learn to speak, learn etiquette

Chapter 4 Basic training for learning to speak (3)
The tailor said: "A young man with an arrogant temperament must walk with his chest upright. When making clothes, the front should be longer and the back should be shorter; an old man, with a lazy mood, must be a little hunched, and the clothes should be shorter at the front." Point and lengthen the back; fat people, wide waist; thin people, narrow body; acute people should wear short clothes, slow people should wear long clothes... As for the size, just expand or shrink proportionally, why bother to ask? "

(14) Tips
In the Qing Dynasty, some people set up stalls selling all kinds of "secret recipes" for [-] yuan each.

Someone spent three hundred dollars and picked three items, all of which were his concerns.Three secrets, sealed with paper.The stall owner also whispered to him: "This method is very effective, don't pass it on to others!"

Those who bought the "secret" went home and opened the seals layer by layer.

The first one is "Family management must be done", and the word "diligence and thrift" is written on the note; Lice cut roots", on the note is the word "catch frequently".

This person shouted that he was cheated, and wanted to find a stall to make a theory.But thinking about it again, what the note says also makes sense: being diligent and thrifty can make you rich, you won’t get drunk if you leave early, and you won’t get lice if you work hard.I had no choice but to give up after thinking about it.

(15) Wives and mistresses
Chekhov was both a writer and a respected physician.He not only loves his literary career, but also sincerely dedicates himself to his medical profession.When someone praised his literary works, he smiled and said: "I am a doctor, medicine is my legal wife, and literature is my mistress."

(16) whoever he is

Qian Chenqun was a Jinshi of Kangxi and a scholar.There are often some candidates who ask to see him, and he welcomes them all, and highly praises them: those who are thin, praise him for being capable; those who are fat, praise him for his good looks... and so on.

Those who received praise were satisfied psychologically one by one, and some took it as an honor and spread it around.

One day, another guest came, and when he came back after seeing off the guest, his student asked him, "Who is this man?"

Qian Chenqun thought for a long time and said, "I forgot the name."

The student said: "The adults praised him for a long time, how could he forget his name?"

Qian Chenqun said: "The person who came to ask for an interview is nothing more than to hear a few good words. I just boast casually. Who cares?"

(17) Wonderful lyrics

A famous singer in Suzhou once sang "Pearl Tower" and accidentally sang "The maid moved out of the room" into "The maid moved out of the window", and the audience laughed.

The actor knew that he had made a mistake, so he immediately added: "Go to the balcony to dry clothes."

Unexpectedly, by mistake, he sang "open four of the six long windows" as "open eight of the six long windows".At this time, the audience stopped making noise and listened quietly to how he made up for the omissions, and only heard the actor sing: "There are still two doors that have not been installed." The applause immediately burst from the audience.

(18) handsome man
Gu Weijun is a famous diplomat.During his tenure as ambassador to the United States, a reporter once asked him: "I heard that you are one of the three most beautiful men in China. How do you feel about this?"

Gu Weijun replied humorously: "I don't know! When I was young, no one told me, but now that I am old, I can't be considered a handsome man!"

(19) One-liners
Once, when President Reagan was giving a speech at the White House piano recital, his wife Nancy accidentally fell to the carpet under the stage with her chair and her. Returning to his seat amid the warm applause, Reagan, who was speaking, saw that his wife was not injured, so he inserted a witty line: "Honey, I told you that you should only perform like this when I don't get applause." .

(20) Prophecy
Someone deliberately made things difficult for the great Swiss educator Pistalozzi and asked him a question: "Can you tell from the moment a child is born what kind of person a child will become when he grows up?"

Pistalozzi replied simply: "It's very simple. If you are a baby girl, you will grow up to be a woman. If you are a boy, you will grow up to be a man."

(21) Homeless

Someone asked the poet: "Why is it that the poet is not called a poet like other novelists, musicians, calligraphers, etc., who all have the word 'home' behind them?"

Another person interjected: "A poet with romantic feelings, looking for inspiration everywhere, how can he have a 'home'!"

The poet sighed and said: "It's wrong, because the poems can't be sold for a lot of money, and I can't afford to start a family!"

(22) Breaking out of the skin
A gentleman was complimenting a lady, and the lady smiled and asked, "Sir, do you know what is the sharpest thing in the world?"

"do not know."

"It's your beard! Because I think your skin is thick enough, but they can still break through!"

Machine story

(1) A woman is like a little finger

A speaker said during his speech: "A man is like a thumb." He raised his thumb high, "A woman is like a little finger."

Unexpectedly, as soon as the words fell, the venue was in an uproar, and the female audience strongly opposed the speaker's metaphor.The speaker immediately added: "Ladies, people's thumbs are strong and strong, while their little fingers are slender, slender, dexterous and lovely. I wonder which of you ladies would like to reverse it?"

One sentence calmed the anger of the female audience.

(2) Charming Monkey
Darwin attended a feast, with a beautiful lady by his side.

"Dear Mr. Darwin," Miss Beauty asked in a playful tone, "I heard that you asserted that human beings were transformed from monkeys, isn't that true? Then I should also be included in your assertion?"

"Of course! But you are not transformed from an ordinary monkey, but from a very charming monkey."

(3) one step difference

The Soviet poet Mayakovsky was besieged by a group of people during a speech. One person came to the stage to accuse him of "arrogance" and said: "I should remind you that Napoleon has a famous saying: From greatness to ridiculousness, there is only one step. ..."

Mayakovsky visually measured the distance between himself and that person, and suddenly pointed to himself and the other person with his fingers, and said, "That's right, there is only one step between greatness and ridiculousness." The audience roared with laughter.

(4) Pushkin's counterattack

When the great Russian poet Pushkin was young, he attended a family dance of a duke one day. He invited a lady to dance, and the lady said arrogantly: "I can't dance with children!"

Pushkin smiled and said: "I'm sorry, dear lady, I didn't know you were pregnant."

(5) You lie to me first

On the street, a greasy-faced man kept staring at a beautiful girl.The girl suddenly turned around and asked the man, "Why do you keep staring at me?"

"You are so beautiful, I love you!" said the man.

"I'm not beautiful. My sister is behind. She is beautiful."

The man immediately turned around and walked back, but he met an old woman.

"You lied to me!" The man chased after the girl and cursed.

The girl smiled coldly: "You lied to me first!"

(6) Dominoes
A young woman wanted to impress her fiancé and relatives and friends at the wedding banquet, but because of nervousness, she knocked over the lamp stand, and the lamp stand knocked down the small table, and she also stumbled and fell beside the small table , got up on all fours, she quickly got up and said loudly: "Look, I can play dominoes too!"

(7) Decimal point
During the Lantern Festival, the mathematician was walking in the park with his girlfriend, and the girlfriend asked him: "I have freckles on my face, do you really mind?" The mathematician replied gently: "Absolutely not! I was born to love dealing with decimal points."

(8) Enlarge the dictionary

Wife: I think I will become a book in the future.

Husband: (incomprehensible) What are you doing?

Wife: So you can hold me in your arms all day long.

Husband: Oh, that’s not acceptable. I have to replace the book when I finish reading it.

Now the wife was in a hurry, and hurriedly said: Then I will become a big dictionary.

(9) Who should curse

There was a beautiful woman who was married to an ugly man, and when the woman became pregnant, she complained to her husband: "If the child is like you, you should be damned."

The husband replied, "If the child is not like me, you are the one to be damned."

(10) Popular clothing materials

Wife: What kind of clothing materials are popular this spring?
Husband: As usual, there are only two kinds: one you don't like, and one you like but I don't buy.

(11) I didn't do my homework today

The child asked the mother: Can a person be punished for something he did not do?
Mom: Of course not.

Child: Are you being scolded?

Mom: You shouldn't be scolded either.

Child: Well, thank God, I didn't do my homework today.

(12) Wrong Yamen

A salt officer liked to tell witty words. One day when he was returning home in a sedan chair, a woman stopped the sedan chair and accused her husband of promiscuity. The salt officer smiled and said, "You have gone to the wrong yamen. Jealousy."

(13) Can be pulled out slowly

A patient with dental disease went to the hospital to extract his teeth. He asked the doctor, "How much does it cost to extract a tooth?"

"Three dollars."

"Just a few minutes, and you can earn three dollars?"

"If you think you can pull it out quickly, I can pull it out slowly."

(14) Listening to too many swear words
An old man was suffering from otitis media and took a bus to get treatment. As soon as the car started, a young man standing beside him suddenly yelled at him, "Damn it! Why do your ears smell so bad, old man?"

The old man replied coldly: "Because it listens to too many dirty words."

(15) Better Than You
Mr. Private School said to a student: "When I was your age, I remembered everything my master taught me. I'm not as stupid as you."

The student replied: "It's because my husband is not as good as yours. If your husband teaches me, I will definitely be better than you at that time!"

(16) Dog Hole

A man saw a neighbor's child lose a front tooth, and he joked, "Oh! Why did you have a dog hole in your mouth?"

The child replied calmly: "It is for you people, so that you can enter and exit from here!"

(17) Fishing

Two passers-by stood for a long time watching a fisherman fish, but the fisherman didn't catch a single fish. One of them asked the other: "Is there anything in the world more stupid and boring than going for hours without catching any fish?" ?”

"Yes," the fisherman replied, "that is to stand by and watch the fish."

humorous story

(1) Who to save first
One Sunday, Xiao Wu went boating on the lake with his fiancée Xiao Liu and Xiao Liu's mother.

Suddenly, Xiao Liu's mother asked Xiao Wu: "If the boat capsizes now, and our mother and daughter fall into the water at the same time, and we can only be rescued one by one, who will you save first?"

Xiao Wu said: "Save the future mother first."

After hearing this answer, Xiao Liu and Xiao Liu's mother were very satisfied. Xiao Liu thought: After getting married, of course I will be a mother. This "future mother" must refer to me; It is Xiao Wu's mother-in-law, and the "future mother" of course refers to herself.

(2) Union

When a county magistrate took office, he hung a couplet high in the hall: If you get a piece of money, heaven and earth will destroy it;

However, he actually broke the law by taking bribes. Some people accused him of forgetting the oath, and he replied: "I didn't break the oath, because I didn't get a penny, and I didn't take bribes once!"

(3) No money for dinner tomorrow

There was a small restaurant whose business was slow, and the shopkeeper was anxious. After much deliberation, he finally came up with a solution. He hung a sign at the door of the restaurant, which read: "No money for dinner tomorrow."

Several people saw the words on the sign and commented to each other: "Since there is no money for eating tomorrow, let's have a meal tomorrow."

The next day, these people came here to have a full meal. When they were about to leave, the shopkeeper said, "You haven't paid for the meal yet!"

These people said: "Isn't it written 'I don't need money for dinner tomorrow'?"

The shopkeeper said: "Yes, you don't need money to eat 'tomorrow', but you need money to eat today."

These few people knew they had fallen into a trap.

(4) Advance and retreat well
A asked: "Do you have any good ways to deal with those annoying guests?"

B said: "Of course there is. When the doorbell rang, I quickly dressed, picked up my hat and gloves, and if it was a guest I didn't like, I said: 'I'm sorry, I just want to go out'; people, I said: 'What a coincidence, I just got home'."

(5) pick mistakes
"Waiter, look at your portion of rice, why is it getting smaller and smaller?"

"Where is it, this is your misunderstanding-we have just expanded the restaurant here."

(6) swear

The American army was not allowed to play cards when it was on duty, but after dark three people-a Catholic, a Protestant and a Jew played secretly, and were discovered.

Catholics say, "I swear to the Virgin Mary that I did not play cards." Protestants also swear to Martin Luther that he did not play cards.

Finally it was the Jew's turn. He couldn't think of who to swear to for a while, so he had an idea and said, "General, can I play cards by myself?"

(7) typo
In the movie theater, a thief put his hand into Lao Wang’s pocket to take out his wallet, and he was discovered immediately. The thief said, “I wanted to take out a handkerchief, but I made a mistake, please forgive me!”

"It doesn't matter." Lao Wang said.

After a while, with a "snap", the thief received a heavy slap in the face.

"Sorry, I made a typo, a mosquito landed on my face."

(8) play football

A group of children are playing football. "Crash!" A piece of glass was broken.

The old man ran out: "Who broke the glass?" The children pointed at the ball: "It!"

(9) Come at twelve o'clock

"Boss, there are too many flies in your toilet, it's unbearable."

"Next time, don't go to the bathroom early in the morning."

"Then when should we go?"

"It's best to go at twelve noon, when the flies are in the restaurant."

(10) safe walking

A driver accidentally hit a pedestrian, he stopped the car and yelled at the pedestrian: "Why don't you be careful? This is entirely your own fault! I am an experienced driver who has been driving safely for more than ten years as long as……"

The pedestrian who was hit cried out in an equally loud voice, "I'm not a toddler either, I've been walking safely for five or sixty years!"

(12) eat all

A woman wrote a novel and sent it to an editor. After a few weeks, the manuscript was returned. The lady was very angry and wrote a letter to the editor.

"Dear Sir, you rejected my novel without finishing it. To test whether you have really read it, I glued pages 18 and 19 together before sending it out, but the two pages of the rejected manuscript were still glued together. "

A few days later, the lady received a letter back: "Dear lady, when I took the first bite of an egg, I realized it was a bad egg. Do I have to eat the whole thing to call it a bad egg?"

(13) Pig meat

Father: "You are such a little piggy, do you know what a little piggy is?"

Son: "Yes, it is the son of a pig."

(14) Do wrong things for a few more years

On Cai Yuanpei's 70th birthday, people from all walks of life in Shanghai celebrated him. In his reply, he said: "Everyone who comes to celebrate my birthday will just ask me to do a few more things. When I am 70 years old, I feel that I have done wrong in the past 69 years." If you want me to live for a few more years, you just want me to do wrong things for a few more years." The audience laughed out loud.

If you want to have a good language expression ability, in addition to the above main foundation, there are many ways to learn and practice. In the following chapters, we will analyze and introduce to you in detail through many vivid stories of our predecessors.

(End of this chapter)