Mind Reading: The Terrible Psychology 2

Chapter 2 Are you aware of your dark side? (1)
01. Do you keep picking on other people's faults?
Key words: picking faults, interested

No matter where in this world, I am afraid there is no perfect person.No matter who you are, you have shortcomings. This is human beings.People with shortcomings gather together to form a society.Of course, you must have shortcomings of one kind or another, but I don’t know if you have the feeling that even though you have shortcomings, you are unconsciously turning a blind eye to your own shortcomings and picking on others instead. fault.

Why did this happen to you?The answer is simple, it is because you always use the "perfect" standard to ask others.

For example, when dealing with the shortcomings of your lover, the same situation will occur. You will always pay special attention to the other person's thoughts, daily habits and so on.In this case, what should be done?I have received such counseling before.If it is something that can be said clearly, then you only need to vent your feelings directly, which can solve the problem.But just because they are lovers, things will not be so simple.At this time, we can't just say "then break up".Because, the relationship between lovers is that although they know that the other party has shortcomings, they also have love that can fill up the shortcomings.Because of this love, we can continue to communicate with each other while complaining.

The same is true when facing the boss and colleagues in the company.In such things as work, most of them have to force themselves to endure and accept the shortcomings of those around them, and on this basis, work for organization and compensation.The so-called workplace also has such a fateful side.So if you want to maintain your mental health at work, you shouldn't expend too much energy picking on your boss or your subordinates.Instead, find out what their strengths are and engage with them only based on their strengths.This is a brilliant move.

But in fact, those bosses or subordinates who make you impatient and anxious may be the ones you care about, and there are quite a few such examples.Maybe you've heard the saying that the more you "care" about someone, the more clearly their flaws will become clear.Because, for the kind of person who is not interested from the beginning, even if you find his shortcomings, it won't make you feel restless.Let him go.

So, as long as you can notice that you are picking on others, this is already an opportunity to make a leap.Why do you care so much about that person?What do you care about him?That's because that person has abilities that you don't have, and his existence has touched the inferiority complex in your heart.

If you're feeling restless, that's also a blessing, and this is your chance to discover a new you.You won't get much out of picking someone else's faults, but in most cases, you can definitely learn something from the person who made you feel that way.

Point: The reason you want to find fault with others is because you are interested in them.

02. Before complaining about "obviously I have worked so hard"...

Keywords: effort, self-centeredness

Whether it's work or family, people who can feel "I'm working hard" are basically people who pursue happiness.But once this mood turns into dissatisfaction, the vector of happiness will turn in the opposite direction.

"I've worked so hard at my age, but how can young people stop doing it?" "Why can't the family be more united?" "Why can't the lover work harder and make time for me?" What about dating?" We complained, compared our behavior to that of others, and the tragedy began.That is, we make exaggerated judgments about ourselves, which heightens our dissatisfaction with others.

However, please calm down and try to think again, you are not the only one who is struggling to survive in this unhappy world.Although in your opinion, colleagues and family members may still be scattered, but they should also be working hard for life.If you can't see these in your eyes, you have fallen into the so-called "self-centeredness".

Hard work cannot be measured by objective standards. In the final analysis, it is just everyone's own subjective thing.For example, even if you get the first or second place in the race event at the sports meeting, it cannot be simply said that it is the result of hard work.The difference in ability and luck caused different rankings.The same goes for the performance of the company and the happiness of the family. After all, hard work is just a process.

Because of this, try to ditch the "I'm the only one trying" thinking and switch it to "I'm trying too."If your heart is full of thoughts of "I am the only one", you will not be able to see your surroundings, and your mood will become dark; Live every day.

However, things in life are always unsatisfactory, and it is inevitable that there will be things like "I have worked hard to this point, but my grades are still not improving", or "The person I like has left me".Why do things always have no good results?At this time, we need to think about it from another angle, and first look for the reason.If you find that the way of learning is wrong, modify the method. If you find that your way of speaking to your lover is bad, then review your way of speaking.This is called "cause attribution" in social psychology.The so-called "belonging" refers to where the biggest reason comes from, what is the reason why things go up and down, and sometimes they go well and sometimes they don't. "Belonging" refers to this "reason".

When attributing the cause, sometimes there will be thoughts of "It's because I didn't work hard enough to become like this because I didn't work hard enough", or "This kind of thing happened because I didn't have the ability to do it".If you immediately attribute it to your own reasons like this, the desire to do things will suddenly decrease.On the other hand, more tenacious people will think "it's probably unlucky this time, there will be a turnaround next time", or "maybe the way of working is wrong this time, let's change the way next time".Looking for reasons other than yourself like this, and tending to analyze, can make your next effort achieve better results.

If you just work hard regardless of the method of hard work, your energy will always be exhausted.People who focus on secrets or strategies rather than working hard blindly can not only enjoy their work to the fullest, but also get good results as soon as possible.

Point: Exaggerated evaluation of yourself is the beginning of "self-centeredness".

03. Do you compare yourself with others when you encounter problems?

Keywords: comparison, happiness benchmark

There is probably no such thing as a benchmark of happiness in the world.Although many people will think "that person looks very happy, compared with him, I will..." But in fact, when that person who looks happy sees you, he may think the same thing .

Rich, beautiful, tall, highly educated, earn a lot, have excellent work performance... There will never be a shortage of materials that can be used to compare with others.But even comparing these things with others won't do you any good.

According to research in the United States, after people have experienced such things as sudden promotion and winning a huge lottery, they are also prone to depression due to unbearable pressure.Surprisingly, such a sudden happiness is also a scary thing.From the perspective of mental health, as long as you have the happiness that suits your identity and is suitable for you, it is enough, and there is no need to cross this boundary.

In this country of ours which is a competitive society and an academic society, we are forced to compare ourselves to others from the day we are born.We live in such a world, and there is nothing we can do about it.

Of course, only by comparing can we see the surroundings clearly.Everything about us will be compared through entrance exams, qualification exams, etc., which is helpless.This is called relative evaluation, which is the evaluation method of "ranking among how many people".If we fail the entrance examination, we will of course be tormented by a sense of inferiority like "falling into the abyss of misfortune".

However, we don't need to compare ourselves with others.Even if you are tormented by the above-mentioned sense of inferiority in your heart, if you just blindly criticize yourself, it will not have any beneficial effects in the future.

It is important to prioritize absolute evaluation over relative evaluation.That is, don't compare yourself with anyone, just think about what you can do.

Do your best and experience success.Is not this feeling of success the greatest happiness that can be bestowed upon man?
Point: The important thing is what can be done.

04. It is impossible to grow only after the reward or the evaluation of others
Keywords: reward, motivation, self-reinforcement
When a person is about one year old, he will usher in a "language explosion period", and this curiosity is hard to contain.The baby will be interested in all kinds of things and put everything in his mouth, and the mother has to do everything possible to prevent this behavior.People come into this world full of enthusiasm and curiosity.

However, as adults, this enthusiasm will gradually fade.People expressed dissatisfaction: "Why do I work so hard, but can't get a decent salary?" Or complained: "I have done my job well, can't you praise me more?" Where was this pure and unblemished curiosity?

Indeed, for ordinary office workers or female white-collar workers, the reward for labor is paid in money called "salary".In addition, if you are praised by your boss when you have achieved results in your work, you will feel very good.Even if they grow up to be adults, everyone still works hard because they want "candy".

Human passion is not just such a simple thing, though.In psychology, enthusiasm can be divided into two broad categories:

One type, as I just said, is the "extrinsic motivation" of working hard to obtain salary or evaluation.

There is another category, which is the "intrinsic motivation" to work hard because you feel the fun, fulfillment and sense of mission of the work you are doing.

Generally speaking, when people do things driven by intrinsic motivation, their attention will be more concentrated and they will not easily make mistakes.And when a person works under extrinsic motivation, if he is not paid, he will stop working.However, even if work has nothing to do with remuneration, people who work spontaneously can continue to work hard for a lifetime with the enthusiasm they have.

The example of a professional baseball player is a good example of people succeeding by maintaining intrinsic motivation.Professional baseball players have been keen on their favorite baseball since they were children, and they have worked hard, and finally won the competition and obtained the status of professional baseball players.And even if one becomes a professional player, it is impossible to maintain this status by relying on external motivation alone.

In order to achieve success, they rely on intrinsic motivation to work hard and continue to make arduous efforts.The remuneration given by the outside world is just an add-on to this result.

Even ordinary employees like us are still different from the horses used in horse racing.Simply dangling a carrot in front of our eyes as a reward doesn't drive us to run, isn't it because of the emptiness we feel inside?

We are human beings, and we should be different from the kind of monkeys who are good at "spinning the plate" and learning technology in order to get food.I think that being able to find the fun and taste that only belongs to you in the career you choose, and working with your heart is more effective than anything else, and the secret to making work last for a long time.

By the way, although I am in the field of psychological counseling services, it is not uncommon for me to be called to the hospital at three o'clock in the middle of the night: "Doctor, the patient is calling your name." Getting in a taxi... working so hard like this is not justified by extrinsic motivation or money alone.

"If I rush over, the patient will be happy." "This is also the tempering of life." "If I lose the chain here, I will be sorry for my self-esteem." I was spurred by these different internal motivations to run to the hospital. .

If you are dissatisfied with your compensation at work, I have another old remedy here, which is "self-reward".

You can say to yourself, "Today's work is very fulfilling and enjoyable, and I will work harder tomorrow," and then drink a glass of beer.This is how you train yourself.This is called "self-reinforcement" in psychology.

The key to self-strengthening is to assign grades: finish the work while enjoying today = a glass of beer; get results in the work = a glass of more expensive red wine; make a great contribution = buy a pair of shoes; be praised by the boss = buy a dress.Determining a suitable reward according to your own efforts like this is the secret to sticking to the self-strengthening battle plan.

Point: Prepare suitable rewards for your efforts.

05. Is it cool to always act calmly?

Keywords: calm, straightforward

There are people in the world who don't change their faces when the mountain collapses in front of them. This kind of people will generally be evaluated as "so calm" and "so cool".

However, even the kind of people who seem calm on the surface, as long as they are not particularly low-sensitivity types, in fact, most of them will show their emotions in places you can't see.There are no people in the world without emotions, even those who seem to be very calm may actually be troubled behind their backs: Why do I appear to be so poor in emotions?I'm not the kind of person who is particularly indifferent, am I?

Human beings are emotional animals. They laugh out loud when they are happy, get angry when they encounter unforgivable things, and cry when they are sad.If these feelings are suppressed and not allowed to express, the probability of suffering from mental illness will increase.We maintain a sense of spiritual balance by expressing our emotions.It has long been pointed out that those "poker faces" that disguise people and keep calm are inseparable from chronic mental stress.

For example, one day, your lover suddenly breaks up with you.When encountering such a thing, anyone will be hit on the head by complicated emotions mixed with various factors such as loneliness, anger, sadness, and shaken. No one can say that they are calm.At this time, if you put on a "poker face", then this sad feeling will always follow you.Although my analogy is a bit strange, if you don't pay close attention to your sadness, it will not leave you.

The method used to awaken and release from sorrow is actually very simple.At this time, you must not go to any playground or go on a blind date in an attempt to blur your sadness.Quite the contrary, you should face this sad feeling head on.For example, shut yourself in a room and cry until your mood calms down, or immerse yourself in sad music.

I recommend another method, which is to yell loudly: "That guy said such hurtful words! It made me feel so sad!" The pain of losing a relationship can be solved by adapting your mood to the environment at the time method to be cured.Therefore, the more you force yourself to look happy and bright, the harder it is for you to stand up again from a broken relationship.

When you have troubles, you have to be positive. This is too much and unreasonable.Let your mood be on the negative side for a period of time, but you can quickly find your normal self.

Point: Make your feelings straightforward.

06. Just sticking to one's own opinion and denying others
Keywords: self-assertion, denial of others, listening
In communication, being self-assertive is never a bad thing.People's dialogue is based on conveying their thoughts to each other and listening to each other's thoughts.But in fact, there are also many people who only express their own opinions and completely deny the opinions of the other party.

Japan's parliamentary debate is a typical example: most of the time, it is difficult to establish a dialogue after denying it from the very beginning.From the eyes of others, this kind of meaningless debate is really unbearable.And you should have seen such a scene in the company's meeting.People are arguing just to beat their opponents to pieces.If a company is full of such controversy, we have to speculate with worried eyes whether it is about to fail.

If there's one reason for this, it's people's obsession with believing that only they are right, rather than bothering to listen to what others have to say.For example, A said "that person is awesome", but B retorted that "that person is not reliable".With that, the conversation ends.And if B asks "what's so good about that person", the conversation can progress. A must start to give examples to illustrate how good that person is.And if B can also agree with A's point of view, then he will come to the conclusion that "that person is really good"; if B disagrees, A will probably give other examples to strengthen his claim.Like this, two people can have a lively discussion about judging the person.

Anyone with strong self-advocacy has the problem of not listening to other people's opinions.In addition, there will be more and more situations in which one does not expand one's own opinions in the dialogue, but just keeps denying the other party's opinions. The dialogues that can arouse the common feelings of both parties will continue to decrease, and eventually lose the opportunity to talk. people.

(End of this chapter)