To communicate is to speak well

Chapter 19 So Much: Criticism Needs a Little Method (2)
John found a wife who was flattering but not beautiful, but after a few months, his wife became as beautiful as "My Fair Lady", and she was completely different from before.Before her marriage, this lady had somehow developed a strong inferiority complex about her appearance, and therefore seldom dressed up.Although the war had just ended at that time, the material was extremely poor, and people's clothes were very ordinary, but she was too careless.No, it's not that I don't pay attention to it, but that there is a deviation in understanding - I think I am not suitable for dressing up.She has a very beautiful older sister, which makes her feel even more inferior.Whenever someone suggested to her that "your hairstyle should be...", she said angrily: "Don't worry about it, I'm not as beautiful as my sister no matter how I dress up." The dissatisfaction of praise is transferred to and rationalized for not dressing up.How did John convince his wife to change her?According to him, when his wife wears clothes that don't suit her, he doesn't say anything, but when she puts on clothes that suit her, he praises: "It's so beautiful!" The same is true for her hairstyle and accessories. in this way.Gradually, she gained confidence in dressing up, and the inferiority complex caused by her appearance naturally disappeared without a trace.

The above example shows that people cannot directly tell the other party's mistakes, but let the other party discover and correct their own mistakes in an indirect way; when prohibiting the other party from doing something, the language of direct prohibition should not be used, but Persuade the other person to do the exact opposite.In addition, the object of persuasion in the example is not willing to follow the advice of others. A smart persuader knows that to correct the rebellious attitude caused by dissatisfaction, if he directly prohibits the other party, it will only cause resentment, and if he does not prohibit it, he just persuades the other party to do it. On the contrary, the method of doing things can get good results.

When criticizing, endless is taboo

When we communicate, we often find the shortcomings and faults of others. The so-called "the authorities are obsessed, but the bystanders are clear."No matter how profound a person's reflection is, it may not be as thorough as a "bystander".Therefore, when we discover the faults of others, we should correct and criticize them in time, which is very necessary.

However, criticizing others is also an art. Its starting point is how to make the other party accept criticism humbly, make the other party act more correctly, and at the same time make your interpersonal relationship more harmonious.Therefore, we should always be careful not to violate the "taboo" when criticizing others.

Psychological research shows that a criticism loses its effect if repeated.When some people criticize others, they always think that they have a reason, so they criticize endlessly.In fact, this is an inferior method of criticism.When experienced people criticize others, enough is enough.When criticizing others, you can only mention one or two points at a time. Don't "fire all arrows at once" and make people overwhelmed, otherwise it will mostly embarrass the other party.It is not advisable to repeat the words of criticism. Once pointed out, when the other party has understood and expressed consideration or accepted it sincerely, there is no need to continue.If you just try to "joy your mouth" and talk endlessly, it may have the opposite effect.

In addition, when criticizing others, avoid using sarcastic and sarcastic words, such as "You are the only one", "You are just..." and so on.Because this is an attitude of contempt for others, and it is also a manifestation of lack of self-cultivation and lack of communication demeanor.Experienced communicators, when criticizing others, will use various techniques to present facts, reason, and persuasion, and will not insult the other party's personality with sarcasm and foul language.

Some people like to be prejudiced when they criticize others, so they can't see the truth, they can't see the facts clearly.People with prejudices are self-righteous and self-important, but in fact they are naive, stupid, and ignorant.Therefore, we must give up prejudice and treat everything with an objective attitude without presupposing a position. "Yes", give it back the true face of "yes"; "no", give it back the truth of "no".Only by eliminating prejudices and attachments can we recognize the truth and have a true heart, and others will accept criticism from others.

Humorous criticism is most effective
Humorous criticism is to use philosophical stories, puns, image metaphors, etc. in the process of criticism to ease the tension of the critics, inspire the critics to think, enhance mutual emotional exchanges, and make the criticism have a relaxed and happy atmosphere. atmosphere of.Humorous criticism is to inspire and mobilize the critics to think positively. It points to the critical points of the object of criticism in a humorous way, which is implicit and unrevealed, which is endlessly memorable.However, when using humorous criticism, don't be far-fetched or forceful, otherwise, it will be counterproductive and give people a sense of superfluous.

Here is an example to illustrate what humorous criticism is.

The classroom is very chaotic, some students are talking and laughing, some students are sleeping, and some students are looking out the window.The teacher in class suddenly stopped lecturing, but said to everyone earnestly: "If the students sitting in the middle talking and laughing can be as quiet as the one watching the scenery outside the window, it will also make the two sleeping in front of you quiet." The female students slept more soundly." After saying this, the whole room roared with laughter, and the smiles of the students who were pointed out were tinged with shame.

Humor can make people feel friendly and lighten the atmosphere, and even criticism is not so difficult to accept.

Humor is not born, it can be cultivated.No matter how dull a person is, as long as he works hard, he can gradually become humorous.Former U.S. President Reagan was not a humorous person before. When he was running for president, others gave him advice.So he adopted the stupidest way to make himself humorous: reciting a humorous story every day.

However, it should be noted that humorous criticism is not satire. Sarcasm will make people disgusted and even produce confrontational psychology.

Rebuttal is also an art

When you want to refute the other party, in addition to having sufficient reasons, you also need to rely on your speaking skills.You have to listen carefully to what the other person is saying, and pick out the main points and loopholes in what he said. If the other person hasn't finished speaking, don't interrupt anyway, and don't show any wrong expressions on your face.After he finishes speaking, sometimes I need to ask him, is there any other meaning?If you talk too much, you will lose. Let him speak freely. This is a good opportunity to find refutation points.

When you start to refute, your attitude must be calm and your words must be steady. First put forward his words in a nutshell, ask him if he means these things, and express appropriate approval for what he is right to make him happy.After that, he used the word "but" to refute layer by layer, putting the light ones in the front and the heavy ones in the back.If you want to teach him a few words, it is even more important to stay at the end and see that his facial expression has shown that he has realized it, and then start to say the lesson.When speaking lessons, you must be sincere in order to show your kindness, and never reprimand or ridicule, lest he become angry and cause new disputes.Because although the objector convinces him with reason and skill, he must also convince him with emotion.The more sufficient the reason and the stronger the counterattack, the more tactful the tone must be.Sometimes in the middle, I have to put myself in the position to express his difficulties and intentions, and then refute them immediately to let him know his mistakes.Sometimes you may wish to be passionate, and then you must be gentle. The spring breeze and thunder complement each other to fully express the justice of your position, your awe-inspiring attitude, and your sympathy.As far as the whole rebuttal process is concerned, it is necessary to restrain first and raise first, but don't raise it too much, otherwise your suppression will lose its strength; and don't suppress it too much, which will make your raise fail to arouse his perception.Nonsense is absolutely to be avoided, but clever metaphors are by no means nonsense, the more clever the analogy and the better the metaphor, the more it can arouse his same enlightenment.

After the rebuttal, although you have won, you must still have a humble attitude so that he will not feel that it is a failure; then you must leave the text and talk casually, always talking and laughing, and try your best to dilute the serious atmosphere of the refutation.Debate is one thing, friendship is another.Debate is limited to one matter, not involving friendship.If each other is a representative, the representative should be separated at any time, and there should be no suspicion of direct personal attacks.In case the other party attacks you personally in a fit of anger, you must explain to him in a gentle manner that you are the representative, not the party concerned.After multiple explanations, misunderstandings will be reduced. Even if the other party utters insults, you should be tolerant and laugh it off.

As for disinterested debates, some are defending personal opinions, while others are competing with each other's eloquence.To refute in order to maintain a claim, you must admit some of the other party's arguments, and the tone of refutation can sometimes be corrected, and you don't have to use an attacking attitude.If it is in a meeting, as long as you win the sympathy of the majority, prompt the response of all parties, let all parties attack together, and create a situation where the other party is surrounded by all sides, you don't have to argue with the other party alone.This kind of encirclement on all sides is not only powerful and powerful, but also allows you to defeat the opponent without having to expend a lot of effort.

As for the competition and debate skills, it is just a game in nature, so don't take it too seriously. If the other party does a fake show, you will take the opportunity to quit and make peace.Some people can't understand this point, and they often argue vigorously because of trivial matters, which makes both sides red-faced and breaks up unhappy. In fact, why bother?

Criticism should be flexible

Different people will have different psychological reactions to criticism, because different people have different personalities and accomplishments.

For this reason, people can be divided into slow responders, sensitive responders, rational responders and strong personality responders according to their different reactions when they are criticized.Unresponsive people don't care even if they are criticized; sensitive people are emotionally fragile, thin-skinned, and love face, but they can't bear it when they are reprimanded, and they will turn pale, be in a trance, and even become depressed and depressed from then on; When criticized, there will be a lot of shock, can admit mistakes frankly, and learn from them; people with strong personalities have strong self-esteem, outstanding personality, "tiger's buttocks can't be touched", impulsive when things happen, narrow-minded, strong sense of self-protection, Poor psychological endurance, knowing that there is a mistake, but desperate for face, can't stand face-to-face criticism.

Different criticism methods should be adopted for people with different characteristics. For those with higher self-consciousness, the method of inspiring them to do self-criticism should be used; for people with more sensitive thoughts, the method of metaphor criticism should be used; The method of direct criticism; for people with serious problems and greater influence, the method of public criticism should be adopted; for those who are paralyzed in thought, the method of cautionary criticism should be adopted.

When conducting criticism, avoid single methods and rote methods, but should flexibly master the methods of criticism.

Correct criticism requires carefulness and appropriateness, general issues can be criticized face to face, and individual phenomena should be criticized individually.In addition, you can also talk to him in advance to help him raise his awareness, inspire him to conduct self-comparison, make him feel that "the spearhead is not focused on 'I'", and take the initiative to admit his mistakes in the "big environment".

Also, avoid harsh criticism.Crude criticism of subordinates will not produce good results.Because what employees hear is bad words, not the content of the criticism.Their hearts will be full of dissatisfaction and complaints, which will make them rebellious and not conducive to the solution of the problem.

Learn to use the strategy of "carrot and stick" to prevent the wrong practice of criticizing but not praising.Using praise when criticizing can ease the tension during criticism.You can praise first and then criticize, or you can criticize first and then praise.

When criticizing, we should also pay attention to implicitness. We can use euphemistic, concealed, and metaphorical methods, from one point to the other, and use overtones to skillfully express the original intention, reveal the content of criticism, and lead people to think and understand.Never express your criticism directly, and point out the other party's vital points straight to the point.

When criticizing, you can use a variety of methods.For example: by enumerating and analyzing the right and wrong of historical figures, highlighting their mistakes; by enumerating and analyzing the right and wrong of real people, implying their mistakes; by analyzing correct things, comparing their mistakes; using story hints, using vivid The image can enhance its appeal; you can also use the joke suggestion method to make it understand mistakes through a joke. This method has a sense of humor and does not make people feel embarrassed; When it listens to criticism, it is easy to accept by insinuation.In short, by providing multi-angle and multi-content comparisons, people can reflect and comprehend, so that they can accept criticism consciously and happily, and correct mistakes. This is what we care about.

For very sensitive people, when criticizing, you can adopt the "not showing your edge", that is, first admit that you are wrong, and then criticize his mistakes.Be humble. A humble attitude can gradually eliminate the other party's resistance and make him willing to accept criticism.For example, you can criticize others like this: "You didn't do it right in this matter. You should pay attention to it in the future. But I couldn't do it when I was young. I had little experience and had many problems. You are much better than me at that time."

Sometimes, some issues have not been clarified for a while, and the scope of the criticism is large or the person being criticized is still sensible, so the criticism should be more tactful and subtle.You can express your attitude first, and let the other party discover their mistakes from the vague language.However, it cannot be generalized, and serious mistakes should be severely criticized.In addition, exceptions should be made for obsessives and frequent mistakes: either they correct their mistakes, or you don't use them.

(End of this chapter)