others can truly appreciate you.Or summarize the advantages of others before criticizing, and then slowly introduce disadvantages.Let him taste the sweetness before the other tastes the bitterness, and he will feel better when he tastes the bitterness again.

(End of this chapter)