Mind Reading: The Terrible Psychology 2

Chapter 3 Are you aware of your dark side? (2)
The conversational skill that captivates others lies in being a good listener.According to research in the United States, people who talk non-stop seem to be more likely than people who are good at listening to judge arbitrarily that "the other party is like me."The important thing is, how to guide the other party and let the other party speak?The correct answer is that you just need to switch your attitude to nodding and admiringly, trying not to talk too much about yourself.I think everyone should have understood that being good at listening thoroughly is the decisive means to create a good impression of yourself.

Of course, it doesn’t mean that it’s good to just listen to others, and the listener also needs to truthfully tell each other their opinions and opinions, because 100 people have 100 ideas.Those who understand this and are able to listen well to others will surely be well liked and popular.

Point: Listening carefully to the other party can win the other party's favor.

07. My mind is blank, what should I do?
Keywords: stage fright, getting out of panic

I was once arranged to speak at a friend's wedding, but as soon as I stood in front of the microphone, I couldn't say a word of the practiced lines. My heart beat faster and I was sweating coldly.This is known in psychology as a "panic attack".

There are two ways to sidestep this panic.

The first type: breaking pot and falling.First predict that you will panic, and prepare a small piece of paper to speak in advance.When the signs of stage fright appeared, he took out the piece of paper and continued to read aloud.Although the voice will be somewhat out of shape, it should still be able to fully express your blessings.And because the things written down are generally carefully considered, maybe they can also perform well.

The second type: one person's live broadcast technique.Prepare another self in your mind. For this "other self", it is called "metacognition" in psychology.Yuan (meta) is an English prefix meaning "a higher level of dimension".

Metacognition is an instinct we all have, so tapping into it can free you from panic attacks.

For example, when you are so nervous that your heart is beating wildly and you are sweating, don't deny the occurrence of this situation, but instead face the situation directly, and treat it as if it happened to someone else, and then proceed calmly. Live broadcast.

You can try to comment secretly by yourself: "Oh, XX's head has become so heavy, and his heart is beating non-stop. It seems that even cold sweat is breaking out, and his fingers are shaking." As a result, you slowly calm down before you know it.When it's your turn to go out, it's unbelievably composed.

This approach is not about eliminating panic, but about facing it head-on and living in harmony with it.

The method I definitely do not recommend is to completely deny the symptoms that appear on the body, such as thinking "I am not panicking, there is nothing wrong with my whole body, and the reason for this is an illusion".

This is called "avoidance control" in psychology.Although it can be said that way, in fact, it will have the opposite effect in the case of panic.Saying to yourself, "Just find a way to calm down" will make the image of "I'm terribly nervous" come to mind vividly.The more you think "it's okay, it's all an illusion", the more impossible it becomes to be "it's okay".

Instead of resisting those distresses, and not allowing yourself to escape from those distresses, but acknowledging the existence of distresses, and even savoring them to the fullest, is the shortcut to escape from panic.

Point: Don't think about how to get out of panic.

08. Always think the bad side of things
Keywords: negative thinking, useless work

When something unexpected happens, you immediately think about the bad side. This is called "negative thinking", and it is also called "worrying disease" in a broad sense.Take golf for example. This sport can easily and directly show the mood and mental state of the contestants at that time. "What if this shot hits the stakes?" "What if this shot misses?" become very high.

Although in the game, professional players will think "this shot will definitely pass the line, and the ball will definitely land in a good position" to maintain a positive side, but those who play golf as a hobby, It should not have such a high psychological quality.The more difficult you are, the more you will continue to think about the bad, and once you enter a losing streak, you will make mistakes one after another later, and it becomes very difficult to recover.This situation is probably very common.

However, in psychology, the words "negative" and "anticipatory anxiety" are not specifically used to express bad meanings.If we think of the worst outcome in advance, the joy will return twice, triple when the good comes.This phenomenon is known as the "acquisition effect".In general, doing your best while thinking about the worst will make you even stronger.Even if you are unlucky, when the worst result happens, you will calmly think "Oh, as expected";And doing so can at least avoid situations like hanging your shoulders and sighing "It shouldn't be like this...".

The real problem with people who are constantly looking at the bad side of things is that they always only do the things that bring about the worst possible outcomes.They have a tendency to give up in the first place and not pursue the best level. "Even if I try, I still can't." Giving up like this is the problem.

"Efforts are useless anyway..." Everyone has a little bit of this mentality.However, if this mood becomes fixed, it is called "learning powerlessness". "I have been making various efforts in the past, but the result is still not working." This belief became stronger and stronger, and finally firmly entrenched in my heart.This is a common thought pattern for such people.

Since we were in primary school, we are often taught by teachers that "where there is a will, there is a way", but when it comes to society, it is not always the case. "Things in the world are always unsatisfactory. Lucky guys can do things well even if they don't work hard at all..." This sense of powerlessness suddenly appeared in front of my eyes and became a thick wall.Because of this, it is understandable to have the idea of ​​giving up from the beginning.

In the real world—well, that might be the case.However, a few days ago I had the opportunity to visit Aizuwakamatsu’s temple hut (that is, private school-translator’s note), which is also the place where the children of the famous "White Tiger Team" in history went to school.There, I was greatly shocked. The doctrine used to teach children at that time turned out to be "what can't be done, it can't be done", isn't it just the opposite of "where there is a will, there is a way"?

But I think this statement is more appropriate and appropriate.Not everything in life can be accomplished through hard work.Because of this, we must obey the destiny in order not to leave regrets and do our best.I deeply feel that it is precisely because of this philosophy that these children will have the spiritual strength to hold on to the city until their last breath and bravely face the sword.

For those who feel powerless and have grown tired of the saying "Where there is a will, there is a way" and have doubts about it, adjust the mood to "What can't be done is not done, so try to be yourself What can be done”, and then work hard, maybe it is another path.

Point: It's easy to set up the worst ending.

09. How to forget what you want to forget?

Keywords: forget, sad

"Being dumped by a lover, such a sad thing, I really want to forget it quickly." Everyone has had a similar experience, the more you want to forget, the harder it is to forget.This is also a phenomenon that only occurs in humans.

If there is something in my heart that I want to forget, a man will go to drink and get drunk - there is such an old song before.However, everyone is troubled because in fact, even if they get drunk, they still can't easily forget things.

Maybe you've heard the paradox that "to forget is to not think about it," which is said to be the quickest way to forget an unpleasant experience. "Trying hard to forget, desperately suppressing thoughts in order not to wake up", this will have the opposite effect in psychology.why?The reason is that when you think of "I've forgotten that thing", the brain circuit will inevitably pass through such thoughts-"Oh? Then what is it that I forgot?" Because of this, What you want to forget will appear more vividly in your memory.This is really a great irony.Psychologist Wengner calls this phenomenon "the ironic process theory."

The only way to get out of this ironic brain circuit is to keep thinking about the thing you want to forget until your brain trips.Think, think, think, and thinking will eventually become "no more thinking about forgetting it."

The human brain has a very good function, that is, the interest in things will fade after half a year.If it is converted into a graph, it is called a "forgetting curve", that is, no matter how big a sad thing is, it will gradually fade away after half a year.In order for this mechanism to function soundly, we must also take a good look at our "wounds".

Some people said that they could not even wait half a year.For such people, I have another recipe that works right away, which I call "The Salt Rub."The specific method is: step into "the thing I'm thinking about" again, write those painful experiences in the diary, and then run to talk to others in a self-abuse way.While repeating this behavior over and over again, gradually I will start thinking "forget it, forget it", and then become bored with those things.

When falling in love, women can often stand up from the blow immediately, but men can't think about it.This is because women have a tendency to immediately tell their friends about their broken love.If you want to forget sooner, just wallow in your grief, cry as you think about it, write in a journal, and confide in others.This is the last mystery.

This salt rubbing treatment, while making the wound more painful for a while, can also be expected to exert dramatic restorative powers.

Point: After half a year, the sadness will disappear.

10. Lying to look good

Keywords: self-presentation, lies
Human beings have some desire to dress up, especially in front of the opposite sex. Everyone wants to look beautiful or handsome.This is the same phenomenon that male peahens will spread their tail feathers greatly to attract female peahens.

Because of this, in the relationship model of lovers, even if they tell a few lies, it should be within the allowable range.Some people say that the relationship between lovers is based on "mutual deception".There are many relationships established on this premise, such as the relationship between a hostess and a guest in an exclusive club.But on this occasion, both parties know that the relationship is a game.And what we say is not a so-called lie.In psychology, making one's own image look better is called "self-presentation" and is distinguished from lying.

However, incidents that cannot be terminated by the concept of self-expression also occur frequently.For example, in the recent often-reported cases of marriage fraud, there were continuous lies, which finally developed into murders.A seemingly ordinary woman played tricks on several men and obtained a huge amount of money from them, which eventually led to someone committing suicide and herself being killed.This is no longer self-presentation, but repeated deception, a crime of a heinous nature.

Let's not mention such terrible cases for the time being.Between ordinary lovers, even if the behavior of self-expression is exposed, the other party can easily laugh it off.There is a side of being in love with each other, so some people say that there is no such kind of relationship between lovers who don't know how to show themselves at all.

Whether it is a man or a woman, at the beginning of showing themselves, both parties will be a little bluffing, and then develop into a romantic relationship step by step.In this process, each other gradually discovers each other's true face, understands and accepts it, and then makes a decision to choose the other party as a life partner.

Because of this, I think it is unnecessary for lovers or couples to explain to each other: "I was lying at that time, but I always wanted to tell you the truth." As far as the relationship between men and women is concerned, sometimes it is too much. Integrity is actually not going to work.

Point: Integrity is not always the best.

11. Do you sell your unhappiness?

Key words: misfortune, bereaved dog effect
There used to be a French chanson called "The Man Who Sold Happiness" (a popular folk song in France before the 16th century - Translator's Note).I think if you can really buy "happiness", even if it is a bit expensive, it may be worth it.But having said that, first of all, there is no one who wants to buy "unfortunate".That being said, there are a lot of people who want to sell "misfortune" as a commodity.

"I'm not cute" "I have no money" "I'm not smart" "I'm impatient" "I don't attract the opposite sex"...Other people obviously don't ask, but there are always people who take the initiative to tell their shortcomings .This is something that hurts yourself.Take a boxing match, for example, it's like throwing in the towel before you get in the ring.

At this time, what will happen to the listening party?It must be silently saying "I can see that kind of thing even if you don't say it" in my heart.Anyway, just like the old saying "other people's misfortune is the most beautiful honey", human society is built on the psychological state of spying on others' misfortune and immersed in a sense of superiority.

As long as you usually watch the news, you should be able to understand that whether it is gossip on TV or weekly magazines, they are all full of unfortunate topics about famous people.Most people will say "Oh, that's pathetic", and then continue to watch with great interest.However, as a means of restoring the popularity of scandal-ridden celebrities, it also has the function of "bereaved dog effect".It is the secret of exposing one's "unfortunateness" and "weakness" to achieve a shining transformation.However, this method is not universal, whether it is aimed at celebrities or ordinary people who are not famous.

Therefore, even if you sell your "unfortunateness" outward, it doesn't make any sense.Even if there is a sympathetic expression on the other party's face, he will think in his heart, "Isn't it, it's just you".Don't forget that others are talking about this in their hearts, while immersed in a sense of superiority.

According to the results of my experiments, people's impressions of people they meet for the first time will basically be fixed within 2 minutes.During these 2 minutes, if your "lost dog" image goes too far, you will carry the image of "unfortunate guy" for the rest of your life.Although we don't need to be arrogant at the beginning, if you are too humble, even if you please the other party for a while, in the long run, you will be the one who suffers the loss.So, it's better to pay more attention.

Point: Crouching will only hurt yourself.

12. Unable to get out of an unmotivated life
Keywords: self-motivated, reward yourself
No matter where we are, we have been told to "be self-motivated" since we were in elementary school.This sentence itself has a great sense of greatness.Although I don't quite understand the matter of "self-motivated", but it's incredible that after hearing this sentence, I always feel like I understand something.Just look at how often this sentence is said by teachers, bosses, superiors, etc., to know how convenient it is to use.

It can be found in the dictionary that "motivated" means "not satisfied with the status quo, but pursuing better and higher results".Simply put, it can also be said to be "doing things seriously and actively".

However, self-motivation does not necessarily mean being positive.Why do you say that?Because whenever you ask "Do you mean you don't have the drive to do things" to those who complain about "I lack self-motivation", they will generally answer "No, there is such a thing as drive".

Professor Masahiro Nasu of Sophia University often said: "There are more people who are 'enthusiastic' than 'positive'." This sentence probably refers to the above phenomenon.

It is not so much a "active energy to do things", but a "hot energy" that is close to anxiety.But no matter what, this is not a specific desire, but just an emotional anxiety that keeps urging myself.This sense of anxiety has nothing to do with self-motivation.

At a time like this, let's try to think about it this way.Please let yourself develop a habit of choosing an appropriate word for "〇〇" in the sentence "Work hard for〇〇".

If it’s about work, do you think about “increasing salary”, “improving performance”, “promotion”, “improving the quality of life of your family”, “buying a house” and other ideas?If you already have a lover, you will fill in the name of your girlfriend (boyfriend); if you have something you want to buy, you can fill in words such as "game" and "ultra-thin TV".All in all, as long as there are specific goals, "enthusiastic energy" will become "positive energy".

That is to say, don't be obsessed with the broad and vague vocabulary of "self-motivated", but set goals that are within reach and that are most concerned about you.In this way, unconsciously, self-motivation will become full.Most of the people who say that they are not self-motivated are because they have not focused their attention on those goals.

Human beings are born into this world with a lot of curiosity, just look at the baby's face to know it.

(End of this chapter)